I am reading all these posts about people who are cheating or thinking about cheating and it makes me literally sick to my stomach. Let me tell you the other side of the story to give you something to think about before you decide to betray your spouse and break the vows you made to God on your wedding day.
I am 29 years old and currently married to a wonderful man and have 2 beautiful children but to this day I am still suffering on a daily basis for the cheating my ex-huband did. We started dating our Junior year in High School and got married one year after Graduation. He was the love of my life and my first true love.
We were both very strong Christians, went to Church regularly, and had a wonderful life. I worked to put him through school because I was going to be a housewife and I "didn't need an education". He got his engineering degree and was (and is) an Engineer for the largest micro-processor company in the world. We built a beautiful 5-bedroom home, bought 2 new cars, and were trying desperately to have a baby.
Sometime into our 2nd year of marriage a new girl started working with my husband. She was 2 years older than we were and a single Mom and something about her made me very uneasy. We went to a Christmas party at her house and she totally doted on my husband and ignored me and then I went to a volleyball game my husband was playing in (he wasn't expecting me there) and she was sitting on his lap. I NEVER thought my husband would cheat being the God-fearing man that he was but I still forbid him to speak to her or be friends with her. Several people started calling me to tell me that he was going to lunches and things with her but when I confronted him he denied it. We had our 3 year anniversary and he sent me a dozen roses, took me out to this fabulous restaurant, and bought me this card that he wrote "You are my soulmate. I know we will be together forever! I love you with all of my being! Forever Yours Faithfully, his name. Three days later while he was in the shower I got a really weird feeling and I went and looked at his cell phone. There was a number I didn't know programmed into the FIRST slot of his telephone directory. I called the number and the girl I forbid him to talk to answered the phone. When I told her who I was she hung up. So, I called back and told her that my husband would never leave me for her and if she was having an affair with him all she had to do was tell me and I would leave him and she could have him. She started crying and told me she was pregnant with his baby. I kicked him out that day...he moved right into her house...I filed for divorce on that Monday and my divorce was final that Thursday.
Then, to make things worse, he was ordered in the divorce to pay all of our debt (which was substantial) because I had put him through school and helped him get where he was. Well, about 9 months after the divorce I started getting calls from Creditors that he wasn't paying. I hired an Attorney and filed to reopen the divorce and have the debt transferred to me and get his wages garnished. Well, then he filed for bankruptcy which forced me to file for bankruptcy as well. So not only did he break my heart and ruin my trust in men, he also ruined my credit.
This all happened 6 1/2 years ago and to this very day, not a day goes by that I don't think about him and wonder what evil spirit possessed his body and made him do this because the man I was married to would never have hurt me this way. I love my husband now but I will never be able to love him or trust him the way I did my first husband...he stole that from me too. Every time my husband now looks at another woman I feel like I am going to lose it. In fact, a single Mom with a daughter just moved in across the street and she is very nice but I am already imagining my husband cheating on me with her.
People who cheat do not realize that they go on with their lives like nothing ever happened while the person that was cheated on is hurt and devastated for years and is changed forever. They can never trust again how they use to because they won't be made a fool twice. I did some things that I won't admit to on here to get even with them and it helped me momentarily but I still think of things every day that I could do to them to make them suffer for what they did to me. (They're still married and have 3 kids now). She tells me to stay out of "thier life" but what she doesn't understand is that it's not "their life"...it was mine and my husband's life and SHE came into OUR life and destroyed it. She is living MY life with MY husband and she has everything I have done coming to her!
Anyway, all I can say is that God will place judgement on everyone and it says in the Bible that adulterers will not dwell in the house of the Lord. Adultery is a sin...it's breaking one of the Ten Commandments. It's wrong. If people would talk to their SPOUSE about the problems they run to their little girlfriends and boyfriends about they'd probably have a better marriage. When you are married there is no reason to have friends of the opposite sex. There are plenty of people out there of the same sex to talk to and it won't put you into a position that might cause you to stray. You are affecting someone for a lifetime when you make the decision to cheat and the thing is that we are only on this earth for a short time...when we die it is forever. Is getting a new piece of Xss going to be worth burning in hell for all eternity? Think about it! If more people would be true and loyal and stay married all these kids wouldn't be so screwed up now days. Good luck to all of you!
