Cheating, Flirting, and JealousyBeing unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.
So as I mentioned in an earlier post in the long distance section, I met this really great guy online and we've been talking for a couple months and plan on meeting in August (he lives in New York, I'm in CA). As much as I try to dismiss it as just being an online fling, I don't have 'online flings' and there is defintely something special about this. This is the first time I have been interested in having a relationship since my God awful break up a year and a half ago.
I don't keep in touch with my ex very much as things were very nasty. New girl in the picture, lotta pain, etc...
My ex had attempted a couple times to make peace, to be friends, as he was the one who admittedly was very much to blame. He expressed many times that he just wanted to be at peace with me, just be friends, that he just couldn't stand me hating him after we had been together for so long (almost 4 years). Well obviously with the passage of time I've gotten over the ex and that drama, I am VERY into seeing where things lead with this guy and so happy to find that my heart still works. However, my ex and I had planned to have lunch in a couple weeks, not sure why. Maybe a truce or something? I don't know. Completely platonic seriously, I could not be more into what I'm in right now and my ex knows he's lost his chances. I think we just wanted to try and meet up at least once as calm adults. I didn't want to be sneaky so i ran it by new guy...apparently a dumb thing to do because he completely flipped out. I explained that I could go either way that I didn't NEED to see my ex and if it bothered him I just wouldn't go. I thought I was doing the right thing, I mean as much as I dig the new guy, we're not 'TOgether', we haven't met yet regardless of how intense things have become and I didn't HAVE to ask, but I didn't want to be sneaky and I explained WHY I was considering it and made it very clear that if he didn't want me to go I wouldn't. He made it clear that, he didn't want me to go so I agreed I wouldn't. WELL consequently he was going to dinner and said hed call me after, he didn't. We talked at, let's see, about 8 his time, now it's 5 am his time and still not a word. At first I felt bad and was really sorry but now I'm just pissed off. I texted him about 10 his time expressing again that I was sorry------nothing. I called at about 11-----nothing. He's only done this once before and it didn't last all night. So now I'm upset and feeling very rash. I have an inclination to blow him off for a week and see how he likes it. I know thats not super mature, but I feel like he's trying to punish me...
He's very possessive considering he hasn't even met you yet. He also shows he doesn't trust you. Now he's not answering your calls or texts -- I wonder if he's angry, sulking, depressed, drunk, high - whichever it is, it's not to his credit.
I'm glad for you that this has come up -- you've learned a lot about his negative qualities before you've invested very much. Relationships need situations like this to test them. It's good to have a few testing situations crop up early on.
If I was you, I would go for the meal with your ex to make it clear that you won't be bossed around by anyone and to test the new guy a bit further on whether he can handle a woman with a mind of her own.
Long distance relationships can bring out the jealousy in anyone - you're not together so he's powerless to stop you from getting back together with your ex, which is no doubt what he's worried about. I know that all my insecurities came out in my LDR, and all of his too, even though under normal circumstances neither of us are really jealous people.
There are two separate issues here: him not wanting you to see your ex, and him ignoring you. His request for you not to see your ex seems perfectly reasonable to me, and I have to admit that I wouldn't want my bf to go to dinner with his ex either. I couldn't stop him from going, but I'd make my wishes clear and I'd be very upset if he ignored them. I don't think that's a problem - the issue is that he's now ignoring you. It's fine for him to ask you not to go to dinner with your ex, but to ignore you afterwards seems a bit childish.
But hold on a second - are you sure he's ignoring you, and he didn't just forget to call after dinner, and he isn't busy with something? Let's get a sense of perspective here - you talked to him at 8pm and he was going to dinner, and you texted him at 10pm and again at 11pm - but he had gone to dinner, which takes more than 2-3 hours, you couldn't reasonably expect him to be back from dinner in so short a space of time. Admittedly he could have called you after dinner - unless he got back from dinner really late and just went to bed. Don't you think you're jumping to conclusions rather quickly and assuming he's ignoring you?
If he is ignoring you then yes, he's being childish, but LDRs tend to bring out people's insecurities and I'm sure he'd be a lot less worried about this issue if you were together in person. It will not help for you to behave just as childishly as he is doing and start ignoring him.
I think the best strategy is to wait and see if he contacts you, or give him a call tomorrow, and tell him you feel like he was ignoring you because of what you said about meeting your ex. I think the important thing to remember is that while his behaviour may seem a little off, LDRs bring out your jealousy and he isn't necessarily so possessive in person - he may even have a good explanation for his absence which has nothing to do with purposely ignoring you.
