Hello All
It just dawned on, DOH! My exMM is so far, the only man I have never been able to give up, or fully give up YET.
I think there are many reasons these men are so hard to give up, (besides true love, sex etc) they are not ours to start with, and we don't see the other side, day in, day out lifestyle, peculiarities, bad habits, patterns like the W does. We get to be the one he DOESN't have to answer to, come home to, raise kids with, figure out finances with, etc. etc.
I have been able to let go of every other man, eventually, (or him me) but can't seem to give up (like a drug...I guess) the exMM for longer than a few months at a time. Have not been able to say ITS DONE and stick with it, but have been able to walk away from way better, kinder, more trusting, wonderful men...what's up with that???
I realize, and always did, that the "A" is not how a real life relationship day in day out would be if you were with them as their only partner (for most people). I realize some people here have very close and time intensive relationships with their MM, I did not have much time with mine, about once a year...I know, this makes even more mind boggling.
If I had him for my own, I would not trust him, can't, and I would not see a life with him, so why cant I walk away?? Man it's odd.
I know why I can't or have not been able to walk/run..I have never met a man I had such an intense physical connection with, not just sex, just to be in same room, to talk on phone, I was attracted to his voice, his scent, his body, his eyes, his laugh, and so on. With every other man I got tired of them, or they me, or I loved them dearly as friends but could not make that passion/physical connection. It was way more than sex...as it was only once a year..but the intense feeling of being with him, getting ready to be with him, is intoxicating. Strange and odd...I never saw myself being like this.
Boy I wish I could find that connection with a different person...I love being single, but always loved the connection I had with this man.
We want what we cant have, and cant have what we want, and if we got what we think we want, we probably wouldnt want it anymore.
Did Shakespeare say that once, or Ghandi, lol.
Be well all, and to all BE WELL
lfmm
That is a true statement for me, I walked away from my xH as he cheated on me while I was pregnant. Never looked back do not regret it one bit, and most certainly would not ever take him back.
My MM however cheats on his W with me I know this, she also knows this she can not walk away and either can I. Wish I understood the whole mess.
If I could get my heart in touch with my head maybe I would stand a fighting chance, but right now they are to busy fighting each other...
Why? what makes it so hard or impossible to give up? The rewards far outweigh the risks or hurt/pain? Do you ever think about his wife? Guilt etc? I am not knocking you or judging, just asking. I think my exMM would have kept me as his litlle secret forever if I did not have issues with it. The intoxication seems sureal at times, the reality is SO REAL...though...messy, messy pain. I always say never again, the pain IS NOT worth the moral guilt or pleasure, yet I never stay away. Now he is divorced and I dont think we will ever be together, besides an occassional fantasy weekend.
Personally, I think it is because it doesn't normally have a traditional lifespan.
For me, the hardest part is accepting it wasn't by choice, in all other relationships, even my long term "marriage like" - It progressed until we both had to let go, regardless of loving each other.
With typical DDay's, the rug is pulled out from under both and a decision is made, but not necessarily because things were bad or degrading, simply because life happens.
I know many will say it is also because it isn't "real" but in our relationship, I don't buy that. We seen each other stressed, crying, without makeup(me), during a move and everyday real life.....so, did I know "him".... I believe I did.
But is the not knowing what the natural progression would have been that drives me crazy had it been a traditional relationship...
I think there are many reasons these men are so hard to give up, (besides true love, sex etc) they are not ours to start with, and we don't see the other side, day in, day out lifestyle, peculiarities, bad habits, patterns like the W does. We get to be the one he DOESN't have to answer to, come home to, raise kids with, figure out finances with, etc. etc.
My MM and I do not share everyday together, but generally we spend several nights a week together. Often he spends more nights with me than he does in his own home. Our life together is very "domestic" we do all those things you mentioned. He answers to me, and I to him, he comes "home" from work to me (he often refers to MY home as "our home" or even HIS home), he participates fully in my childrens lives (homework, discipline, "family time") we discuss and work out finances (he contributes to my household finacially,as much as I allow him to)...
None of those things are individually significant. But the combination of those things, the intertwining of my WHOLE life with his and our love is what makes him the one I can not seem to let go of. I have never felt as "one" with anyone ever before.
__________________
Attempt not to deceive the god with thy mortal lips. Peer deep within thyself, and ask not questions to which thou already knowest the answer, seek not advice which thou dost not intend to obey.
