Rest of story>>http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190291/
Speaking with the STBX today. Sha accused me of many things including trying to save marriage all for money etc. The one thing that really cut me was, that she said that i have been Emotionaly Abusive through our whole relationship. I have read some deffinitions online, but all are pretty vague, like thay could be applied to anyone. I'd like to hear from anybody with experience with the subject. While this marriage seems to be at an end, i'd like to know if I am carrying some sort of unhealthy behavior into the next one. All viewpoints are welcome.
TOJAZ
She's just placing blame on you because she needs a scapegoat to justify what she is doing to you. she's the one doing emotional abuse by her affair, it's hurting you right, emotionally and mentally.
STOP TALKING TO HER!!!!
first and formost, if she's leaving then keep the talk about legal matters, detach, and keep your emotions on ice. You dont need to keep rehashing the past.
She wants cake
LET HER HAVE CAKE UNTIL HER STOMACH EXPLODES!
Figuratively, dont phtysically stuff her with pastries. lol. J/K.
Why are you even talking to her, if she isnt stopping the affair and recomitting then there is nothing to talk about!
At ALL!!!
__________________
You see I'm not a monster...I'm just ahead of the curve!!!
Good advice guys, this isn't about her though. She's gone. I did everything I could to save it, and I can sleep at night knowing that. I looked at some of the definitions online and can see myself in a few of the charachteristics. I am just looking for the problems that i brought to the table. If her accusations are true, then i want to do something about it for the next relationship. If they arent true, a little reassurance never hurt either.
TOJAZ
Emotional abuse is a toughie because it is such a broad term however I'd say that these are some of the signs of more prominent emotional abuse:
* Feeling anxious or afraid of approaching your partner with any problems because you are afraid of their overreaction/walking on eggshells at home.
* Partner openly resents you and blameshifts their own shortcomings in life and/or the relationship onto you.
* Partner belittles your achievements. He/she tries to make things you are proud of seem small and insignificant.
* Partner criticizes you constantly (sometimes sarcastically trying to play it off as just a 'joke'). They make you feel incompetent, stupid, ugly or worthless. Nothing you do is ever right or good enough.
* They oftentimes withhold affection and attention, giving you the cold shoulder, ignoring and snubbing you while telling you that nothing is amiss. They make you feel rejected and unwanted.
*You second guess yourself all the time and find yourself going to great lengths to try and change the way you do things and communicate with your partner out of fear. (Fear of setting them off)
* Feeling anxious or afraid of approaching your partner with any problems because you are afraid of their overreaction/walking on eggshells at home.
She has said this during the divorce, but I have never seen any signs of this before. She has always seemed kind of passive though.
* Partner openly resents you and blameshifts their own shortcomings in life and/or the relationship onto you.
I have never felt resentment toward her, there have been some times that I can remember That I unjustly blamed her for small things, but not my life.
* Partner belittles your achievements. He/she tries to make things you are proud of seem small and insignificant.
Must admit that I was never quite as proud of some of her work accomplishments as she was.
* Partner criticizes you constantly (sometimes sarcastically trying to play it off as just a 'joke'). They make you feel incompetent, stupid, ugly or worthless. Nothing you do is ever right or good enough.
While, I don't think it was constant, I did criticize her a bit more then I should. The way she drove, or some things I was picky about around the house. I guess I'm guilty here.
* They oftentimes withhold affection and attention, giving you the cold shoulder, ignoring and snubbing you while telling you that nothing is amiss. They make you feel rejected and unwanted.
I believe I can honestly say that this didn't happen often or deliberately. Sometimes after a fight maybe for a few hours, but I always tried to be clear if I was upset.
*You second guess yourself all the time and find yourself going to great lengths to try and change the way you do things and communicate with your partner out of fear. (Fear of setting them off)
Not sure how she saw things, she never said or did anything that would indicate this.
Thanks a lot everybody. I've always seen abuse as something very different then the way she is describing it. Yet if you look in the right places online, everything in a marriage is abusive. I always saw abuse as doing something to deliberately hurt. If she truly believes that, then i don't know what shes thinking. I can admit, that I have had certain pet peeves that I probably criticized her for too much, or some things I teased her about that may have gone a little farther then i intended, but it was not anything like the stories I have read about true abuse. If that is the way she sees it, then that is what it is to her, I know how I tried to treat her, guess that just wasn't good enough anymore.
TOJAZ
That's right. In the end when one spouse decides to leave the other they try to justify their decision any way they can. This makes them feel like a better person for making the choice they have.
This doesn't mean what they say is right. It means what they say is protecting them. You need to take the blinders off and look at the past with your eyes wide open.
This means that you need to realize you BOTH made mistakes and that I doubt anyone that ended up here asking what you are emotionally abused someone.
Just because it didn't work out and her emotions where going crazy doesn't mean you did anything like that. Believe less in what she says and more in what you know.
In the end it is a nasty business that no one wants to go through. Forget what you can, learn what you can, live with what you need to and move on.
Start living and enjoying life.
__________________
It is not a taboo to go back and retreive what you forgot.
You must retrieve the knowledge of the past to prepare for the future.
I had to research some stuff on emotional abuse so I'm relating some stuff that my husband would do that is considered emotional abuse.
1. He would call me all sorts of names; b*tch, slut, whore, etc. especially whenever he's angry.
2. He would blame everyone but himself. For example, everything that went sour in the relationship was all bc of me.
3. He would belittle all of my friends and family, sometimes I feel like he tries to isolate me from being with them.
4. He'll always try to make me feel worthless even put me down about my job, school, and as a person.
5. He had this manipulative charm. He would apologize but still somehow, make it to be my fault.
6. Explode all of a sudden. Sometimes he gets angry by twisting what I say to him at the time.
7. He demanded respect all the time even if he didn't respect me as a woman, his wife, and the mother of his supposedly "fat loser" of a daughter.