I am trying to be mature but I'm upset. I see he texted me at 12 30am my time and I can't help being annoyed at the fact that that means 3 30 his time...what the hell was he doing out til 3 30? I wouldn't be so annoyed except that we were supposed to talk last night about quite a few things, and the fact that things were already a little fragile because of the whole ex thing...I dunno...
I agree, distance does bring out the sensitive and jealous in people that wouldn't typically be so. I've never been in anything like this where I haven't even MET the guy yet, but my last relationship was 4 years of living 3 hours away so I do understand.
I can't say I wasn't snappy when i answered him just now...He says he got home late and just went to sleep. Which I understand, but in the four or five hours that he was out he couldn't even return a text? I guess.....he says he was in a crowded restaurant and there were reasons why he couldn't talk. I dunno, I still think he was mad because like i said, he's done this before, and last time this happened, it took him a day or two admit it but he finally confessed that he had been upset. Maybe I just need to cool off..
His request for you not to see your ex seems perfectly reasonable to me...
I don't think it's a reasonable request. IMO, it's good that OP and her ex are contemplating meeting as civil adults after an acrimonious breakup. Maybe they will become good friends eventually, I would hope so. OP says she is over her ex and it will be a platonic meeting, what is there to object to? If the new guy doesn't trust her, he should not be pursuing her. He is not her bf yet, they haven't even met. I think it is an outrageous request when they are not yet a couple. Even if he were her bf, I think he should understand the need for her to have at least one meeting with her ex. I don't understand this kind of insecurity at all. My gf meets an ex for coffee every few weeks, I don't mind at all. We are in an LDR -- when I am over there, she and I both meet with her ex quite often.
You say his insecurity might be less if they were together in person. I would think only because he could keep an eye on her movements. Trust means having faith in someone to do what's right when you are not there to monitor them and fidelity means not cheating even when you are sure you can get away with it.
He says he got home late and just went to sleep. Which I understand, but in the four or five hours that he was out he couldn't even return a text? I guess.....he says he was in a crowded restaurant and there were reasons why he couldn't talk.
I can't think of any good reason why he couldn't talk or text from a restaurant.
I can't think of any good reason why he couldn't talk or text from a restaurant.
While there's good reason why he couldn't talk or text from a restaurant, such as being polite to whomever he's with, there's no excuse not to text her when he got home. Calling late would also be rude, since she might have been asleep.
I would put money down that he was mulling over the situation and passive-aggressively punishing her. She did the right thing by telling him about it and he had the right to say no. I don't like his juvenile tactics though and would recommend extreme caution for her to get anymore involved with this guy. If anything, this would be a red flag throwdown, in that communication is key in any relationship and twice as important, in an LDR.
Okay so here's the explanation I got...He wanted to 'get his head straight' before we continued this discussion so he figured hed go to dinner with friends and give himself some time to mellow out, then he would call me when he got home. Supposedly he fell asleep when he got home so the call didn't happen. I understand his feelings, I even understand his not being ready to discuss, my problem lies with him not just TELLING me that he wasn't ready to discuss it...
He apologized this morning and was obviously concerned about my being so mad---he insisted he wasn't trying to punish me and that he's sorry he made a mistake. I told him that this is probably a decision I should make by myself anyhow and that I don't want to discuss this until later on (he's a musician at his church and he has a bunch of services...no point in getting him or myself all riled up this morning). my situation with the ex was a Huge episode in my life and this guy doesn't know a ton about it---he doesn't like to hear about it much....Therefore, I'm thinking any decision making about the matter should probably be left to my own discretion. My ex was ten years older than me, so this is kind of my first thing with someone my own age and even though my ex wasn't super mature, I can see differences in certain areas...I'm wondering if he's mini 'silent treatment' has anything to do with it.
I guess what concerns me is not so much this issue of do I see my ex or not, it's more, is this guy going to be able to discuss with me how he feels about things. If things go great when we meet and we decide to pursue this, it's going to be long distance until someone moves so like you all have been saying, he's gonna hafta figure out how to swallow the pride and tell me when he's upset....
I must agree with TBF there is no reason you can't txt in a restaurant. you dont hafta have a full on txt war but you can send a quick, can we talk about this later...
Its interesting because at first I was totally willing to honor his request to not see the old guy, but I dunno, all this has really made me want to get my point across that if you have a problem with something, you need to handle it like an adult. I'm not going to listen to you if you're going to put me through a silent treatment..
