[lostlove1]

I don't even know where to begin..........my heart and mind are battling each other daily.......and it is making me crazy.........let me start from the beginning....and a warning here.....it is long, but its hard to condense years into a few paragraphs....

About 6 years ago my then best friend tried to hook me up with a friend of hers, there was really no interest at the time. As the friendship grew and developed, I started to fall in love; but I didn't realize this, or I should say I didn't want to admit it, I was stubborn and in denial and very afraid of getting hurt. But most of all, I had never felt such strong feelings for another person before, the constant year of butterflies and the energy I felt just being next to him. There was such a sense of peace. Unfortunatley, he never came out and expressed his feelings for me....and of course I didn't admit any feelings to him......

At the same time my then best friend was also having me talk and console another member of this mans family. Come to find out he also had an interest in me. I was not interested.

As time went on, my then best friend was going back and forth telling me horrible things about the man she initially set me up with. Of course I believed her, she was my best friend...right???? Well, come to find out she was the most evil person I had ever met.

To make a very long 6 year story shorter......she was at the same time encouraging me to be with the mans family member, telling me that he was more for me and loved me, etc. etc. etc. As time went on, we ended up in a serious relationship, had a baby, and got married.

After the baby, I noticed that we really had nothing in common...sadly....but staying together as family is important to me. It wouldn't be as bad but there are times when I feel, I should say, I know that my husband is emotionally abusive to me. I try to communicate this with him over and over, he changes things for a week or so and then goes back to his old ways. I do love him....I don't feel like I am in love with him anymore because of the emotional damage he has done to my heart....but I keep hoping in time, he will get it right, and I will heal.

Seems like all should be okay?? Well, things were okay until about a year ago. I had asked my husband if I could contact the man from my past, since he was related to him and clear the air on a few things that were really bothering me, and so I wouldn't have to feel uncomfortable at family gatherings, etc.

I make the call, and we spoke for quite awhile....what I wasn't expecting is that he confessed all his feelings to me...he told me how much he loved me and that he fell in love with me and is still in love with me, and that it would never change. The reason he had never admitted any of these feelings to me before is because he too was being told horrible negative things about me by my then best friend.

We had both bought into everything she had said, and trusting her as a best friend had no reason to doubt her. He too was afraid of the strong feelings he had, and afraid of getting hurt. So we both were guilty of letting another person control our lives......

All of a sudden things made sense. I broke down after we got off the phone. I realized then and there how much I really loved him. I had been having dreams for over 5 years about this man and now they all made sense.

I have been so sick to my stomach and nervous, realize this has been almost a year. I feel guilty that I love him. He is still in my dreams, and I think about him everyday....it never ever goes away. I feel like such a bad person because I am not in love with my husband.....I feel guilty because we have a child and I feel like I need to stay in this relationship for my child.

I am hoping that I will get some good advice to help me sort things out. When I write all this out I feel really stupid.....