Here's the deal. I'm a 39 year old male. I've dated women all of my life, and feel comfortable with them in an emotional, romantic setting. However, I have had some sexual experiences with men and enjoyed them. Actually, the sexual experiences with men seem to be easier and more fun (we didn't have "sex", just lots of what comes before it).
I've always had the belief that very few people are 100% gay or straight, and the majority are in the middle. But here's my problem: I'm at a point in my life where I'd like to settle down. To me, it seems natural to settle down with a woman. However, I know these sexual desires for men will probably not subside. I would say that I've had two true loves in my life: an ex-girlfriend and one of my best male friends. The male friend (who is closeted gay) and I only had brief sexual encounters 9 years ago when we first met. That stopped after a year, and we've been good friends since. But I think I've fallen for him (he doesn't feel the same and is now dating someone else).
Has anyone been in this predicament? If so, I'd love to hear your story. I'm trying to figure out what I should do.
You are very smart to be resolving this question before you settle down. I am primarily interested in and fall in love with women. I have also always been sexually attracted to men. I had plenty of opportunity to try both before I was married but I also thought people generally liked both and that most ended up choosing the opposite sex. In the 70s I didnt really think I had any choice.
My ideal situation would be a loving wife who I could spend the rest of my days with and a male friend with benefits. The problem is I didnt accept my same sex attraction in myself until I was 53 years old and had been married for many years. I now accept that I am a bisexual and my wife and I have worked out how this is going to work. I could have saved us all a lot of hassle if I had just accepted my bisexuality right from day one
In short do not deny who you are to yourself or anyone else. When you settle down do yourself a favor and do it with the understanding you have this other aspect of yourself. With the right understanding person it can work and you will save yourself a lot of aggravation.
It is possible to be in a long term relationship ie married and have attraction to both sexes but its a lot easier if its done with lots of honest open communication right from the beginning.
Good luck.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LevelHeaded
Here's the deal. I'm a 39 year old male. I've dated women all of my life, and feel comfortable with them in an emotional, romantic setting. However, I have had some sexual experiences with men and enjoyed them. Actually, the sexual experiences with men seem to be easier and more fun (we didn't have "sex", just lots of what comes before it).
I've always had the belief that very few people are 100% gay or straight, and the majority are in the middle. But here's my problem: I'm at a point in my life where I'd like to settle down. To me, it seems natural to settle down with a woman. However, I know these sexual desires for men will probably not subside. I would say that I've had two true loves in my life: an ex-girlfriend and one of my best male friends. The male friend (who is closeted gay) and I only had brief sexual encounters 9 years ago when we first met. That stopped after a year, and we've been good friends since. But I think I've fallen for him (he doesn't feel the same and is now dating someone else).
Has anyone been in this predicament? If so, I'd love to hear your story. I'm trying to figure out what I should do.
Thanks, capecreative, it's good to hear someone else who's been through something similar. Surely we can't be the only ones. Has anyone ever been at the crossroads like this where you felt like you had to pick one sex or the other to be with?
There's only one guy that I can picture myself living with, emotional with, etc. Unfortunately, he's emotional unavailable (he's the guy I mentioned in the first post). Other than him, I can only picture a woman. But yes, sexually, I'm interested in both, for different reasons.
You actually sound like you're being wise. The one guy is saying "do not abandon/deny that aspect of yourself for anyone." But think about this:
I have no gay or bi inclinations at all. BUT. But I do have an orientation that is totally at odds with settling down, and it is an aspect of myself that I absolutely had to abandon and still have to abandon every day. What is it? I like women and girls. All of them. MY perfect scenario is to have my wife plus a cast of five or six friends-with-benefits rotating through our bed.
Whether they are men or women, I see no difference. Unless you think you can settle down for life in a nice MMF threesome, you'll have to lay aside one of those sexes, and millions of other potential lovers besides.
I assume you have an equal capacity for love and self-sacrifice that I have. Sacrifice won't kill you, it is the essence of love. And love makes life bloom.
Brace yourself, 'cause you'll still want to pop that thang (male or female) after you've committed to the other thang. But that's not a bisexual dilemma, that's just part of being a grown up. So don't sweat it, just live it.
__________________
"Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, I will go to the mountain of myrrh and to the mound of incense. All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you."
- Song of Solomon
Having seen a similar situation up close, what you SHOULDN'T do is marry a woman and hope it all works out. Even if you decide to commit to someone in marriage, that person deserves full disclosure of what your intentions are and might be in the future. Perhaps there is a female version of yourself that would be willing to give some freedoms in exchange for receiving same?
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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