[ashleybandit]

Hey, does anyone know if a guy uses prostitutes regularly in the past, it means that he will continue to?

I was dating this guy, and I slept with him recently. I started freaking out when I thought that he was surfing dating websites. I was angry about that. So I confronted him. He said he wasn't surfing the websites to look for anyone else. So I ask him if there is anything else he needed to tell me about his past that I would want to know about.

So, he confesses that he has been using prostitutes regularly for the last 2 years, almost every month (20 women!!) but that he has been "safe" (allegedly). He said that he stopped using them when he met me almost 3 months ago.

I am definitely going to get tested tomorrow.

But he said that he hasn't been with anyone else but me since he met me. I don't know, and I don't know. Does anyone think that there is something wrong with this picture? Do you think this is as disgusting as I think it is?

I mean, to his credit, he did, after all, confess this to me on his own and voluntarily. He said he wishes/he wants something serious with me, and is afraid he has ruined things by revealing his past. I don't know. it is just too gross to contemplate. But I like him alot. Being with him comforts me, and I look forward to hearing his voice every night. he is nice, patient, and kind. he has always been so proper and patient and caring with me. but i can't deal with his past!! would you be able to deal with it? Don't you think his past is a good indicator of his moral (lack of) compass? And that the past is a reflection of his future?

And he also told me has been on anti-depression medication for the last 4 years. He also has parents that have had a horrid marriage where his dad cheated on his mom and had other kids outside the marriage, but still refuses to divorce her b/c he wants access to her money (the dad is a psychiatrist! why would he need someone else's money!??).

He obviously isn't marriage material.

You know what is sad? This guy went to MIT undergrad and has a grad school degree in Comp Sci. He is also kinda dorky. You would think that he would be a nice guy. He obviously isn't.

I guess you never know, huh?

[Tony T]

You should be flattered.

Single men who use prostitutes over a long period of time usually do so because they aren't interested in devoting the time and energy into finding a relationship. Now, some do so because they are cold natured and simply not able or willing to devote the emotional energy to a woman. Using a prostitute bypasses a lot of steps.

If you decide to pursue this guy, you will find out in time exactly what it was about his personality or that part of his life that drove him to sex with individuals with which he had no emotional ties.

I would not judge him either way for using prositutes. It's a very honest business deal...one of the most honest in the world. The guy gives money and gets screwed in return. In the dating world, lots of time the screwing you get is not worth the screwing you get. With prostitutes, it's a business deal where both get reasonably what they set out to get....except it's illegal in most places except Las Vegas.

The only thing you should be concerned about is disease. Insist that he be tested and that you see the report. From there, just keep an eye on how he manages his emotions and see if he has the ability to give to you in that regard to the extent that your needs are satisfied.

I think you should give him ten extra points for honesty...then take away 50 points for being stupid enough to get involved in something like this and tell about it.

[ashleybandit]

take away points for getting involved in prostitution? or take away points for telling me?

i would give him a few points for telling me (because it means he wants to be honest with me). I take away LOTS OF point for doing something like prostitution.

I told him that his "transaction" cheapened the fact that we had sex, and I totally now regret ever exposing myself physically and emotionally. I told him that I don't think he is capable of valueing sex and making sex meaningful because he has already cheapened it and debased himself.

He told me the last time he had a prostitute was a few weeks before we met. What if he wasn't able to meet any women b/c he is such a dork, and *that* was the reason he used prostitutes? He said that he couldn't meet any women, so he was frustrated, so he called the service up late at night. And that he was curious and wanted the excitement. It was b/c he couldnt meet anyone who wanted to date him because he was pathetic enough to use them for over 1.5 years EVERY MONTH until he met me 3 months ago!!!!!!!! I mean, what does that say about me? ugh! I am with a guy who uses prostitutes b/c he can't find a date!!

I think men who use prostitues and look at porn objectify women and do not think of women the way I want to be seen. I think he crossed the line when he used them. he is 28, he is not a young little kid without life experience.

