Sigh......I've been patient. I have accomplished what he asked of me financially. Got the job(actually working 6 days a wk!) contributing to the household,cooking more blah blah blah. Yes, I am a princess, but really?? No RING after 2yrs. of having it in a safe?? Come on now! We live together and he tells me all the time how he adores me,we're perfect for each other etc. and I truly believe he's sincere. He does, however, have some insecurity issues from ex-wifey but no reason not to trust me. We're great together,no major issues,life is good. He's had perfect opportunities to ask. For instance.......we were in FL for our 2yr. anniversary with his family, no ring.....we had a picnic in Aug.,whole family there,no ring......I don't know,maybe he just doesn't want to? And YES we have talked about it extensively. He was thinkin like 5yrs(what?????)I was thinkin like now, LOL. We agreed somewhere in the middle. He said he was gonna ask soon, still no ring. Maybe he really just doesn't want to, I don't know!!
You say 2 years, he says 5. You compromise in the middle - 3.5.
But you really didn't MEAN the compromise, did you? You still want now.
What is it that marriage symbolizes to you that you want so badly? As someone who has been divorced and now in a very serious LTR (almost 3 years), I can tell you that it can be very hard to jump back into another marriage. I already thought that I loved someone enough for "forever" - and I was wrong. I already made vows I believed would stand the test of time - and I was wrong. I already thought I knew someone well enough to live with them day in and day out without wanting to kill them - and I was wrong.
Why would you want him to propose with all his family around? Marriages are between two people, and IMHO, proposals should be between 2 people as well. Too many women get way too involved into the logistics of the whole proposal, the ring (and its size and value), the planning, the buying, the parties - and they neglect the marriage in favor of the wedding.
I just read your other thread about why he won't marry you, and I have to say - having a job for a month and cooking for a month isn't really "proof" that you are ready to be a full partner in this relationship.
Give this some time. You sound like you want the security of marriage only from the security standpoint. Be secure in yourself and in your own abilities to take care of yourself and your daughter with no help from anyone else, so that marriage becomes a bonus instead of a burden on the "providing" partner.
IF you were living on your own, how would you manage? What would you be doing differently in order to survive?
Well, we live together,we act like we're married, where's the REAL commitment here? Are we just playing house or what? I want a BIG proposal because I didn't have that the first time around. I would love him to get creative in the asking. Some woman would prefer something quiet but I'm definetly not that personality type. If he's gonna keep me waiting,it better be good. LOL
Last edited by katiekayla1; 26th October 2009 at 10:49 AM..
Reason: took part of her thread by accident
But he's NOT keeping you waiting. Two years isn't very long at all.
IMHO, yes, you are playing house, but you chose that when you decided to move in with your daughter. Honestly, he is getting all of the benefits of marriage without the legal responsibilities. He gets financial help, he gets cleaning, he gets sex, he gets companionship, he gets cooking, he gets to feel like he is in a parenting role. The SECOND he marries you, he assumes financial responsibility for you - and you haven't exactly been a 50-50 partner in providing for him in the past.
It doesn't matter what "trappings of love" you had or didn't have in your past marriage. What matters is what the MARRIAGE was about, and what this new R can give you and what you can give him in the future that is different and healthier than in the past.
Marriage isn't a ring, it isn't a grand proposal, it isn't a dress designed to look well from the back - it is a partnership between two people who love each other deeply enough that they trust their lives and their futures to each other while they work together to achieve mutual dreams and goals.
I agree with Luckyone that a month isn't THAT long of a time to "prove" you're a great partner.
I don't know Katiekay, it doesn't sound to me like you guys are on the same timeline. He's not in a rush because he already has you and your daughter. Nothing will change if you marry ACCEPT he will assume legal responsibility for two people like LO said.
I think at this point you will either have to "piss or get off the pot" for lack of a better phrase. If you really can't stand waiting then you are going to have to make a decision whether to continue the relationship. Is he worth losing over this?
Well, I have my own timeline in my mind. He has to about late spring early summer to pop the question. If no ring, then I'm going to take a BIG step back and look at the whole picture and decide if I'm going to stay or not.I feel like most people have basically said "why buy the cow when the milk is free??"That to me is just crap. Why should how much I financially help be a deciding factor in asking me to marry him? It makes me feel really worthless and like he's dangling that over my head. It's VERY HURTFUL. It's to the point that it's kinda a "sore" subject between us now. Just so EVERYONE knows, I had my own apartment and a good job before I moved in with him! I'm not pathetic,I can stand on my own feet and provide for myself and daughter. He in the beginning, didn't have ANY expectation of me, ESPECIALLY FINANCIAL. He changed the "rules" AFTER I moved in. I did what he asked.
