In the coping process, it helps a lot to realize what qualities we miss about our ex, but it also immensely helps to write down a list of all their faults that ever bothered us. Even though most of us here are dumpees, I'm sure we all had some thoughts of breaking up with our ex at some point, when we felt they were really annoying and couldn't stand their nagging anymore. But we got our sh*t together and pulled through somehow.
Well this thread is an opportunity for you to list all the bad moments and faults that were bothering you so much about your ex, but you never really did anything about it. This technique is very effective at kicking them of that pedestal where you put them.
I'll start:
Several days after we met and got together, she constantly nagged me about stories of her ex boyfriend. She even wanted to break off our new relationship because she felt sorry for him. "Awww, he's such a nice guy, I feel so sorry for him, maybe you and I can't be together after all". First red flag that I should've taken seriously.
This summer she told me that she would never cook for me when we start living together. She said "I can't and don't want to compete with your mom". I tried to assure her that I don't expect her to compete with anyone, and then she said "Ok, I will give you a trial period of one month and if you complain during that time, it's off". Her other argument was "I don't want to become mentally ill by serving you".
She'd wake up in the morning and prepare breakfast just for herself. She wouldn't make one more for me. She would just eat her breakfast alone and leave me with convenience store food.
She'd make scenes in public. I once told her she smelled good, and she took out her hair shampoo in a full train, screamed that I think she stinks, started applying it all over her body, crying all the time. People were staring at us probably thinking I was abusing the poor girl.
Wouldn't talk to me for hours over some small insignificant things, often started crying for no good reason in all sorts of public places.
She hung out with her guy friends in private, went on dinners with them, you could even say dates. She even wanted to dump me a few times over some chumps she met online, but changed her mind somehow.
I constantly had to defend myself from her attacks, I had to apologize for my opinons, because the princess would start crying or screaming at me
She would flirt with other guys openly in front of me. Really shameless.
She hated poor people, homeless people, ugly people etc. Her materialistic retarded mom taught her that short and ugly people have small hearts, that she should always look for rich guys, that football players and musicians would be the best men for her. It's unbelievable how little compassion she held for people. People with no money were just trash for her.
She hated her dad more than anything, because they weren't a rich family when she was a kid. She can't forgive him that he couldn't earn enough money to support hers and her mom's expensive lifestyle. She was always saying "When I get rich, I'm going to help my mom divorce my dad".
The huge ego she had was unbelievable. She had so many frustrations rooted inside her, so many issues from childhood, that her dream was to be on a high position in either IMF or World Bank. All she ever dreamed of was power and living abroad with a foreign husband.
Did I mention she was constantly unhappy with her surroundings and people around her? She always had this idea of running somewhere else, somewhere abroad, with some foreigner, thinking she'd be happy if she escaped from her reality.
I really have no idea how I managed to stay together with her for so long. I should print this post and frame it on my wall and read it whenever I start feeling nostalgic about her and our relationship.
I guess love really is blind, it's unbelievable how many of our partner's flaws we are willing to ignore when we're in love (or at least we think we are).
- I would travel 2 hours to go see her, and 5 minutes in she would be cranky and want to go home, I wouldn't say anything just bring her home and travel another two hours home. Yep 4 hours of travel time to see her for like 15 minutes.