I mean, he described the transaction to me. You tell me if this is normal:

1. late at night, he goes out drinking and comes home not having met anyone-- again
2. he calls the service
3. an hour later, the service is there
4. he pays her $200
5. she spends about 10 minutes getting undressed, chit chatting
6. they have sex for 20 minutes or thereabouts
7. she spends another 10 miinutes getting dressed

And the whole thing lasts 45 minutes, door to door. and the sex lasts 20 minutes, if at most. No hugging, no holding, nothing to make it sweet or nice or special. I mean, what's the point? Why doesn't he just use his left (or right) hand? Why not a blow up doll?

Is that how prostitution works? How many "single" men use this service? I don't think I have known ANYONE to have confessed this to me in my 31 years of age (ok, call me naive, or maybe all my friends are nice goody goodies).

Can you please explain further WHY men are this way, and if it means they are incapable of anything more substantive and long term? Because that is how I read it-- men who look at porn and use prostitutes think of women as sexual object and are more able to objectify women and devalue sex, and that is why I will probably go back to my ex boyfriend.

My ex is an amazing person... he just won't marry me. He would NEVER use a prostitute, he would never cheat. he is actually perfect. but wouldn't marry me. So I started dating this new guy a few months ago who turns out to be a sexual deviant!!!

I tend to date dorky guys because somehow I think they are "nicer" and "safer". I am obviously WRONG>

[Tony T]

If his past history with prostitutes bothers you to a great extent, I would just find another guy rather than go back with an ex who won't make a committment you desire.

The majority of men don't use prostitutes but the majority of men DO look at women, at least in a tiny part, in a sexual way at some point or another. That's mostly because most men don't enjoy having sex with other men or with themselves. Women are the most convenient and attractive creatures for that purpose. It was nature's intent for it to be that way.

Don't give up on men. You just picked one in a great minority. Don't judge all men by him. But if you want to marry and have children, there are lots out there. Going back to an ex who didn't meet your needs is not the way to solve this problem.

Why this man used prostitutes is not for you to research or be troubled about. He did, he was honest about it and now you can move on. It seems the reason he used them was because he's lazy and it was a lot easier for him to get a call girl on the phone at will than to go out and find a nice lady to charm.

[HokeyReligions]

I don't know. The IT guy at my last job, and who I consider a friend - we do stuff after work hours - is the nicest guy but I would describe him as a diamond in the rough. He didn't have the greatest parents, but he believes in family and marriage and as he matures he is thinking more about settling down someday. He's 28 now and still not ready for marriage, but he would like a serious relationship. However, he sees himself as physically unattractive and is very immature about relationships and scared of them. He has admitted that he uses prostitutes on a fairly regular basis, but I am sure if he had a relationship and all that comes with it, he wouldn't feel he needs prostitutes anymore and I believe if he makes a commitment he will keep it.

Oh, when I said we "do stuff" I mean we go to museums in groups, and he's been over to the house and is friends with my husband too. He did used to have a crush on me, and he thought seriously about trying to establish a relationship with me, but couldn't do it because I'm married and he just wouldn't do that - but he said (& I believe him) that during the whole time he had the crush on me he did not see any prostitutes. The tension built up enough that he actually made a pass at me once and I bluntly told him to get over it and go "buy some", which he did and our friendship got back to normal.

I think everyone is different and maybe this guy is okay -- only you can judge for yourself. If you can't get past it though, then move on. No need to put yourself through the emotional turmoil and like Tony said, that doesn't mean you have to go back to your ex.

------

Yes, I know -- I am a contradiction. In another post I said I thought virginity was best lost on the wedding night, and here I am telling some guy to go to a hooker. But these are different situations. I believe a person has a right to do what they want with their bodies, but I don't believe in abortion either.

I keep my husband on his toes all right!

[Debster]

I'm curious, before you found out about the prostitutes, what did you think about him and your relationship?

Seems to me that since you found out, all of a sudden you're describing him as a "dork", "pathetic", "Can't find a date".

I do think you're acting a little too high and mighty about this. Granted, I wouldn't be too pleased about it either, but this guy TOLD you (and he didn't have to). The only thing this should mean to you is to get both him and yourself tested. Your connecting him using prostitutes to your comment about him not being able to value sex and making sex meaningful is incredibly farfetched. There is a difference between getting your rocks off and having sex/making love with someone you care about.

