[Patrick7573]

My fiance and I have know each other for 9 years and have dated on and off in that time.We always knew though that we loved each other and didn't want to be with anybody else. When we first met, we were the king and queen of headgames and were both very immature at the time so we played games with each other alot and one of us would eventually get hurt and the other would relish in the pain and the attention. We got past that and now that were older and more mature have given it another shot. We got back together a few months back and got engaged last month. She works alot and doesn't have mouch time, so I have planned and booked everything for our wedding and she was very happy about that. Everything has been great but about a week ago she started getting very quiet and distant. We are supposed to get married this fall. Is she getting cold feet? Is this a normal thing? Do I have anything to be concerned about or is this typical when people try to plan a life together. Please help me

[Tony T]

Yes, you have a lot to be concerned about. First, you should be concerned about your willingness to ask these questions on an Internet forum rather than going straight to your fiance and asking her.

Second, you should be concerned about a woman who allows YOU to do all the planning for her wedding. This is highly unusual and a very possible sign that she is not enthusiastic about tying the knot with you right now.

As soon as possible, you need to talk to her and find out why she has become cold and distant. Under ordinary circumstances, I would say she might be stressed over the pressures of work and planning a wedding...but, hey, you're doing all the work. She should be happy as hell.

I would also find out why she is not taking a more active role in the planning of the event that every woman dreams of. That's so strange!

You only got back together a few months ago and you're already planning a wedding??? That seems a little strange, too. Given the fact that you've had so many problems in the past, it would seem practical to see how the rematch goes for six months or so before planning a life together.

At any rate, there are a lot of things that smell about this and I hope you will have a talk with your lady and put all the smelly stuff out on the table for discussion.

I agree with Tony. You obviously have a tumultuous past with this woman and jumping into an engagement as soon as you hit another "sunny" patch in the relationship does not seem wise. Pre-wedding nerves are obviously a common occurance, but given the nature of this relationship and her distance from the wedding plans in general, it seems that there is a deeper problem. Having said that, I am loathe to agree with Tony's assummption that just because your fiancee isn't actively involved in the wedding plans, she is opposed to the wedding. This may be "highly unusual" and "strange" to someone living in a traditional culture, but it may be surprising to learn that matrimonial ceremony is not always "the event that every woman dreams of." To me, that is quite a stereotypical and sexist assumption. Many of my friends have enlisted the help of wedding co-ordinators; their family and friends; or even fiancees, to do the majority of plans for the wedding. Women today have more important things to deal with, such as their careers - as is the case with your fiancee - than fretting over the exact colour of the bridal flowers. Although it could well be a sign that your fiancee isn't committed to becoming married to you, it certainly isn't the kiss of death.

Regardless, I would speak to your fiancee as soon as possible, before you both feel that you have no other choice but to walk down the aisle. Remember: ending the engagement does not mean ending the relationship; indeed, it may bring you closer together.