- Jealous as hell, I almost was not allowed ya not allowed to be in my sister's wedding because I'd have to walk down the aisle with another girl, then 2 weeks later she cheats
- We shared a credit card etc., if I ever bought anything oh no we need to save for the future, whenever she did it was a necessity and important
- I remember one day I went to visit her I was wearing track pants, oh no stop the presses, if looks could kill I would be dead now, the funny thing is she never wore makeup, hear messy alot but I never said anything
- When she was working earlier on the relationship I'd actally go early and sit for hours while she worked and just read a book or whatever, ya I was a lame, and if I came late or walked around the mall she worked I'd have to come up with a reason, ya go and laugh I was a sucker
- She was struggling in school so I allowed her to quit her job, and supported her, I worked overtime picked up extra shifts etc., not even a thank you nothing
- Her english wasn't that great, so I would do her english essays ya again I was a idiot, she had to do a essay to get a scholaship this year and guess who wrote it I did, and guess when she found out she got it after she cheated and dumped me, pouring more salt on the wounds
-New years even 2005, her parents found out about us and they dind't want her to have a bf because of school etc. and she was crying said she cut herself because she knew I would dump her, like a idiot I said no, ya putting her infront of me again and in the end go tm enothing, I still didn't even get a thank you for that
- every month on the 21st our monthly anniversary, if I didn't buy a card, forgot to remember, oh boy I'd be eaten out alive
- 95% of my friends were females before her, girls I knew my whole life etc. but like a idiot I gave them all up for her because of her jealously, I gave up going to parties, clubs, everything because of her jealously, yet in the end she's the one who cheated
- I worked overtime and paid for her trip to europe to visit her sick grandparents, and what did I get out of that not even a thanks just her cheating with some herb
-we were on a couples plan and she would always send international texts to her friends back home and call them, I never complained when the phone bill was a arm and a leg
- she was sensitive, crying all the time, she would get a 95% on a test and start to cry, like her future is ruined, it bothered me
- she would msg all my guy friends from my msn acting like me to see if I was talking about her or any girls
- her cat was sick dying, and I paid for it's vet bill, after we broke up I just messaged how is the cat, and she msg me back "forget about us", not even a thanks for paying for the vet bill the cat is fine
ya looking back I was probably the biggest doormat ever
__________________
Patience
Last edited by EmperorR; 23rd November 2008 at 10:40 AM..
- She would occasionally get dangerously drunk where she could not stand and would insult everyone. Including me. She would always claim that it was because someone spiked her drink/she was on medication that didn't mix with alcohol/whatever. Truth was she didn't know her limit and thought she could drink people under the table like her dad does (he is a borderlin acoholic.
- All of her guys were friends and a lot of them wanted to get on her. They were dicks to me and she never believed me.
- Very condescending. Patronising at times.
- She lived around London her whole life. I am from the West Country. Going to London was a rare treat for me. She knew this and still acted shocked when I would mention that I had never been to some famous landmark. "But everyone has been there!" NOT EVERYONE LIVES IN LONDON
- Yeah, she had lovely boobs. But that doesn't mean she had to talk about them to any random person. Especially her brother. My god that was freaky.
- I always had to be the one "giving" in sex. Which is fine. Just don't demand it half a dozen times in a night if you're going to insist on lying there! It get's tiring always being on top!
- She made me lie about my life/my families life/my political views to suit her xenophobic right-wing upper class family. I can't belive I lied about my dad's career for her. I'm so proud of him. And he is my idol, and she made me lie about him. ****.
- She would complain that she was putting on weight, and if I told her she wasn't, she would say I was lying. If I said "maybe we could work out together" I would get the silent treatment.
- She had to know everything about everyone. Like someone she met once, she would add on MSN, add on Facebook, get their phone number. Which sucked for me because I liked having a life seperate from her but this was hard when she insisted on personally knowing ALL of my friends. Even the casual ones!
Good god I am going to add more to this later because it feels bloody brilliant. Right now however I am working on getting a date.
I'm moving on!
Last edited by SelfCentered; 23rd November 2008 at 11:19 AM..
Several days after we met and got together, she constantly nagged me about stories of her ex boyfriend. She even wanted to break off our new relationship because she felt sorry for him. "Awww, he's such a nice guy, I feel so sorry for him, maybe you and I can't be together after all". First red flag that I should've taken seriously.
That's pretty messed up granted what happened with you two.
Argh! Here's how you weren't so perfect! Here's why you don't deserve my love.
You felt no remorse about stealing things. Not even from people who let us into their homes so kindly. I was wary about this dishonesty.
You never looked at anyone else's point of view. You always thought YOU were right, and just disregarded other views as wrong. I was scared to mention another view because I knew you would just get upset and throw a fit. I didn't want you to think I'd changed. When you started becoming more accepting, you blamed ME for having our relationship be based on stagnant thought patterns.
