It just isn't the ending we ever imagined it would be.
There are those of you out there that are familiar with the trauma that has plagued my husband's country the last couple of months.
Unfortunately there was even more stressed placed upon an already entirely too stressful situation.
We hadn't been able to speak as we normally used to for a while either.
With new stress factors happening every couple of days -- MAJOR things like acts of nature and great loss of lives -- there was a break down.
On his side, he retreated into himself and I believe frustration and desperation were all that were present.
On my side, my frustration also grew and although I was trying to be understanding - a level of communication was lost.
We had an argument. It was a big one but not any bigger than some in the past.
However, this time there were things that were said that was a line not to be crossed. A Pandora's Box was opened by him and unfortunately due to circumstances and geography there can be no rectifying of it.
In no way does this mean relationships don't work. It doesn't mean people do not love each other - because I know surely we both do and have.
But we do have to take care of love that we are given and with our situation and the time, stress, and issues that have already been straining our relationship we just couldn't take another factor. And we had several more right on a row.
When words are all you have they can be a great gift but sometimes we say things in the heat of the moment that we can never take back or change.
And sometimes those things that are said leave questions and doubt. We have generally been careful about this. He has always had a hotter temper and has had a handful of times where something was said that was over the line. He would always recant and state he was just angry and that I know him and I shouldn't take those things seriously. We'd have a discussion and I would say "you have to be careful because you can't take those things back - once you say them they stick out there - and knowing the way that I am one day you are going to say something one too many times or it is going to be a more severe comment and there will be no going back from that" -- and months would go by where it wouldn't happen. Well, with everything going on, he pushed the envelope -- I pushed back.
We aren't face to face we can only rely on words as far as our commitment and loyalty to each other. Those have been called into question (more than likely on both sides) but on my side it is irreconcilable.
We are both culpable. Each of us can point out a lot of things and pull he said she said crap and struggle or pick some more but we won't. It is a sad turn of events to be sure.
While I am sure there will be bad days, I have also made my peace with it.
I'm so sorry to hear this. Are you really sure that this is it? The distance between you makes this so much harder for you to sort out problems. Is there any chance of you visiting him? Surely it's got to be worth a try so at least you know that you have done all you can
((Hugs))
__________________
I'll play it first and tell you what it is later
I'm so sorry to hear this. Are you really sure that this is it? The distance between you makes this so much harder for you to sort out problems. Is there any chance of you visiting him? Surely it's got to be worth a try so at least you know that you have done all you can
((Hugs))
Thank you Anne -
I am 99.999% this is it.
It is the distance that makes it impossible to sort out this particular problem.
This happened days ago and is not so fresh. I have sat with it as has he.
To even attempt to reconcile it would take miracles on his side to me -- and he simply is in no position to be able to. Geography and the economy prevent it completely. To tell you the truth I can';t even tell you what would need to be done. The straw broke the camels back - I don't think it is just on my side either.
To plan on going there would take a lot of planning, money, and certainly a whole lot of faith and trust which basically is what was damaged.
Part of what transpired was calling what I have done already (for the last 7 years into question) - that it isn't enough and I need to do MORE.
The sense of entitlement is what pushed me over the edge. It very well could be due to the past couple of months events.
It could be that there has been SO MUCH time since we have seen each other. It could be that there was no truth at all in what was said and merely was lashing out.
All or none could be true. But as I said, due to being apart all we have ever had was appreciation, words, trust, and faith in each other. When those go south how do you use those same tools to fix the problem?
I am sorry if my English is not so clear. But....can words said in a moment of-your words- stress and trauma be considered 100% real and felt and true?
You said that you know you both love each other. So what?
He has been suffering a lot recently, I guess-and you, the loved one, were there to take...what? Maybe the rage, the powerlessness, everything unspeakable and probably he found the wrong words to express this. When someone is frustrated, sometimes feels entitled, due to his rage against world and circumstances.
Love is a gift-don't put this gift away. Dare to hope. Dare to believe.
(((hugs)))
__________________ If this person is where your heart can comfortably reside as his or her mate, then don't give up – the time and distance apart may seem insurmountable, but if you're meant to be together, you'll end up together (Quankanne)
I was so saddened to read your original post. I'm so sorry to hear of the events that have led to the dissolution of the relationship. I can't even begin to understand what that feels like, considering the depth of your relationship and history with your SO. But I can send my biggest hugs to you in this most difficult time and hope that you find the guidance and strength from your fellow posters on LS, that you've often lent to us. We're always here with a listening ear.
I wish you the best of luck in whatever path you choose and hope you find the strength in yourself that has always been there to move forward
I was so saddened to read your original post. I'm so sorry to hear of the events that have led to the dissolution of the relationship. I can't even begin to understand what that feels like, considering the depth of your relationship and history with your SO. But I can send my biggest hugs to you in this most difficult time and hope that you find the guidance and strength from your fellow posters on LS, that you've often lent to us. We're always here with a listening ear.
I wish you the best of luck in whatever path you choose and hope you find the strength in yourself that has always been there to move forward
((((hugs))))
Thank you Ingenue.