[color=indigo]
It is obvious that you are still hurt and bitter after so many years. I can see you feeling that way right after everything happened, as you were wronged by someone you loved. However, 6 and half years later you still feel the need to get back at them? You need to let go...
You blame the girl and call it getting "a piece of ass", but it takes two to destroy a marriage. It was as much your ex-husbands fault. Apparently, if it was just a piece of ass, then he wouldn't still be with her. Maybe they are truly in love. It's a possibility.
You mention that you are very religious and that is apparent in your last post. You say you won't mention or admit on this board things you have done to them to try and get back at them. Well, your husband committed adultery and that is a sin, but is what you did to them a sin as well? Would God approve of your actions? I am thinking no, since you didn't want to write them on this board. Also, if you are so religious, aren't you supposed to trust in God and believe that He will see that they get what they deserve? I don't believe that God recomends we take "getting back" at people into our own hands...
Also, people can and DO get over infidelities. Some people have to go through counseling and others resolve that issue on their own. People have survived cheating husbands and have been able to love and trust just as deeply again. It is what YOU make of it. Don't accept defeat or else you will stay bitter and angry for the rest of your life. That isn't healthy for you or your kids.
Accept that your ex-husband moved on with his life and move on with yours. You got together at such a young age. Those type of young relationships, more then not, don't last. You need to grow and find yourself before you can truly be in a lasting relationship. At 16, you don't know who you are. Plain and simple. You might want to seek counseling because it seems as though after all these years, you haven't made any progress in healing. For your sake, I hope you find yourself able to love and trust someone that deeply again. Anything is possible... You are your only deterent.
[/color]
__________________
"Your second chance makes a brilliant first impression
on someone who walks in just when you get it right." ~Unknown
"Your vision will become clear,
Only when you look into your heart.
He who looks outside, dreams.
He who looks inside, awakens." ~Carl Jung
I agree with you that I am bitter. I don't argue that fact. I have every right to be bitter. And you are right, maybe they are truly in love but the fact of the matter is...he was MARRIED, he had made vows to me and God to be honest, faithful, and true to me til death due us part. He never should have put himself into a position to fall in love with her. And, honestly, I don't think he is truly in love with her. I think he feels obligated to be with her because he got her knocked up. He would never leave his children. He's not like that. So, he would stay with her no matter what because of his kids.
The things I did to them were wrong and against the law...that's why I don't want to talk about them but I believe that people who hurt other people deserve to be hurt in return so they don't do the same thing to someone else. If I didn't have my own kids that I don't want to lose I would do a lot worse things. I would take her husband from her like she took him from me but in a different way. I hate the thoughts and feelings I have and I ask God every day to lift this hate and torment off of my heart but He hasn't yet so I must live with it from day to day.
Needless to say, I have been to many counselors and even went through a substance addiction and rehab after he left me but nothing has helped. I love my current husband a lot and he is a wonderful father but I will never let him all the way or let him hurt me that way. I can not live through that again. My ex-husband will have to answer to God, not me. Anyway, thanks for the reply. I respect your opinion and it was nice to hear. Thanks again!
ah, leikela, even Jesus, that model of love and forgiveness, was ticked off enough to chase the moneychangers out of the temple!
I think what she was trying to do was share with the posters who gleefully admit that yeah, they're having an affair with a married person or are cheating on their spouse. While it might be all fun and games, something new and exciting for the people directly involved in the affair, the victims are the spouses and kids who get cheated on, and something like that you don't just get over easily, no matter how you try. I think the gist of her post was that while you might be attracted to a flashier way of living, when you've made a commitment to someone, you owe it to that relationship to see it through (or even end it) properly, not just go chasing after a flash in the pan just because it's there and you want it know.
