I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for 4 years, we have had the best relationship of my life. We are laugh and have more fun than i ever imagined was possible. Our only problem has been sex. We have never had intercourse although we have had a good physically intimate relationship in other ways. I always knew he had sexual issues, he always told me he was uncomfortable and could not focus with sex. I thought we were slowly working together but then i went abroad for 2 months, when i returned it was like my boyfriend had had a nervous breakdown. He wouldn't touch me said he couldn't be intimate with me. He say he feels broken, Finally the other night he told me that his primary sexual fantasy is being a women. He says that he is not transgender he just feels this way sexually. I am very happy he opened up to me, but he is very ashamed. He feels like he is broken and is to embarrassed to go to counseling. I am really worried about him. if this is want he is into i can work with that but i dont think it cant work if he cant talk about it.
any advice for me? does anyone have experience with men having fantasies about being women?
If it's fine with you, I honestly don't think you should put it in a way that sounds like he needs 'fixing'. That makes it sound like a psychological/sexual disorder or something. Instead, I would tell him that I think everyone can and should fantasize about whatever they want, provided it does not cause problems with their life or relationships. So the focus is on how his fantasies are affecting your relationship and his self-esteem, but they are not wrong in themself. Tell him that if he can get over his hangups about his own fantasies and work them into his sexual life with you, then he's all set.
But you have to be sure that you don't mind, in the first place.
thank you for your reply, i didn't mean to imply he needs fixing. where did you see that? i am just asking because i really dont want to sound like that is what i am saying when i am talking to him.
I really am fine with his fantasies, but he is so scared and embarrassed he doesn't want to talk about it. I feel like we need to talk about it because he has completely cut off all intimacy but then i also understand that people work on different time lines. How long do you think i should wait to talk about it with him?
I wasn't sure whether you thought so or not, I just thought best to put in that bit of advice anyway regardless. I don't think you sound harsh or judgemental.
I really don't know, honestly. That depends entirely on the dynamics of your relationship; I don't think anyone can tell you what the best way or time is. If it was me, I would just share my strange fantasies (I have quite a bunch) and tell him straight out that I think his are fine, or even pretty interesting (if that's not false).
I would be concerned if my partner and I had been together 4 years but had never had sex. Are you sure he's heterosexual?
If he does want to be with you and isn't gay, you need to tell him that his fantasy isn't a big issue. He likes to think about being in the submissive role and being the woman - so what? I sometimes like to think about being in the dominant role and shagging my boyfriend rather than him doing it to me, but I don't want to be a man. Perhaps he would like it if you took a more dominant role and did him up the ass with a strap-on occasionally - some straight men do like that. Whatever you decide to do, you really need to convey the message that it's fine to be turned on by certain things and nobody should feel bad about what they get off on, as long as it doesn't harm anyone else.
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I don't think you sound harsh or judgemental.
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