[way_2_tired]

Hey everyone!
I'm the oldest of five children, with the three youngest still living at home. My parents are married and both of them work, but they are having difficulty with "making ends meet".
They have been struggling for about 7 years now, as my dad has spent a significant amount of time unemployed as the manufacturing plants keep laying off.

I was selfish when i was still at home and used my income towards saving for college only, rather then helping them out. (my little sis helps out with her after school job)
After I moved out for under grad I did help as much as I could, loaning them my savings, and buying them what groceries I could, but it was never very much as I paid my tuition first.
Now I'm a medical student, and I don't have an income, just loan money. I have given them what I could but it's not much.

I struggle with how much to give them for a few reasons.
1. I don't have money for recreation and I don't own much.
2. I'm headed for a career of service as a doc in West Africa and I would like to use my little extra money towards the clinic I'm helping to start.
3. half their problem is a lack of money granted, but half is a mismanagement of the money they do have. I feel like I'm throwing thimbles full of water on a forest fire.

I love them so much. I try to help as needed without judgement. Does anybody else struggle with this? With how much to help the family versus how much to plan towards your own future?

[Ronni_W]

Finding the balance between giving and receiving is difficult.
And more so for individuals, like yourself, who are called to being of service!

There is an article, "pitfalls on the way to becoming a healer", that you may find useful. Search it at SpiritLibrary.com -- it is of a spiritual nature/source, which isn't for everyone. (There are also others about healers needing to be self-loving and self-nurturing, but I don't know the titles offhand.)

For your parents. It sounds as if you are doing more than what you reasonably can or ought to be expected of you. Unfortunately, this is also part of what is keeping them stuck in the problem of their own creation and lack of learning any better money management skills. It is you enabling them.

If you wish, you can help them with the solution -- but it's not your responsibility: Find out what credit counseling services are available in their community, and give them the list. Sometimes there are workshops at libraries, service clubs, faith-based organizations, etc. You could also check on-line if there are any household budget articles, templates, etc. I don't know what the banks are doing now, but in the "olden days" they were also a resource for this type of thing.

When you give them the list, explain pretty much how you've done here. Tell them you love them enough to "teach them how to fish", but it is their free will choice whether they're going to learn to fish or not.
Regardless, you also love yourself enough to not take responsibility for the consequences of others' choices, you've also been finding it financially difficult, and are unable to contribute to their household any longer. It is absolutely no reflection on how much you love them and appreciate all that they've done for you and what they've had to endure.

I know it's way easy to type, and a lot harder to actually do.
Sending hugs, and best wishes to all of you -- and good luck with your studies and career

[way_2_tired]

thanks for the hugs!

I have tried giving them debt management/budget resources in the past. they were offended and told me not to help if i was going to judge them.

My mom actually does know very well how to manage money, but my Dad sabotages the effort. My Mom definitely belives in the man being the "head of the household" so she doesn't really stand up to him.

My Mom's parents have quit helping. I found when I was helping less that they then took more money from my younger brother and sister. Neither of them own anything besides $400 cars and some clothes.

Also too, if it were just my parents I would not feel as obligated, but my youngest two siblings who are not old enough to work have it worst.
I thought my brother was just immune to the cold or something, until I realized he had worn shorts for two winters because he had no trousers.
So i buy them clothes.
I don't really feel much sympathy for their lack of material wealth. I honestly own much less, and come on now I do work (part time for now) in Africa! My parents would be some of the most wealthy people in the country I work in!

But financial struggles cause tension. i can tell whenever it gets really bad because my younger siblings call me crying asking to come live with me. (of course I would allow them to if they really wanted to!) They do this because of teh fighting and my Dad's horrible horrible temper.
I feel responsible for the welfare of my younger siblings.

[mark982]

there's also a older sibling not living at home,any help there.

[westernxer]

I'm supporting my parents as we speak by sharing a place with them. Their health is a little shaky (father's especially) and I felt it was my duty to look after them, since two of my siblings have families of their own and live out of state (the other I won't talk about). My father has suffered numerous health problems since I can remember, so money was always tight, and this is my chance to make sure neither of them have financial worries, even at the expense of my personal progress. My mother's island culture is very much a part of me in terms of looking after my immediate family, something that my American counterparts fail to understand or accept comfortably. It's not easy sometimes, but I don't care.

My situation is different than yours, way2tired, but I think you have to do what you have to do. If your parents have good health, then you should move toward accomplishing your dreams. You can always help them a little more when your income stabilizes. Until then, don't accrue unnecessary debt.

[way_2_tired]

my brother, who does not live at home, helps my parents out. He has given them a good sum of money this year and will take teh entire family out for dinner sometimes. He owns nothing but a $400 car and some clothes. He is only 19.

It's a struggle to find the balance.

I did teach them how to find and buy used furniture and cars! My little sis has them shopping at used clothes stores.
My mom did have a small savings account at one point, I hope she starts one again.
A little progress.
Now if we could only keep my dad from opening up credit card accounts and buying hundreds of dollars of uneeded things when unsupervised!!!

worse then a kid sometimes.

maybe I'll just help with specific things, like my growing siblings clothing needs and help my littlest bro get a car so he can get a job in town.

sometimes its so frustrating. they were telling me to "save money" they haven't changed the oil in the cars in a year. WTF! Great plan, that way the cars will die and you will still owe money on them.

sigh. parents. is it any wonder i'm in no hurry to marry and have kids.

I do plan on putting aside a large sum of money during residency (by working extra hours, who needs sleep?) so that I will have savings should they run into trouble while I'm working in Africa. My African salary, hahaha, wouldn't be enough to help.

westernxer - yeah in West Africa too, family is everything. my friends there would never understand if I did not help my family. Whereas my friends here in the US think it's weird that I do.