Hi. Just wanted to run my situation by a few of you. Married 6 years last wk and were together for nearly 9. No kids. Wife is currently working and getting MBA (very busy). Wife was divorced since ex-husband cheated on her.
We had decent marriage (early on 9/10 mid-marriage 6/10, eventually 5/10). I took it for granted.
Discoverd affair Oct 2008 (3 month affair with her coworker -- I also worked with him). She ended it, but still was in contact with him. We celebrated 5th anniversary and went on nice vacation (both outstanding). In Jan 2009, she wasn't sure if we would end up together. We had our ups and downs (good Valentine's Day though) and in May 2009 she said she wanted our of relationship. She said she wanted to be with other man. On July 31st, she moved in with other man. I still have conversations with her about once a day. I was recently laid off so she is helping me find a job. I initiate the calls. We went out for lunch / dinner two or three times since she left. She said she wants to file for divorce soon. Of course I said that I want her to think about seeing a therapist (I'm seeing the a therapis at the center we went to for our pre-marriage counseling).
My wife is different than most people (temper, insecure, shuts down when there is a heated discussion, etc.). I don't know that a no contact situation would be good for our relationship (if you call it a relationship). I am very familiar with divorcebusting and Mort Fertel. I prefer the Mort Fertel approach, but the gift giving has been too much for my wife at the moment -- she has recently asked me to stop giving her gifts.
Is anyone else in a similar situation? I still have hope, but it is waning... I believe that she is in the euphoric love state and can't see the forest through the trees. She is also a strong Christian and was very much against affairs because of what her ex-husband did. I don't think her values changed, but this "drug" is causing her to see things differently. That's what I want to believe at least.
Is anyone else in a similar situation? I still have hope, but it is waning... I believe that she is in the euphoric love state and can't see the forest through the trees. She is also a strong Christian and was very much against affairs because of what her ex-husband did. I don't think her values changed, but this "drug" is causing her to see things differently. That's what I want to believe at least.
Thanks for reading. Thoughts?
Still have hope for what?
I don't think this marriage is coming back. If it does... it will be because you moved on, not because you sucked up enough to get back into her good graces.
Also she is not a strong Christian... period. Calling her that is offensive to all the people who actually ARE Christians.
I really hope things turn out well for you! But for the moment, my suggestion is to move on and be your own person now.
Frankly - I think you are in the 'fog'. The fog of "do whatever it takes to make this work" because marriage is forever.
It only takes one person exiting the marriage for it to fail. You cannot infill behind her to prop her up. She's gone. It is over.
Take all that love, understanding and empathy that you have and turn it towards yourself. Heal. And move forward with confidence. You did what you could and when you are ready, you can get up off the bench and start dancing in life again.
You deserve it. You've been through h-ll. Forgive yourself and start imagining what you are going to do with the gift of the rest of your life.
It's over, you know this but are in a certain amount of denial.
Once she moved out, and especially since she moved in with the OM, that's it, game over. Once she did that, she made her choice. You gave her a choice to stay and work on this, she chose not to. Sucks, but that's the reality.
You need to contact an attorney, file for D, and move forward. Right now, everytime you have contact with her, you are moving backward. You deserve much better.
As far as being a committed Christian, she has no concept of what following Christ really means. She wants to follow on her own terms. Doesn't work that way.
Is anyone else in a similar situation? I still have hope, but it is waning...?
OP, please stop hoping. Stop calling her. Stop giving her gifts. Stop seeking her help in finding you a job. In retrospect I wish you had handled all this so differently. She was in contact all along with OM even before she moved out.
I am not a Christian but I recently read the book "Love must be tough". Read it. I thought about the book when i read your post this morning. Loving unconditionally does not mean you love your wife at any cost.
Focus on getting a job now. As far as your wife goes, go on a dark Plan B (read it on marriagebuilders.com).
She may come back, but if she does, it will be two people back together again who suffer from major insecutiry and self esteem issues.
Stop putting the focus on her and keep up with your therapy. No women likes a "doormat" and that's what she sees you as
A more contrustive term would be Codependent.
Love her from afar
__________________
Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom. ~Thomas Jefferson
It's pretty clear that your M is over. She's living with the OM. My gut feeling is that the only reason she's taking your calls, going to dinner, and hasn't filed for divorce is that she is in her own twisted way trying to let you down easy and assuage her guilt. The divorce papers will come though. You're doing all the running after her, and she's not approaching you at all. Actions are speaking loudly here.
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