In my opinion it's rather rude to call or text while in the company of others, especially while having dinner - even answering a call is impolite because it implies that the company of the person you're with is less important than that of the person who is calling. Unless it's urgent, it's rather impolite to use your phone while at dinner. Plus there's also the possibility that he didn't hear it in a noisy restaurant. Personally, when I go to dinner with someone I turn my phone off out of respect for my companion.
If he simply wanted some space in order to allow you both to cool off, that's fine, but he should have told you what he was doing. The simplest solution is to ask him to tell you next time he wants some space to think about things, then it would be reasonable to expect him to do so in future. If he ignores you again after being requested not to do so, then it becomes a problem. You need to work on communication between the two of you, but try to keep this in perspective: he didn't reply to you for a few hours, it's not like he's been sleeping around behind your back or anything. In other words, this seems like a minor issue which can easily be addressed, it's not a relationship-breaker unless you make it into one.
So August is fast approaching when I'm gonna meet this dude. It feels so "You've Got Mail" I've never really done anything like this before so it's kind of exciting...HOWEVER, since that situation, the guy and I had one big blow up a couple weeks ago, and as much as it sucked it was nice to finally set some boundaries and discuss what is to be expected of the person prior to our meeting. I can't imagine that we won't like each other when we meet, and I feel that worst case we will have found at least a cool friendship out of the whole thing if the romance doesn't work out...
My issue is, he has a way of kind if getting to me when he gets to me and its a little annoying. Fact of the matter is I'm busier than he is...I'm 24 so social life is busy enough, I teach preschool full time, and go to school full time, and yet I still manage to drop him a line or respond to him when he calls or texts even when Im running around like a maniac. I haven't said anything about it because I feel it's been argued enough and Im thinking that part of the problem is that we just need to see each other~once he has a face (and a body) to put with the voice itll prolly help. This may sound devious, I promise I'm not trying to be, but I'm trying to think of ways to, I dunno, tease him a bit? Im not savvy with all this dating stuff...how do you get a guy to come to you? I def don't wanna bitch about it...Do I just not make myself so available for a couple days?
This guy that I had a huge crush one last year randomly got in touch with me and invited me to this huge 4th of July bash and I was gonna talk to my dude about it but now I'm thinking why...specially if he's in his own little world right now. I'm just gonna do what I want and meet him when I meet him. I'm not giving up on it I just feel like maybe I just need to do my thing and not be so concerned about telling him and having him flip, specially when he's not exactly busting his ass to shower me with attention....I feel like I'M making it worth it to have him be exclusively talking to me but HE is FAR from making it worth it for me to only talk to him right now...specially when a whole day will go by with not a word..
Tuscansun - I only read your OP, not anyone's responses (really wanted to reply to this b/c I'm in a similar situation-ish, but am running out the door in 20 minutes and don't have time to read and think about everything and post a thoughtful response).
I'm in a similar situation with an LDR, except we're not officially committed (we have met in person though, we didn't meet online, and we see each other at least once a month if not more over the last year+).
I got upset a few months ago because this guy went to dinner with his ex. Unlike you, he didn't tell me about it beforehand, I only found out because they went to dinner with another couple I've become friends with, and the other girl mentioned it to me (as in, "Oh and last night my bf and I had dinner with Y and Z). I told him that I was upset about it (we had a rational and calm discussion, no ignoring and sulking and anger). He agreed that he would mention it to me if he hung out with his ex again.
But then he never did. I would occasionally (not often) hear from other friends that they were together, or see pictures on fb.
So I told him that it really hurt my feelings that I was seeing these things online, but not hearing about it from him (like he couldn't tell me about it when we chatted about our days or plans??).
His response was (basically, and in a gentle way) that he loved me, really liked me, was sad that he had hurt me, was over his ex (she's not over him, at least she wasn't when they first started hanging out again, maybe she is now, I don't know), and would never let his "friendship" with her interfere with future romantic relationships. HOWEVER. We only saw each other once a month, I'm not his gf, and he doesn't answer to me.
And that was the end of it. I never brought her up again. I stopped "answering" to him (because he certainly asked me questions about what I was up to), and for awhile even started dating other people, to give myself some distance - his response made it clear to me that I was more invested in the relationship, and saw it as being more than it actually was.
Anyways, have to run, I hope this helps, and if I have time later on and I'll come back to this.
I don't think it's a reasonable request. IMO, it's good that OP and her ex are contemplating meeting as civil adults after an acrimonious breakup. Maybe they will become good friends eventually, I would hope so.
