BeSteady Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 After 3wks of my NC she emails me Yep she sent me an email to say "sorry and I really want to be friends, I ended the relationship in the worst way (yes she cheated)." Here is the question, I have evidence that she was messing with a third person around 4 months before the break up ( I found this out after the break up) Its a link with her posting a message about their night together. I want to just send her the link nothing more. I want to send it so she knows I know it all and if she is just say she made a mistake at the end I want to call her out, let her know the depth of her bullsh*t Or am I just feeding the beast by responding. Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 If it were me, I'd get a kick out of sending her the evidence that I knew all along. Buuuut the truth is, the bigger person would walk away without ever sending that. It's your call. Link to post Share on other sites
Beeotch Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 I'd send it Link to post Share on other sites
scienceguy Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Wow. I'd be pissed off that she even emailed you something totally lame like that. I'd expect something more like "I acting like a piece of sh^t by cheating on you and what I did was unforgivable...etc" Anyways, if I were you, I wouldn't send the link; it looks petty. Then again, I don't know the background story too. As everybody else will tell you, her wanting to be friends with is only something she wants to do to rid herself of any guilt. She'll crap on you when it's gone. Personally, I'd wait a couple days to respond (make her suffer a bit--if she texts you, then say something like "Hey, I got it. Kinda busy right now. Will respond in a couple days"). Then, she'll be expecting something, and you should write something kinda terse, like you got it, but don't feel comfortable being friends with her after she treated you, etc. Give her a little taste of her medicine. Sorry to sound evil, but yah, cheating is outrageous. Link to post Share on other sites
smookie Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 If I were you it would hurt not to send it, I smiled when I read your post only because i so would want to however sending it gives her to much attention.. She cheated on you, lied to you, in the end it must have hurt so much ... I sometimes am a person that loves silence my ex knows that he also knows that him not responding to me at all pisses me off... but he still will not... I did not cheat when I ended it. I was just tired of it... DO NOT SEND IT...IGNORE HER... SHE IS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME AT ALL!!! Why do ppl think that it is ok to say I am with this person however run around with others... makes me sick! There is never a reason to cheat.. You talk everything out, if she was having a problem with you she should have talked to you and told you listen this is serious I am no attracted to you at all!!!! then she should have went out and did whatever she wanted to. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 You can send it. Won't make you feel any better. You want to prove something to her? Ignore her completely, forever. I'm sorry, but cheaters may find forgiveness with me, but that does not mean I have to include them in my life. Whatever you decide, you can do better than her. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 thanks cali You're welcome. Just remember, you don't owe her anything. Link to post Share on other sites
smookie Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Thats what I am saying ... you owe her nothing ... show her nothing at all!!! You send this to her and it is showing that it is on your mind ... you send her nothing and it is showing her ....... NOTHING!!! you deserve nothing ..... why waste your time on her anymore ....? forget cheaters they always find something better .... ( ha ha ha ha ) NOT... it will eat her you not saying anything or replying in any way to her ... I do know and understand a bit about it. I think I posted like 10000 on here about my troubles in life... people on here taught me alot ... just takes a bit to get there .. Link to post Share on other sites
NightLord1 Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 I agree with Cali 100% not only did she completely disrespect you and what you had by e-mailing you (which is THE most impersonal way to communicate with someone) but she cheated on top of it. I wouldn't send the link because as you said it would "feed the beast" and it would show that it hurt you and that you gave a crap about it. Best thing to do is to not "reward" her in anyway by communicating with her and to completely ignore her even if she does contact. Just delete the e-mails, don't pick up the phone, don't respond to the texts, etc. Regards Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 I would get a kick out of showing it to her Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 You should send it an I don’t think you’re harsh. Just the opposite, you are too generous. Don’t be explaining away her behavior, she’s doing a good enough job herself… ”oops I made a mistake” as if “I tripped on a crack and some guy’s d*ck fell into me”. She is just trying to minimize her actions to make herself feel better. If I did that to the person I said I loved I couldn’t look myself in the mirror for a good long time and would find a good therapist ASAP before I even tried to start saying sorry. I would bet she’s still doing the guy and not thinking twice about. Link to post Share on other sites
edward-e Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 i would send that shi*t in a heartbeat, but am insensitive prick who cares about nobody but myself. that being said its prolly why im on this site hmmmm now im sad. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 I want to just send her the link nothing more. Send it to me, too. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 You and my ex might have that in common! (but at least you have some remorse) lol I think if I did send it, it would because I would be hoping to would lead to a open and honest conversation and the fact is she wouldn't do that when we were together and surely she wouldn't do it now. i can't decide if i want to marry you or kick your a$$ by the way how did you find the link? i might want to find some on my ex. Link to post Share on other sites
