I have gotten into this relationship that has blossomed quite fast unexpectedly. He has been so into me, we are so on the same plain with our wants and needs and not playing games-very open. I adore him. He is attentive and sensitive. We live 45 mins. apart and so we spend the weekends at each others place. We have had the most wonderful time. Everyone thought we were a perfect match. Well, last week it all changed.
He calls every night before bed and he didn't call one night when I was sick so when I called I casually brought up I was disappointed-he got sidetracked with fixing the cable, and doing other things and was watching tv. I let it be. The next day it still bothered me and I mentioned it made me feel unimportant-he said he didn't mean to but he just got sidetracked. Then we had camping plans, I asked different times if he was sure he wanted me to go and he got aggravated that I asked more than once and said he wouldn't have asked. We had a nice weekend. He wasn't as affectionate though. He treated me the same though. I asked on Mon. if all was o.k because of that and he said yes.
Then while talking that night about plans for a comedy club in Nov. he couldn't make plans that far ahead because he never does-then said he told me yes before and if I keep asking he changes his mind. I didn't remember what he said though about it. I appologized for seeming insecure or over sensitive about the questioning last week and it was just that I am still getting to know his ways and i get overemotional monthly. I am not always that way. Well, he said there was really something wrong and that was what bothered him-he was afraid of it being an issue. He felt uncomfortable and had doubts but didn't know why.
When I was trying to understand him he got aggravated and said see, here you go questioning me-I said it wasn't insecurity it was just trying to understand him. When I asked he said he didn't know how he felt about me or us. When I asked he said he didn't think of breaking it off or space but he said he would have been concerned if I didn't ask things but gets aggravated when I do.
He wants a relationship though. He wanted to sleep on it and started giving short answers because it was late. To make it short, he said he would call tomorrow and didn't want to me to come over after all.
He did call but no message. I called the following day. He said he would call after work. He did yesterday and right before bed and it was usual talk until I asked about our plans for Sat. he said he didn't want to see me over the weekend. He hadn't worked things out yet in his head as to what is wrong. He said it's hard to explain but he can be not lying but manipulative to get people to think his way and he could see how he might walk all over me in that way. I told him I am very strong and don't tolerate that. That hasn't happened so he hasn't seen that.
He coulnd't find an example but said it's just a way about him that he can put blame on you for something that isn't your fault to make you see things his way. I asked if he still had a spark for me and he said yes. I told him if he wants to end it I will walk out of his life now and he said he didn't want to make that decision yet. He doesn't feel that way. I said we could slow things down and he said maybe. Just give him a few days and he will let me know. He said he didn't want to see me and persue anything until he figures this out. He feels he watns a relationship but not sure I am the one(in the beginnning he said now he knew what it was like to find the one-me) because he does'nt think I am strong enough to deal with his ways. I told him he doesn't know me.
I don't want to lose him or push him away. I also don't put up with crap. I respect his wishes and said I will miss him but he just said thanks. I said, I see now at least it isn't mutual and he said it really is but he just needs some time away. I asked if he wanted to see others and he said that wasn't an issue.
Is there no hope? Is there anyway to turn this around so I can prove that I am not a pushover only doing things to make him happy or falling into his manipulation? I really have strong feelings since things were so intense and don't want to lose him!
Please help!
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 25th October 2002 at 11:19 AM..
Reason: Courtesy paragraphs.
Andee, take a minute and read over your post. If things don't jump out at you, let me point them out:
1) Your pushing him away. Your attached, I can tell; and probably way to soon. If he's anything like me, when someone becomes attached and constantly questions me about what I'm doing now, tommorow, and in six weeks, I get frustrated easily. It just isn't normal.
2) Your not allowing him to have his own time. So what if he didn't call you ONE night out of the week? God forbid that it might mean he doesn't want you anymore? Did it ever occur to you that he has things going on in his own life apart from you, and maybe doesn't have the time every night to call you.
