[No first names]

[SIZE=2]About a year ago, I got back in touch with an old friend from high school. We were inseparable from about 6th grade until our freshman year in high school. In short I thought she used me, so I ended the friendship. My harsh decision haunted me all through high school. Just as we were getting ready to graduate, we both agreed we were being stubborn, apologized to each other, and were back on speaking terms. After graduation, we went our separate ways.

Fast forward 17 years later, and I see her on Facebook. She was in the process of leaving her emotionally abusive husband for another man. I kept my distance while she worked through it, but we still spoke to each other once a month or so from then on. One night she finally decides to tell me what really happened the night I ended our friendship. Long story short, she was raped that night. She explained that she was so ashamed at the time, she would rather I go on believing she used me, than tell me about the rape. I can’t describe how awful I felt (still do) for not being there for her. She needed her best friend more than ever, and I abandoned her.

Turns out the man she left her husband for is not only emotionally abusive as well, but he abuses her physically too. Last week she decided to leave him. I picked her up from her house an hour away, and paid for her to get her car out of the shop the next day. I’ve also given her money for gas a couple of times. The first time it was so she could go see her kids (her ex has custody), and most recently so she could visit her family 2 hours away. She was supposed to call me when she made it to her family home, so when she didn’t call 24 hours later, I called her parents. They told me she wasn’t coming. She decided to stay in the city.

This is the part that I need help sorting out. The money is immaterial. At this point it’s a negligible amount. I’m hurt that she hasn’t called me to explain herself. I feel like I’m being used again, but I was so wrong the last time that I’m afraid to call her out. It’s possible she’s taking the time to enjoy her freedom. After so many years of living with controlling men, I certainly don’t begrudge her that. The red flag I can’t ignore is how she left giving me the impression that she was going to spend a few days with her family. Only to find out that she never went, and she never bothered to call me to explain herself.

I really don’t know what to think. I am a no nonsense person, and I would never let someone treat me like this. However, given all that she’s been through I feel I should excuse her behavior and reach out to her to give her a chance to explain. But the no nonsense person in me feels like I should cut my losses and let this friendship go. I didn't know her for 20 years, so I don't know what kind of person she is anymore. She comes from good people. In my youth, I tried to spend as much time away from my home as possible, and her parents always welcomed me at theirs. Is that enough to stay involed and see her through this dark time? I just don't know.
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[Ronni_W]

Originally Posted by No first names

But the no nonsense person in me feels like I should cut my losses and let this friendship go.

I would call that the "self-loving" part of you, actually. (And I do agree with it.)

SHE made the decision to withhold important information from you on that night, almost 20 years ago, that your friendship ended. Her reasons for not confiding in you are perfectly valid BUT all of it was still 100% in her own power and control.

At that time, you acted on your own behalf with all the information and evidence that you had at the time. It was not a "harsh" decision but a well-informed one. There is NOTHING for you to feel guilty about, for having taken it. SHE had the power to offer you SIGNIFICANT additional information, which she did not do. There is NO REASON for you to take on any responsibility for how she did her side of things.

In my youth, I tried to spend as much time away from my home as possible, and her parents always welcomed me at theirs. Is that enough to stay involed and see her through this dark time?

In my opinion, those are two entirely separate things. How her parents treated you as a youth does not obligate you to make yourself their daughter's doormat and banker now that you and she are both adults.

Her "dark time" is a consequence of unwise decisions that SHE has made as an adult. She is, IMO, taking advantage of you; of both your kind nature AND your (misplaced) guilt around the end of your friendship.

You can, of course, make the conscious decision to keep allowing her to do that to you -- or you can stand up for your own Self, and make sure that you are treated kindly, respectfully and lovingly...by yourself, if no one else. (It doesn't sound as if she has the inner resources to give you that at this time, so I suspect it would be unrealistic to ask her for it.)

Did I mention that you have NOTHING to feel guilty about, as far as the past is concerned? And, in the present and for the future, your self-loving action ought to be your highest priority. IMO.

Best of luck.

[2sure]

You dont know really what has happened in her life for the past 17 years.
She may have become a victim or she may have become a manipulator. Harsh to think , I know, given what she has revealed to you. But either way there is a lot of drama in her life - the abuse she has taken, the cheating she has done, losing her children, then not visiting them....Not good.

Based on your past relationship with her parents, the best thing you can do if you want to help her...is ask them for the whole story. Then take it from there.

[No first names]

Great advice you guys! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. And Ronni, you are 100% correct that I shouldn't feel guilty. After letting go of that guilt I was able to make the right decision for me. My friend knows I will be here for moral support and to point out her options, but that's where I draw the line. She's already showing that she's willing to help herself, and I'm proud of her for that. I hope she can stay strong.

I would just like to add that I love this forum! I've found lot's of great personalities here with real solutions to everyday problems.