Ex won't leave me alone

[IcemanJB]

I'm writing this just to get my thoughts out somewhere, feel free to comment!

 

We broke up October 9th. She doesn't talk about it much to others, but she's best friends with my sister (and my sister is like my best friend so it's been a weird situation...), but she told my sis that it was mutual. The way I see it, she broke up with me. I wrote a thread awhile back (when I was a complete mess) explaining in detail. Basically we never had any problems, no red flags or anything; and randomly one day she came over in tears and wanted a breakup, but couldn't bring herself to say it. I had to tell her it's over and to get her stuff and leave. Mind you, I had NO idea that was going to happen that day. That was the hardest thing I've done in my life.

 

She came over a week after that, an even bigger mess than she was during the breakup, and she was being super confusing as to why she wanted the breakup, but at the same time there was no doubt she didn't want to break up. Confusing huh? Since then I have not initiated a text or meet up once; it's all been her. She came over again a few weeks ago, and I basically spilled my guts to her because of the hell I went through. I told her it was not fair to me that she kept saying "I want to be with you" DURING THE BREAKUP. She said she was in a complete mess the first couple weeks, but finally started to see why she needed to break up. She said she didn't know the reasons at the time of the breakup, but now sees it's because she just simply doesn't want a boyfriend right now. I've heard that BS before and the girl is seeing another guy within 3 weeks (she isn't seeing anyone at the moment). I'm not sure if I believe her or not, but maybe I just shouldn't care!

 

My sister invited me to the bar on Thursday, and I NEVER go out on Thursdays but for some reason I don't know why, I crawled out of bed and went there. She didn't mention my ex was there. I chatted with some girls I had just met and pretty much ignored my ex until I was leaving; I walked up to her and I saw her get SUPER nervous like she was going to faint or something (like she did when we were first dating). I just said hi and gave her a hug and left. She couldn't even look me in the eye. 3 minutes later as I'm walking home, she texts me saying "I went out after you but you walk too fast." I asked her what she wanted and she wanted to talk. At that point I was feeling better about the breakup, so I thought why not. We talked for about 30 minutes outside the bar (we were both sober). As usual, we were able to talk and have fun. She mentioned that I ignored a few of her texts in the past couple weeks and it made her sad. I told her "cry me a river, last time I checked we weren't dating." Then I jokingly said "maybe if you send me a good enough one this weekend I'll respond". She laughed and I can make her laugh whenever I feel, so it works well when I'm trying to drive home a point. Sure enough she texted me last night.

 

Basically I'm feeling kinda crappy again about the whole thing, and I'm willing to bet it's because of the contact. I miss her a ton still, but I haven't acted like a total jackass or cry baby in front of her. I HATE going through this, but I love talking to her because of the amazing connection we have. I'd love to be her friend but I can't right now because there are obviously still feelings there. I'm still vowing not to initiate anything with her since the ball is in HER court. She broke up with me. I've also told my sister I'm not going to wait around for the ex.

 

Should I simply tell her to leave me alone? I was under the impression she had moved on, but judging by Thursday night that might not be the case...I was almost entirely moved on before that night...

[juegosdeseduccion]

Well, I went through something similar, the only difference is that I broke up with her and when I realized how stupid I was being she rejected me, I love her, and I always will, at first I tried to stay away, but she would always text me, or try to send me emails etc. The best thing for me was to know it was over, that feeling in your head that there is still something there kills us slowly, I told her to leave me alone, to let me heal, I loved her too much to see her, it would just hurt me, we had an amazing connection, we were passionate, romantic, funny, so seeing her would just bring me back to that pain, a few weeks back, the day before my birthday she wanted to spend the day with me, I agreed and we had an amazing time, we laughed we played around, just like before, we tried not to talk about the relationship but it happened, she said it was too late for us, which is something i wanted to accept but it was a bit difficult hearing it directly from her, I kept trying to move on, but after that day, she continued talking to me, she would call me, text me, just wanted me to see her. I did, and it just hurt me more.

