I've only been married for four years and in that time I've gained 50 lbs. I have not had kids in that time. I have had a few surgeries that have helped contribute to the weight gain.
I'm 5'2" and now weight 183. I'm a size 16/18. I am 44 years old. When I first got together with my husband, I was a size 4/6 and weighed around 135ish. Even at that weight I felt like I did not look good in a bathing suit and I wanted to lose more weight (to be around 115ish). Not sure that was realistic since I hadn't been that weight since high school.
I had told him I had lost weight, so I never hid that from him. When we were first together I was motivated to work out - you know how it is, the flush of love, not being able to eat, always thinking of that person and how you are just kinda of obsessed.
He had lost 40 pounds a year or two earlier and was working out. Our new relationship really motivated him. Today, he might be 15 lbs heavier but he's still a small guy.
Two years ago when my weight got up to about 155 lbs, I noticed our sex life was diminishing. I wanted to talk to him about it but I get so emotional and cry and I don't think that's fair to him. So I sent him an email about it. He admitted that my weight gain was turning him off. I wanted him to be truthful but of course, it hurt.
What is really hurtful is that before my husband there were lots of guys who just wanted me because of my looks. I thought my husband was different. That was a big part of what attracted me to him. He loved that I was smart, that I could talk about anything from sports to politics. He loved that we shared many of the same values. He loved my sense of humor and how I could "battle" him.
When we were first together I would work out with him but I hated it. I hated having to get up early in the morning to work out. I work from home and make my own hours. One of the benefits I wanted from working from home was no more getting up at 6am.
Fast forward to today . . . I'm now at 183ish. I've gained even more weight and now pretty much don't have sex with him unless I guilt him into it. I am miserable. I snore now which keeps him up - so we sleep in seperate bedrooms. We have no kids. My time is my own. He will support me - buy gym memberships, coaching sessions, etc. We have a complete professional home gym in our basement.
I have no excuse except I am so hurt and bitter. This was the guy who I thought was different from all the other guys and what I have found out is that he wasn't different. I feel like he lied to me. Of course, he feels like I've done a "bait and switch" - that I don't care anymore.
I feel like he has me backed into a corner and I am defensive and hurt. I don't know why I can't/won't get motivated to lose the weight. I am not happy - I loved being a smaller size. I have lost weight before but now I feel like he is using sex as a weapon. "Lose weight or no sex."
When we were first married my husband was a food natzi - really strict about not eating any junk food. Again, that was fine for a while - I would have fast food while I was out during the day. I think that's how I found a bit of control in my life. Over the years, he has mellowed a bit but I know I often eat emotionally, rather than because of hunger.
I have tried taking Meridian, but even that I didn't do regularly.
I would say that I am in a happy marriage other than what I have written. I love my husband but I am not feeling loved. I feel like my only value is as a trophy wife. He's told me that I would be a better wife if I weighed less. That just blows my mind! I am the same person inside whether at a size 18 or 4 but he says I'd be a better wife if my jean size was smaller.
I fear that even if I do buckle down and lose weight that I will be very, very bitter and angry with him. Like if I get down to a size 10 and now he wants to have sex I will be like, "FU!"
I don't want to be that way but am finding that mental adjustment difficult.
I'm sorry you're hurting! Do you think, maybe depressions has added to your weight gain? What kinds of surgeries have you had if you don't mine me asking? You said you don't want to have sex sometimes unless you guilt him into it....so is it YOU that doesn't want to have sex mostly, or is it that HE doesn't want to? Perhaps its both of you that would rather not even bother? The only thing I know to tell you right now, is maybe see about talking to a counselor. Someone that can help YOU with whatever is going on and how to better deal with your feelings.
__________________ "If you're tired of beating that same dead horse....then just stop!"
Do you realize that sexual response is largely involuntary. Meaning his body is just reacting the way that it is to yours. That isn't something he directly controls.
If I were him I would be angry also, angry that you love food more then you love the marriage. Angry that instead of being sorry and trying to fix a problem you created, you are trying to blame the victim - and he is the victim here not you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by frustrated_one
I've only been married for four years and in that time I've gained 50 lbs. I have not had kids in that time. I have had a few surgeries that have helped contribute to the weight gain.
I'm 5'2" and now weight 183. I'm a size 16/18. I am 44 years old. When I first got together with my husband, I was a size 4/6 and weighed around 135ish. Even at that weight I felt like I did not look good in a bathing suit and I wanted to lose more weight (to be around 115ish). Not sure that was realistic since I hadn't been that weight since high school.
I had told him I had lost weight, so I never hid that from him. When we were first together I was motivated to work out - you know how it is, the flush of love, not being able to eat, always thinking of that person and how you are just kinda of obsessed.
