[Rilke-boy]

Hi All,

I hope this message finds everyone well.

Well, I've hit the two-month mark of my break-up with my ex-girlfriend, and I'd say that things are definitely better than they were. I'm sorting out
what really happened, and I think it's become quite clear. I was on medication while we were dating that reduced my anxiety about stuff, psychotic stuff, particularly being a truthful person. I had lied a lot in the past, and the result of that was when I chose to stop lying about stuff, I was worried that everything that came out of my mouth had to be true, so I spent a great deal of time worrying that everything that I said to her was 100% true. I soon became accustomed to life's little imperfections, and am now comfortable with everything that comes out of my mouth. This happened during our relationship. And while it was a huge step for me, apparently it came too late, because she decided to break up with me roughly a month after all of this. What my therapist says is that the fact that I chose to come off the medication while I was dating this girl was probably one of the reasons why she couldn't handle the intensity of the relationship. I am now back on medication, tho it is a minimal dose of Zyprexa, an atypical antipsychotic. It's fine for the time being, tho I don't expect to take it for the rest of my life and my therapist says that he sees no reason that I should be taking it for the rest of my life. I just have a lot of stuff to work through, related to a hospitalization for delusions. My mom threatened to poison my food, and that was enough to send me over the edge. She's probably a latent psychotic herself. So that's the back story. That happened in February of 2001.

I don't know whether or not I want her back. I doesn't seem to be an option right now, and in fact, I'd say that I'm no longer physically attracted to her. Her butt is too big, to be honest. It was one of those things that I was willing to tolerate during the relationship, because I thought she was the one, but I think that what was also going on was that I was making too many concessions to this girl because she came along at a point in my life where I was going through something big, and since she witnessed it and supported me through it for part of the time (thought I would say that I made sure that she only dealt with the stuff that she was supposed to deal with most of the time, not stuff that my therapist was supposed to deal with, and that I was making my best effort to make sure that she only dealt with the stuff that she was supposed to deal with, and that I was still in the learning phase when we broke up and then I became comfortable with everything that came out of my mouth, which obviated the need for that anyway), I assigned increased value to the relationship. As in, she was the girl who had supported me through this, who had believed in me during the most difficult period of my life, pretty much, and therefore could be the one I could spend the rest of my life with.

So that's the rub. I guess my real question here is about coping strategies. I've now gotten to the point where whenever I think about her and wince inwardly, I just tell myself that I was in love with an idea more than a reality. Which is the truth; I think that my vision was clouded by the events that I discussed before. So are there any suggestions out there for any other coping strategies?

I sent her a letter about a month ago via email, so maybe she hasn't received it, but I thought I would share it with all of you. Maybe she hasn't gotten it yet, but I wish she would answer. Maybe it's just that I want some sort of contact. Maybe it is that I want her back. I've forgotten what she looks like. I saw this girl walking down the street the other day with her build and her blonde hair, and my heart flopped down into my stomach. I know I need to move on, but I can't make myself think that if she came up to me tomorrow and said that she wanted to work things out, I wouldn't give her a chance. Sometimes I think that this big butt thing is just some sort of excuse, some sort of revenge. Against her for breaking up with me. I thought she was beautiful when I first met her, but I never got a good look at her body before we became involved in a relationship. I don't understand what's happening to me. I love her and hate her at the same time. I think of her in the good moments (tho there were few, since they were so fraught with anxiety most of the time). I think of her in bed. I still masturbate and think about her. So, she is indelibly printed in my mind.