 

My advice to you, as a guy who has been through something like that is to always know that most girls don't know what they want until is gone, whatever reason she had for breaking it off, most likely wasn't exactly what was in her heart, just what was in her head, she is not over you, seeing you hurts her just as much as it hurts you, because she cannot let go of something that at some point made her happier than anything before, you just have to think to yourself how much is it worth it to pursue this relationship? how much are you willing to give up in sense of pride in honor to love someone? and the most important, do you love her enough to take all that s@#$? because you will.

[Dmoney28]

Oh yeah, i know exactly where you are comming from. My ex txt'd me, called me and e-mailed me 2 days after break-up. Even today she intiates the contact...this is 3 months later. So i believe women in certain situations dont know exactly what they want. I f'd up major...i mean really f'd up. But she still loved me. I guess it was a struggle about letting me go or not being able to stop loving me...i guess, still not too sure. But like the other poster said. She hasnt fully made up her mind. And if you still love her....are you willing to be set back emotionally each time she contacts you? Its almost like getting a small injury. You recieve the injury..it hurts..then you heal. You recieve the injury again...it hurts, but not as bad as it did the first time. This goes on until eventuall the healing between injuries is reduced greatly. Our exes contact us....we feel bad because they dont say what they want....they contact us a few days later, and we feel bad....but not as bad as the first time...and so on and so on....lol, that sthe best way i can describe it. I'm in a situation where the ball is in her court, she's hitting 3 pointers and monster slams....all i can do is sit on the side lines and hopes she passes me the ball soon....cuz its no fun watching and not playing.

[IcemanJB]

Juego, thanks for you response. I actually sent her an email about 30 minutes ago saying not to contact me until I do first because I'm not quite ready yet. She responded immediately saying she's glad I said something and was really glad we talked Thursday. She said she's not over it yet either and understands completely why I need to do this. She keeps apologizing for the breakup too and I almost lost it reading that email...and that sucks because I'm at school working on a project haha.

 

thanks again for your responses guys. It was hard sending that email, but sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do.

[juegosdeseduccion]

I assume she was happy just at the fact that you were thinking about her, just to know that, even if it wasn't something great, you still talked her. but you did a great job. I wish I would've done that sooner. I hope she doesn't randomly realized that you move on a little bit everyday, and you become a bit numb everyday.

 

I want to tell you what happened with me after I said what you said to her.

 

Finally I had become so tired of all the pain, frustration, and distrust that I had, I told her what you said, I said please let me heal, let me move on, I will always love you, but don't talk to me until I talk to you, because then we can be ok, maybe be friends or something, she called me 2 days later crying, saying that she loved me, she needed me, that she didn't want me to go away, she asked me to give her 3 days, I did, and she came back, we are back together for a week now, working on our issues, but hopefully building everything stronger than before.

 

Good luck my friend. just remember no one is responsible for your happiness but you. fallow your heart. love is worth all the s***, if its true love.

[IcemanJB]

Wow that's an awesome story! I'm not going to get my hopes up for anything, because a part of me deep down believes what she said during the breakup (kind of personal issues she needs to deal with). I'm usually very skeptical with women, but for some reason I trust and believe her, and the BEST thing to do is let go and move on. She ended her email saying to contact her as soon as I'm ready...

 

I care for her deeply and hope she figures it out, but I honestly think it will be months before I'm ready to talk to her. Knowing she's still struggling with it tears me up because I want her to deal with her issues...ok, I'll stop blabbing.

[juegosdeseduccion]

lol no babble all you want! This is what might happened, I don't know you guys at all, but as speculations go, she is gonna be hurt now that you have finally set your head on something. now that you have finally worked hard on compensating on your self and take care of YOU, just asked yourself, if she runs towards you will you catch her? will you be her lover again? if you will, then fix your heart, like I said, you will be a bit numb everyday, but your heart will never let go, she wants you to be happy, and thats all that matters, When I said those things to her, I knew it was gonna be months before I talked her, but that was it. I just couldn't do it anymore. and she came back.