If I was him, I'd regret ever being honest with you and I wouldn't want to open myself up to you again. Clearly you've shown you can't (or won't) be understanding and accepting of other peoples past experiences.

By the way, thinking about going back to your ex because of this, shows you as being afraid to be alone. Stop settling and find someone you can accept and love and who will love, accept and marry you in return.

However, that would mean he would need to accept you warts and all, and vice-versa. Are you ready to do that?

[Ally Boo]

There really isn't all that much difference in him picking up some chick from the club, and calling for a prostitute.

I mean, ok he pays the hooker $200, but if he met a girl at the club, wouldn't he be paying for her drinks? He'd be spending money on her anyway...and the intention would be about the same. Just screw and send her on her way...or vice versa. And then getting her number to call her if he wanted it again.

I think Tony is onto something. I mean, at least both parties knew going into it that it was nothing but sex. How many guys try to pick up girls at the club and say "Oh well, you know, I'm just horny, and we need to get it on."

So really, him using a prostitute is almost better...because there is no confusion as to what is going on and what the intentions are. If you can accept a guy who does one night stands, you can accept this guy. I think you are looking at it the wrong way. And Debster is TOTALLY right. He didn't HAVE to tell you that. In fact, I think VERY few guys would admit that.

[Tony T]

Well said!!!

[quankanne]

you need to dump this guy, and quick. Not just because he's professed to paying for sex and you're unhappy about that, but more especially because you sound like you're still hung up on your "perfect" ex. Nothing the ho-loving dork you're dating can do is ever going to be good enough simply because he's NOT your ex.

it's kind of gross that a man would pay for sex, but in all fairness, if it bugs you that much, you need to know the real reason WHY he purchased it should you decide to further your relationship with him. You said he's dorky ... my guess is that he didn't feel confident to find a girlfriend, rather than him being a paid-sex junkie. However, I don't know all sides of the story so chances are, I'm wrong.

[ashleybandit]

yes, he is dorky. I thought he was when we first met. My girlfriend was adamant that I not consider him b/c he was too"dorky". Another guy at work who is at the same company LAUGHED when I told him that I was considering this prostitute-loving guy-- he said "you, him?? ha ha ha! you can do much better, i know you like dorky guys, but this is pushing it. no way, don't do it"

Need I say more about whether there is a consensus that he is dorky prior to my finding out he uses prostitutes? So, prior to finding out the prositutes, I was battling over whether he was too dorky for me to date in public.

About one night stands: I actually find it HORRIBLE when men have one night stands, as well. I think men who have regular one night stands are also debasing sex and trying to get it where they can. I think men who do that do not value sex and they, likewise, objectify women to an extent. If I knew a guy who regularly participated in one night stands, I would not want to be with him either. Honestly!

However, to me, it is different between one night stands and prostitution (but only MARGINALLY different). At least in a one night stand, you hold the person and wake up in the morning with them, and you kiss and cuddle. You can have the fantasy that this is something more meaningful. The prostitution is purely a clinical way of having sex with NOTHING--- using these prostitutes is a means of demeaning sex to the point of making it some sort of illicit, unemotional and deviant quick transaction. This guy couldn't even get one night stands and went for the prostitute. What does this say for his extreme lack fo self esteem? And why would I want to subject myself to someone who *obviously* has all these issues? Why would he debase himself to use prostitutes, and use these prostitutes, as well. I get the feeling he doesn't think he did anything wrong except for worrying that he will lose me as a result of it.

Here's a thought: maybe he wants me to leave him and that's why he told me?? that is an interesting alternative!

And this guy might be the same guy as the IT guy in your last job. The profile fits-- he is in IT consulting as well. Then again, this guy told me that lots of guys at his company also use prostitutes. What is this, and IT consulting thing?? And I used to work there, and I knew some of these guys. Seriously, if you weren't married (I am talking to the woman referring to having a husband) would you *seriously* be ok dating this guy????

Yes, I probably should find another guy. I am just shocked, absolutely shocked, when I found out about this prostitution thing. My ex would never. Just never. Yes, I need to get over the ex, I need to move on, but it's just so sad that I go from not giving me what I want to a complete loser slut with no self esteem.

