[soheartbroken]

I just need to get this all out.

I have never felt this kind of pain before. I think about her every second of the day. We were together for 5 years (lived together for 4), broke up about 3 weeks ago. The pain is unbearable. There is nothing bad that I can say about her...we just conflicted, that's all. And that makes this so hard. I can't stop thinking about all the good memories...there are so many, even leading up to the breakup. I can't imagine a life without her. I see no light at the end of the tunnel.

I wasn't supportive enough, and let my temper get the best of me sometimes, so I'm dealing with guilt as well.

She is coping better than I am, and that is really hard. We still have contact, because we are finalizing moving and stuff. She dumped me. She said she would still return my phone calls. I sent her an email yesterday when our fish died, and she hasn't responded. It makes me incredibly sad and anxious; if we were together she would have responded. So obviously she does not feel the need to speak to me like I do with her. I used to be a priority and I'm not anymore. I am back to not eating anymore.

I thought I would keep our old apartment, it is so ideal in so many ways. But now I can't stand the thought of going back there (I'm staying with a friend right now, who leaves in 20 days). It makes me sick to be in the place, and I dread being there. I have to go back daily to feed the cat, and the thought of going there makes me sick. So I think I have to move.

I also was resolved to at least try going back to law school (I have one year under my belt), but I don't think I will be able to cope. Which makes me NOT want to lock into a 12 month lease at a new place, because part of me thinks that I will end up having to move home with my parents...the pain is so unbearable. I HATED school before the breakup, but she was my support, and I was just going to put my head down for two years and get the damn degree. Now I have lost my only source of support. She was there for me for everything.

So now I am not only devastated, but my whole life is up in the air. I hate that she has this power over me. I can't cope. She was my whole life. I feel that I should be starting a career soon, and I would hate to have this setback. But I didn't like the career path that I was on anyway...but the degree would be good to have.

I am so messed up. I just can't deal with this. I have so many decisions to make and I just can't make any. I want another chance with her, but I don't think there is any going back.

Just needed to get some of this off my chest.