 

ALWAYS EXPECT FOR THE WORST! because if the worst happened you will be able to take it. and if it doesn't well then you have surprised yourself.

 

She does have issues, but you do as well. hurting you is tering her apart, she needs to fix her issues, just as much as you. and you are in the right direction.

 

My story is long i just summarized what happened. I always expected the worst. and I surprised my self. anything is possible, Love is always possible. in any situation.

[IcemanJB]

Well just for reference, here's the email and her response.

 

"It was really good to see you thursday too but I totally understand. I'm glad you said something. I want you to know I'm not totally over it either so you shouldn't feel lame its normal I'm pretty sure. Sorry again for the millionth time I still feel awful. Take time you can contact me whenever you're ready. Hope you have a good thanksgiving and I will enjoy my tofu ha

------Original Message------

From: [ME]

To: [HER]

Subject:

Sent: Nov 23, 2008 1:27 PM

 

I hate to have to write this, but I need to do it. First, it was really nice seeing you on Thursday. It seems like you're fine with talking and whatnot, and you're doing much better and I'm really really glad you are, but I'm not at that point quite yet. Much better than I was a few weeks ago, but I need more time. Yes I realize it's kind of lame considering it's been over a month and a half. Anyways, feel free to respond to this, but please don't contact me for awhile after that; I'll contact you. I just want to make sure it's said that I'm not mad at your or hate you in any way, I'm just doing this for myself. I hope your Turkey Day goes well! Well, whatever it is you eat in place of turkey...tofurkey or something nasty like that..."

 

Why does this have to suck so bad? I really hope this was the right thing to do...

[juegosdeseduccion]

It sucks because you don't want to this...I never wanted to let go, I cant tell you to do such a thing, but for your well being...its the best, she has to be indifferent because she can't let you know what she feels, that would give you some kinda advantage and the ball is in her court right now, do what you have to do feel better, what makes me smile, and laugh, and think about her, but always know that she is most likely thinking about you when you are thinking about her, it is perfectly normal for this to be what happens, no matter what...you have to be ok...do you want her back? I don't think you have answered this question lol but its important.

 

This is the right thing to do...I held the phone in my hand...about to tell her that I will talk to her I will be there forever...it just hurt me.

 

Just wait! you might surprise yourself.

 

It sucks...and it will always suck, but you'll be a bit numb everyday, trust me.

[Dmoney28]

i can really appretiate your guy's post and dialogue back and forth. I am in a similar situation. I have to give my ex time to heal, as well as myself. Its been 3 months after the break up. She suggested the NC...but she has never stuck with it. Its hard to let go when people still have a deep love for each other. She says she dosent want to reconcile, but she is afraid when i tell her we eventually have to let go and move on. I asked her several times...and she keeps telling me no, i want to talk to you. Women have a really hard time battling thier heart and mind. So its like im in this weird self caused limbo. Waiting for her to make a final choice. And juegos is right, you get a little more numb to it every day. But it does suck. But in your case, it will kinda force her to make a final choice to be with you or not. So during this time you have to prepare for the worst. And kinda scilence that nagging hope. I wish the best for you. I would trade places with your situation in heartbeat. I messed up bad, so i have LC with her. She needs me at this time to show i really did/do love her.

And i have to make small efforts here and there to show change, remorse and trust. Its a long road....very long and painful one, and most likely it wont end in rainbow and sunshines. So i am preparing myself emotionally and mentally when it dosent work out. Either way i learned so much about myself during this time apart. Dosent help with the random conversations laced with guilt trips, midnight pic txt of how we "used" to be, and songs regarding relationships that possibly survive the trials and tribulations. But anyway, i liked this post....and i wish the both you good luck either way....stay strong.

