[name witheld]

Hi all I'm new here.
As with most on I'm going through a breakup, I'm not going to post about it in this thread but I want to comment on some of the advice given.

I have to admit I'm not convinced with NC, even though I'm in it at the moment! Yes I understand the healing part and agree with that, but in the case of second chances I see some conflict of advice.

Some are saying NC is the only way to go because if the other person wanted to contact you they would, but what if they are thinking the exact same thing?

Also some have said that NC is recommended so often because it works but then others have said that it is a big mistake.

Also what if NC puts out the wrong message? eg saying you care so little about the relationship that you cut them off.

Just read a post where a response was that maybe the ex wanted something like an engagement ring and that the guy should show he cares, tell her he loves her etc as he is the guy and should be chasing.

[name witheld]

link to the last post (I had tried to reply but over 60 days old)

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t62721/

I guess my thread is really a response to this thread and a collection of thoughts I've picked up on here.

[Lamak]

Originally Posted by name witheld

link to the last post (I had tried to reply but over 60 days old)

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t62721/

I guess my thread is really a response to this thread and a collection of thoughts I've picked up on here.

Don't pay attention to that idiot.

The thing you have to realize is that NC works. It works. It works. It works. The thing that makes NC hard for newcomers is that it doesn't leave the door open for reconciliation (which is what most really want). Although not all situations are the same, if a person saw in value in you/wanted you, they would tell you. By going NC on them, it puts all the weight on them to make a move on something they gave up while you move on with your life. If they don't make a move, oh well, you'll be over them hopefully. That's the greatest aspect of NC.

[AnthonyMalibu]

Also what if NC puts out the wrong message? eg saying you care so little about the relationship that you cut them off.

First of all, if your ex broke up with you then she cut YOU off.

Now... when you're not contacting her, will she get the impression that you care little about the relationship? Hopefully, yes. Sounds counterproductive to getting her back, right? In reality though, it's just the opposite.

The fact that you're willing to walk away from the relationship will be the very thing to make your ex believe that the relationship might be worth saving. She'll think "Wow, maybe he needed me a little more than I thought I needed him. Maybe there was something there. Maybe I'm making a mistake".

Every time someone breaks up with you, they're still looking over their shoulder to see your reaction. They WANT to see you chase them. This validates their decision to end things, and strokes their ego. People like to be needed... even after they've dumped you. It's human nature.

By showing your ex that you don't need her, you're displaying strength. Confidence. Independence. These are attractive traits in a guy. Much more attractive than if you started chasing after her.

[selena_cat]

Originally Posted by AnthonyMalibu

First of all, if your ex broke up with you then she cut YOU off.

Now... when you're not contacting her, will she get the impression that you care little about the relationship? Hopefully, yes. Sounds counterproductive to getting her back, right? In reality though, it's just the opposite.

The fact that you're willing to walk away from the relationship will be the very thing to make your ex believe that the relationship might be worth saving. She'll think "Wow, maybe he needed me a little more than I thought I needed him. Maybe there was something there. Maybe I'm making a mistake".

Every time someone breaks up with you, they're still looking over their shoulder to see your reaction. They WANT to see you chase them. This validates their decision to end things, and strokes their ego. People like to be needed... even after they've dumped you. It's human nature.

By showing your ex that you don't need her, you're displaying strength. Confidence. Independence. These are attractive traits in a guy. Much more attractive than if you started chasing after her.

Very well said, i agree 1000% percent,i'll just apply that to my situation

[name witheld]

thanks for the words.

I saw (and posted) in another thread about NC maybe not being right in certain situations (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t208162/)

So if one has genuinely made mistakes (ie not just 'feel' they have) and wish to repent how can they do that in NC?!

I can't say that I disagree with the logic of NC though, eg for the attractive traits, but it does seem a little bit like mind games if you actually wish to reconcile.
Not saying that I'm gonna break NC though, but I do expect that she will. (she has twice already - NC for a week, broke up for a couple of months)

I don't get the wow maybe he needed me a little more than i needed him part though. How does NC create that?

I do understand when people say breadcrumbs, at least NC stops that and who wants breadcrumbs!!

[name witheld]

Selena, you agree 1000%?

Is that from a womans perspective then where the guy chasing is unattractive?
Whats the difference between chasing and 'hanging on' then?

[euroxx]

I don't believe in NC, never have. I think one of the only situations where NC is needed is when the other is WRONG or has done something wrong and needs to realize it. NC in that case will show how serious you are and get them thinking.

I seriously believe that in a lot of relationships, NC will kill the chances of reconciliation depending upon the person.