Well, I have my own timeline in my mind. He has to about late spring early summer to pop the question. If no ring, then I'm going to take a BIG step back and look at the whole picture and decide if I'm going to stay or not.I feel like most people have basically said "why buy the cow when the milk is free??"That to me is just crap. Why should how much I financially help be a deciding factor in asking me to marry him? It makes me feel really worthless and like he's dangling that over my head. It's VERY HURTFUL. It's to the point that it's kinda a "sore" subject between us now. Just so EVERYONE knows, I had my own apartment and a good job before I moved in with him! I'm not pathetic,I can stand on my own feet and provide for myself and daughter. He in the beginning, didn't have ANY expectation of me, ESPECIALLY FINANCIAL. He changed the "rules" AFTER I moved in. I did what he asked.
Yeah, I know that must be hard. I think I told you this before but I don't think he realized he would have to support you for so long when you moved in together that's why he changed the rules. He's just one of those guys who wants an equal partner I suppose. My fiance is somewhat like that although he has loosened up on it since we got engaged. It's weird, like a switch went off or something.
Have the two of you decided how you would handle finances once you are married? Like one bank account, "whats yours is mine" type situation? It's pretty obvious you feel hurt over this whole thing and if you feel that he should love you and want to marry you despite your financial situation then you may just be with the wrong guy....
You know, you are right, I am EXTREMELY hurt. That's why I'm going to step back if there is no ring in 6mths. That says alot right there by him not asking.........in answer to your question, we have seperate bank accounts. He would like to keep it that way but I have mixed feelings about that. I have a very good feeling it will stay seperate. Does anyone "REALLY" know if they're with the right one? I was soooo sure in the beginning of our relationship,but now, it seems I'm not so sure with all this proposal stuff. I believe everything happens for some reason, so maybe he's not supposed to ask me in the "big"plan. Maybe he's not my soulmate.
You know, you are right, I am EXTREMELY hurt. That's why I'm going to step back if there is no ring in 6mths. That says alot right there by him not asking.........in answer to your question, we have seperate bank accounts. He would like to keep it that way but I have mixed feelings about that. I have a very good feeling it will stay seperate. Does anyone "REALLY" know if they're with the right one? I was soooo sure in the beginning of our relationship,but now, it seems I'm not so sure with all this proposal stuff. I believe everything happens for some reason, so maybe he's not supposed to ask me in the "big"plan. Maybe he's not my soulmate.
Okay I'm confused now. You are having doubts now? What made you realize this?
Well, yeah.....the fact that he hasn't asked me makes me stop and question the relationship, sure! Who wouldn't?? Don't forget, he purchased the ring 2yrs. ago right before I moved in and has had it sitting in a safe. So, you tell me, why hasn't he asked? Most normal men, are estatic, they usually can't wait once they have the ring to propose. He wanted me to be more of an equal partner as you put it, and I have stepped up to the plate and still no ring.........now what?
Well, yeah.....the fact that he hasn't asked me makes me stop and question the relationship, sure! Who wouldn't?? Don't forget, he purchased the ring 2yrs. ago right before I moved in and has had it sitting in a safe. So, you tell me, why hasn't he asked? Most normal men, are estatic, they usually can't wait once they have the ring to propose. He wanted me to be more of an equal partner as you put it, and I have stepped up to the plate and still no ring.........now what?
Oh I thought you meant you were having doubts because of your other thread stating that he dressed badly and let himself go.
Not ALL guys are in a rush to propose and give a girl a ring. You also have to remember that all this pressure is probably getting to him. Men generally want it to be THEIR idea, not yours.
I know how you feel, I HATED waiting for my fiance to propose. But if you truley want a life with him that's what you are going to have to do..or break up with him. The timeline idea sounds like a good one. But really you should be working and contributing because you WANT to, not just for this guy to marry you. He could be picking up on that too....
Honestly though, your boyfriend doesn't want to get married right now and no amount of badgering or pleading or even PROVING yourself is going to change that. He said 5 years, okay either accept that or move on.
I feel like most people have basically said "why buy the cow when the milk is free??"That to me is just crap.
He changed the "rules" AFTER I moved in.
So you're saying that after he got the milk, he decided not to buy the cow?
Yeah, I can see how that would make you think the whole idea was crap.
He seems to be totally happy with the situation. If it isn't working for you, I'm afraid you're gonna have to be the one to change. You will drive yourself crazy waiting for him to come around.
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