[juegosdeseduccion]

Yeah man, I'm sorry you are there, this is a horrible time, all of our confidence, our hope, our security goes at the window, what makes us has to be the ultimate trial and error, just like you said, the only way is to force the other person to make a decision is just to make one your self. the universe will unfold it self. and that's when the real answer will come. just be strong...be the man! never throw that out the window.

[IcemanJB]

...you have to be ok...do you want her back? I don't think you have answered this question lol but its important.

 

I guess I never said if I wanted her back or not because I really don't know. My brain says "she hurt you, BAD, why would you want to trust her again?" My heart says otherwise; she's by far the funniest, smartest, best-looking girl I've ever dated. It's such a confusing mess right now that I think her constantly contacting me wasn't allowing me to step aside and see things clearly. I also sent that email because I believe she needs time to figure out her own issues right now, and us talking was stopping that as well.

 

Now I am/have been preparing for the worst. If we don't end up together, I want to be in a position to be her friend (that hurts so much to say). Her "friends" from back home (Chicago) have been pretty awful to her since she started going to school here in WI. When we were dating she constantly had issues with them because basically they're extremely self-centered drama queens/kings, and she simply isn't. I hate patting myself on the back but she needs better, closer friends up here. My sister is one, but I want to eventually be there for her too.

 

We've been very understanding with each other since the breakup, or at least tried to; I honestly would not have done anything different with her since I met her, and I don't regret dating her in the least bit. I've never been able to say that about a girl before. I guess I just had to be the man and make sure we're both able to move on or figure our crap out!

 

Oh, and you guys are awesome!

[Dmoney28]

congratualtions bro, looks like you got your head on your shoulders. When/if you guys get back into a romantic relationship, it will be so much stronger. All the Crap you guys went through, the time apart, the healing should make you guys a pretty tough couple.....and if it dosent work out, you made the right choice for giving her time to get better. Bravo to you sir

[IcemanJB]

Thanks D! I'm not sure you know how much that helps me over here!

[missdependant]

she's by far the funniest, smartest, best-looking girl I've ever dated.

 

That means that you are proggressing in life. And it means that you have always done better and the chances of you finding something better is high. I'm not saying to go out and look, but when that opportunity does come up (even if it's years), you won't regret it. You'll see how much better you've done for yourself..

 

I'm going through the same thing. Only, I left my boyfriend. He cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship with his ex-girlfriend and also answered personal ads from the "casual encounters" section of craigslist (the one night stand section). I left him last night after being with him for close to a year, and considering leaving him for about a month. Before I found these things out, it was the best relationship I could ever hope for. Cheating aside, I was treated like a princess and I have never been happier before in my life.

 

The last month has been an absolute nightmare. I've been contemplating leaving him, and last night I finally made it official that we are done. I'm completely heartbroken and don't know that I'll get over him, but I know that in ways he was 100% better than my exes. Meaning, there is a big possibility that I can do better at some point and move on when the time permits. He wants to talk to me and be my friend.. but I can't do it right now, I need to make time for ME and he is no longer my responsibility.

 

I guess I'm confused, because I don't know if I should have broken up with him for something he did wrong 8 months ago, and I'm just now finding out about. He hasn't done anything wrong since these times (at least as far as I know), but it still hurts SOOO so much to know that I put so much time, energy and love into him when he didn't even think it was good enough. Instead, he was looking for love in different places. COMPLETELY unfair on his part. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I want to maintain contact and never be away from him. Parts of me tell me that he has changed. Other parts tell me that I'll never trust him the way I should.

 

So I don't know if I should have left him. But I guess the only way to find out is by leaving him and trying to move on.

 

Good luck with this, and reading this was helpful for me. It's good to know I'm not the only one struggling with this, and I wish you the best; love definitely brings out the highest highs and the lowest lows. This being an EXTREME low.