You got so worked up about things that you hated in this world. You would cry because they made you sad, which I loved about you, but that's all you would do. You would cry and make everyone else feel bad and blame others, but you would never actually do anything to help.
You were SO MEAN! You never considered anybody else's feelings. If you were angry at them (for holding a different view), or didn't like them, or thought they said something stupid, you would always let them know either with words or mean looks. You called our professor a fat walrus over and over again in class for no reason. He was so nice to us too. You never thought people could hear your mean words. I always knew they could. Somehow you were always so loving to me but never to others. That's why I was afraid to let you know if I thought something new, because I knew that mean-nature of yours could someday be directed towards me.
You always wanted the most expensive things! This is tied to not being considerate towards others. You were only considerate to yourself. You didn't have much money, which was fine, and I pretty much supported you. I didn't mind doing this, I loved you. But you didn't care when I didn't have too much money to spend. And you would always get angry if I couldn't get you the organic, morning fresh, praised by a tibetan shaman sh*t from the store! I would have loved to get it for you, but I just couldn't. I don't want to marginilze that love we had by speakig of these petty financial things, but really. Don't get upset at me just because I can't afford something
Oh! Whenever we had any sort of dispute you just wanted me to go away, you just wanted me to leave. You didn't want to talk about things and work it through. You just said "leave me alone, leave me alone." That made me very upset. How are things supposed to get better like that?
She was never honest with me about some things. She would always close her laptop when I came near her so I couldn't see. I know it was just because she was self-conscious about reading silly journals or comics, but still. Why couldn't you be open to me about these things? You never felt bad about hiding things from me, which made it easy for you to lie to others, and finally to lie to me.
You could be so honest about your feelings when you disliked somebody and had something mean to say, but you could never be honest with yourself. How selfish of you.
Quote:
- She lived around London her whole life. I am from the West Country. Going to London was a rare treat for me. She knew this and still acted shocked when I would mention that I had never been to some famous landmark. "But everyone has been there!" NOT EVERYONE LIVES IN LONDON
This reminds me! She would always act so shocked when she would use some esoteric word and nobody knew what it meant, or if somebody had never heard of something or seen some movie, make the person feel like they are the stupidest person in the world.
Her:"What?! You don't know that word?! (acting like you're a f*ing idiot) I thought everybody knew that word. Svelte?! you've never heard svelte before?! SVELTE! As in: That woman is so svelt! (and then she would give you those unbelieving, begging eyes, that would say: I never knew you were so stupid)"
Me: "What?! Not everybody reads a million million books. When have you EVER heard that word used in a sentence?! EVER?! EVEEER?!" Argh, haha.
Quote:
- I would travel 2 hours to go see her, and 5 minutes in she would be cranky and want to go home, I wouldn't say anything just bring her home and travel another two hours home. Yep 4 hours of travel time to see her for like 15 minutes.
Wow emperor. You're a good man.
I totally hear you on all that financial stuff. I don't want to make a big deal out of it because I don't want it to marginalize that love we had (although I guess I am), because I was more than happy to do it, as were you. But I too, received no thank you's. I mean I didn't really need any, but still. You'd still think they would thank you for trips to europe (I payed for our trip to France) or helping with her tuition. You'd still think they would have been at least a little bit more appreciative.
Last edited by TeaAbraham; 23rd November 2008 at 11:50 AM..
He was good during the realtionship so I guess I'll write about how he acted afterwards.
1) He cried and told me was so scared of losing me, then breaks up with me.
2) He told me he would ALWAYS ALWAYS be there for me even if we weren't together, but he hasn't called me not once since the last time I saw him.
3) He LIED to me about the dumbest thing which isn't even worth posting but it's so sad to how I found out the truth. I can't believe him.
4) He would keep things from me WHEN we were together and I would find out by myself, RANDOMLY and cry. " (when we had agreed to tell each other EVERYTHING)
5) He hurt me like no other ever could and yet not even a damn text to see if I'm okay.
