Haha, there's another sucker in the friend zone...
There's a great guy, my best friend...Matt.. he listens to me nag all the time. Complain about life and my failed dates. I had a freak out the other night and he had to go to his parents' party but was texting me there to help me thru my woes. See, what happened was this guy broke my heart, I fell madly for him...but then let me down that night--telling me he wasn't into me romantically. Matt and I talked for a long while. Matt followed up the next day with asking how i was doing. We talk every single day since we've met. If I get tied up and not respond for the whole day, he'll send a gentle note or such... "wondering how you were today, i hope well" or some such.
Matt asks me out for dinners and pays for my meals. Go with me shopping. And sits with me during my coffees, listening to me gripe for hours. Always an open ear and nice shoulder. He gives me great squeezes and rubs my shoulders to console me.
...We have hour 2+ hour long phone calls that I always hate to end.... and we both hate the phone. I can't count the number or emails or texts we've sent. I had to change my phone plan because of him.
But, well here it is: the sucker in the friend zone is ME. He friend zoned ME.. the guy that had let me down was Matt: he just doesn't have romantic feelings for me. He said he likes me platonically a lot but the romantic feelings just arent there.. so....
How the hell does this happen?!? I'll be 28 next week and I've seen nothing like this, ever.
Why is he acting like a pseudo-boyfriend? Especially if he doesn't want to be. He never asks me for a thing. And if you're wondering, he isn't gay. Yes, I did ask. And i'm not terrible looking girl; easy on the eyes. He does think I'm cute, sexy, loves my hair, eyes, bod. and actually, i fight to keep most of my friendship as platonic ones. I'm not saying i'm some GREAT insanely desirable thing or any such....yano. . .
It's just weird. But I'm madly head-over-heels for him. We were friends for about a year & he did feel the same for me months ago. but not anymore. but he hasn't changed his actions. Which makes it hard for me to not still be totally into him.....
.. doesn't this, like, rip some space-time continuum??
Sounds like bizzarro world if you ask me. Have you seen any of his ex-girlfriends? Maybe there is something about you that isn't his type, like hair color, etc?
Anyway you slice it, welcome to the friend zone!
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My friend D is exactly like that. He told me once that this way, we could never break up and would always be together on some level. He likes my company, wants me in his life, but he does not want me romantically. Eventually I just accepted it, and have come to enjoy the companionship.
That is about the best you can do. You can either put your broken heart front a and center and walk away from what you want, or you can put it behind you and enjoy the relationship you have.
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I guess these things do happen. But even if you aren't with him romantically, in the long run I'm sure you'll come to cherish his friendship. That's how most men and women become friends in the long run; as long as they both know they're incompatible as anything more than platonic friends.
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"To regret one's own experiences is to arrest one's own development. To deny one's own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of one's own life. It is no less than a denial of the soul.", De Pronfundis, Wilde
This is definitely an uncommon situation. As a guy, I can honestly tell you that we all want something. It sounds like Matt wants friendship and nothing more... I can't believe I wrote that sentence, but if everything you're saying is true (and he didn't lie to you about being gay) I guess this might be one of the most unique situations around.
You have two choices as far as I'm concerned. One, you could continue the relationship but try to convince yourself that it's nothing more than a friendship: i.e. Matt will never want you, and you shouldn't even entertain the hope that he will.
The second, and I think better move, is to withdraw. This is going to hurt Matt if he values your friendship, but that's where you tell him:
"I'm sorry, but I really like you. I like you to the point where it hurts to hang out with you. Knowing you only see me as a platonic friend is not helping the situation, and I need to move on and find someone who can love me... not just like me."
If he asks to still be friends at that point, you're gonna need to tell him no. Matt will man up and realize he has romantic feelings for you... or he'll shrug and move on without you. Either way you win. You need to free yourself from this friendship now, because it's holding you back from having a real boyfriend. Not to mention that any new guy you start dating is NOT going to like you hanging out with Matt, and won't understand the "he's just a friend" concept.
My friend D is exactly like that. He told me once that this way, we could never break up and would always be together on some level. He likes my company, wants me in his life, but he does not want me romantically. Eventually I just accepted it, and have come to enjoy the companionship.
That is about the best you can do. You can either put your broken heart front a and center and walk away from what you want, or you can put it behind you and enjoy the relationship you have.
I agree. But in the initial stages of getting over her feelings, if she chooses to keep this person in her life, she will need to step away from him for a bit. If they always are together she may not be able to get over the romantic feelings.
That's what I'm going through right now. I had to take a step back from this girl, because if I stayed close I would always want to take it to the next level. I need to get the feelings gremlin off my back before I can truly appreciate her as a friend and only a friend. If I hang around her with these feelings, its not fair to either of us as the feelings will always be putting pressure on any situation.
Who knows? If I get over these feelings, I may realize that she wasn't exactly the type of person I'd want to be friends with. It may sound selfish, but in these situations you must always look out for yourself and yourself only. If you keep trying to think of the other person, you will never truly heal. These situations are by far some of the most painful we as humans can go through, so it's not wise to prolong it any longer than you have to.
Last edited by WTRanger; 2nd November 2009 at 10:33 AM..
I'm in the friend zone too. You're not alone. I'm doing NC at the moment, but eventually I want to be his friend again. I enjoy his company. It just hurts so much that he'll never see me in *that* light. It makes me feel inadequate.
*hugs to you*
(And no, I've never had sex with him either, and I don't think I'm unattractive physically...)
You said at one point he did have feelings for you...what happened then? Were you not interested, or is this something he told you after the fact? If he told you at the time and you weren't interested, that could be why he's not now.
As far as the way he's acting, I've been in a similar situation...my best guy friend and I would do all those sorts of things together, we were each other's standing weekend plans if we were both single, would crash at each other's house and share the bed, sometimes kinda cuddle...it really was just a pseudo relationship when neither of us had one. He was interested in me at one point but it wasn't mutual and he understood. So, it does happen...just sucks to be on that end of it. Like others have said, it depends on whether it's hurting you too much to stay in the friendship if that's all he wants.
Argh the nice guy! They treat you really nicely and you think they're interested. When you've fallen for them they turn around and say, 'Huh? Have I been leading you on????'
</rant> *gets off soap box*
Quote:
Originally Posted by oysterman
Did anyone think maybe he's just a nice guy? There IS more to life than sex (OMG, did I just say that?)...
As an advocate for: "Men and women can sustain a genuine platonic and healthy friendship", I concur with the few that did advise:
Enjoy the friendship for what it is. If you need to put that person in a new light or level in your life,do so graciously.
IF it grows later on , so be it, but dont let it be the only reason you hang in there, create and sustain that friendship. Think of them as a cousin or a relative that is endearing yet you know not to cross a line.
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Like others have said, it depends on whether it's hurting you too much to stay in the friendship if that's all he wants.
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