[Trialbyfire]

Her "friends" from back home (Chicago) have been pretty awful to her since she started going to school here in WI. When we were dating she constantly had issues with them because basically they're extremely self-centered drama queens/kings, and she simply isn't.

Whoah, whoah, whoah! This is usually a red flag. It appears to me that she's causing you A LOT of drama right now. Step back from your emotions and think about this.

 

People who are being rejected by their circle of friends are usually rejected for a reason.

[Dmoney28]

I dont mean to hijack the thread. But i think my situation is the same as yours...but i'm your boyfriend. I had a one night stand, and i did keep in contact with my ex (although we never had sex). My GF found out, and she was so hurt and upset. We have been together for 3 years. She dumped me, as she should have. Over the past 3 months we have had almost daily contact in one way or another. I cant tell you how much i hurt...because i brought this pain in her life. I have done everything i could to show her i was sorry and remorseful. I sent dozens of apology e-mails, Craigslist apology posting, letters. I gave back everything expensive she bought for as gifts. I see a Psycholgist twice a month to address my issues as well as support groups and couselling, as well as religeon. I sat through alot of her angry guilt laced conversations, and assured her it wasnt her fault. I told her whatever she needs from me, just let me know. I honestly made a 180 turn in my life for the positive. I feel like a diffrent person, learned so much about myself. I'm not ashamed to say i still get very emotional when i think about what i did, and how i hurt her. I just want her to better, with or without me. she has intiated all contact, as i respect her time and space. I ask her if its better to not talk...and she always says she wants to talk and keep contact. She has the rollercoaster emotions of angery and bitter at me one day....then we talk as if normal, using pet names etc. I know she stills cares for me as i do her. The last thing she sent me was a txt msg pic, of me and our dog.....asking me do i remember this?...this was 2 days ago....she asked me to listen anthony hamiltons "i cry" song......any insight, or perspective as to what you might think is going to through her mind...i would be so grateful. We have been broken up for 3 months now

[IcemanJB]

Whoah, whoah, whoah! This is usually a red flag. It appears to me that she's causing you A LOT of drama right now. Step back from your emotions and think about this.

 

People who are being rejected by their circle of friends are usually rejected for a reason.

 

 

Quite the contrary. We both have said we HATE drama, so we don't allow it to enter our lives. She hated talking about the drama her friends were causing her, but I would occassially ask her to explain a bit and give her advice. This was happening before we started dating. She even mentioned when we talked on Thursday that they're still being jackasses and I pretty much said "yeah I hate drama, don't want to hear it" and she said she didn't want to talk about it anyway. I believe though, that this is one of the things she needs to get straightened out. She's VERY attached to her home/neighborhood/friends in Chicago, and she'd feel guilty about not putting up with their **** because she's known them all since she was very young. That's not my problem though, and I've said that to her.

 

She was very good about not putting petty issues like that on me. Anyways, this is besides the point...

 

missdependant, in my book it's "once a cheater, always a cheater". I've been cheated on, and I simply don't put up with it AT ALL. The moment I hear about it, bye bye. Maybe I should be a little more forgiving, but oh well.

 

I think you did the right thing breaking up with him. He'll decide very quickly what he wants if you don't have any contact with him.

[missdependant]

I dont mean to hijack the thread. But i think my situation is the same as yours...but i'm your boyfriend....

 

 

Her situation sounds similar to my side here.. imagine these thoughts going through her head, because this is exactly how I feel after something very similar.

 

Part of me wants to pull away. I don't trust him, and I'm SO heartbroken, distraught and downright crushed by what he did. He was dishonest with me, and no matter what he tells me, I won't believe him even if he is telling the truth. To me, it feels like anything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. I always fear the worst when he goes out. I can't stand the paranoia and feeling like I'm never be anything but second place.