A lot of the posts we get from folks about their adulterous affairs suggest that we should look past their selfish needs and wants and root for them simply because it's their right to chase after true "love"/happiness. They don't care about what the affair costs the other parties indirectly involved, just as long as they get what they want. It's basically a fast-food mentality applied to morals: I want it now, I want it fast and I don't care if it's bad for me or if it might cause someone else problems BECAUSE I WANT IT, I WANT IT I WANT IT!!!
what is really sad is that many times, those people don't learn anything from their actions: If they land their lover by breaking up a marriage, it just reinforces the idea that adultery is a win-win situation. If they are spurned, then it only makes them try harder to get what they want. Why? I suspect it has a lot to do with being part of a society of people who refuse to be responsible for their actions.
I understand what you are saying and I agree with you in that aspect. My post was to mainly to point out that 6 and half years later, it wasn't healthy for TheCrawfordsNM to still be plotting and carrying out illegal revenges on her ex-husband. I was merely making it clear that internally healing is a process that CAN take place and should take place. Being so bitter and filled with hatred will only destroy her even more.
Yes, a lot of people are hurt and have their lives up-rooted by infidelity but it doesn't have to mame you for the rest of your life. That was all I was trying to get across. Accepting what happened and moving on is the only way to be released from the feelings that is keeping her prisoner.
[/color]
I think the reason that I have held on to all this resentment and anger is because I never had any closure, never got any answers, never got to say Goodbye. After I kicked him out (he was still denying the affair at this point) we never spoke again except through Attorneys. I never got to look him in the face and ask him why and how long it had been going on, etc. That and the fact that he basically gloated after he moved in with her...bringing her to all of our Court hearings so I could see her pregnant and then filing for bankruptcy because he "couldn't afford to take care of two families". I was there first. I am the one he should have been loyal too. Even his own parents would not go to his wedding or her baby shower. He has not had any consequences from all this and I have had way too many. Believe me, I try every day to let go of this. When I say my prayers every night I beg God to take this anger, hurt, and resentment out of my heart...it just hasn't happened yet. I just hope that some day he does the same thing to her because you don't really know what it feels like until it happens to you. Thanks for the replies!
[color=indigo]
That is a step in the right direction. Knowing that you feel this way because you never had any closure. Have you ever thought about possibly getting that closure? I think part of letting go is TRYING to at least tolerate the other person, as forgiveness in your situation seems somewhat difficult. Maybe if you went to him and said you wanted to know some answers for your own closure purposes, he might oblige. That is a huge step to take, but have you ever considered it?
[/color]
1. "We were both very strong Christians, went to Church regularly, and had a wonderful life."
I don't think so. From my knowledge of Christianity, love and forgiveness is the hallmark of that belief system. To the extent that you are able to forgive the sins others and recognize their humanity is the extent that you will be spared judgement and karma for your own wrongdoings.
2. "I did some things that I won't admit to on here to get even with them and it helped me momentarily but I still think of things every day that I could do to them to make them suffer for what they did to me."
You wrote that you were a "VERY strong Christian" yet you are seeking vengeance. You must not have read your bible very well. According to the precepts of your alledged belief system, we are not here to punish the sins of others or to get vengeance. That is addressed directly in the Christian Bible. Look up "vengeance" in your concordance and read away...or enter the word in a good search engine.
You talk about the evils of adultery yet you admit that you cannot fully give to your current husband because of your attachment to the evils of your ex husband. That in itself is a form of adultery. You are adulterating...or mixing...one relationship with another. Until you let go of the past you cannot be fully loyal and devoted to your present husband.
I find it bizarre that in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary that so many men and women are shocked that their mates, on occasion, betray them. It's not good, it's really a bad thing...but the FACT is that a great number of spouses find and take advantage of the opportunity to cheat at least once or twice during a marriage. The circumstances must be understood and human beings must be given the handicap of being human. As long as men and women are built as they are and raised in a society where morals are corrupt if not practically gone, there will be this and other kinds of sin.
So, all I can say to you is..."Let he who about me is without sin cast the first stone."
