[mom]

Hi everyone,
Everytime my daughter does something wrong I scream at her and I even told her that I will kick her fn ass if she gets an F on her report card. After screaming at her I get so sick from my nerves because I feel guilty for repremending her. Dont get me wrong I dont this doesnt happen every day only once in a blue moon. But I still get so sick that I even get a panic attack. My daughter is 12 and she wants to get loose and do stuff by her self and she wants to date.

[GorillaTheater]

You have to do whatever it takes to stop screaming at your daughter, especially dropping f-bombs on her and the physical threats. You're causing damage to your daughter and your relationship with her, and you know you are. That's why you feel so badly about it.

She might be pushing your buttons. 12 year old girls are pretty good at that (and 13 year olds even better). When you feel that rage, don't say a word. Step back and collect yourself. However long it takes. It's okay to be angry. I'd say it's okay for that anger to show up in your voice. But don't raise your voice, at LEAST not until you can control yourself better. And there is never a good reason to ever be verbally abusive. Always remember, even though you're mad as hell at her, that this is your daughter, who you love and want nothing but the best for.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Do you have a co unselor available for a few sessions to work through this?

Young girls going through puberty can be unbelievably tough to deal with. Here's a suggestion that might help to change the way things go down. If you can find a moment when things are going well, engage her in a conversation about it. Tell her that you would like to handle things differently and when things escalate to a high area you need to be able to take a time out and deal with it when both your emotions are in check. Create a code word that means time out to both of you. Define what that will be. No more talking for the moment, each retreat to you own space, whatever.

This will give you the time to revamp, remind yourself that it isn't the end of the world, and that you are the parent and you don't have to resort to that with her. Also during the talk, tell her that unfortunately you are going to make the important decisions for the next several years. She doesn't have to like it but she does have to be respectful, and that you will respect her as well.

12 years old is ridiculously young to date. Go ahead and tell her how dating will work in her world. I know everyone does it a little differently. It doesn't sound like she's interested in dating 12 year old boys. Don't push her away, she's gonna need you.

I remember begging to date at 12. I was serious and my parents laughed! 15 was the rule then. I had a crush on a boy 5 years older, who was kind to me but wouldn't have been interested in a 12 year old. I was 15 and 2 months before I was officially asked out on a real date anyway!

Good luck and God help you, I'm so glad I've got a boy to deal with this time.

[flc]

Screaming will be counter productive to what you want to accomplish. Your daughter will turn you off when you start and then learn that screaming and swearing is the appropriate way to communicate.

Now, I know this is hard, I have a 16yo daughter who knows how to push all of my buttons and I do loose my temper. But I never found that this solves things, kids respond much better to quiet logical communication vs loud emotional ones.

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, mom.
It's excellent that you posted! For whatever reason, it just makes me glad

I do agree with those who are suggesting that you might want to learn more effective communication skills, stress/anger management strategies, etc.

There are also workshops and books to help parent (guide and educate) teens to make wise self-decisions that will lead to them feeling happy, confident and secure.

One book is 'Trust me, mom - everyone else is going: The new rules for mothering adolescent girls: Understanding and surviving the social life of your teenage daughter' by Roni Cohen-Sandler. But there must be many more in that section of the library...or do a search at amazon.com, and check the customer reviews.

Best of luck -- wishing you and your daughter an incredibly happy, supportive, encouraging and uplifting mother-daughter relationship!

[Peaceful Guy]

i think that IfWishesWereHorses is really on the vibe for this one. i get the impression that her response was strait from the heart. not to the exclusion anyone else of course!

[LucreziaBorgia]

You are teaching your daughter that it is ok to scream and swear at people when angry. Kids don't listen to your words so much as they watch what you do. It does not surprise me that she wants to 'date' and 'get loose'. I suspect those things represent an escape for her.

I'm not trying to be mean, but my parents were abusive - screaming, beating (and I mean 'punching in the face' and 'kicking' sort of beating), and so on and you know what? My friends and my FWBs were my only real escape from that hellhole. The more they screamed and punished and threatened, the further away from them I drifted. I was a hellion, and my parents taught me through their emotional instability and abusiveness to be that way regardless of what their intentions or words were.

My advice? Stop with the screaming and the threats, and get some sort of help for yourself. You can't fix your daughter until you fix yourself first.

[ADF]

Originally Posted by mom

Hi everyone,
Everytime my daughter does something wrong I scream at her and I even told her that I will kick her fn ass if she gets an F on her report card. After screaming at her I get so sick from my nerves because I feel guilty for repremending her. Dont get me wrong I dont this doesnt happen every day only once in a blue moon. But I still get so sick that I even get a panic attack. My daughter is 12 and she wants to get loose and do stuff by her self and she wants to date.

So stop screaming at her. Why do people think that by screaming and making threats, they're getting their point across. They're not. They're just showing their kid's how crazy, immature and out-of-control they are.

You have every right to restrict your daughters social activities and forbid her to date. You need to scream to make that true.