8. Never compromised!
9. He seemed almost bipolar. One day he could be the sweetest guy and the next he's a complete @$$. He lets his emotions of anger run him.
Cycle of Abuse Phase 1 - Tension Building Tension increases, breakdown of communication, victim feels need to placate the abuser
Phase 3 - Reconcillation Abuser apologizes, gives excuses, blames the victim, denies the abuse occur, or say the abuse wasn't as bad as the victim claims.
Phase 4 - Calm Incident is forgotten, no abuse is taken place.
__________________
Reputation is what men and women think of us; character is what God and angels know of us.
I had to research some stuff on emotional abuse so I'm relating some stuff that my husband would do that is considered emotional abuse.
1. He would call me all sorts of names; b*tch, slut, whore, etc. especially whenever he's angry.
2. He would blame everyone but himself. For example, everything that went sour in the relationship was all bc of me.
3. He would belittle all of my friends and family, sometimes I feel like he tries to isolate me from being with them.
4. He'll always try to make me feel worthless even put me down about my job, school, and as a person.
5. He had this manipulative charm. He would apologize but still somehow, make it to be my fault.
6. Explode all of a sudden. Sometimes he gets angry by twisting what I say to him at the time.
7. He demanded respect all the time even if he didn't respect me as a woman, his wife, and the mother of his supposedly "fat loser" of a daughter.
8. Never compromised!
9. He seemed almost bipolar. One day he could be the sweetest guy and the next he's a complete @$$. He lets his emotions of anger run him.
Cycle of Abuse Phase 1 - Tension Building Tension increases, breakdown of communication, victim feels need to placate the abuser
Phase 3 - Reconciliation Abuser apologizes, gives excuses, blames the victim, denies the abuse occur, or say the abuse wasn't as bad as the victim claims.
Phase 4 - Calm Incident is forgotten, no abuse is taken place.
Binga~bang!
Binga~bong!
If you like a stress free life, like pina-coladas,(Margaritas) like getting caught in the rain, If your not into yoga, have half a brain walking the beaches at night?
I had to research some stuff on emotional abuse so I'm relating some stuff that my husband would do that is considered emotional abuse.
1. He would call me all sorts of names; b*tch, slut, whore, etc. especially whenever he's angry.
2. He would blame everyone but himself. For example, everything that went sour in the relationship was all bc of me.
3. He would belittle all of my friends and family, sometimes I feel like he tries to isolate me from being with them.
4. He'll always try to make me feel worthless even put me down about my job, school, and as a person.
5. He had this manipulative charm. He would apologize but still somehow, make it to be my fault.
6. Explode all of a sudden. Sometimes he gets angry by twisting what I say to him at the time.
7. He demanded respect all the time even if he didn't respect me as a woman, his wife, and the mother of his supposedly "fat loser" of a daughter.
8. Never compromised!
9. He seemed almost bipolar. One day he could be the sweetest guy and the next he's a complete @$$. He lets his emotions of anger run him.
Cycle of Abuse Phase 1 - Tension Building Tension increases, breakdown of communication, victim feels need to placate the abuser
Phase 3 - Reconcillation Abuser apologizes, gives excuses, blames the victim, denies the abuse occur, or say the abuse wasn't as bad as the victim claims.
Phase 4 - Calm Incident is forgotten, no abuse is taken place.
Thank you Vangel. I had almost forgotten about these threrads (have one on the abuse board too) Some sessions with my counselor got very intense on this subject. I think by now, you know MY opinions on abuse. To have myself placed in that category was about the worst thing she could have said. That was actually a form of abuse on her part! I've found now that most people demonstrate some of this behavior every once in a while, which was why I posted this. It is the people who do it every day or to the extreme like above where the abuser label comes out. "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" is a good book on Emotional Abuse. It is by Patricia Evans, if you want to continue your research.
TOJAZ
Thank you Vangel. I had almost forgotten about these threrads (have one on the abuse board too) Some sessions with my counselor got very intense on this subject. I think by now, you know MY opinions on abuse. To have myself placed in that category was about the worst thing she could have said. That was actually a form of abuse on her part! I've found now that most people demonstrate some of this behavior every once in a while, which was why I posted this. It is the people who do it every day or to the extreme like above where the abuser label comes out. "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" is a good book on Emotional Abuse. It is by Patricia Evans, if you want to continue your research.
TOJAZ
Thanks for that, I would definitely check it out. Reading on this kind of stuff really gives you that sense of relief. I'm not as crazy as I think! lol.
That's right. In the end when one spouse decides to leave the other they try to justify their decision any way they can. This makes them feel like a better person for making the choice they have.
This doesn't mean what they say is right. It means what they say is protecting them. You need to take the blinders off and look at the past with your eyes wide open.
This means that you need to realize you BOTH made mistakes and that I doubt anyone that ended up here asking what you are emotionally abused someone.
Just because it didn't work out and her emotions where going crazy doesn't mean you did anything like that. Believe less in what she says and more in what you know.
In the end it is a nasty business that no one wants to go through. Forget what you can, learn what you can, live with what you need to and move on.
Start living and enjoying life.
I agree with that! You know the truth, so stick with it! Unless, you're in denial, but I really doubt that's the case. You were over there blaming yourself and thinking that you were an emotional abuser. She seems like she made you think that so it'll justify her actions. Even if that was the case, two wrongs don't make a right~ It sounds like she was the one who was emotionally abusing you for her to make you feel that. Never doubt yourself and your character. Don't let her words manipulate you to doing so.
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