If this guy was honest PRIOR to our sleeping together, and told me everything, you know what? Maybe I would have forgiven him and taken more care and more time to figure things out. The thing is, he wasn't honest until AFTERWARDS and even then he only confessed EVERYTHING after I confronted him and asked him UPFRONT whether he used a prositute in Hon Kong.

He had told me in June, he went to Hong Kong with a co-worker and he had sex there. I asked him if it was a Chinese girl, I don't know why I asked that. He said she was Fillipino. I suspected that she was a prostitute because many of the prostitutes in East Asia are southeast asian. I know a lot about the Chinese modern day culture. So yesterday, I asked him "was the girl you were with in June a prostitute? Is there anything that I would want to know about your history that you are not telling me?"

Prior to confessing his prostitution use, he had told me he had only slept with 2 people in the last 3 years when were were discussion our sexual "history". He said he was tested after sleeping with someone in Hong Kong because he didn't know her and was worried. He said he didn't sleep with anyone after that since, and he should be safe.

See, he lied. Does that change all your minds now??

[Ally Boo]

Yeah that changes things. So actually, the prosititution isn't the problem, its his lack of honesty is the problem. I've learned that it doesn't get better. Go ahead and get out.

[Debster]

Wow, you like to fling around the saying that this and that debase sex and that men don't value sex. So you think it's horrible that someone has had a one night stand too. My god - good luck finding someone who can live up to your standards and is 'safe'. Oh yeah.... there's the ex lurking in the background. Did you ask him the same twenty questions? I would, cause you never know what dirty little secrets he's hiding to make him lose his 'perfect' edge and to make you turn on him.

Next time, don't ask questions you don't want the answers too. You don't need to go into all the nitty gritty about someone's past sex life, as long as you make sure you protect yourself.

And why would you have sex with someone who you're still trying to figure out if they are too dorky to be seen in public!! That's almost like YOU don't value sex!!

[quankanne]

hate to be a party-pooper, but again, it goes back to his reason or need to have had paid sex. If you are seriously contemplating a relationship with him, you need to consider it. If you're just pissed at him, do what you need to have done to make sure your health hasn't been affected, then go from there. Hanging on to resentment isn't going to do you any good, but consider it a learning experience.

As for your former boyfriend "never, just never" doing something like what the geeky guy did, don't be so sure about him. People engage in sex for so many different reasons, even, including your ex-boyfriend. I guarantee, if you are in the right frame of mind (horny enough or needy enough) you will seriously consider a meaningless fling, whether you pay $200 for it or you find it in a coffee shop or bar in the form of a one-night stand. When you *need* to have it, you often don't stop to think about it, you just try to fill that need.

like I said, chalk it up to a learning experience instead of becoming bitter about it. He wasn't the first person to pay for sex, nor will he be the last, and chances are, you're going to encounter many people in your life time who do stuff like this, whether they tell you about it or not!

[Sketchy]

I strongly disagree with prostitution! Tony raises a good point however. It's a business deal. All parties go into it knowingly. This does NOT make it a good thing by any means.

One-night stands are actually different and could be considered even worse. (Although, I've engaged in some myself). Example. Guy meets girl, girl likes guy but guy is only horny. He's going to paint the picture of relationship and girl bites. They have sex, guy gets off... girl is excited she found a BF... but guy never calls again. Granted it does not always go that way... sometimes guys or girls will be blunt about it in which case… both parties go into it knowingly with out the exchange of money.

Had I been in your shoes... I'd be freaking out that I got an STD. I do not suggest going to get checked RIGHT AWAY as it can take some time for STDs to surface and be detected. If you go get checked 1-2 days after the sex... and you DO have something... chances are it won't be found at that visit and you'll be walking around thinking you are clean when you may not be. Give it anywhere from 1-3 months... unless you notice something out of the ordinary. Or go now for peace of mind but back in 1-3 months.

As for how you are reacting... well, this is his life. If he felt he was doing something wrong then obviously he would not continue doing it.