lorilynne Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 I believe some people need someone to put the mirror right in front of their face...so I'd send. That's just me. Yeah, you probably be the "bigger" person if you didn't send it but you know there's something to say about setting people that seem to enjoy being evil back a few steps. It's kinda heroic. That's just me! Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted August 8, 2009 Share Posted August 8, 2009 After 3wks of my NC she emails me Yep she sent me an email to say "sorry and I really want to be friends, I ended the relationship in the worst way (yes she cheated)." i think she sent it herself. When she said sorry for "ended the relationship in the worst way" she wasn't referring to the cheating but the fact that she is got caught. did she say sorry the for the previous times? no becouse she didn't have to face any guilt. sending you the link was her way of getting back at you for catching her and making her feel bad. remember if she chose to hurt you by cheating, she would be willing to hurt you in other ways to make herself feel better. your lucky she is out of your life Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted August 8, 2009 Share Posted August 8, 2009 Okay, read everything. Bare with me here. I suspected from her actions she had been through some kind of abuse/etc. at a point in her life and that is why she was acting the way she had, then you confirmed it. As someone who was sexually abused starting at the time I was in diapers, as well as being through physical and emotional abuse throughout my entire childhood and youth; I can relate to a lot of her actions. I have since confronted a lot of my personal demons and decided I needed to get some help; and I've never cheated on anyone or been very sexually active BUT; what she is exhibiting is very common and consisent with having been sexually abused or assaulted. That said; the partner I am with now. Oh lordy, he went through some REAL hell with me. I mean REAL HELL, when he first met me I was let's see..charming..funny..and hidden, deeply hidden under a mask. He didn't have an easy go with me for the first few months and it would of been understandable had he thrown his hands up and walked away. I broke his trust numerous times with lying. It's not that I'm completely full of **** and don't know how to tell the truth, but lying is a coping mechanism I'd learned from being abused; see it prevented me from ever being trully intimate with another person it ALSO served as a spoke in the wheel for me. I intentionally orchestrated and set up my relationships to fail from the start (in the past) because pain and suffering was what I was familiar with. I didn't like it, but I KNEW it, I knew how to SURVIVE it. I was stuck in a very destructive and dysfunctional cycle. She probably trully doesn't know the hurt she caused you, I know that I never understood the hurt I caused others until I'd gone to therapy and really applied it to my life. It wasn't because I was heartless and lacked compassion either, I've devoted a lot of my life to helping others and caring for people, but I'd learned very dysfunctional coping skills that never allowed me to live in relationships in a healthy way. I would see how they hurt me when they would leave me, I couldn't at the time realise my lying or other hijinks was painful and hurtful to them. To me? I was just doing what I needed to protect MYSELF, to keep others from HURTING me, and my romantic partners were always my NUMBER ONE threat. Now, that said; either you realise this isn't any way to live your life and you do something about it; or you go on for the rest of your life stuck in your own self destruction. Some get better, some NEVER will. If I hadn't worked as hard as I have to get healthy and break past everything I've been through, learned to be vulnerable, intimate, and in touch with my feelings. To be honest, and empathetic towards the pain my actions could cause; there is no way my partner would have or SHOULD have stayed with me. No one really deserves the destruction people like us will cause. It's sad for me to realise now the extent of what I have done; but to know I didn't really get it for so long. My partner loves me very much, but had I kept on that same road? He would of had to walk, and it would of been rightful of him to do. Abuse of any kind is a very scarring thing to live through. It changes us as people, it can marr our lives for as long as we go on living without recieving help. But, we need to get help, we need to heal. Just because something awful happened to us, doesn't mean ANYONE is entitled to stand by in our lives and let us tear them down to shreds. I am ALL for staying with a partner who genuinely seeks help and shows ACTION and CONSISTENCY that they are legitimate about the healing process; but anyone who is not there I don't reccomend staying with at all. They may never, ever reach that point. My best guess? Your ex sent that because she isn't aware what she's done to you. It hasn't registered to her. A simple I wish you the best, but no thankyou may suffice here. She is a wrecking ball right now, and you don't deserve to stand by and watch it happen. One day she may or she may NEVER realise she doesn't want to keep going down this road; but she's not there currently and you or any other person will never change that for her. It's time to let this one go. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted August 8, 2009 Share Posted August 8, 2009 Thanks, very wise and thoughtful and now I am very sad... Why sad? Not saying you shouldn't be..just trying to ask specifically why. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted August 8, 2009 Share Posted August 8, 2009 Because I feel deeply for the person. I really have not opened myself up to many and this one more then any . If you are accurate and my suspension you are, it is difficult to walk away, not try to want to help, she needs someone of quality in her life. It is not my nature to give up on someone who has made it into my heart. I also think its revealing somethings about myself...some of my earlier experiences... and possible why I choose to love the people I do...so it is all a bit intense. I understand you feel deeply for her, but she will tear you down being in her life. You want to believe she will get better and change because you project that onto her, the reality is she may NEVER. Don't get disillusioned by the thought of who she could be should she get help. Many, many people NEVER get help. They live life on auto pilot; there are people MUCH worse off than I was even at my worse. They litterally imitate emotions because they don't feel any of their own, they are so disconnected. I'm sure it's hard to walk away, but one of the worst things you can do is get eaten for breakfeast, and that's what you will do. This woman is not in a place in her life where she wants to change or sees the need for it, don't fool yourself into thinking that showing her care and love is going to break the spell. That happens in movies, it doesn't happen in real life. My partner's support has been the world and back to me; but I changed and got help because I wanted to, because I was ready too, because I knew I needed too. While his support did wonders for me, it was because I WAS READY to turn, without that; we wouldn't be where we are today. So, no one "loved me" into changing. Do you understand? People have tried, and it was to no avail. I realise that now looking back, I appreciate what they did for me and I'm remorseful for how I repaid them but they did no good, if anything they encouraged and enabled me to keep going down the wrong road. She's not where I was when I was ready to turn over a new leaf, you will not EVER get her there, and again; you believe she will change because you want to believe that. It's all in your head. You want to believe she's going to be a better person someday, you want to see her healed, and whole. Because you love her. For many, I mean a huge freakin number; they pass on and that day never came for them. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 I understand completely, it also means giving up things like anger, hurt, and hope and false hope (that she was ready) my ability to solve the world's problems and realizing it is good by...all of which leave sadness for awhile. It's still okay to be angry about what she did. Feel what comes as it may. Don't worry about justifying it, or stuffing it down. You have a right to every emotion that may arise from this, and allow yourself to feel ALL of them, that is what will help you heal. But yes, this hopefully has nipped false hope in the bud. It is goodbye yes, and it will be sad. But one day you're going to feel better about all of this. You really will, and you'll look back and know you did the right thing, by her by yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 There's no reason to at all, no. Just because you can see it clearly doesn't mean she will. It's very difficult for one to look at themselves so honestly, one will not like what they see at all. So, many just keep looking the other way. There is no healthy way for you to befriend her, no. It will keep a wound open for a very long, for you to do that. You will always be waiting for the blessed day she gets help. I am very serious when I say it may NEVER come. You wouldn't BELIEVE how few people ever get where I am. It's an incredibly low number. You need to move on and find a way to heal, and keeping one foot in the door will just prolong suffering. Also, it will send her the message that she can continue to manipulate you. She isn't going to see what you're doing is a kind act, she's going to say "ha ha, sucker". Not only are you not doing what's right for yourself by trying to befriend her, you won't be doing what's right for her either. Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 why would you want to be friends with her? did she come to you and say "i am sorry for the pain i caused. i am a liar and a cheater. i messed up not only the end but throughout the relationship. i have realized that I need to do some hard work on myself to understand why i would treat some one who loved me and who i love so poorly. thank you for how hard you tried and, hopeful some day i would be worth a love like yours. in the mean time I am going give up meaningless sex and to find a good therapist to help me heal. i want to become a person who understands the real connection that comes for emotional intimacy and understand my fear that keeps me from it" no? because that would be hard and people like her go for the quick fixes, easy distractions and selfish sex to make themselves feel better. they can not be honest with themselves, let alone anyone else. as hope2heal said only the few courageous ones chooses the hard over the easy. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 BeSteady, how are you doing tonight? Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 Thanks for asking. Actually pretty good. Over the last few weeks, I been doing some of my own hard work and its paying off (and your "Tuff Compassion" was very helpful). Not to say that there still not moments but if there still wasn't a few at this point, I don't think I would want to be that person. I think a positive of the process is the realizing the depth within yourself. By the way do you ever sleep? Yeah that's right. It's always okay to miss someone and mourn them. Even if they were the biggest, not right jerk in the universe. It's perfectly okay to feel sad and mourn the loss. Do I ever sleep? You wouldn't think it these last few days, would you! LOL. I do a lot of writing work on my pc and I like to check in with LS, it helps keep my mind "fresh" if you will, and it also keeps my butt glued in. I have adhd and I don't use legal drugs to treat it, so I do what I can through cognitive therapy and other little "tricks" to keep me on task. LS is a great way to stay at my computer and keep my imagination fueled and mind working . It's also the weekend though so, I will have to be much less present during the week now and on a more normal schedule! Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 I went out a purchased some good cookware. I guess I am re-nesting. Not that I much of a cook but now I have a reason to learn. I acturally enjoyed mashing up some grub tonight... some steamed vegies, a nice steak and corn on the cob (a good old fashion Midwest meal). Q: How many people with ADHD does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Wanna go ride a bike? I know how to make a most killer steak. LOL@your joke, yeah that's about it sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
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