She was also irrational. When I asked her why I couldn't be an emotional constant in her life when she had to make a big decision about her career and the rest of her life in terms of moving, she just told me that she didn't know, that maybe she was scared. That's the best answer she could give me. If I had decided to end the relationship, that would've been fine. But the fact that she decided to end the relationship without a rational reason really bothers me. She said that she felt in her gut that she didn't like me any more romantically. I always say that there's a difference between what you feel in your gut and in your heart. Other people tell me that there's no difference, but I say that the gut is instinct, while the heart is the union of instinct and intellect. And that's what I felt for this girl. Heart. It was the first time that I ever looked at a girl and felt like my heart was broken in two and then the thought flashed into my head: "The rest of my life with her." So besides the fact that she said that she was having trouble dealing with anxiety, there was this x-factor, this irrational element to her decision. I told her that I was running out of patience right before we broke up, and I was ready to give her two more days at that point for us to start discussing things or we would have to break up. I don't understand it. I improved myself greatly for this girl, this #$%#%^&^%&*%&* (see my anger? Those are expletives deleted. I feel such a strange combination of love and hate), and she walks out on me?

So, I don't know. Here's the letter I sent to her. The only thing I've changed are the names to protect identities:

Dear Cassandra,

I emailed Cleopatra a while ago to make sure that you were doing O.K., and she said that you were in transition in every way possible, but that she thought that you were doing better than you had been doing this spring and the fall before that. It made me happy to hear that. So, I want to say that though I am still experiencing feelings of anger toward you and toward what happened between us, I am glad that you are undertaking that all-important journey of self-discovery. My thoughts are with you in that transitional, tumultuous, but ultimately rewarding time.

I'm reading a book by Joseph Campbell right now called "The Hero With a Thousand Faces" (I think I told you a bit about him once), and in it he speaks about how we are all the heroes in our own lives, and how we all go through certain processes of initiation in our lives, and pass into different stages in our lives. There was a quote which I found particularly apt for your situation, in a section named "The Call to Adventure": "But whether small or great, and no matter what the stage or grade of life, the call [to adventure] rings up the curtain, always, on a mystery of transfiguration - a rite, or moment, of spiritual passage, which, when complete, amounts to a dying and birth. The familiar life horizon has been outgrown; the old concepts, ideals, and emotional patterns no longer fit; the time for the passing of a threshold is at hand."

So that's it, just a bit of unsolicited advice. I still care for you very much, and i hope that you are on the road to happiness and actually, I hope that you've realized that the road to happiness is happiness itself, because that's what i've realized.

Love,
Rilke

I would love to hear from her. Maybe I would take her back. I haven't even heard back from her with this email, and I sent it on July 31. She was supposedly travelling around some area that I don't want to disclose, and then going to maybe live with her brother. Do you guys think I should ask a friend of hers where she is? My fear is that I will subconsciously try to follow her, because I tried to before when we were about to break up. She was saying that she wanted to leave the place where we were both living, and I told her that I would follow her if I could, and she said that she though that she didn't want me to follow her or that she didn't want me to follow her (one of the two; don't remember which). She was having bad migraines, so that's why she wanted to leave. That hurt so much, to hear that she didn't want me to follow her. I get the sense sometimes that she wasn't being completely straightforward with me about stuff, that she was perhaps softening the blow, that she really wanted to break up with me because of my mental illness completely. She broke up with me over the phone, which I found to be disrespectful. And tacky. So disrespectful.

So what do I do now? Just wait for her answer. The last thing I want to be is the harassing ex-boyfriend. i just want her to be happy, but I get the sense that we could've been so happy together. I guess I just need more therapy, but honestly, I feel like I'm at point in my life where I'm more confident than I've ever been. So what's the point of letting therapy get in the way of a relationship? I understand that the two can ride in tandem, so I suppose that the better question is, how can I prove to this girl that I'm much better? I'd even be willing to go long-distance with her. It's not like I have the plague or something; I will get better. These moments are of weakness, tho, I think sometimes, that if she were to come up to me and say that she wanted to try things again, then I would just meet her with a cold stare and not be interested in her. I just feel like I really have to see her to know, to really say good-bye or hello. I don't know. But there's something about physical presence, the warmth of it, which is so important to me. So that's the issue. Maybe I just need a proper good-bye. Do you guys feel that it was unfair of her to break up with me over the phone? Do you feel that I'm entitled to a proper good-bye? I hate this. OK, I'll cut it short - ha ha. short. that's funny. Thanks for reading, and thanks in advance for any help. Rilke-boyee