Fallen
Wow, this is eye opening. So she knows about you, the affair? Or does he travel on business weekly etc and she has no clue? I am a bit confused...if he is meshed into your life this heavily, how is he still married or is this an open agreement between all of you? Sorry if I am prying, I am just curious...You certainly seem to have a real relationship with all the accompanying parts. You do sound very in love and that this man is really your soul mate. I read other posts of yours and know you have a rough past with your ex..if I remember correctly he sounded like a very abusive, harsh and angry, spiteful man...and my heart just bled for you. Not pity, just anger that anyone would treat a human this way. If I have you confused with someone else, I am sorry...brain fog...
Boy I can learn a lot on this forum..interesting to hear others stories...
thanks for being so open and kind, I am not trying to dog anyone or judge, I am merely trying to work through my thoughts, fears and hopefully help others along the way.
lfmm
Fallen
Wow, this is eye opening. So she knows about you, the affair? Or does he travel on business weekly etc and she has no clue? I am a bit confused...if he is meshed into your life this heavily, how is he still married or is this an open agreement between all of you? Sorry if I am prying, I am just curious...You certainly seem to have a real relationship with all the accompanying parts. You do sound very in love and that this man is really your soul mate. I read other posts of yours and know you have a rough past with your ex..if I remember correctly he sounded like a very abusive, harsh and angry, spiteful man...and my heart just bled for you. Not pity, just anger that anyone would treat a human this way. If I have you confused with someone else, I am sorry...brain fog...
Boy I can learn a lot on this forum..interesting to hear others stories...
thanks for being so open and kind, I am not trying to dog anyone or judge, I am merely trying to work through my thoughts, fears and hopefully help others along the way.
lfmm
We had a Dday quite some time ago. My xH called and told her about us. I am sure she knows that it is still ongoing as his cell phone bills to me are outrageous. (I have seen them, I would be furious!! Even on nights he is with me, he calls me before he is out of my driveway and talks til he pulls into work. Then calls me as he leaves work, until he is in my driveway. And daily from motel/hotel to job site and back or his driveway to job site and back. Plus in between and middle of the night calls.)
He didn't even last a full 24 hrs in NC with me as I recall it. I think she is just willing to accept it, for the finacial trade off. (please do not beat me up for that comment!! I am just speaking what I feel from what I see in OUR triangle, not in other people's!)
He works on the road quite a bit, usually spending several nights a week in the town where I live, and therefor in my home. Often times when he has been someplace else (out of state) or is heading elsewhere, he will spend an extra night or two with me before/after his out of area trips.
He requests time in my town, and his boss knows all about me and tries to accomodate him as much as possible. He sometimes gets motel rooms in my town simply because he gets paid a per diem if he is registered in the room (the company pays the room plus he earns extra money for staying out of his home town) but more often than not he doesn't get rooms, so I am not sure how he explains where he has been those nights he is gone and not getting paid. (Even when he gets the room, he doesn't stay there, he stays with me, but she never calls him at the motel, and usually doesn't call him at all when she knows he is in my town.)
Like I said, I am sure she is aware.. anytime something happens that I am too real for her (for example he fell asleep at the computer while chatting on messenger with me and our chat window was open with us saying our "I love you" farewells), rather than confront him about what she saw, she went out and bought something new. (A new car)
I don't know how long this will continue. Everytime I try to break it off, he contacts me and says he doesn't know how to live without me (I am sure most OW have heard that one), I am just not sure who will break completely first, ME? HER? or HIM??
I just know it will be one of us, and it feels like it is getting closer and closer. Only time will tell.
FA
FA
Thanks for your deep honesty. It seems everyone is in the know with your relationship and that everyone is at some level of acceptance. I always says it is up to the people involved to decide what works...so I sure won't bash or judge, not at all. His W knows about you and chooses to stay, that is on her, and her responsibility....she obiously is getting something out of it she wants/needs.
I imagine breaking from this man, for you, would be deeply difficult as it seems you are partners, in every sense (minus the wife thing of course...) All I can say is that I send support and hugs and hope that no one ends up too hurt (impossible hah) and that you can find true happiness and safety ....and be happy and whole..with whomever you choose to be with. You are a strong person, I can tell from your posts.
So, may I ask, why doesn;t he leave her? It seems he is very devoted to you, in more ways than I can count..so what keeps him with her?
thanks again, I know I ask a lot of deep questions, I studied psychology, can you tell..lol? I am not nosy, just fascinated by human behavior..and also, at times, unhappy with my own...often...
lfmm
FA
FA
Thanks for your deep honesty. It seems everyone is in the know with your relationship and that everyone is at some level of acceptance. I always says it is up to the people involved to decide what works...so I sure won't bash or judge, not at all. His W knows about you and chooses to stay, that is on her, and her responsibility....she obiously is getting something out of it she wants/needs.
