Firstly, a brief introduction from my side. I'm James, 21 years of age and I work in IT. English isn't my native language so please forgive me silly spelling and grammatical mistakes. I am labeled a friendly, smart, guy and I am considered to helpful and trustworthy. I am not people shy, in fact I love conversing with people, yet I have always been a person with few friends, and some acquaintances. Most of the people whom I consider friends are people I have met online and I have met most of them in real life. Also, until recently I was convinced I would be able to love anyone from the bottom of my heart...
Naturally, that is where my problem starts. I have never lacked any attention from girls and woman. But all of them never suited my taste. (I sound like a douchebag saying that) So recently I started talking to a coworker, who is now no longer a coworker due to the fact I work on different projects, whom I had a slight interest in, for the first time in my life. We chatted a bit at work and as soon as I moved out from my parents I jokingly invited her over. Hoping she would say yes. My wish was granted and I was baffled when she said yes. A day before she were to come over she said she couldn't come and I was certain she would make up excuses to not come over until I'd forget about it. The next saturday however he asked if she could come over the next day; I was filled with a feeling of almost unnatural joy. We talked for 3 hours the next day and when she left I couldn't believe I talked to a girl for 3 hours without boring her. She would come over many more times and it all involved more talking. Around her I feel comfortable and happy. I experienced a lot of things with her for the first time such as hugging. Yes; I am 21 and didn't hug anyone until 1 month ago. She's also the first girl whom I asked out for dinner and she's the first girl whom I went to see movies with. The 6th time she came over to my place I dared to place my arm behind her on the couch. To my surprise she didn't mind and she actually came sitting closer to me. I touched her small, frail shoulder and shuddered when I felt how soft women are. The following dates she'd sit closer and closer to me to the point where we started hugging. She has said to me many times that she likes to be around me, and can't imagine living without me anymore. I have always been a guy that wanted to travel around the world and live a hectic life abroad in many cities of the world. However when I imagine myself being with her I can honestly say I wouldn't mind where in this planet I am... as long as I am with her. The default family life with her sounds perfect for me.
So as we met more and more I felt a deep attraction to her; combined with her words of how much she'd like me I was hoping this would become my first, and hopefully forever lasting relationship with a woman. One night during our SMS sessions I told her I wanted to tell her something important. Since she's impatient she insisted that I'd tell her via text as she wanted to know. I told her that I started liking her and how I hoped we could take our friendship to the next level. She replied to me that I had been interpreting her signals in a wrong way and that she doesn't have any feelings for me besides friendship. Oh... and the whole "I can't live without you" feeling as well but she claims it's not love. Since she had 2 relationships before me where she was ditched by both guys I take her word for it as she's more experienced as me. However; she has lost a lot of friends as well who just "gave up" on her, has problems with her parents, and on top of that she has been fired a lot of times at work. I know she doesn't sound like a very lovable person but please take my word for it that this woman is very very very lovable. For me anyway; and that is what counts. I feel that you need to have patience with this woman and if there is anything I have then it's patience. Anyway... i texted her back that I understood her and that I hoped this wouldn't change things. In fact it didn't and she came over many more times.
Before I knew it I was feeling what people would call "butterflies" for the first time in my life. I was, and still am, honestly loving this person for who she was and is. A few dates later I broke into tears as we were watching a love movie on TV. She asked me what was wrong and I fessed up my love for her. A compassionate hug followed and she said again that she doesn't love me and that she can't be more than a good friend. This is now about one month ago and we have been dating for... let's say 3 months in total. Right now we're being "friends" to the extend where we both lay down on my couch; where she places my hand on her soft belly and I just fall asleep like that. And every time I tell her how much I like her she tells me how sweet i am.
She's 26, lives with her parents so she comes over to my place all the time. about 3 times a week on average. One time when it was getting really late she said she'd drive home but was really tired. I offered to drive with her home, on the passenger seat as i have no drivers license... although I am busy learning for my drivers license so I can drive to her. Yes, I love her that much.... so anyway I somewhat drove her home, then spend 2 hours at 04am trying to get home. In the end I called a cab. I was raised with (not by) pets and dearly miss them since I started living on my own. Sadly enough she is allergic for animal hairs so I decided to drop the idea of buying a little fuzzbucket. I pay for the movie tickets; cook for her; pay for our dinners; spend countless of hours in PT to see her; place her above everything else and listen to her. I spend a lot of time in her and trying to understand her better. Including reading about her culture and learning about the skin disease she's fighting.
She listens to me as well, and is a very sweet person. I never lied to her and I know she never lied to me as well. I feel that we are ment to be together since things just feel right. However; she keeps her distance from me by saying that she doesn't love me and most probably never will. She gives off so many hints that creates doubt with me whether she will love me or not. We easily discuss marriage together. She is considering moving in with me, and when I asked her what she would do if I asked her to marry me she said she'd say "yes" depending on how I asked it. She says she is looking forward to spending new years and Christmas with me as she says this will prove I will not abandon on her like those people before me did.
As you hopefully figured out by now; I am deeply in love with this woman. This woman who says she can't live without me any more, wants to be with me all the time, and has told me everything there is to know about her life. Yet... she says she doesn't love me. She feels things for me or so she says; but she says she doesn't know what these feelings are.
I told her it's okay and that we'll both have to do our best to figure out what these feelings are. And that is something I honestly wish to do. I want to be with her for a very long time; preferably until i die. However since relationships work somewhat different I know that I will lose that intimate contact we have if she falls in love with someone. After all; we're not in a relationship and she is allowed to fall in love with anyone she wants. (Of course; I hope it's me)
So my problem is; what the hell should I do. I am emotionally torn apart as everything I used to believe in has been demolished by this girl. Just by being herself. She means a lot to me and I do not wish to lose her. I do know however that despite the fact I have tons of patience; it has a limit. It's not reached and won't be reached for a long time...
Or perhaps I just want to know what she is feeling. Could she be feeling love but is she fighting it as she's afraid that I will abandon her? If so how can I make her realize that the only true way to guarantee this friendship we have is by taking it to a next level. If you'd see us cuddling on the couch; in bed (no sex or kissing!); at the movies; or just on the streets you'd be sure we'd have a very happy love relationship. An old woman whom I offered my seat in PT even said we looked like such a happy couple. Her parents think we're having a love relationship, and even I think at times we have a love relationship.
I have no experience in love; I don't know why I am feeling this but I know that she makes me the happiest man on earth just by being there for me.
I don't want to drop her; I don't want to abandon her; but I also don't want to spend my life chasing a relationship that will never happen.
I am clueless... deeply in love... and clueless. Should I wait? Should I put pressure on her? Should I ignore her? Should I stop with this all and live with the fact that the only girl whom I have loved is now a psychological wreck who gave up on mankind?
HELP!
~James
p.s: Sorry for writing such a boring long post.
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