He had lost 40 pounds a year or two earlier and was working out. Our new relationship really motivated him. Today, he might be 15 lbs heavier but he's still a small guy.
Two years ago when my weight got up to about 155 lbs, I noticed our sex life was diminishing. I wanted to talk to him about it but I get so emotional and cry and I don't think that's fair to him. So I sent him an email about it. He admitted that my weight gain was turning him off. I wanted him to be truthful but of course, it hurt.
What is really hurtful is that before my husband there were lots of guys who just wanted me because of my looks. I thought my husband was different. That was a big part of what attracted me to him. He loved that I was smart, that I could talk about anything from sports to politics. He loved that we shared many of the same values. He loved my sense of humor and how I could "battle" him.
When we were first together I would work out with him but I hated it. I hated having to get up early in the morning to work out. I work from home and make my own hours. One of the benefits I wanted from working from home was no more getting up at 6am.
Fast forward to today . . . I'm now at 183ish. I've gained even more weight and now pretty much don't have sex with him unless I guilt him into it. I am miserable. I snore now which keeps him up - so we sleep in seperate bedrooms. We have no kids. My time is my own. He will support me - buy gym memberships, coaching sessions, etc. We have a complete professional home gym in our basement.
I have no excuse except I am so hurt and bitter. This was the guy who I thought was different from all the other guys and what I have found out is that he wasn't different. I feel like he lied to me. Of course, he feels like I've done a "bait and switch" - that I don't care anymore.
I feel like he has me backed into a corner and I am defensive and hurt. I don't know why I can't/won't get motivated to lose the weight. I am not happy - I loved being a smaller size. I have lost weight before but now I feel like he is using sex as a weapon. "Lose weight or no sex."
When we were first married my husband was a food natzi - really strict about not eating any junk food. Again, that was fine for a while - I would have fast food while I was out during the day. I think that's how I found a bit of control in my life. Over the years, he has mellowed a bit but I know I often eat emotionally, rather than because of hunger.
I have tried taking Meridian, but even that I didn't do regularly.
I would say that I am in a happy marriage other than what I have written. I love my husband but I am not feeling loved. I feel like my only value is as a trophy wife. He's told me that I would be a better wife if I weighed less. That just blows my mind! I am the same person inside whether at a size 18 or 4 but he says I'd be a better wife if my jean size was smaller.
I fear that even if I do buckle down and lose weight that I will be very, very bitter and angry with him. Like if I get down to a size 10 and now he wants to have sex I will be like, "FU!"
I don't want to be that way but am finding that mental adjustment difficult.
Pandora, I have had several surgeries on my feet - 5 different procedures. Since those, I have pain when on the treadmill which was my primary mode of cardio.
And IT'S ME who wants sex - him who doesn't. I have to guilt him into it. I'm the one who wants sex, he's the one who doesn't.
Before we were married, he had been in a previous relationship for 10 years to a woman who was thin. He told me that they did not have sex much. He said he was not a very sexual person. I told him that was hard to believe since we had sex all the time.
Now I wonder about this. She did not have a weight problem and they did not have much sex.
I told him last Christmas that what I wanted as my gift was to have sex at least 4 times a month. That is NOT a lot, but it hasn't happened.
Pandora, I suppose depression could be a part of it. The economy has taken a toll on my business. I don't feel motivated about anything.
mem11363 said it..... I didn't.... This is a touchy and sad subject. In this case too there are no children. I know this is a very difficult debate and will reserve judgment for now....
Quote:
Originally Posted by mem11363
Do you realize that sexual response is largely involuntary. Meaning his body is just reacting the way that it is to yours. That isn't something he directly controls.
If I were him I would be angry also, angry that you love food more then you love the marriage. Angry that instead of being sorry and trying to fix a problem you created, you are trying to blame the victim - and he is the victim here not you.
Location: Detroit, where the weak are killed and eaten.
Posts: 79
Wtf!
Are you kidding me? Really? Are you ****ting me? Tell me I am not hearing what I am hearing! "You love food more than your marriage"? Mem, I've agreed with just about EVERYTHING you've posted so far because you seem like you are smart and caring, but this takes the cake. Why don't ya just drive over to her and punch her in the face? The beauty of all of this is that this post will be blocked or taken off because I AM BEING INSENSITIVE! I will post my reaction to frustrated_one in another post. And Todamn, com'n...
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Do you realize that sexual response is largely involuntary. Meaning his body is just reacting the way that it is to yours. That isn't something he directly controls.
If I were him I would be angry also, angry that you love food more then you love the marriage. Angry that instead of being sorry and trying to fix a problem you created, you are trying to blame the victim - and he is the victim here not you.
I don't understand. She said she had surgeries that have contributed to the weight loss. Her husband is certainly not a victim. He may be an innocent bystandard, but not a victim.