3) You are insecure. "The next day it still bothered me and I mentioned it made me feel unimportant-" --- Over one missed phone call? Wake up Andee, its not that big of a deal! Besides, you could have called him... right?
"Then we had camping plans, I asked different times if he was sure he wanted me to go and he got aggravated that I asked more than once and said he wouldn't have asked. We had a nice weekend. He wasn't as affectionate though. He treated me the same though."
I'll tell you why he probably wasn't affectionate with you: he was probably ready mad or irritated with you. Your boyfriend is right: you don't need to ask more than once. That's a sign of insecurity over something.
In all honesty, I don't see anything wrong with this relationship. I don't see how you can say "well, last week it all changed" over ne missed phone call. Doesn't make sense. It seems to me the relationship was probably fine from his perspective -- except that your insecurity is being revealed. And yes, that is a problem because it can make the other partner miserable.
I'd say there's hope, but it lies in your hands, not his. He's done nothing wrong. Sounds like he's been good to you. So if you want him that bad, change the way you approach the relationship. Don't ask more than once. Don't get mad over a missed phone call. Don't let little things change whether or not you feel important. You can do it, it will just take effort.
I agree with you and have realized the two incidences however, I don't know if I will have the chance to show him that I can be more laid back. He is telling me that he isn't sure how he feels about things and he has an issue with being manipulative in a persuasive way and doesn't think I can be strong enough to handle it. Well, the issue never came up so he doesn't know. I won't let that happen but I can 't see how I can show him I am stronger than that. The last conversation, I was very strong and told him even if he wanted to end it, I will walk away now and he said he didn' t want to make that decision and that isn't true that he wants that. Yet, he said it's nothing I did but it is how he is and he doesn't think I can handle his ways if he becomes like that. HE said he wants a relationship but isn't sure if it should be with me. That scares me and hurts. I really want to work through this. He means alot to me. I am very independent and not needy it's just that he and I have all the same wants, beliefs, etc. and he has things I have been looking for in a person for a long time. He is a great catch. How can I change his perception?
He doesn't want to see me right now so I have to wait for him to call since I want to give him his time and not smother him. But, not being around-how can I change his perception? Will time away make it easier for him to get over me or miss me more?
Someone isn't a "great catch" if they're not sure that they want to be with you. You can't have a happy relationship with someone who's not into it.
I agree with Equate: you sound like you're very insecure. You've said that you can be strong and not allow him to manipulate you and push you around -- since he doesn't want to be with someone who's weak. Your strength is a function of his wish to be with someone strong? That's not strength.
How is waiting around for him to decide whether or not he wants to be with you being strong? Now, you can't MAKE him be with you. But you CAN walk away yourself, whether he wants you to or not.
You say that you two are very compatible and that's why you don't want to lose him. But the kind of doubt he's expressing means that, even if the two of you have similar tastes in food & music, similar religious beliefs and you both want a dog & two kids and a house by the sea, you're not compatible. Because, I assume, you want to have a stable, loving relationship, right? You can't have stability or genuine love with someone who's always eying the door. You won't be able to relax in the relationship; you'll be too busy walking around on eggshells so as not to give him a "reason" to leave. And since your walking around on eggshells, needing constant reassurance from him seems to irritate him (understandable), it's just not going to work.
If you are really strong you will recognize that, right now at least, this guy is NOT suitable for you. Maybe things were fine when the two of you agreed that you didn't want anything too serious. Could it be that, once you started to feel more strongly for him, and wanted more out of the relationship, that you started to tiptoe around him because you realized that he didn't want more?
I have been almost exactly where you are. Two years later, I've only now fully realized the degree to which I held my breath in the relationship with my ex. I always knew that he had doubts. I held my tongue and went along with whatever he wanted so that he'd have the time and space to decide if what I wanted was what he wanted too. Very foolish of me. I wasted a lot of time doing that, and it caused me so much heartache. If I could do it all over again, I would have said "OK, well I'm sorry to hear that you're not sure about what you want. Good luck and I'll see you around." I wish I'd said that and followed through, instead of clinging for dear life to a guy who didn't want to let go of me, but didn't want to be there for me either.
