[on_the_rocks]

My girlfriend and I are having major problems and I don't know what to do. Please read below. Your advise would be greatly appreciated!


It started on a personals website. We just basically im'd and texted each other for about a week. After a week she told me she was seeing a guy at the time so I stopped all communication with her. Well about 2 weeks later she texted me and told me they broke up and she wanted me to come over that night so I did. We watched a movie and later that night had sex. We continued to see each other about once a week for three months. I asked her after three months if she was seeing anybody else she said NO and i asked her if she wanted to be exclusive she agreed. As time goes on we become very close. One day she calls me and tells me her neighbors friend asked if she wanted to hook up she told me she said no. Then one night this guy comes to her back door and i answered it and he said ops wrong door because she lived in a duplex. I asked her later if that was the guy that made an advance towards you and she said yes it was. I always trusted her never checked her email phone or anything.

6 months later we decide to rent a house together. At this time I think our relationship is going really good and I loved her. One day after we move in together I got on her computer to get on the internet and the way her computer is set when you open the web browser it just goes strait to her email. Curiosity got the best of me and I started looking at her deleted e mails. I couldn't believe my eyes she was talking to some guy in a way you don't talk to guys when your with someone. They said things like " where you at tonight" and one even said " don't text me I don't want my boyfriend to be here and me have to explain everything lets just email". I was so hurt i confronted her about them and she said they where just friends but i knew that was a lie so i kept asking her and she first said they just hung out before we got exclusive and never had sex. I kept asking because it just didn't sound right then she admitted to having sex with him while we where going out but not exclusive and not after we became exclusive. I was able to get passed it although I have my suspicions. And I told her she doesn't need to talk to guys like that when she is with someone.

Four months later I still have my suspicions. So I tell her I know there is more to the story than she is telling me. well long story short she finally told me she was sleeping with four other guys besides me before we became exclusive. Although she didn't technically cheat Im having a hard time dealing with this. Plus the fact that she has lied to me throughout our relationship.

Should I give her ANOTHER chance? I love her a lot but it has been hard on me. Now I don't know what else she has lied to me about. should i cut my looses?

[TaraMaiden]

What do you think?

When the Trust is gone, it's a devil's own job to get it back...

4 guys...?

one maybe....but 4??

Even before you were exclusive.... that's a lot.....

Unless these were ground rules you agreed to before you became exclusive - that is, unless you both knew, agreed and fully accepted other people might have been involved before you committed - then I think this excuse is a pile of crock.

it sounds risky to me, but it depends how much you both really want this to keep going....

[on_the_rocks]

there was no agreement before we got exclusive. I wasn't seeing anyone else at the time and I didnt think she was either. like you said maby one or even two guys i could have dealt with but four is a stretch for me. She told me some of the guys she really didn't even like. I just don't understand why she wouldn't just spend time with me and not those guys. thanks for your coment

[TaraMaiden]

Even if you were to ask her, I'm not sure she'd be able to answer you, honestly or otherwise.

So do you both want to make this work?
Equally?
Are you both prepared to put in 100% effort to get past this?

[on_the_rocks]

she really wants to make this work a lot she cries and begs me to stick with the relationship. I love her too but I can't trust what she tells me and I find all this out after a year of being together. I told her last time if she lied again its over. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place I love her but I want to think rationally thats why im asking for advise.

[TaraMaiden]

well in that case, I hate to sound harsh, but you are the one holding you back.

if she has stated that she really wants to make this work - and it's a year down the road - then the one putting barriers, hurdles and objections up, and sabotaging this, is you.
you have to be as prepared to let go of the past, commit, and build up the trust as she is.
You are blocking you.
Nothing else.

Now, if you choose to hold on to the pain, mistrust and betrayal, you can't blame anyone but you if this goes AWOL, because she sounds serious and committed.

Why can't you let it go?
or more importantly - why are you holding on?

[on_the_rocks]

That could be the case. I Just found out yesterday that it was four other guys and not just one before we became exclusive. Im staying at a friends house right now until I can figure out what to do next. The thing that bothers me the most is the lies. I guess my barriers have been put there recently because I don't know where the lies will end. Once again thanks for your point of view its good to b able to get others opinions.

[TaraMaiden]

Then the question is - do you love her enough to make a go - Or does she love you enough to let you go?

[on_the_rocks]

Well I decided to give my girl another shot and im staying cautiously optimistic. Trying my best to let the past go and not let it hold us back (me back). I want to thank TaraMaiden for the replies it helped a lot.

[VictoryisMine]

She sounds exactly like a man i was so in love with years ago.

You cannot change a mental illness like this... cannot.

I went thru 8 years of that. I never regretted being in love with him, but wish my feelings of 'in love with him' ended a lot sooner.

Darlin' , don't let this go on. Leave her.

[Calendula]

Originally Posted by on_the_rocks

6 months later we decide to rent a house together. At this time I think our relationship is going really good and I loved her. One day after we move in together I got on her computer to get on the internet and the way her computer is set when you open the web browser it just goes strait to her email. Curiosity got the best of me and I started looking at her deleted e mails. I couldn't believe my eyes she was talking to some guy in a way you don't talk to guys when your with someone. They said things like " where you at tonight" and one even said " don't text me I don't want my boyfriend to be here and me have to explain everything lets just email". I was so hurt i confronted her about them and she said they where just friends but i knew that was a lie so i kept asking her and she first said they just hung out before we got exclusive and never had sex. I kept asking because it just didn't sound right then she admitted to having sex with him while we where going out but not exclusive and not after we became exclusive. I was able to get passed it although I have my suspicions. And I told her she doesn't need to talk to guys like that when she is with someone.

Four months later I still have my suspicions. So I tell her I know there is more to the story than she is telling me. well long story short she finally told me she was sleeping with four other guys besides me before we became exclusive. Although she didn't technically cheat Im having a hard time dealing with this. Plus the fact that she has lied to me throughout our relationship.

Should I give her ANOTHER chance? I love her a lot but it has been hard on me. Now I don't know what else she has lied to me about. should i cut my looses?

Not to sound harsh, but it sounds like you brought this onto yourself. What business did you have looking at her deleted e-mail messages? Sure the internet browser came up to her e-mail, but you had to choose to check her deleted messages and not just her inbox. That is being nosy and prying into her personal business. So what if she exchanges these e-mail messages with these guys - is she actively sleeping with them, and can you prove it?

It sounds like you have forced her to tell you things that she would rather have left in the past, and put her in the position where she felt she had to lie to you to try and protect your feelings. As the sexual ground rules didn't exist before you two became exclusive, she did nothing wrong, and what she did with her free time during that period was her own business, and not yours. So she happened to have four friends-with-benefits, what is the big deal? She quit having sex with them when you two became exclusive, and I'm guessing she didn't bring anything home (as far as an STD or anything) so how exactly has she hurt you (except perhaps your ego)? You are the one she ended up with and comes home to every night, so why should you feel like these guys are a threat to you and your relationship with this girl?

What it sounds like is that you've found out about it because you were being nosy, and you don't like what you uncovered.

I say give her the benefit of the doubt if you really love her and forget this whole thing. A year down the road it was all in the past anyway, so why let it ruin your future with this person you say you love?