You talk about debasing sex... I understand you POV. However, you can say that masturbation would debase sex, because there are no feelings it's being done for the sole reason of getting off. He has not used woman. (Like I said, I'm totally against paying for sex) He paid them, he did not pretend to be something, or promise them anything. This is THEIR job, this is what they get paid for, and this is THEIR decision. Be it right or wrong... there is NO using! She is being paid to provide a service. now, if they had sex or of the like, he got off and did not pay her and walked away... yes he would be using her.

Perhaps he’s a bit on the freaky side and the only girl who will allow him to live his fantasy is a hooker. Not my life, not your life.

As for your reaction... well, you can't force your opinion on him (you can try, but it’s not going to work), nor can he force his on you. You'll need to agree to disagree on this one. He thinks it fine, you think it's wrong. Both of you are entitled to your very own opinion.

Seeing as how you have such strong disagreements with his actions... I'd suggest leaving the relationship as this guy is not for you (sounds like you already have).

You can’t be mad at him for his past… however, you have a very valid point with regards to him lying to you as that right there is potentially endangering your life. As well the information, or lack there of, he provided you put you in a position of making an uneducated decision, which is a legitimate gripe.

Don’t bother wasting your time trying to make him see that sleeping with a hooker is wrong… cause it’s not going to happen. You can however let him know that any future girlfriends are entitled to this information (for safety’s sake) PRIOR to sleeping with him, as there are STDs that can be spread regardless of using condoms.

It seems you’ve made up your mind to ditch this guy… so just walk away. It’s a waste of time and energy to beat a dead horse. I wish you the best.

[ashleybandit]

I already have an appointment for February 4th, the earliest appointment I can get. Yes, I am walking around right now not knowing if I have an STD. Trust me, I am not about to go and be with someone else in the meantime. No way. It also takes me months to sleep with someone, so it's back to the old drawing board.

He claims he just got tested yesterday, and will find out the results tomorrow. I don't know if he is LYING out of his ass, or what, because I asked if they used a q-tip, he said no. I told him that you cannot find out if you have the bacteria STD's without the q-tip method.

So I am going in for *everything*. Except HIV, which I will have to get tested for in 6 months. I am even getting the blood test for Herpes-- I know, I know, for those in the know, the Herpes blood test cannot distinguish between simplex 1 and simplex 2. All I know is that as of 1.5 years ago, I was as clean as a whistle, and even had the Herpes test. Never had a cold sore on my mounth, this means...

The funny thing is, I was with this guy for three months. Did a lot of hugging and some kissing, but it was only this past weekend that we had "sex" but we never actually went through with it completely. Basically, in the middle of the sex, we decided that we didn't want to go through with it completely, and we never "consummated" the deal. He pulled out, we continued to kiss.

Yes, I am worried I have an STD. I cannot wait 1-3 months because it would drive me crazy. I am insisting that he get me a copy of HIS STD report, as well. Hard copy, I mean. I don't trust him.

What's sad is that I miss him, and I know I can never be with him. All we had was that 1 time this past weekend, and it wasn't even a complete sexual experience. Isn't that kinda ironic? I wish he had never used prostitutes because I really liked him, and I am sad that he basically ruined things by: lying to me about his past and coming clean with me afterwards (he said that he was going to get tested and then we would sleep together but this weekend took him by surprise because he expected us to wait a lot longer-- this means he could have continued to live his lie!!)

And to all of you who say my ex probably did things that I did not know about-- no way. With this new guy, I was very distrustful, and was always questioning him (which is how I found out about the prostitution in the first place). With my ex-- I was with him for 4 years, and given my distrustful nature, I know he never, ever went to a prostitute. He never used women. He doesn't have a bad bone in his body. His integrity is impeccable. He may have had a once night stand 10 years ago while he was in college-- maybe-- but it was with a friend from high school. He went to a strip club once just to check it out about 5-6 years ago and said it was stupid. He is an amazing person. Honest, and wonderful. Simply amazing. Smartest guy I've ever met, too. He had it all. Ok, enough hero worshipping for the moment.

PS-- I am the type to beat up on a dead horse till I figure out all the angles and then I am done with it. It stinks sometimes because I waste a lot of time trying to figure it out. i tend to mull over things till it's been seen from every angle possible. Must be the attorney in me??