Ive been seeing my GF for 3 mnths now and she has 2 young boys aged 7 and 4. They aren't too bad I suppose but sometimes I think they walk all over her.
They both still have a bottle before they go to bed which I think the 7 yr old should have at least grown out of by now.
But the biggest problem I have with them is that they don't go to sleep.
My own kids (Who live with their mum) were always told to be in bed by 8.30 and always went and were asleep within 10-20 mins or so most of the time.
My GF's boys will still be up at 10.30-11.00 at night. She puts a movie on for the 4 yr old in his room and gives him a bottle and the 7 yr old sleeps out on a fold out bed in the lounge also watching a movie. But often they will both get out of bed and start running amok around the house screaming and yelling. She warns them a few times and once or twice one of them has copped a smack but in general it doesn't seem to do any good. The 7 yr old often speaks to his mother very rudely demanding he gets this or gets that.
When he is tired and ready and this can often be after midnight she must lie down with him on the couch. I go to bed and wait for her to come in but the light stays on so he can see when he come in a few hrs later, wakes her up and she has to go back to the couch and sleep with him until morning. I could understand the four year old doing this but for a seven year old to still want to sleep with his mother is a bit of a joke. Apparently when they are at their dads house he does the same with him.
I have spoken to her about this and told her that they walk all over her because she lets them. I think the 7 yr old should be made to sleep in his bedroom in his own bed instead of out in the loungeroom every night and they should both be made to go to bed at a decent time. I hate the fact that we cant just sit down and watch tv or a movie at 8.30 because the kids are still awake demanding her attention etc. If we were to go to bed to watch a movie and they were still awake we would get nowhere. Ive told her a few times that there is no point me staying the night if I sleep on my own anyway.
Also the 7 yr old has issues with sharing which my GF tends to support sayng that hes just not used to sharing as him and his brother always got one each of everything.
Once when my boys were over (Aged 6 and 8) one of them wanted to play with the 7 yr olds game. He didn't want to share it and my GF said thats fair enough because its his special game and she put it away. Then later on he cracked it because my son was on the PS2 and he wanted to play. I told my GF I would bring my sons Xbox here next time and she said but then there will be fights over who gets to play it. It seems when it comes to her kids they don't have to share but when it comes to mine they have to which isn't fair.
My kids were over Monday night and we went to the park. On the way back my GF stopped and brought them all some lollies however her 7 yr old didn't want to share and had a tantrum. I ended up taking my kids to my house just to keep the peace. I told her that was why and she cracked it with me saying we should have worked it out together, but honestly I thought she will give in to him to keep the peace and thats not fair so I went home instead.
One night we had planned to go out that friday and the 7 yr old said NO so she turns to me and says "Well we cant go then" I said to her "Your the adult not him tell him your going and thats that". So far I ignore their behaviour as I dont want to be seen as the ogre step dad but she did say to me last night that they need that father figure so I thought maybe thats a hint she wants me to step in. Problem is the odd occasion where I have had to tell them off for something they just go running back to mum crying. I feel they wouldn't listen to me anyway.
Anyway some advice on how to get them to go to sleep at a decent time and in their beds would be great and how do I start to be a disciplinary figure in their lives without the worry that mum will cave in and go soft?
YOu need to agree with your girlfriend a plan so she will back you. Ideally enrol their father too- a consistent approach all round and they will soon get the idea that adults rule the roost
Ive been seeing my GF for 3 mnths now and she has 2 young boys aged 7 and 4.
do I start to be a disciplinary figure in their lives without the worry that mum will cave in and go soft?
You've been seeing her for 3 months and want to start becoming a disciplinary figure in their lives? You are way overstepping here. I am quite shocked that a woman would allow a boyfriend of 3 months(!) to criticize her parenting and attempt to discipline her children. You are a STRANGER to them in their home.
You've been seeing her for 3 months and want to start becoming a disciplinary figure in their lives? You are way overstepping here. I am quite shocked that a woman would allow a boyfriend of 3 months(!) to criticize her parenting and attempt to discipline her children. You are a STRANGER to them in their home.
Outrageous!
So you think that because Ive only known her for 3 months her young children have a right to be disrespectful to me and their mother and I should just sit back and watch. Sorry I disagree I dont think it matters how long Ive known her. Even if I was a stranger in their lives thats no reason for them to be disrespectful to me or their mother while I do nothing.
Thanks jasonv and cybersitter for your helpful comments.
Anyone know any good advice on trying to get the kids to bed at a reasonable hour and staying there?
What do you exepct children from a dysfunctional or/and broken home to be? It's more than skin deep. Often, there are emotional and pschycological issues/problems too that are often hidden.
Why did you get a divorce? Why did your GF get a divorce?
