[squeaky]

My ex-boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago. We had dated for about 4 months. It was the first serious relationship for either of us in a long time. We've both been hurt in the past, although I have more dating experience than he does. When he broke up with me, he said that he still had feelings for me, but he wasn't ready for something so serious. There was no animosity in the breakup, we still really care about each other. But trying to be friends then was too painful, and we ended up going NC for the last month and a half. I said that I would call him at a certain point just to touch base.

In the time that we didn't speak, I realized a lot of things about our relationship. Mostly that I also wasn't ready for something so serious. I looked at my journal entries from the time, and even though I liked him so much, I was also expressing so much fear and anxiety. I talked about making excuses for not wanting to be with him, to avoid getting hurt. I started to become distant from him about a month before we broke up. My parents had come to visit me and they told me to be careful about getting hurt (my family looks out for me because the past 5 years have been very difficult for me as far as dating goes, as well as the fact that I was assaulted by a man). I think I felt like they were confirming my fears, so I pushed my boyfriend away. I didn't realize I was doing it at the time, and the thing is, I liked him so much. I even felt like I was falling in love for the first time in my life.

Now my ex and I are working on being friends. I have feelings for him, but there's nothing else we can do at this point. I'm obviously not ready for something so serious. I'm going back to school for the first time in my late 20s, and I need to focus on myself and work on my fears. But in a weird way, our breakup actually made us closer and more open with each other than we had been when we were dating. I don't know if he still has feelings for me, but I don't really want to think about it now. Being friends isn't going badly. We've been hanging out less than we did before, and I am very careful about even touching him in any way. He has said that he's really happy that we're talking again, but that it's painful for him, and he blames himself for our breakup.

I really think we just had bad timing. I don't plan on getting back together with him at this point, but do you think the door is closed on us forever? I know no one can know this for sure, and anything can happen. I just wonder about other people's experiences with anything somewhat similar.

[name witheld]

I don't get it.
How come you say you don't plan getting back together at this point yet ask if the door is closed?!

Sounds like you maybe have shifted 'power' in your favour after NC and now that he is coming back to you, you have doubts?

I know you mentioned other hardships and I sympathise, i think it had a lot do with it and maybe you did push him away to a point where he was 'forced' to act. But it is a good sign that he is still there and feels like it was his fault, especially as he 'officially' ended it.

But the story pans as if you ended it and in some ways I suppose thats true.

Have you moved on?

What do you think about being with somebody else?

I think the answers to those questions will determine if the door is closed and if not key thing is to continue talking honestly and openly.
Cos lets face it, isn't communication the #1 thing?

[squeaky]

Hey guys, thanks for the input.

Originally Posted by name witheld

I don't get it.
How come you say you don't plan getting back together at this point yet ask if the door is closed?!

What I mean by this is that it's become clear to me that I need to work on things within myself before I get into something serious with someone else. I have trust issues, and I know now that I can't just jump into things. He has trust issues too, and if I am holding back from him because I am feeling scared or overwhelmed, it will never work. But I know that this is something special. Of course there are other guys out there, but I've had my share of relationships, and I've never felt a connection with anyone like this before. I mean, not even close. So even if neither of us can do a relationship now, I just hope that if we really are right together, it wouldn't be out of the question someday down the road. I don't have any doubts about my feelings for him, but the idea that love simply overcomes all isn't reality. I'm learning that some obstacles are very big, and you just have to try your best.

Originally Posted by name witheld

What do you think about being with somebody else?

I have dated a little bit, but I am just sort of taking it easy and not expecting anything. I don't get into relationships easily to begin with, but again, a serious relationship is not something I can do right now.

Thank you for your advice. I am doing my best to be open and honest with him. We have mentioned on several occasions that we can't spend time together unless we're honest with each other. I know we're both holding back some of the pain, we've talked about that. It's just exhausting to rehash it constantly, and if we enjoy being together and can grow in different ways, I'd rather focus on the good aspects of a friendship for now.

I know... it's kind of a weird situation.

[name witheld]

Sorry to reply with a cliche but I think time will tell.

Whatever happens I think you will be ok, you are being sensible and not jumping into anything.

Yeah there is more to it than love, check out my new signature!
(inspired by this thread!)

[littlebittle]

timing has a lot to do with relationships. i say for now just work on being friends and building trust. i think if it's right, the time will come. just be true to yourself.