[Mariat]

Hi,

I'm just a 21 year old boy who still didnt't even get a simple kiss from any girl. I surely am not ugly, nor a nerd or whatsoever. The problem is - normally quite selfconfident - when it comes to talk to a girl who seems fine to me, I'm too timid and shy. But that's not the only problem; there sure are lot of advices for situations like I just described, however there seems to be a dilema in every of it; first they're telling you how and what you need to do, but then it also tells you: "Be yourself."
Great... How can I be myself, when I follow those "rules"/tips, when it's not me at all?

Do you think you can help me?

[boogieboy]

You have to play the numbers. You have to go up to girls and say "hi" and then have alot of interesting things to tell her. Thats it. If youre interesting, you can keep her interest and still be yourself.

[Mariat]

yeah... that would work... apart from the problem even go to her and say "hi" -_-
I mean; I've lot of hobbies and interests and normaly I have no problems talking to people about anything, but when it comes to the point my brain's just a mess.

[norajane]

If you like yourself - and you say that you do, have self-confidence, etc. - then you don't and shouldn't change anything.

You just need to PRACTICE. You didn't become good at your hobbies and whatnot by being afraid to try it, did you? Nope - you actually worked on your hobby or skill and became good at it.

Girls are the same thing. Keep practicing - make yourself say hello to new girls every day, whether you are interested in them or not. Say hello and make small talk with the girl at the coffee counter, say hello to people you pass on the street, say hello. Talk to girls everywhere you go. Eventually, it won't seem so hard to strike up a real conversation and ask one out.

But you can't sit back and expect it to happen if you don't do it. Maybe you get tongue-tied at first, but eventually, all that practice will pay off.

[Mariat]

Thanx for your tip... I would may try that, boz doesn't it make me look like.. you know... a male-whore? And other thing; there are not so many girls I'm really interested to - like I really hate the idea to date an "average" girl with "normal" personality just to experience what is it like having a girlfriend...'s just not me.
Also I'm really angry at myself, because I missed so many chances and didn't really ask those few girls I've met, who I really was interested in...

[norajane]

You think saying hello and talking to girls makes you a whore?

[Mariat]

Originally Posted by norajane

You think saying hello and talking to girls makes you a whore?

Well... when it's a girl I have nothing in common right from the first look and am not really interested to talk to her - yes, i think so.
Am I wrong?

And I don't know how is it in the States or where you live, but here in Austria... it's like: what shall I say to some girl I like. You just don't say "Hello, how are you." because somehow it's obvious for the girl you want something from her and she gets defensive, so I think. How am I supossed even start some conversation... and about what? ("Ehm.. aah - nice weather today, isn't it?" -_-)

[norajane]

Yes, you're wrong. Saying hello is friendly. It does not mean anything but hello.

And by judging people from the first look without getting to know them only means you will never actually meet anyone with whom you do have things in common. You'll never know if you have anything in common just by looking at her.

Looking at her only tells you if you think she's pretty on first glance. Which tells you nothing about how pretty or ugly she is on the inside, or whether you might become attracted to her because she loves to do the same things you do and has a wicked sense of humor and what she looks like when she's all dressed up.

So if you only say hello and have conversations with the girls who you think are pretty on first glance, then your odds of developing a real relationship are pretty slim.

[Mariat]

Ay, but it's like... I know it's not right to judge the persons by them look, however I personally can say a lot of them/of their way of living by the clothes, gestures and finally behaviour with the enviroment. (and mostly I'm proven right). And here are many of girls which really atract me also by them apperiance, however... you know; I'm just too shy and timid to say even a "piep"

[norajane]

That's where the practicing comes in. If you practice saying hello to everybody, it wont' seem so hard to say hello to a girl you're interested in.

People here are always asking how to learn to flirt. And I always tell them you have to practice. Natural flirts, people who find it easy, are people who flirt with everybody. They flirt with men, women, children, taxi drivers, cashiers, the toll booth operator...it's just a smile and a look in their eyes and it's a friendliness and openness that draws people, not sexual.

That's what I'm suggesting - that you practice being open and friendly by opening your mouth, saying hello, and smiling. It doesn't cost anything, and it doesn't have to lead to anything. But you'll see that it becomes easier over time, and you'll see that people respond well to a friendly hello and you won't be so afraid to do it when it's a girl you like.

[Mariat]

I guess youre right: I need some more contacts with girls, however I don't like the idea of "flirting". It's just; if there really is a girl i like and am atracted to, i don't wonna stay speechless...

[Mariat]

I mean if there are some tips, with those I don't need to change myself or playing some game on others...

[Lucky_One]

I think you have gotten the best tip of all. Practice starting conversations with anyone, but mainly women.

My son has just started dating (mid-teens). I gave him a piece of advice the other night before he walked to a neighbor's house to walk a girl to the 7:00 movie. "Have 5 topics of conversation in your mind before you knock on the door." 1. Hey, I like that shirt. The color looks pretty on you. Where did you get it? 2. I was thinking of joining the next sailing class; do you sail at all? 3. What do you think of the new principal at school? 4. If your parents were going to get you a new car for your 16th birthday, what would you get? 5. Is that your cat? What's its name? Ever see kittens being born? There isn't much worse than sitting together, with both of you too nervous to say a word, in a vacuum of silence on a first date!

Saying hi and smiling at someone doesn't even come CLOSE to making you a man-whore! It does, however, make you a friendly and more approachable person. Comment on someone's smile, or their sweater, or their car, or the dog they are walking.

Practice practice practice! Start with little old ladies - they love the attention, and they are guaranteed to respond and keep the conversation going! Sometimes they are lonely, too, and you will brighten their day by giving them some much-wanted attention.

[Mariat]

Thanks a lot for your advices.
Yea, I'm very good with the old/or mature ladies. I allways hear saying them nice things and sometimes even more (which frekas me out a little), however I'm not interested at all.
I think I hate the Idea being refused by a girl I really like, allthough I tried it. I think I would be then like: "Great, now I've put all my guts to talk to you, and all you can say is:no?"

Also I may stutter, when I'm talking to an attractive girl -_-

[norajane]

Do you like dogs? Borrow one from a friend every now and then, and walk him on a leash, while you are practicing your skills at saying hello. Lots of girls love dogs, they'll smile at the dog, smile at you, and it's easy to start conversations about the cute dog.

I think I hate the Idea being refused by a girl I really like, allthough I tried it. I think I would be then like: "Great, now I've put all my guts to talk to you, and all you can say is:no?"

Says no to what?

And who cares if she says no? You said you've already tried it, and been rejected. And you lived to tell the tale. Rejection is part of life, and it's not the worst thing in the world.