So you think that because Ive only known her for 3 months her young children have a right to be disrespectful to me and their mother and I should just sit back and watch.
No. You should not have met them yet.
You should not have met them yet BECAUSE they so desperately need discipline and structure. If you step up and, with their mother, start a united front to improve their behavior - what happens when and if you and the mom find you are not compatible?
Their new stability gets pulled out from under them
They get the sense that they only need to listen to mom if she has a male figure backing her up
They feel abandoned.
So you think that because Ive only known her for 3 months her young children have a right to be disrespectful to me and their mother and I should just sit back and watch. Sorry I disagree I dont think it matters how long Ive known her. Even if I was a stranger in their lives thats no reason for them to be disrespectful to me or their mother while I do nothing.
Thanks jasonv and cybersitter for your helpful comments.
Anyone know any good advice on trying to get the kids to bed at a reasonable hour and staying there?
Agreed. You are a stranger in their home - not their "real" dad and thus they will never treat you in that light, so you'll have to accept that. You're going to have to convince your gf that her children need more discipline - but that's up to you to figure out
Anyway some advice on how to get them to go to sleep at a decent time and in their beds would be great and how do I start to be a disciplinary figure in their lives without the worry that mum will cave in and go soft?
I think that you have absolutely NO rights to be a disciplinary figure in their lives.. none.. you are NOT the father.. you're only the bf.. and only been around for 3 months.
I feel very sorry for those little ones.. they are NOT provided with structure. She's a 'weak' mother as she does not apply good, healthy discipline and rules in the household.
She should be constant and most of all, firm with them.. they're all over her.. because she lacks in her 'mother' role of support and guidance.
Okay so the general consensus seems to be that I have no rights to discipline them in anyway what so ever and I should just sit back and let them do what they want to. Which is what I'm doing now anyway so I will just keep going with that. However what advice can I possibly offer my girlfriend on how to discipline her children on her own then? What methods work best? Is there a way to get the 7 yr old off the bottle and back into his own bedroom and bed?
I don't know man, there was a thread on here a while ago about a couple and the wife slept in the 11yos bed and the husband slept alone- you can imagine that wasn't a happy marriage.
Never did end up finding out what happened there.
seriously do you know what I would do?
I would walk.
You can't discipline the kids, and they are already having a negative impact on a very new relationship- you should be in the honeymoon phase!!
Things probably aren't going to get better.
sorry to be so negative, but there are more fish in the sea.. esp the Melbourne sea.
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Wonderbaby born 22.10.09, 10lb.
It isn't your problem. Why stay there when she has the kids? You mentioned they stay with their dad, as he has the same problems. So stay with your GF only when the kids are at their dad's.
Don't you have a home? It's not only early to have met her kids but also inappropriate to be sleeping with their mom while they're there.
Kids learn by example. But these kids haven't had any good ones, and probably just need time and some delicate coaching (ie. parenting by mom and dad).
I ended things with my last bf after 18 months, and one reason I couldn't tell him was his disrespectful selfish children and they were all over 10. If you have to end this, now is the time. You're not in this relationship to be a step-dad. You are in it to be a companion to your GF.
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I'm not 40. I'm $39.95 plus shipping and handling.
As a MOM who allows my children to "walk all over me", your GF will not change her ways or her views of her children.
She allows them to "walk all over" her because that is most likely the type of person she is.
You only have 3 mths into this relationship, your best bet would be to walk away. She will never pick you over her children, and if you force the issue you will lose her anyways.
But if you are head strong for this relationship, some good advice would be...
Children need between 10 - 14 hours of sleep a night. do some research print out WHY the kids need this sleep, present it to GF in a way that you are trying to look out for her kids well being. Not that you think she is messing up as a mom.
As for the bottle issues, they are way to old for that. Again do some research and show her the downsides of having emotionally dependent children.
As for them sleeping in the loungeroom, a lot of children do this. My 4 yr old would rather sleep on our couch then in her bed. Does it bother you cause you want to snuggle up with the GF and not able to??
I also agree that in 3 mths you shouldnt have meet those kids, let alone be hanging out in the house past 8 pm. I was divorced for 4 years before I remarried. Want to know how many men my children met that I dated??? in 4 years time they met 2. The second being my current husband. The first, they met him after we had been dating over a year. WHY???? Because he was my "plaything" not theirs. Want to know how many men I dated that they never met??? Plenty.
Have you also considered the fact, the one of the reasons the kids are staying up late and acting up is because YOU ARE THERE. They see you a competitor for their moms attention.
Yeah, I agree that you should just let your GF know that you can't tolerate this behavior, but you really aren't in any position to step in as a father figure.
Personally I would be creeped out by this parenting style and it would make me rethink a longterm relationship with that person because you'd just be moving on in to that situation full time instead of having your own place to retreat to...
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