Hi all i've been reading a lot of threads here the last few days so i decided to tell my story and hopefully get some feed back from which is a difficult time for me. Up till a few days ago i was in a relationship with a girl for 4 years who was a everything to me. She was so i thought the love of my life. We're both from europe but from different conutries and met in my home town where she was living at the time. we started out as friends and after a few months became close and lovers. After a year or so we moved in togther and enjoyed a really nice life in a cosy little apartment. About 1 year ago she got very homesick and moved home. Due to a work contract i was unable to go with her so the relationship became long distant with a view to me joining her this summer. We visited regular and chatted everyday on the phone. My ex gf suffers with stress and worries about work a lot and it requires a lot of confidence building and a lot of my time was taken up comforting her and building up her confidence over the 4 years.
While visiting her last weekend i noticed a real change in her attitude towards me and life in general. She was very distant and told me she was unsure of her feelings towards me. This knocked me back a bit and i kept asking her if she wants to break up. She kept saying i d'ont know, i d'ont know. I went home and after a few days she still was'nt giving me an honest answer. She tiold me that she dose'nt think she loves me but dose'nt wanna lose me? I told her that 'you d'ont love me but u d'ont want anybody else to have me? ' and she said yes maybe. she eventually told me she just wants to stay friends and after a bit of soul searching i reluntantly said yes. She then asked me will i still help her with her problems. and again i prob stupidly said yes. She seems to be flying in her life the last few days while i'm down in the dumps. Is she just using me to talk to her and help and am i better off just disappearing from her life? Its so hard. i find myself constantly checking my phone and i'm very insecure. any help would be much appreciated in this difficult time.
She didn't lose you but you've lost her. Don't worry about her and quit checking the phone. Let someone else screen your voicemails, delete those that don't apply and keep those for you to check.
Thanks gerbear. I've turned then phone off for the rest of the day. Its just so hard as i still see her as the same girl with the same feelings. Unfortunatley thats not the case anymore.Your right as she's on a weeks holiday from work and since we've broken up i've been the one keeping in touch with her. i supose i'm just not good at letting go. memories are just flying around my head.
You are the one keeping in touch with her and as soon as you stop she'll be the one to do the keeping in touch. She's playing cruel games, intentionally or not, you should not have anything to do with her right now, ignore anything and everything unless she bangs on your door wanting to get back together....and even then, tread carefully.
Memories will continue to fly around your head as long as you don't let go. You know this. You'll be OK, but do get space away from her to sort your feelings out, do not contact her. Keeping in contact will only prolong the pain and give you false hope.
Thanks hopesndreams. I know i have to let her go. I know once i stop contacting she'l continue to make contact every few days. there's also a fear inside that if i stop i'm afraid i'l never hear from her again. But i know i just have to disapear from her life and its so heartbreaking thinking of it.
Thanks hopesndreams. I know i have to let her go. I know once i stop contacting she'l continue to make contact every few days. there's also a fear inside that if i stop i'm afraid i'l never hear from her again. But i know i just have to disapear from her life and its so heartbreaking thinking of it.
By staying friends with you, it makes the blow of the breakup easier on her. Dont make it easier on her! Cut her off now. You have to be prepared to never hear from her again. She found someone else and she will never feel the same way about you. Your best bet is to keep ignoring her. If it gets unbearable, then you need to tell her to stop contacting you, you CANNOT be friends with her. Then you tell her if she wants to try again maybe you can talk. But you have to do this NOW so syou an heal. Dont let it strtech along.
__________________ ADF: People don't lie to spare other people; people lie to spare themselves. Anybody who says, "it's not you, it's me" is beneath contempt.
If youre only dating jerks, It's your people-picker that needs a tune-up.
She already told you what the deal is when you pushed her, she doesn't want you but she doesn't want anyone else to have you either. She wants you there so you can help her out with her problems. She doesn't want any responsibility of a relationship towards you...but she still wants her confidence builder and ego stroker. If she's prepared to cut the strings and shut you out of her life, you don't owe her jack. Simple as that. It may be hard for you to swallow but you'd be better ignoring her and cutting her off. She doesn't want you and she has changed her feelings towards you. Even if she decides to come back, I would lay money that she would walk away again, they always do. Your best bet for healing is to block everything and ignore. Total no contact and move on.
OP, look at it this way. This experience has freed you to spend your time with a more positive and mature woman. Now, that's an experience you'll be thankful for
Thanks boogieboy and thanks again to all the good people who have taken time to post the kind and helpful advice. I have to be strong. I've never been in this situation before so i'm a complete novice. I guess i know i'm in for a real painful time but your right as its for my own good to start the NC now. i get such urges to call her and she sounds so cold on the phone when we chat. I guess day 1 of my NC starts today
Read and post, as appropriate, to the threads in my signature line. Good luck!
A couple months of hard work should reap benefits. Do not date anyone else during this time. If you do date someone, and find yourself thinking of your ex, be honest with that person and stop. Total detox is what leads to health.
Thanks boogieboy and thanks again to all the good people who have taken time to post the kind and helpful advice. I have to be strong. I've never been in this situation before so i'm a complete novice. I guess i know i'm in for a real painful time but your right as its for my own good to start the NC now. i get such urges to call her and she sounds so cold on the phone when we chat. I guess day 1 of my NC starts today
Do me a favour, think about how you feel right now... how painful it is. How her walking away from you feels. How painful it is for there to be NO messages, for her to NOT be interested in you like she was. Think very very carefully about that. The reason I say this is because... in the days to come, you will WANT to contact her, you will WANT to initiate contact... and you will set yourself back to this point today. Please read the guide in Carhill's signature. The thread by 'no foolin' is a Loveshack favourite and has helped an awful lot of people in the five years it has been active. Take care of YOURself.
She already told you what the deal is when you pushed her, she doesn't want you but she doesn't want anyone else to have you either. She wants you there so you can help her out with her problems. She doesn't want any responsibility of a relationship towards you...but she still wants her confidence builder and ego stroker. If she's prepared to cut the strings and shut you out of her life, you don't owe her jack. Simple as that. It may be hard for you to swallow but you'd be better ignoring her and cutting her off. She doesn't want you and she has changed her feelings towards you. Even if she decides to come back, I would lay money that she would walk away again, they always do. Your best bet for healing is to block everything and ignore. Total no contact and move on.
the truth hurts but i'm grateful for your post as your right i am being just used to help her when she needs me.
OP, look at it this way. This experience has freed you to spend your time with a more positive and mature woman. Now, that's an experience you'll be thankful for
the truth hurts but i'm grateful for your post as your right i am being just used to help her when she needs me.
Unfortunately, yes you are. Right now, you need to heal. You may be able to help her in the future - but I can guarantee you that you cannot do that until such time that you are healed. That may take a week, a month, a year, a lifetime. Only you will know. Meantime tell her that you need her to back off and leave you alone, for now. Ask her to respect your pain. If she cares about you, she will do what you ask. If not, if she selfishly puts herself first, then you have your answer to what she really thinks of you.
Do me a favour, think about how you feel right now... how painful it is. How her walking away from you feels. How painful it is for there to be NO messages, for her to NOT be interested in you like she was. Think very very carefully about that. The reason I say this is because... in the days to come, you will WANT to contact her, you will WANT to initiate contact... and you will set yourself back to this point today. Please read the guide in Carhill's signature. The thread by 'no foolin' is a Loveshack favourite and has helped an awful lot of people in the five years it has been active. Take care of YOURself.
Thanks chinook and i will do that!! I would'nt say i feel better already but the help i'm getting here makes me see things a little more clearly. I think i need to look after me now. I'm gonna read carhills guide now.
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