I cast no stones. My sin started when I was very young, taking a tootsie roll from the store and it's continued on from there. But I don't dwell on the sins of others, no matter how I may have been affected. It's absolutely crazy to allow the temporary acts of others to impact my own life in any permanent way. I hope you will grow to see that philosophy and apply it to your life.
__________________
Yes we can! (Well, maybe...possibly...all depends...let me get back to you on that!)
Needless to say, I have been to many counselors and even went through a substance addiction and rehab after he left me but nothing has helped. I love my current husband a lot and he is a wonderful father but I will never let him all the way or let him hurt me that way. I can not live through that again. My ex-husband will have to answer to God, not me. Anyway, thanks for the reply. I respect your opinion and it was nice to hear. Thanks again! [/B]
Have you thought about what this bitterness is doing to your current husband? How it is affecting your children? It is you know. Whether you see it or not, it has become a part of you and whether or not your current husband and children recognize it for what it is, they see/feel/sense it, and if it's not already hurting them - it will.
It's easy to say stop looking back and look forward, but it's very hard to do. If the counseling you have already gone through hasn't helped, then find different counselors. Don't stop until you make your own closure and can move forward, or you ex-husband is going to come between you and your current husband and rip your family apart.
You made a decision to love and marry your first husband. He didn't live up to the commitment. Make that the end of it. Accept the hurt and let yourself heal. Another man fell in love with you and married you. You have a future with fresh decisions to make - please don't let all your future be clouded with bitterness from a past you can't change.
In response to the person who asked if I had tried to seek closure from him...I have indeed. I wrote him a letter via email last Monday asking him to please answer these questions for me so I can move on with my life. His sister called me and told me that his current wife will not let him respond to or speak to me because she is afraid I will interfere in their marriage or he might still have feelings for me. How ironic? The mistress turned wife is afraid of losing her marriage! I am thinking about trying to call him at work but not so sure it is a good idea. I guess it doesn't really matter what his answer are...it won't change what has happened but I just feel this urgent need to know. Call me crazy. I do love my current husband and never talk about these things to him because I don't want to hurt him but I don't trust him because I don't want to be a fool again and that really bothers him. I thought that time would heal my wounds but when I think about what my ex-husband did to me it hurts just as much today as it did then. Thanks for the advice everyone. You are really making me see some things in a different perspective...
My current boyfriend went through a very bitter exerience with his ex wife and I understand what infidelity can do to your head. The thing is, unless you can somehow deal and let go you will live and die with bitterness. Or numbness. Or both. This is of course not what you want, for yourself, your partner or your children. So what to do?
First of all you have to find where you want to be and work with those that love you to get there. To me it sounds like where you want to be is back with your first husband, in that big house with the two cars living the life his new wife has (and it IS their life, you might not like it but she is not living your life - that's imposssible, you are, and you're ruining it by not realizing this).
My b/f and I talk whenever it comes up about what we need from a relationship - he needs a lot of love and trust and of course puts a lot of emphasis on loyalty and faithfulness. We slowly at first, looked at some of the issues behind what happened, communication, emotional detachement, being married too young, being in a disfunctional relationship, not fixing what could have been fixed... really there are so many things and yes, sometimes it gets tireing and painful but whatever it takes to deal, find some peace and move on is worth the effort. He is not chronically insecure (a sure sign that you haven't worked through all the issues) and is slowly working to dilute the hatred (which as you have seen can stay with you for years). How do we do that? Well, recognising mistakes made, seeing the good times that were there but were forgotten and though he's far from being able to forgive, being grateful that you survived and had the chance to meet someone that loves you as you deserve. I'm not being overly romantic but in the words of the late great John Lennon, I guess 'love is the answer'. You have to love yourself more than the life you had, more than you hate his new wife, more than you want revenge.