I imagine breaking from this man, for you, would be deeply difficult as it seems you are partners, in every sense (minus the wife thing of course...) All I can say is that I send support and hugs and hope that no one ends up too hurt (impossible hah) and that you can find true happiness and safety ....and be happy and whole..with whomever you choose to be with. You are a strong person, I can tell from your posts.
So, may I ask, why doesn;t he leave her? It seems he is very devoted to you, in more ways than I can count..so what keeps him with her?
thanks again, I know I ask a lot of deep questions, I studied psychology, can you tell..lol? I am not nosy, just fascinated by human behavior..and also, at times, unhappy with my own...often...
lfmm
He still has a child at home. I know you hear a lot of men use that as an excuse, and that may turn out to be what it is in my case as well, an excuse, but he is truly a man who feels deep responsibility and he plans on staying until his youngest is grown. After that? Only time will tell. But I do know that he loves me, despite what many here will tell me.
He has not been able to maintain NC with me, and every time I talk about being done.. well, let me just say that he does not want to lose me. Could it be that he is just in it for sex as so many say? I suppose it is not out of the realm of possibility, but since I have stopped PA and he is still every bit as involved as ever he was, and he waited well over a year before we ever even held hands, I think it is much more than that.
His father passed away when he was very young, and I think that is part of why he is still in his marriage. He knows what it was like to grow up without his father. He grew up in a very large family, and I think he missed out on feelings of parental love, not because he wasn't loved, but simply because he was one of so many, and had only one parent whose time had to be split. Granted, he could still be a dad without living at home, but I think he fears that his child will be alienated from him. So fear and a deep sense of responsibility are what keep him there, in my opinion.
I think she knows that is what keeps him there as well. Like I said, whenever I am too real for her to ignore, she buys something. BIG somethings. During our affair, she has bought a new house (he came back from an out of state work trip to be told she had placed a bid on a house and put the paid for house on the market, he just had some papers to sign.), and two cars. In my opinion she knows that his sense of responsibility extends to continuing to provide those things for her indefinately, because as he says, she has been a good mother to his children and a good wife (never done anything specifically wrong) so by buying more things, giving him added responsibility (in his eyes it is harder to leave her with a house that is not paid off), she keeps him there longer. Do you see what I mean?
As to what happened to lead him to stray, it is nothing that she has done wrong, they just grew apart. He still loves her. But the way I understand it, they are just in very different places in thier lives. They married very young, and he spent most of their marriage in the military. She wanted stability and chose not to move around the world with him, and often couldn't when he was overseas. She learned to live her own life without him. He wants to be needed. Her life goes on without him. Her things come first, whether he is there or not.
So he spent many years in multiple affairs, he was looking for ego boosting, a feeling of being wanted, needed, but never was fulfilled with them. None of them were long term. Just flings to fill the spaces. He never planned on having any of this with me. We were just friends. *shrug* I don't know why things happen the way they do. But that is what happened. And somewhere along the way in our friendship, we fell in love. We carried on a long term EA, and eventually it evolved into a PA.
Our relationship works because he is what I need. A man who acts like a man. He IS responsible. That is very attractive to me. He works hard, and truly cares about doing the best job he can do. He is kind. He is warm. He is loving. He is tender. He is compassionate. He is passionate. He is funny. He is very intelligent. He is strong emotionally and physically. He is all the things that I admire in a man.
I LIKE taking care of him. And he lets me.
I cook for him. I clean for him. (My home, but he knows I make special effort to keep things the way he likes them.) I cater to him. I am exceedingly "feminine" for him. I am generally sexually submissive with him. (We are not into S & M, I just let him lead sexually.)
In return he treats me like a princess.
He does all the "man chores". He cooks special meals for me. He helps with housework (even the dishes) simply because he knows I would never ask him to, and he does it because he "wants to be near me". He bathes me. He serves me. It is very give and take, with both of us allowing the other to fully meet our needs and desires.
We both feel needed.
We both feel wanted.
It works. And we share a very domestic relationship. Very "old married couple" type of thing. Comfortable just living everyday life together. The sex is very passionate when we make love, but in the scheme of things is far down on the list of priorities. We care much more about talking to each other, and making love with our minds, if that makes sense...
I don't know where it will all go. Perhaps someday he will choose me. Perhaps someday he will leave me and try again to make things at home better (something I have often suggested to him.) Someday maybe I will say enough, and just up and move and start over, no forwarding address, no forwarded phone number. *shrug* Like I said, only time will tell...
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