Er, why? Why do they need to become good friends? What purpose would it serve? They broke up for a reason, why do they have to prove they can be civil adults? It's not like they have to see each other all the time. If that were the case, it'd be different. However, it isn't. He's an ex, there's really no need for him to be in her life. She also said he admitted he was to blame for them breaking up. This probably means he treated her like crap, which actually makes everything worse.
To this guy she likes..what he's seeing is this girl attempting to become friends with an ex who treated her badly, and one can't but wonder why bother, unless she still has some feelings? I'm not saying she does, I'm just saying what it might look like.
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OP says she is over her ex and it will be a platonic meeting, what is there to object to? If the new guy doesn't trust her, he should not be pursuing her.
First of all, they haven't even met yet. He's right not to completely trust her. Just because someone says something is platonic doesn't mean it is. Don't get me started on the subject of girls and their ex's, they don't want their bf's hanging around their own ex's, but they think it's some sort of law they get to. Online relationships are tricky..and you have to be careful and you have to guard your heart more than you usually would. I'd be very wary of a girl who all of a sudden is now wanting to sort of make peace with her ex just about a month shy of when we were supposed to first meet.
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He is not her bf yet, they haven't even met. I think it is an outrageous request when they are not yet a couple.
What is so outrageous about wanting to protect one's self? You said it yourself, they haven't even met yet. I would imagine he doesn't wanna begin dealing with ex drama before they have even seen each other.
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Even if he were her bf, I think he should understand the need for her to have at least one meeting with her ex.
Again, why? Why does anyone need to have meetings with an ex? They are an EX for a reason. If you're looking for closure or whatever with an ex, then you shouldn't even be thinking about having a relationship with someone else. You get the closure before you move on.
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I don't understand this kind of insecurity at all. My gf meets an ex for coffee every few weeks, I don't mind at all. We are in an LDR -- when I am over there, she and I both meet with her ex quite often.
It's all about personal preference. As I've said, to me an ex is an ex for a reason. My ex's are out of my life, and I expect them to be out of my gf's lives as well. If this is too much trouble for them, then the girl just isn't worth it.
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You say his insecurity might be less if they were together in person. I would think only because he could keep an eye on her movements.
Which might be right, but then again might be wrong.
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Trust means having faith in someone to do what's right when you are not there to monitor them and fidelity means not cheating even when you are sure you can get away with it.
They aren't together, the trust isn't fully built yet. They haven't even met, so it's sort of impossible to fully trust anyone at this point.
Trust is an important part of a relationship, sure, but so is respect, and to me..it's disrespectful to be out visiting with an ex if you're in a relationship. Even if you're not in a relationship..there's a certain etiquette to be followed. If me and a girl are good friends and we're slowly becoming more than friends to the point where she's even told me she has feelings for me, yet we aren't officially together yet? I'd still expect her to you know..not be out there hooking up with random guys and such.
Granted, we wouldn't be actually together, but if a chick can claim to have feelings for you and then be out there hooking up with other guys simply because you aren't an official couple, well..that's not the type of girl I want.
So, my advice to the original poster:
Just stay away from the ex. You said you don't need to see him, so don't. What have you got to lose? You and him aren't together for a reason. Why pass up a chance with a nice guy just to have lunch with an ex? Understand that because you guys have not met yet..the trust cannot be fully there, and there's nothing worse than not knowing if someone you like is out there with someone else.
EDIT: Well, now I have to edit my post because I see the OP is now saying she is going to a guy's house for the 4th..and she used to have a huge crush on this guy..and it sounds like you're not gonna say a word to this guy you claim to like. Well, this won't end well, as you basically sound like you're saying "If I hook up, I hook up, we haven't met yet so it's no big deal"
In which, that's fine and dandy, but then I guarantee you..there will be no hope for this online thing working out.
Last edited by Spectre; 4th July 2009 at 3:05 PM..
It sounds as if he is insecure and controlling, prone to sulking, and not investing as much effort as tuscansun in calling and texting. It doesn't sound very promising to me though I hope I'm wrong.
Tuscansun: How long are you planning on meeting for? I would hope it's no more than a weekend because if you don't hit it off, it would be agony to feel you have to be together for days on end. Are you meeting in NY or CA or somewhere in between?
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) to put with the voice itll prolly help. This may sound devious, I promise I'm not trying to be, but I'm trying to think of ways to, I dunno, tease him a bit? Im not savvy with all this dating stuff...how do you get a guy to come to you? I def don't wanna bitch about it...Do I just not make myself so available for a couple days? 
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