You speak about the bible, didn't Jesus say ... 'If your eye is making you stumble - rip it out! Better to get into the Kingdom of God with one eye, than to be thrown with two eyes into Gehenna..." in other words, it might be painful but you have to get rid of the feelings and thoughts that stop you from getting God's approval. Hatred is unchristian, it keeps you warm on long dark nights, when the alternative is wondering if everything you had was a lie, but it it still unchristian and destructive. Love is a fruitage of the spirit [of God] so is Joy, peace and goodness (Galatians 5:22,23)... so much as I sympathize how you have been treated don't think you are condemned to a life of bitterness and hatred, you are not. If you beg God for his spirit and your analyst for his advice and your husband for his love, you'll find the strength to get what you obviously are missing, the peace to leave the past where it belongs so that you can live the life God has given you to the full.
You are very right in all that you say and all I am looking for is a few answers from him and he will not give them to me. He OWES me those answers. I gave him 12 years of my life and he never even said Goodbye. And actually, I have another big house and new cars and those things don't mean anything...they don't take away the hurt and betrayal I feel. How can he just go on with his life like nothing ever happened and I never existed and I have spent the last 6 1/2 years tormented. It's not fair. He should have to pay for what he did to me and it's hard for me to just let God take care of that because he doesn't seem to be suffering at all. She was a single Mom who had nothing just looking for a man to take care of her and her daughter so she found a handsome, successful man and ripped apart his marriage. Oh, it is so hard for me to let go of this hate. Even though I am a Christian, no one is perfect and it takes everything I have not to want to bash her face in. She needs to feel what she has made me feel. I hope that some other woman comes along and does to her what she did to me and then she can raise all those kids alone. Thanks for the advice. I am desperately going to try to take it.
YOU STATE: "He should have to pay for what he did to me and it's hard for me to just let God take care of that because he doesn't seem to be suffering at all."
Who are you to decide what he should have to pay for? And how do you know he hasn't suffered with this? If you had gone to a good psychologist after this happened, he would have explained to you how psychological defense mechanisms work. People who feel extremely guilty go through great head exercises and gyrations to keep themselves from falling apart and that's what he's doing.
I strongly urge you to start doing some head exercises of your own to get yourself together. No matter how good or how bad you ex feels...or how good or how bad his life may be...that will have little effect on your life in the longrun. Only YOU can change your life by ceasing to harbor such anger and resentment...which I find to be rather rare for the amount of time which has passed.
The ONLY person who is now paying for your exes transgression at this time seems to be YOU and you keep paying and paying everyday. That seems so highly irrational to me. I think you ought to be very angry at yourself for putting your own self through all the head stuff on a daily basis, continuing to PUNISH YOURSELF for the violation of your ex husband....and you're also punishing your current husband.
You need counselling and you need it now. You are robbing yourself of precious days you will never get again by focusing outward on another rather than living your life to the fullest. See a good counsellor and try to undo the severe damage you continue to allow yourself to do to yourself. It's simply not fair to you that you should choose this course of action, it's pretty nutty, and awfully mean to your current husband.
If your current husband knew how obsessed you were with this, he would probably take some action of some sort. Personally, I don't see how you could have fallen in love with your current husband with this kind of wishful vengeance and anger for your ex constrantly swirling around in your head.
Please get help. Today could be the last day for the planet. Many insane countries are getting nuclear weapons. Don't live like this. Do it for yourself!!!
I can understand your wish for vengeance and vindication, although as many others have pointed out it is decidedly unChristian, and it's holding you back from putting this behind you.
You say you don't see him suffering. Do you need to? He and his new wife found each other via betrayal and deception. As your former sister-in-law has hinted, those things seem to be built into the foundation of their marriage. Neither of them will ever be able to fully trust the other. That's a lifetime of nagging doubts about the core of your emotional life. Not something I'd want to sign on for.
What about you? Why are you allowing the destructive actions of deceitful, unscrupulous people continue to haunt you? You say you want closure, and again, believe me, I can understand that. I've been hurt by someone who never apologized, never took responsibility for his hurtful behavior. I'll tell you, though this stuff is years behind me now, I still feel I am owed an apology by him. You know what? I'm never going to get it. It's not in him to own up to his bad behavior, doing so would require him to reassess many of the choices he's made. He's never going to do that. I understand that, and while I'm not accepting that it's OK, I have accepted that's how it is. There's no changing his character, and why should I waste my time? I've got better things to do with my time and energy. Thank god that I didn't end up marrying the guy, I'd be in for a lifetime of emotional draining and resentment. His inability to face me just goes to show all the more that I'm better off without him.