 

When I think about certain things I never want to think of him EVER again. I don't want to see him, hear his voice, know he exists, I regret all of the love, time and energy I put into our relationship.. I wish I'd never met him! I put EVERYTHING I had into our relationship from DAY ONE. And what was he doing while I was trying to put forth all of the effort I had? He was looking for a one night stand, and cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend.

 

During the times that I really miss him, I contact him and spend time with him. I don't know if I'm playing him, and it sounds messed up, but I no longer care. He's making the choice to come over when I ask him to. He knows we aren't in a relationship, and he knows that we probably won't ever be again. He knows that if something better comes along I will pursue it. He says he wants to prove how much he loves me, but I feel like he's a little late getting there. Mostly, I'm weening myself away from him.

 

I don't know if he's an addiction, but he's comparable to a drug for me. When I'm high, I can't feel the ground and my head is in the clouds.. I feel HAPPY. But that doesn't mean he's good for me; especially in large doses. After spending enough time away from him, I withdraw.. I feel like I need more. I can't function without him. I'm addicted, and I allow him to destroy my mentality and turn me paranoid and crazy.

 

The best thing I can do is ween myself away the same way addicts recover.. One step at a time, spending less and less time with him until I can finally completely turn around and find my footing on my own.

[Trialbyfire]

Quite the contrary. We both have said we HATE drama, so we don't allow it to enter our lives. She hated talking about the drama her friends were causing her, but I would occassially ask her to explain a bit and give her advice. This was happening before we started dating. She even mentioned when we talked on Thursday that they're still being jackasses and I pretty much said "yeah I hate drama, don't want to hear it" and she said she didn't want to talk about it anyway. I believe though, that this is one of the things she needs to get straightened out. She's VERY attached to her home/neighborhood/friends in Chicago, and she'd feel guilty about not putting up with their **** because she's known them all since she was very young. That's not my problem though, and I've said that to her.

 

She was very good about not putting petty issues like that on me. Anyways, this is besides the point...

No, it's not besides the point. Your g/f claims she doesn't like drama and yet her friends are drama filled and now, you're experiencing drama. People say things but many times don't really understand what makes them tick.

[missdependant]

Also, as far as her sending the picture and song, she probably knew it would affect you the way it did. I'd assume she wants you to hurt the same way she does. She is sharing her heartbreak with you. If you were together for three years, I'd assume you shared a lot together.. and this shouldn't be discounted. Healing after a breakup is as much a part of the relationship as everything else was.

[Dmoney28]

thank you missdependent. I really apprtiate your reply. Once again i apologize for hijacing the thread. Now i can fully understand the scope of hurt i created to cause this pain in her heart. Here is my post if you care to read it

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t169119/

 

I know nothing can bring back the trust of the relationship. I had tried and show her anything i could do to prove my love....and i was remorsefull from my actions. I sent apology e-mails, Craigslist apolgy postings (missed connections), flowers, aplogy letters, tree carving apologies, aplogy viedos, you tube videos. I am seeing a psychologist twice a month as well as couselling for the past 3 months. I gave her back every expensive gift she bought. I respected her space and time. We have almost dailiy contact intiated by her. I sat through numerous angry phone calls, and i assured her it wasnt her fault. I helped her with whatever she needed...includung help finding her stolen stuff after her car was broken into...as well as checking on her place when she was out of town. I know these things dont meant squat compared to the trust bond i broke. And like your boyfriend i relaize we arnt getting back together. She told me, if it wernt so black and white....she would have never left me. A month ago, i thought to myself....do i really love her the way i say. Then a scripture came to mind that i learned....1cor 13: 4-7 . Love dosent look out for its own intrest, does not behave indecently, love is long suffering ...and endure all things.

