[yes]

Hola!

I'm wondering how something that's been going on while i was growing has/could've affected me, - i think i should be conscious of this because it may be causing me discomfort now.

The story:
Back in school, i was forced to do well by my parents - I did well out of fear (too long to describe the details). Moreover, there were a bunch of guys who were smarter than me, and i was _always_ compared to them - i was in constant trembling over being "second best quality" compared to these boys. (Now I'm thinking if I only relaxed i could've done as well as them!)

At the same time, my family lavished me with gifts, etc - and i always felt guilty in the sense that i didn't deserve what they gave me.

Occasionally, I stayed with my uncle, who made me re-write homework until there were no errors at all, - tears or no tears. He was especially into putting me on the spot & having me panic about giving the right answer - and while I got great satisfaction when I did get it right, I think the factor of constant stress was totally unhealthy.

Through all this, combined with no attention from boys until I was at least 17, I developed some complexes, I imagine. Even now, I sometimes get that panicy fear of being asked something & being unable to answer correctly, being told "shame on you"...

Even now, when I tell my parents I'm going to go out because exams are over a week away, they say "are you SURE your exams won't be a disaster, then?" (Grr, thanks for your confidence!)

At the same time, they (family) sometimes have bursts of praising about how wonderful I am; oh, and they also tell me i have low self-esteem (hence the praising??).

I don't know - perhaps I would've done worse in everything without all this stepping on my pride's heels. But when I have my own kids, I hope to push them ahead with better methods...

Anyway, back to my question: when I think back about all this, it doesn't sound healthy at all. I wonder what complexes I developed (of course you cant tell exactly, so - COULD've developed), and how I can possibly control them.

thanks,
-yes