But I don't assume that all men are like him. I don't do him that honor, nor men in general that disservice. I see now how I deceived myself where he was concerned. I see how I was inclined to believe in my ex, because of where I was in life at the time (unsure of what path to follow, looking to do something significant rather than just a mundane 9-5 job, he seemed to have the answers). Now I'd never fall for such a self-absorbed, self-important person as my ex is. Lesson learned.
What about you? There were probably circumstances in your own life, right out of high school, that made the situation with your ex-husband appealing. You had it all mapped out, work for a few years and then raise a family while he earned a good salary. Sounds nice, but did it perhaps blind you to the dynamics that were going on in the relationship? Obviously you made a mistake in marrying him -- not something to beat yourself up over, surely, but I'll bet you can see now in hindsight how wrong you were about him. Hey, you were very young and inexperienced (as was he). But you wouldn't try to recreate your relationship with him, given the chance. Would you?
Don't do yourself, your husband, or your children such a disservice as to let your ex-husband's enormous flaws taint you forever. Don't give your ex-husband such power over you (and your family). He's clearly an unworthy sort of guy. He doesn't deserve to wield such influence in your current life. He doesn't deserve to have any space in it at all. Keeping this alive in your heart and mind only prolongs your suffering, and it gives him more significance than he deserves. He's not capable of living up to his responsibilities, so it's foolish to wait around for him to do so.
Take yourself out of this hurtful emotional limbo and get on with your life. Everyone around you knows what a jackass he is. He knows it too ... and so does his new wife. That's why she doesn't trust him.
Thank goodness you didn't have children with the guy. Think of how much more difficult and awful everything would have been for you if you had.
Live your life in the present, with the good people you have around you, and let this sorry lot live in their own mess. You don't have to wish them well. But you shouldn't let them be a part of your psychic landscape.
I gave this advice to someone else here: sometimes you will never know the answers to why people do or have done the things you do. Some things we go through in life we have to go through to learn lessons. And there are plenty of good lessons you could have learn through your situation although it was very devastating. When we learn from our mistakes and our hurt, it makes us wiser and stronger. When we don't it makes us upset and bitter.
You need to read 2 Timothy 3:1-5. It talks about the attitudes of people today in the times that we are living in. And the truth is we can be the sweetest person on the universe people and do all the good in the world that does not mean that we will never be treated like dirt. Some things in life although devastating, are a fact of life. People will be cheated on, people will be lied to, people will hurt others and people will treat you unfairly. That's a fact of life that you can not escape or should never feel that it will never or should never happen to you. And once you realize that and accept that, you will let go of your pride. Because pride, not heartache is what's actually keeping you from moving on and letting your ex-husband go. Pride is making you feel like you should never have been treated the way you have, and rightly you should have been, but just because you shouldn't have been doesn't mean you would not have been treated that way. It was very possible. Pride is also making you feel rejected because this guy is still with the woman that he cheated on you with, so it makes you feel like you were all that or you must have been a really bad wife. That's not necessarily the case.
You can be a wonderful wife and a man may still cheat on you. You can't control other people actions or feelings. If a person is selfish they are going to manifest that attitude sometime in the relationship and that's what your husband did. That has nothing to do with you falling short as a wife. You're in a wonderful relationship now which means you are capable of carrying on a relationship, and that you're a person who is lovable and attractive. What you need to do is let the ex go completely. Say to yourself: you know what, the first marriage didn't work, things fell apart, it was unfortunate, but you know what, I'm a good woman, I'm can be strong, I can be happy without him, I wish him the best with his life, and I'm going to go on with mines. If you feel that you have the power to be happy after a relationship has ended, you will never fear fully trusting or fully loving another man. The only one holding yourself back is you.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
The other side of cheating...
Linear Mode
