Cheating, Flirting, and JealousyBeing unfaithful to your significant other or suspect them of the same? Can't stand the way they flirt? Jealous? Discuss your experiences here.
So my boyfriend and I have had a lot of rough patches, mostly concerning his ex girlfriend/fwb. It's recently come to a head, when I told him he needed to choose and he finally chose me (after saying he can't cut her out cause she's like family, she'll be an aunt to his kids, she'll be at his wedding, etc even though he knew how much that hurt me). So he doesn't message her or call her or pick up calls from her and he tells me when she calls.
I want him to take her off his myspace and he told me flat out that that was unacceptable and that I'm only saying this because I'm inexperienced at relationships and he got really angry and vulgar saying I think when I'm not looking he's gonna stick his etc in her etc.
The thing is, I feel like he's keeping her waiting in the wings. That while he's chosen me, SHE doesn't know that. I want him to make that clear to her. It makes me think he doesn't want her to know he's chosen me either.
I know he feels like I'm being controlling but I really want to have a boyfriend that would say "If it really bothers you that much, ok"
if I know he's not contacting her, should I just wait for her to get the message (it's been a while and she still hasn't). Am I pushing it? I just want her to never come up because he gets resentful at me in his tone when he can't answer the phone.
Why are you so threatened by this ex?
Obviously I don't know the whole history of the drama between all of you, but it seems like they are friends and 'she's like family' - so your bf and his ex managed to break things off and stay friends, why is that such a huge deal that you feel you need to control who his friends are?
If it was me and a current bf asked me to cut ties with an ex who is still a friend of mine, they had better have an amazing reason for it, because I don't see myself running to get that checked off my 'To do' list
Well.. has there been anything between them, that you've seen, that would lead you to believe it's an inappropriate friendship?
Or are you just jealous of how close he is to her? It is possible to remain friends, and only friends, with an ex after a breakup.
I think if you don't have proof that there was something going on.. and you based this choice off just feeling uncomfortable or not liking her, then of course he's going to be resentful. What did you expect?
Have you ever even met this girl?
Idk.. it's really coming off like this is something that's your problem, and not anything he did. If I'm wrong, and things have crossed a line.. I'd understand. But you never mentioned anything.
you're right, I didn't provide enough info.
history with this girl is:
my bf asked me out when they were dating, but since they were fwb mostly it wasn't a big deal to her- but then he decided he's rather pursue things with her than me, so dropped off the face of the earth for 6 months. when they broke up, we started dating. during the first week of us dating, I went out of town and she came over upset about something. he let her sleep in his bed. she kept her clothes on, but he slept naked. now i don't believe anything happened but it brought up a lot of trust issues and it took me a long time to get to where i believed that.
also, he's had a thing about comparing me sexually to his past partners, not just this girl, but her included.
when he's angry and drunk he sarcastically says sarcastic vulgar things like he's screwing her, etc because he's angry i'm insecure
i know this girl has **** talked me to him also
during the first year I tried to not come between their friendship but I feel now that because of the things he's said and done repeatedly, he's forfeit any right to a friendship with her if he wants to be with me.
I know she's not the problem. He has issues in presenting his past, but the result of those issues is be being uncomfortable with him having her as a friend.
I know she's not the problem. He has issues in presenting his past, but the result of those issues is be being uncomfortable with him having her as a friend.
No..the thing is he's the problem in the sense that he's an *******. He wanted to date you, then left you for her, you sat around waiting and took him back - he tells you he compares you to others and you're worried about THIS particular girl, but the thing is, even if she left and he cut her off, he will find someone new to use to put you down and make you feel insecure. You mistake was hooking up with him after he chose to go for her instead. Even if he cut this girl off, I can almost guarantee you that there will be some other girl, some other thing that he will use to make you feel insecure, and its because you let him.
No..the thing is he's the problem in the sense that he's an *******. He wanted to date you, then left you for her, you sat around waiting and took him back - he tells you he compares you to others and you're worried about THIS particular girl, but the thing is, even if she left and he cut her off, he will find someone new to use to put you down and make you feel insecure. You mistake was hooking up with him after he chose to go for her instead. Even if he cut this girl off, I can almost guarantee you that there will be some other girl, some other thing that he will use to make you feel insecure, and its because you let him.
I'm totally agreeing with this.
It's one thing to give him another chance after he completely ditched you.. that's somewhat understandable.. but to let it continue on after he slept naked with some girl? Let it continue as he compares you to his past partners? Let it continue after he's vulgar toward you?