6) He moved on so fast and cut me out of his life. It broke my heart in two, mainly because of the connection we had.
7) Oh and the most annoying one...he didn't trust me and it made me feel like crap. If he would hear I was with someone else (he heard this from someone who lied ALL THE TIME and he knew that) yet he BELIEVED it and didn't even confront me for it. He just acted cold towards me untill after 2 weeks told me what happened. That hurt me so much.
8) I don't even know anymore. Simply the fact that he made me feel worse than anyone else ever has is enough.
ya looking back I was probably the biggest doormat ever
I know the feeling. But you've learned. You were who you were. That took years to build. Now this experience has opened your eyes. Hopefully this will help you for the rest of your life.
Hey, don't feel bad about treating someone well. Feel bad that you allowed yourself to be mistreated. Truth is, if you had not of acted like a door mat, you would have probably broken up with her. There is no winning with these type of people. Even if you stand up for yourself, and they do change their behavior, it is most likely only short lived. The dynamic will return to normal. People can only change themselves.
I should have dumped my ex long time ago one time I almost did and she cut herself, and I got scared that she would kill herself so being such a nice person I stayed, ah look where that got me.
If I didn't leave like 6 txt messages or a voice mail in the morning I'd get chewed out the whole day how I don't care about her.
If I didn't drive nope the bus wasn't good enough always taxi that I had to pay for.
I couldn't even go on vacation without her
I had to take my break and lunch at work around when she was available to talk
Self esteem issues. She would get extremely self conscious around my family members and had a serious problem making eye contact with people.
She never initiated sex. Not once. I always had to do it. As if she wasn't enjoying it. She would just lie on bed and wait for me to do everything.
She would talk about handsome guys nonstop. She was often shamelessly checking out pictures of some half naked football players and actors in front of me, commenting on how great looking they were. I don't care if you look at porn or whatever, but don't do it in my presence, especially when I'm waiting on you.
Rarely expressed her love for me. If I asked her "Do you love me?" her usual response was "Maybe". If I said nothing, she would just remain quiet. Only if I got pissed off, she would tell me she loved me.
Terrible person to have a conversation with. Her only interests were hot people, singers, actors, fashion and that was it. God forbid she would talk about anything else. It would probably be the end of the world. When I wanted to discuss anything past her interests, she would get frustrated with me and start making problems.
Constantly complained about her past, frustrations and issues from her childhood etc. It was really tiresome at times.
She would often get really depressed and timid for no reason known to me. I'm not a mind reader, I can't know what you want from me unless you tell me. I had to put up with her flaky mood because she would never discuss any issues with me. When I wanted to talk about some problem, her usual response was "I don't care" or "It doesn't matter".
I had the same problem as SelfCentered. Since she was from Tokyo (which is probably the most developed, most fun city in the world), whenever I visited I would be really impressed with all the huge skyscrapers, elevated monorails, multiple levels of streets and highways, automated unmanned trains etc. Since I'm from a fairly small central European country, where every building is like 200 years old, I was extremely impressed by those things. If I showed any signs of being impressed, she would become pissed off and it took me ages to calm her down.
I once asked her "do you know this xyz girl from your uni? I haven't talked to her in years, I'm wondering how she is." She got upset, started crying and said "So I'm just a substitute for her all along??". I assured her that I barely know the girl I mentioned, that I was just curious if she knew her. It took her an hour to calm down.
This list is really awesome. I'm really enjoying reading it all the time, it reminds me that our relationship wasn't so good as my memory seems to recall. Should've dumped her before she dumped me. She would really deserve that.
I should have dumped my ex long time ago one time I almost did and she cut herself, and I got scared that she would kill herself so being such a nice person I stayed, ah look where that got me.
Yeah. I don't know if I should have dumped her, but I was definitely thinking about it. I knew it would have been way too hard for her. She really would have died, at least on the inside. That person she was died anyway though. Not a reason to keep a relationship together, but still. It was a weird expression of that eternal love =-( I really couldn't leave her, no matter what. But yep, guess what. Off she went with another man. Wonderful.