 

And i broke out into tears, because i was not believing and feeling those things when i cheated. I realize now more than ever that i do. But of course its too late. I f'd up, and i have to live with that. Thank you for your perspective on this. I can now better empathize with ny EX now. I learned so much about myself, and how i need to treasure people and relationships. I think i hurt more because of what i caused to her life, rather than not being in her life anymore. In the begining we were so much in love.....and i let my personal issues and inseurities change my attitude. All i know is after this life altering expreience i can never do this to myself, or anyone else. At this point if i get another chance or not...it dosent matter, as long as she has healed. i know the day is comming when she stops calling or txting. And i know i have to move on at that point. Its just hard to not having that person....knowing you're the reason why.

 

thanks again missdependent, i wish the best for you

[missdependant]

thank you missdependent. I really apprtiate your reply. Once again i apologize for hijacing the thread. Now i can fully understand the scope of hurt i created to cause this pain in her heart. Here is my post if you care to read it

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t169119/...

 

I don't know that it's possible to rebuild trust WHILE in a relationship with each other.

 

I feel like being away from him will give me the chance to see whether or not he's changing for the better. It's sort of like when you're a kid and you don't know you're growing.. you CAN'T see that you're growing with your eyes naked. You have to mark your height on a wall, leave it for a while and come back to it later.. THEN you can see that you've grown.

 

To me it's sort of the same way with this relationship. I've tried DAMN hard to see him change, and I want to believe that he has. But if I'm with him every day. How can I really tell whether or not he's changed?

 

Trust is the trickiest part of any relationship and either make or break it. You have to be faithful and more importantly, you have to be honest. Knowing that you've been trustworthy, while the other was out cheating and looking for different things is hurtful regardless of how many times it happened, when it happened or who it happened with. I've come to realize that I can't deal with feeling like second place in his life. I put nothing but love, faith, honesty, time and energy into our relationship from day one.. and he can't say that he was doing the same. It makes me feel stupid, and finally the day came when I had to stop and ask myself, "what I was doing? This guy has damaged me and I'm finally breaking down.." and I was. I was laying on the floor, my heart was pounding, my breathing was heavy, I was cold and sweaty, my mouth was dry, I was shaking, my mind was flooded with negative thoughts about our relationship. And finally, I decided I needed to get out of there.

 

I shouldn't allow myself to be degraded or mistreated. If I'm going to have respect for myself I'm going to make it apparent. So I left him. I miss him. I hate sleeping in an empty bed and not having someone to go to with these emotions, but each day that I deal with them on my own I feel stronger.

 

If I am ever going to be with him again, it is going to be when my trust doesn't feel broken or damaged. We will start over new and leave this all behind. We'll still have the good memories from this relationship, sure. But we won't be dwelling on what has happened this time around. I am not going to wait around for him. I'm not going to pursue new relationships for a long time, but when and if something better comes along, you better bet your ass I'm gonna take the opportunity. If during this time he moves on, it will give me the incentive to move on as well. If at some point, we can reconcile and compromise with our differences, I will take that opportunity. I'm leaving my options wide open to new and better things.

 

Thank you for the advice Dmoney, as it has made me more open to what possibilities may arise. I hope to someday be with him again, as I felt a connection with him that was deeper than any before. Your girl probably shares the same feelings you do.. I'm sure she misses you and this is just as painful for her. I'm sure she wishes you could be together, but not under the circumstances that she is so damaged by your actions. Give her time to heal.

 

And on a side note, maybe she's keeping you around her finger for a reason and when she's ready to talk with you in deep conversation again she will..

 

If she feels like she can never get past this.. just make sure you're keeping your options available.

 

Thanks again, and I am glad I could have helped you a little bit.

[Dmoney28]

Thank you again for the reply. The way you descibed the feeling after you felt your trust and love shatter....man, it just opened my eyes so much wider to how she is feeling. Earning trust like a vase "easy to break...difficult to repair". Something as bad as cheating takes alot of time...alot of time to fix, if it can be. And you are so right, you cant see if anyone has changed, unless you are away from them and the relationship for a extended amount of time. I guess if each person has time apart for self discovery,healing and growth and if they ever met and talked, the relationship could grow back over time...possibly stronger.

