[taintedsoul]

I have been jealous generally as long as I can remember. I was 'chubby' at school and just frowned about it and thought the world was against me, that nothing was fair and I had generally been given the short straw in life. I was bullied for being 'fatty' and all that.

I lost my mother at the age of two. And my dad did a good job of bringing me up, but over the years it's clear that I'm very different to others, never having that mother to well be motherly. My dad is a straight forward fellow and I have always been an emotional sensitive soul, bluntly I got little reassurance from my father.

I guess I choose to laugh or make people laugh sometimes to hide what's beneath, a massive sheild. Making people laugh and smile makes me feel warm inside, when I try and fail I feel awful and self doubted.

I can't help comparing myself to people - whether they're better looking than me, have better jobs, more money, more success. I rarely look at what I have got - which is a good bunch of friends, a trustworthy father and a wonderful girlfriend.

I find it incredibly hard to let people 'in' due to previous relationships - half of them cheated and I found out, one told me, the other a friend of the partner did - which brutally wrecked my general trust for people somewhat. OBVIOUSLY this is not what everyone is like, but it just bites me sometimes.

I've never really talked in depth about this to anyone. I told a close friend when I was a teenager and we grew apart, and I later found out that such 'secrets' where spread by him and was massively embarrassing for me.

Every relationship I've had has been tainted by the 'getting to know' stage being lovely and wonderful (when everythings fresh and new, and you have no reason for paranoid/jealous thoughts) to generally steady and happy, but unpredictable outbursts of negativity from me directed at my partner.

When I feel a bit low, i.e. I've had a bit of a bad week and I'm not reassured that I'm a good person, etc. I can go in to a thought process where I worry that other blokes will be more desirable than me, and steal my girlfriend from me, that my girlfriend (current and past) grow ever more distant from me in fear of my un-called for outbursts of negativity. i.e. WHY have you been talking to that guy on facebook? - When it's done I know it's going to cause grief, and I dislike myself for doing it straight away. I guess I feel needy too when I'm in a lull (every couple of months say), which is not pleasant for any lady. I make partners feel restricted and that they are walking on egg shells in fear of upsetting my sensitive emotions.

Deep down I KNOW my current girlfriend is trustworthy, feels very strongly for me, loves me - but my actions will end this and will every other partner I may or may not have in my life.

I'm not sure whether to go to my doctor as they tend to prescribe 'happy pills' that I would feel guilty taking as it's a bit of a cop out and isn't truly dealing with the problem.

I did a lot of thinking at the weekend and visited my Mothers grave (which I tend to when I can't find an answer). I've come to the conclusion that I am tainted and feel so outcast due to never having a motherly figure in my life at all, my self esteem is easily tarnished when someone is doing 'better' than me at something.

I'm a level headed guy, am confident and relatively content in my working life, and I enjoy the company of my friends and loved ones. BUT this 'monster' keeps appearing and I don't know how to fight him away for good.

Any advice would be greatfully received. If there are any questions that might help me further if answered, I'd be happy to do so.

Thank you.