I have procrastinated posting here. So many have told me they are inspired by us and our story -- I did not want to cause others any more reason not to believe in love or happy endings.
That may be putting a lot of importance on my little story but that is how I was feeling about it.
At the same time I knew I had to tell my LSers.
As I said -- it doesn't mean we don't love each other. And it doesn't mean that happy ending DON'T happen.
What it DOES mean is that if you have love each person has to care for it.
It has to be respected and held as valuable.
And if tragedy comes cling tighter to each other - watch your words that can bite so deeply. Because if you abuse it - it may just get to the point that there is no fixing it -- especially if you already are putting that love to it's full test for a very very long time.
Your words are so very kind. I can't thank you enough.
I am sorry if my English is not so clear. But....can words said in a moment of-your words- stress and trauma be considered 100% real and felt and true?
You said that you know you both love each other. So what?
He has been suffering a lot recently, I guess-and you, the loved one, were there to take...what? Maybe the rage, the powerlessness, everything unspeakable and probably he found the wrong words to express this. When someone is frustrated, sometimes feels entitled, due to his rage against world and circumstances.
Love is a gift-don't put this gift away. Dare to hope. Dare to believe.
(((hugs)))
I understand your words. You mustn't be sorry for your English.
Yes I took the rage, the powerlessness, everything unspeakable is correct.
And this while I have been the one doing the work and putting in every ounce of effort to rectify this situation for 7 years.
The last 5 or 6 weeks has been a new emergency for me to solve or a new problem to address and figure out.
I would have been fine with that -- although I was beginning to wear thin -- had all of what had been done previously not been attacked in the process and I was made to feel like a whipping post during the course of it all.
Those that know my story from the beginning know my level of devotion and effort. HE very well knows it - he has lived it for 7 years of LDR - 9 years of our relationship.
You can love to the Nth degree -- you can sacrifice and do the work to stay in it and make it work. But there must be a level of respect on BOTH sides and the level of entitlement with no appreciation was beyond anything that would be solved with an apology.
Then on my side I struck blows of my own about that. It became a twisted convoluted mess for me. Possibly for him as well.
I only know that what I have used to hold onto - that fueled my fight for us -- that held me fast -- was shaken loose at the very core of it.
Love is like a weed. It is hardy and it is strong. It can grow in the rockiest of places and have very little nourishment yet survive.
But if you TRY you can kill it.
I am not saying the love is dead. But at this point it needs fertilizer and tons of rain to thrive again.
Where this particular weed lives is desert. There can be no rain -- and there is no ability for fertilizer. The basics it took to not only survive as before but THRIVE as it needs to for me to continue this battle that has been so VERY VERY hard (the effort and work is ALL on my plate and always has been) are simply NOT enough to bring it back from the damaging blows it has endured just about back to back for weeks now.
I hope that makes sense.
It is a sad loss for me but it also just means that my life now goes on in a different direction.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucky_One
(((((Island Girl)))))
You have fought so long and so hard for him - and there is a legal marriage to dissolve - are you sure that this is IT?
As it stands now it appears it is the only option. Doubt is no good in a relationship let alone one that is based solely on trust from such a distance.
There is nothing that could be said to remove the doubt from my head -- on his side there is doubt as well and although I know where it comes from and why there is nothing I can do to prove circumstances either.
It is a stalemate.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mountainlove
I am really sorry to hear that. I guess sometimes you know the answer deep down in your heart. When you listen to your heart and know things aren't working out anymore breaking up is the best thing. But if your heart tells you different stay and work on your marriage.
" Listen with your heart and you will understand"
I wish you strengh to move on to whatevery direction you choose.
Hugs!!!!
Thank you very much.
I refuse to stand and fight but be the only one. He may feel that way as well.
And in the end we could tell each other wonderful things - what has been said will never be taken away - and in order to go through with all of our plans SO MUCH trust, faith, and security HAS to be present.
Due to circumstances it can not be rebuilt in any REAL way. And I would need that -- absolutely NEED that to invest any further.
I am really sorry to hear that. I guess sometimes you know the answer deep down in your heart. When you listen to your heart and know things aren't working out anymore breaking up is the best thing. But if your heart tells you different stay and work on your marriage.
" Listen with your heart and you will understand"
I wish you strengh to move on to whatevery direction you choose.
Sometimes, life throws curve balls at you from every direction, so much so, that there doesn't appear to be any hope left. You feel like no matter what, you can't dig yourself out from under.
I suspect that's how he feels right now. Between the stress of his current environment and the stress of maintaining your incredible relationship, maybe he feels like curling up into a ball, ignoring the world and just sleep, dear sleep.
I also suspect that with things so close to happening, each minute and day, he'll have to uproot himself from his comfort zone, no matter how detrimental, and start a new life with you.
This doesn't make his reaction acceptable. If anything, he should also be thinking about you and how much this has affected like you, including your health, as sb states.
You two have more love between you than anyone I know. If you consider how much I idolize my parents and their relationship, that's a hella' compliment. This isn't the end. I have faith in the two of you but most of all, I have faith in your IG. No matter what happens, you'll handle it and handle it well. It's not over.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
(Quankanne)
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