 

I have 2 friends who got back together right after he cheated. Not even 2 weeks passed. Nothing ever was resolved, nothing really was talked about...no one had time to heal or change negative behaviour and thinking. Trust was never rebuit. They fight all the time...all the time. Very bad situation. So i guess it only works if the offender tries everything to make permanent changes in his life and takes every oppurtunity of contact to show this change. And for the offeded to have healed and regain self confidence. Then maybe there is a shot. But i guess If the love is strong enough to last through all these changes, self discoveries, re-buit self esteem and heart felt remorse and forgivness.....then there is a chance

 

Once again your post has been one of the best i have read. I'm glad to have this oppurnity to corespond with you about your feeings you have. If your boyfriend is like me. He feels shame, and he feels great remorse. He feels like he would do whatever it takes and however long it takes to show you he can rebuild trust. Hopefully he feels that you need all the time for yourself to heal, and regain yourself back. And let go when he has to.I tried to be as supportive as could with my EX, hopefully he is doing the same.

 

Could i ask you a question....my ex has intiated every contact for the past 2 months...i wanted to give her space, and not to contact her.....i just want to respect her feelings...its been 5 days since i heard from her, kinda worried about her. would it be best to send a txt or e-mail to she how she doing...or would this be bad?

 

Best of luck to you in the future

[IcemanJB]

It's been nice reading your commentaries back and forth. Don't worry about hijacking, I've been gathering a lot of insight from it!

 

I figured I'd drop a line and give you guys an update; well, not that you necessarily care . I haven't heard from her since I told her not to contact me (duh). Obviously it still sucks a lot. I was SUPER busy this week with school projects and work that I really couldn't think much about the breakup/her, so I was doing alright. Now I'm at my parents' place for Thanksgiving, and I knew this was going to happen; this is the first time I've had a substantial amount of free time since the semester started, and I'm sure you can guess where most thoughts start to drift towards. I dreamed about her the last two nights, which makes the mornings just plain awful. My sister is home (also my ex's really close friend), and has mentioned her several times already which is just unneeded reminders of her. I almost want to go back to my place on campus, but there I KNOW I'll get flooded with memories of me and her since my roommates are gone and I won't have much to do. I'm so stuck right now...so here I am on LS. Maybe trying to escape the memories is a bad thing...I just don't know. I don't have a single bad memory of her, so it's not like I can focus on that to try and forget her.

 

The first couple weeks after the breakup I knew I was just plain cold and nasty around everyone; especially my sister and roommates. I feel awful about that, and I'm not sure why I'm saying that on here. There are many things that I've learned about myself throught this breakup; even though I'm still feeling really down about the whole thing; I have not lot it effect my friendships/schoolwork/work like I did the first couple weeks. My roommates have mentioned that they didn't know I have such a good sense of humor! This past week I made it a goal to talk more in one of my classes, since most of the semester I've been bumming. I cracked a joke randomly yesterday and had the entire class bursting into laughter; it's just small things like that that help me move on a bit. Although many of my friends graduated last year, or are working, etc., I've realized I really need to start focusing on myself. This semseter has been pure hell with the breakup and INTENSE classload (advanced/graduate level comp sci courses), and I've handled it pretty damn well if I do say so myself.

 

I still miss her like crazy, but I don't NEED her. I want her so bad still, but it just can't happen right now, or maybe ever. The reasons for the breakup are still so unclear to me; honestly the saddest day of my life was her crying on my shoulder for 4 hours and then walking her home on the windy October night after we broke up. It's so obvious there are still lots of feelings there and we both aren't over it. Maybe the reasons don't need to be clear to me. It's pretty simple; it's DONE, I've told her to leave me alone, and it's really out of my hands now. My best bet is to let her see what she's missing, and I need to get myself back out there!

 

I'm done rambling with random thoughts, I just needed to get it out somewhere!