He and I both know that he's been a huge jerk and comparing a partner is unacceptable. The sleeping naked thing, I truly believe, was a really stupid mistake and that he didn't and doesn't have any intentions towards her, nor to I believe that she has any intentions towards him.
We've both recognized these things in the past have been wrong of him as well as it being stupid and naive of me to put up with it. He hasn't compared me since he recognized the error of his ways in february and has been trying to put things right. I guess I just want to know if I'm justified by wanting this girl off his myspace, given how he hurt me in the past. I feel bad he has to lose a friend but I feel this is a consequence of his own doing.
I know he doesn't hurt me on purpose. I guess I'm still in it because I do love him and I know he's trying to make me happy. I think maybe in this case he might be objecting to taking her off as a matter of principle (not being controlled by me) and it's not a matter of her being super important to him. But the part of me that's been hurt in the past by him has doubts that aren't easily banished.
I feel bad he has to lose a friend but I feel this is a consequence of his own doing.
No, no...you just said that you believe that the whole sleeping naked thing led to nothing and that neither one has intentions towards the other, and you also said that you explained how he hurt your feelings by comparing you to others and he stopped doing it - so as long as you're accepting his "appology" and that he's changing and as long as you're accepting what you just said about 'no intentions' between them you're not justified in asking him to drop a friend - because they're just friends and you "believe" that and so you have no good reason. You can't punish him and say 'its his own doing'. As long as you're forgiving it, its done.
I know he doesn't hurt me on purpose. I guess I'm still in it because I do love him and I know he's trying to make me happy. I think maybe in this case he might be objecting to taking her off as a matter of principle (not being controlled by me) and it's not a matter of her being super important to him. But the part of me that's been hurt in the past by him has doubts that aren't easily banished.
It honestly sounds like you're making excuses for him. If he wasn't trying to hurt you on purpose, when you told him things that hurt you he'd stop doing them.. not continue to do them. What is he doing to make you happy? Cutting ties with her? Doesn't seem like it.
A matter or principle? Relationships aren't about "matters of principle." It's ridiculous he'd expect you to accept this friendship given the history and how he is with her.
It's ridiculous he'd expect you to accept this friendship given the history and how he is with her.
But she's acting like she believes him - that nothing happened and that he and his ex don't have feelings for each other - as long as she's accepting that then his friendship with the ex shouldn't seem so dangerous. I just don't think she's being honest with herself when she says she believes him because then the ex really wouldn't be an issue - that's all I'm saying. Personally, I think she deserves a better bf
I see your point. I guess I think I have a reasonable right to ask him not to see her anymore, based on his previous actions. It makes me uncomfortable when she's around or when she's in contact with him because my trust and security is not completely rebuilt. While I don't think they have any intentions towards each other, I do sometimes feel like he respects her more than he respects me. So it's not just on a sexual level because (forgot to mention) he's compared me emotionally to her. I'm more afraid of an emotional affair I guess.
I know it sounds like my bf is a horrible demon man, he's really not. I'm sure everyone on here knows things are always complicated. I'm in a clear headed position right now in our relationship to say "I want to work on this but if it's doesn't work out I'll be ok" but I do want to give it my best go before I walk away.
I see your point. I guess I think I have a reasonable right to ask him not to see her anymore, based on his previous actions. It makes me uncomfortable when she's around or when she's in contact with him because my trust and security is not completely rebuilt. While I don't think they have any intentions towards each other, I do sometimes feel like he respects her more than he respects me. So it's not just on a sexual level because (forgot to mention) he's compared me emotionally to her. I'm more afraid of an emotional affair I guess.
I know it sounds like my bf is a horrible demon man, he's really not. I'm sure everyone on here knows things are always complicated. I'm in a clear headed position right now in our relationship to say "I want to work on this but if it's doesn't work out I'll be ok" but I do want to give it my best go before I walk away.
I do want to wish you the best of luck, and yes all relationships are complicated and I'm sure that your bf isn't a monster but he does have jerk-ish tendencies. If you really want things to change you need to demand respect, and so you need to explain how you see this whole situation, what you want out of it and what you expect from him/yourself (make sure you don't get too emotional in your talk, say it like a straightshooter and lay down the bottom line) if he doesn't compromise with you and prove to you that he respects you, then he's never going to gain any respect for you if you stay with him and put up with his crap and all the actions that make you feel bad. But first you just really need to be honest with him/yourself about what you think is going on with the ex and what you will/will not accept.
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