Being strong in your context does not mean suffering for his sake. Being strong means looking after your own needs. It means not allowing him to call the shots. He doesn't want to see you this weekend? Fine. Go do other things; not necessarily things devised to make him jealous, just things that you want to do. Don't wait by the phone. Don't let yourself be held in check by a relationship that your partner has already started to pull out of. You've latched onto the idea of a relationship with HIM ... but I'd bet that what you really want is a relationship that could actually be fulfilling. That fulfilling relationship might well be impossible with him, no matter how good he looks on paper (or in person, for that matter!). If you become fully aware of the discrepencies between what you really want and what you're getting from him, I imagine you'll have far less patience with his chronic doubt.
posted by Midori: You've said that you can be strong and not allow him to manipulate you and push you around -- since he doesn't want to be with someone who's weak. Your strength is a function of his wish to be with someone strong? That's not strength.
I think that's a great observation. If you're really strong, and really want him to know that he can never "persuasively manipulate" you, walk away. By contrast, telling him "I won't put up with being treated badly!" and then allowing him to put you on hold, so you can come back when he's ready and snaps his fingers... well, I think you see how that would make a liar out of you. Don't try to be strong; be strong! Do it because it's the right thing to do, and by far the least painful in the long run. Strength of character isn't something you can fake.
I apologize for the lecturing tone, it's just something I feel strongly about, probably along with everyone else who has been through the process of "walking on eggshells".
Finally, I might point out that his "reasons" for not being with you might not even be real -- he could just be blowing smoke. He might be lying because he's uncomfortable with the truth, or he might feel the truth would hurt you, or perhaps he doesn't even KNOW why he no longer feels comfortable. The only sure thing is that he's not particularly interested anymore. When you distill the issues involved to that one sure-fire fact, your list of options gets narrowed to one.
you guys just gave this girl great advice. I would only be repeating the above.
i do have one spin on the matter. this guy is not really considering leaving you Andee. this is another manipulative game on his part. he has you spinning around like a little top.
he is getting such a kick out of controlling you....you don't even realize it.
run very far away from this mindf&*%. he doesn't deserve you. you said he's not playing games - hah - he's playing the biggest game of all time. trust me - it's been done to me.
I dunno whether anyone else responded to this or not, you said you are a 'perfect match', unfortunately if he also thought the same was as you there wouldnt be a problem in the first place.
There is definately some communication problems here and if the issues can't be talked out then maybe there is no really point pursuing it.
I myself have recently been in a relationship where i felt like me and the guy i was with where a 'perfect match' and surprisingly still do even after he dumped me for another girl who he's still dating.
Just take it as a learning experience, if he feels for you then he will come around, if not there is no point in waiting around for him. Its hurtful, but there is no other way around it.
Well, I was worried he was just being nice and didn't know how to break it off with me however, he is a straight forward person
and will tell you like it is and I gave him the out by telling him I would walk away from this now and he said no so I would think that was his chance. He seems like he knows he gets irritated by the stupid little things and shouldn't but knows he does and it can create arguments-I don't know. By him saying he can be manipulative I think he means persuading people to get his way and you have to stand up to that. Well, he hasn't done it to me yet so how does he know how I would react just by assumption-because I showed weakness? So how can I show him I am stronger since I haven't seen him or spoken to him? He agreed we were good together and on the same plain with what we want in a partner and was happy. He said he wants a serious relationship. His actions showed it. I am not sure what he is doing really-it's confusing. I don't know if this is just that stage where the infatuation wears off and now you make the decision to persue further. If he had any feelings for me-which I could tell he did as everyone else could-would he give up that easily due to the events?