Since she was from Tokyo (which is probably the most developed, most fun city in the world), whenever I visited I would be really impressed with all the huge skyscrapers, elevated monorails, multiple levels of streets and highways, automated unmanned trains etc. Since I'm from a fairly small central European country, where every building is like 200 years old, I was extremely impressed by those things. If I showed any signs of being impressed, she would become pissed off and it took me ages to calm her down.
That doesn't even make sense. How can you get pissed off at something like that?
That doesn't even make sense. How can you get pissed off at something like that?
Beats me.
I tried really hard to figure that out, but never got my head around it. My guess is that she hated everything about her city and her country. Her constantly being impressed by everything foreign probably explains that to an extent.
Wow it proves how love truly IS blind and we just blanket all the negatives over because we are in love.
On a more serious note, it's shocking how many women have such self-esteem issues. I genuinely believe, rightly or wrongly, that women would be far more adjusted, content and healthy in relationships if there self-esteems weren't already so ravaged by whatever you want to blame it on...the media I always go with :P I know it's done my self-esteem in as i've grown into my teens...even when I began as a very happy with what I had young lady!
Wow it proves how love truly IS blind and we just blanket all the negatives over because we are in love.
That's the thing though. There are always those negatives in a relationship. Love is working through them, not ignoring them. Meant-to-be isn't having zero issues, it's having those issues yet still loving each other and wanting to fix them. I don't know. It helps thinking about her faults and how she doesn't deserve my love (the b*tch), but really, every one has faults. I wanted to be the one to work with her through all of her short-comings, and through mine too. I wish we had. Anyway, in the future I will know that love is not just what exists when there are no issues, it's what you do when those issues arise.
On the self-esteem note, yeah, it's incredible. My ex always thought she was fat, not pretty, not smart, etc. There was absolutely no reason for it! She was so marvelous. Was so marvelous. I usually feel really confident in myself, but I went to see a movie last night (which I usually don't do) and all that perfection in there made me feel really down. Thinking about how that is what the ladies want! A mother f*cking double agent! Damn! Anyway, guys can feel it too
We always went Dutch or I paid...gladly though as I made a ton more but in the end I don't think it was appreciated
Kinda cheap - complained about texting ... why date someone if you want to spend zero
I wrote him poems and had them translated into languages I don't speak that he loved - and 6 days after i moved he freaked out when i said i miss you
I still helped him with something pretty important at his request 3 weeks after it was over because i want him to be successful in life. He couldn't pick up the phone (its overseas) to say thanks or show appreciation
Rarely initiated any sex. I had to practically beg for it at the end of our relationship. You were more worried about your schoolwork and studying than paying attention to your boyfriend.
Always bit**** and nagged like a 75 year old woman about coffee crumbs on the counter or a dirty dish. You were so neurotic that it was agitating hearing you approach me with un-important crap after a hard day at work.
You bit**** and moaned about paying bills and beign so stressed working. YOU worked at a grovery market, and went to school full time. Good thing your lazy pampered a** wasn't born during the great depression.
You complained we never did what you wanted to do or listened to what music you wanted to listen to but you never made any clear boundaries within our relationship. You never made it known that this was a real issue, you just went along with whatever I wanted to do.
You never made an effort to try and drive a car. You were a bratty NYC girl who refused to get a license. END RESULT: I drove F-ing everywhere ........ Everytime! To every show! to every event! to every location! F-ing everywhere! You even complained about paying for GAS on your credit card......You nieve child, did you think gas is free and I am your taxi?
You lied to me about your best freind being your "brother", then you F-ed him all summer and broke up with me on the PHONE after 2 1/2 of being together.
You have acted like total distant BIT** post-breakup. Thier is no excuse for the awful way you have treated me. It is unacceptable, it just plain sucks. Good thing I have LS to remind me what a jackass you are.
__________________
Every man thinks his burden is the heaviest--Bob M.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Linear Mode