And he's contributing to her not being motivated to lose the weight by rejecting her. It's a vicious cycle and when a person feels like they won't be loved unless they look a certain way, it only creates more depression which turns into more overeating.
Her husband may not be able to control his sexual attraction to her, but he can control the way he treats her. He can show her love regardless and help her in a loving way.
I'm glad I didn't marry a man like this. I've gained at least 40 pounds since I've been married and my husband still finds me sexy. He loves me, not a number on a scale. Any fool can have a trophy wife, but a real man wants a trophy marriage. This guy should be ashamed of himself.
Are you kidding me? Really? Are you ****ting me? Tell me I am not hearing what I am hearing! "You love food more than your marriage"? Mem, I've agreed with just about EVERYTHING you've posted so far because you seem like you are smart and caring, but this takes the cake. Why don't ya just drive over to her and punch her in the face? The beauty of all of this is that this post will be blocked or taken off because I AM BEING INSENSITIVE! I will post my reaction to frustrated_one in another post. And Todamn, com'n...
I agree. I think that was unnecessary. Obviously she needs to loose weight, but to say she loves food more than her husband is insulting. It's not that black and white.
Are you kidding me? Really? Are you ****ting me? Tell me I am not hearing what I am hearing! "You love food more than your marriage"? Mem, I've agreed with just about EVERYTHING you've posted so far because you seem like you are smart and caring, but this takes the cake. Why don't ya just drive over to her and punch her in the face? The beauty of all of this is that this post will be blocked or taken off because I AM BEING INSENSITIVE! I will post my reaction to frustrated_one in another post. And Todamn, com'n...
This is completely uncalled for and unproductive.
You nor anyone else here knows for sure whether she loves food so much that its a replacement for her husband and sex.And even if thats the case, that is a form of depression and her channeling her energy into food is one way some people deal or not deal for that matter, of what may or may not be going on their lives. Obviously she needs some kind of help, and hopefully with positive reinforcement she might be able to do that. Telling someone to punch another in the face is not the answer.
__________________
~"The fact that you ran and told the "teacher" just proves you are ashamed of what you do." MY intentions were not the way you took them to be, but your actions speak louder than my words."
Are you kidding me? Really? Are you ****ting me? Tell me I am not hearing what I am hearing! "You love food more than your marriage"? Mem, I've agreed with just about EVERYTHING you've posted so far because you seem like you are smart and caring, but this takes the cake. Why don't ya just drive over to her and punch her in the face? The beauty of all of this is that this post will be blocked or taken off because I AM BEING INSENSITIVE! I will post my reaction to frustrated_one in another post. And Todamn, com'n...
While Mem was a bit blunt I would agree that a 50 pound weight gain over 4 years is a lot of weight. When you add i the fact that at only 5ft 2 inches tall and weighing in at 135 pounds the OP went into her marriage over weight by a goodly amount.
What's key here though is that the OP told her husband that she'd lost weight, she entered the marriage with the agreement that she was just as committed to physical health and staying physically attractive as he was ie: she was going to continue to attempt to lose weight and become more physically fit.
If OP had come here and said she'd had several surgeries
and been depressed and couldn't get lower than 135 pounds or even that she'd gained 5-10 pounds because she couldn't handle her treadmill I could understand.. but 50 pounds in only 4 years? I can well understand if her husband feels betrayed and lied to.
I have been thinking what you wrote . .. that I "love food more than my marriage." It is harsh, but it has been ringing thru my mind since you wrote it. I don't love food more than him, I really don't. I want to have a trophy marriage, as hopeful wrote.
Double ouch on mem11363.....
Weight gain is a very sensitive subject. I've been there like so many others and it is not as easy as it sounds. But....first and foremost you need to stop and really focus on what the real issues may be. The surgeries may have played a part, but I would bet that a lot of it is depression.
Get in touch with yourself and focus on you. Try to be healthier......eat right, and start exercising. Concentrate on yourself and loving yourself, don't do it for anyone else. As you start to pull out of your depression you will start to see things differently and then may be able to deal with the other issues around you; like your husband. There are different ways that he could have handled your weight gain without being cruel about it.
If I were him I would be angry also, angry that you love food more then you love the marriage.
mem,
I appreciate some of your post. But it seems that you have been fortunate in life to not have to struggle too much with trying to lose weight, and perhaps are not too familiar with the very real challenges faced by emotional eaters and individuals with eating disorders.
It should be so simple and easy as to just stop "loving" (fattening, unhealthy) foods and drinks, mem. It really should.
you're going to have to lose weight only if "you" want to. men are visual creatures. you said your foot problems have added to your weight gain,there are other things you can you can do besides treadmill,or running. diet,walking,weightlifting,sorry as much as you hate the gym,you're going to have to use it. try a different time of the day instead of 6 am.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Wtf!
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