How do I know even though I asked if he is interested in seeing other people, if he was telling me the truth when he said no. Is he just making up a scenario to break up with me for someone else or is this a real issue he is dealing with? Should I go by how he said it when he answered me? Even though he has always been up front, he hasn't been entirely to this point by not telling me something was wrong in the beginning so how do I know he isn't eying someone else and picking at things I do or making up an excuse and letting me down nicely? I then thought, well why would he have called then? He could have just never called anymore or he could have agreed with me when I said we can just end it now if you want and I will be out of your life-you won't see me anymore-he had an easy outlet?
Your concerns sound so similar to my concerns over my last relationship. For you sake i hope it all works out.
Just make sure he understand what kind of relationship you want and hopefully his relationship ideas are the same. If not then there will be further problems.
Perhaps he is seeing other people, perhaps not. Sure give him the benefit of the doubt, but be careful. If you are feeling worried about this then don't let your feelings deepen for him cause that will make the situation worse.
take a step back. try to remove yourself from the situation and pretend that a good friend of yours is telling the same story to you. what advice would you give her?
any guy that wants a few days to think the relationship over...
1) doesn't want it
2) is having fun pulling you in all directions like gumby.
my experience has taught me this about men: if they want you, they want you. there are no questions or hesitations about it. women tend to vascilate (to the point of nausea). wanting someone is a gut reflex.
leave this jerk for a while and see what happens. just be careful when he comes back crying for you. guys like to be the decision maker in getting together and breaking up. rent the movie "singles" and pay attention to the bridget fonda and matt dillon characters.
Thanks for your input everyone. I have also wondered if you can tell by your gut in only a phone conversation, if a person is telling the truth. I felt he was but haven't seen his actions. THis is day 5 I haven't heard from him. Could I have disinterested him that easily with one incident of questioning him over something stupid?
We females normally do question though, don't we? I wasn't harping on anything. I wonder if I opened up about myself too quick-it felt right though because we talked about some personal issues.
The other thing is that we have to exchange some things. Do I give it a few days and just call matter of factly and ask when we can get together to exchange things and not say anything else?
Should I expect it is over and he just won't call. He always has before. I thought if he was just trying to be nice and not hurt my feelings, wouldn't it have been an easy way when I offered it to him by saying, if he wants to break up I will walk away now and be out of your life-and I said it very strongly?
P.S. This guy gazed at me like Patrick Swayze did to Jennifer Gray in Dirty Dancing. My girlfriends were like, "you never saw the way he looked at you-he was in Awe." He told me he was so drawn to me like he never was with anyone before and never felt like he was falling for someone so quickly. He said he was so infatuated with me (is that good or bad?).
IMHO, you need to beware of those guys who fall all gaga in love so quickly. (This may be true of women too, but I don't have experience with that.)
People who fall in love really fast often get off on the drug-like euphoria of the whirlwind, but quickly tire of it once it all becomes mundane.
Probably the only way you could get him to chase you again would be for you to fall in love with someone else. It's like they can sense this via telepathy or something. Then, they wanna stir up the drama again, because they get off on it.
Don't call him at all. There's nothing you can do. It may be that he really just needs time. The only thing you can do is give him an opportunity to miss you. If he doesn't, then he doesn't.
As for exchanging your stuff, I doubt it's anything you need just now. Wait a while - the longer the better - and if you actually need the stuff, then ask him for it back via email. Be polite about it, as if there were nothing the matter.
For now, do all you can to feel good about yourself. Exercise, get a haircut (nothing drastic or crazy!), and make an effort to go out with friends.
The next time a guy tries to sweep you off your feet, force him to slow down. I've never heard of a truly smitten man lose interest because a woman wouldn't see him all the time, talk to him on the phone for hours every night, or was busy having her own happy and interesting life. Instead, most men seem to really like it...
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Can I Turn This Around?
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