Hi I'm a newbie.. My story is somewhat the same as some you've already read on this site, therefore I am hoping that I fit right in and not judged to harshly.
Let me give you a little background of myself and my situation. I'm basically an at home mom in my late 30's, I've been married for 19 years. Hubby was my very first boyfriend and the man I gave my virginity to the first night we met. Due to the fact that I was verbally, mentally and sometimes physically abused by my sibling, I delveloped and carried a lot of insecurities into my adulthood. I also had an over protective dad who sheltered me from real lifes experiences, therefore I was gaulable to the first young man who showed interest in me and that man was my husband.. Anyway after losing my verginity, hubby and I dated briefly and then married. After marriage i never persued a career or continued my education. My life was dedicated to being a good mom to my kids and the perfect wife to my husband. I knew nothing else outside of that box. I didn't have many girlfriends, I never socialized in clubs or at parties. i never had the time or space to find to myself or to experience life as a single independant woman. Don't get me wrong. I love my kids and I still do love my husband but if I knew then what I know now i would have done thing a lot different. Be it as is may..
After 15 years into my marriage I started fantizing about what I missed out on as a young adult woman. i also started fanatasiziing about how it would feel to have intercourse with another man. As the fantasies got stronger I eventually met a wonderful MM online who treated me like I was the prettiest woman in the world.We started a relationship and I fell deeply in love with this man which lead to some drama between us because I let my emotions and jealousy get the best of me . Drama aside, we still had a lovely relationship that carried on for several years until circumstances prevented us from seeing each other again. We still talk to each other over the phone and our feelings for one another are mutual. given the opportunity we would see each other again. but at that time of our seperation the heartbreak I felt was unbearable.
I felt the only way to get over my heartache was to go out and meet another man which is what I did and is currently in a relationship with that other man. The relationship I have with this man is a lot differnet from my previous relationship. He is single and very much into living life in the moment. Unfortunately after 3 years i have developed feelings for this man. I can't say that i am in love with this man however I do care for him very deeply. the problem is my thoughts are consumed by him. Our feeling are not mutual. He always states that he cares for me and if anything ever happend to me he would be devastated. I guess I can understand that since i am a married woman and it's unfair to expect another man to love me under my circumstances. Our relationship isn't strictly about sex. my lover recently lost his job and now he needs me more than occasional sex. I help him financially when I can and emotionally and now that he's no longer working we see and talk to each other more often. My question is how could he expect me not to have feelings for him now that we are spending more time together and how do I put my jealousy for other women behind me?
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Forget the OM in your life. What about your husband?
You've added MORE drama into your life, instead of fixing it by going to counselling alone and with your husband. Marriage counselling is a must here. That is, if you want to save your marriage.
Your husband probably knows something is "off" between you two and I bet he sees the red flags, but is dismissing them because he loves you.
It's really too bad you chose to cheat when you were feeling confused a while ago.. Going to therapy back then would've prevented the situation you're in now.
The advice I have to for about the OM is - Break it off with him and fix your marriage. Or, end your marriage, get a divorce and then go pursue whomever you want. You cannot keep cheating, having your cake and eating it too.
Let me get this straight you love your H but you continue to cheat on him and even give your H's money to one of the OM. Look you shouldn't be married, you are not only cheating on your H but your children as well.
I am completely lost and confused and have been confused for quite some time now. I don't know what I want. The only thing I am sure of is that I am very unhappy with myself. I'm not unhappy only for the affairs that i've had but for the things I have not accomplished in my life. I'm not ahsamed to admit that I am afraid of the outcome of a divorce. maybe it will be the wrong decission in the end.
A couple of things to consider. First, you are exposing your H to STD's. He needs to be tested asap.
Second, your H has the right to know so he can decide if he wants a divorce.
Third, you are spending time and money that should go to your family. What about the $$. The kids are missing out on those funds, maybe for college or something.
I think the thing that will make you feel best is the right thing:tell your husband that you are having and have had affairs. Then, he can take steps to protect his health and finances.
I can't blame you for being unhappy with yourself you have done some very disgusting and nasty things! You not accomplishing things in your life is your fault simply as that. You can not blame you siblings for picking on you, or you H for marrying you young, or your dad for being protective. Also a lack of accomplishments is not cured by banging other men and disrespecting your family. Have some class and tell your H what you have done and accept what ever comes your way.
Soul, you need to break of rwelations with both your first lover and this one.
You need to go and see someone for counselling, and you need to tell your husband how unhappy you are.
I think if I may say so, due to your life experiences, you are also probably very emotionally immature. I don't mean that as an insult, but if you've led a 'sheltered life' you don't have the wherewithall to judge this situation in a clear and adult manner. I get the feeling you have no idea how devastating this would be to your H. You don't mention him at all, because I think you detached from him emotionally a long time ago, so frankly, he doesn't figure, only you do.
This is a classic 'childish' manifestation. Kids just don't see what's happening around them, they're just interested in what's happening TO them. I think you haven't developped from the 'child' you were with your sibling and father. The fact you lost your virginity to your husband on the day you met him, and have had no other partner until your first lover, is an indication that you seem emotionally stunted.
You need help.
Big time.
Whether this all comes out to your husband, and what it does to your marriage in the long run, is down to you.
But you MUST stop it with these two other guys, here and now, right away. Just cut off, pronto.
otherwise it's just going to get badder and badder.... amen....
__________________
"Hatred never ceases through hatred, but hatred ceases by love alone. This is the essence of the ancient and eternal law."
"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts; with our thoughts, we make the world."
I disagree with posters who feel that you are to sheltered to understand what you are doing. The fact is you have been married 19 years, you have raised children and lived a complete adult life. Just because someone didn't go to clubs and party does not make them incapable of adult choices. Listing your background is just a ploy to push the blame onto others besides yourself. I don't believe that simply because someone didn't sleep around when they were younger or party makes them emotionally immature.
yeh, you may be right.... certainly giving excuses for current behaviour is a no-no in my book too...I'm just trying to cover all the bases...it's difficult on the back of just one post to see it all as clear as day....
Soul, you need to break of rwelations with both your first lover and this one.
You need to go and see someone for counselling, and you need to tell your husband how unhappy you are.
I think if I may say so, due to your life experiences, you are also probably very emotionally immature. I don't mean that as an insult, but if you've led a 'sheltered life' you don't have the wherewithall to judge this situation in a clear and adult manner. I get the feeling you have no idea how devastating this would be to your H. You don't mention him at all, because I think you detached from him emotionally a long time ago, so frankly, he doesn't figure, only you do.
This is a classic 'childish' manifestation. Kids just don't see what's happening around them, they're just interested in what's happening TO them. I think you haven't developped from the 'child' you were with your sibling and father. The fact you lost your virginity to your husband on the day you met him, and have had no other partner until your first lover, is an indication that you seem emotionally stunted.
You need help.
Big time.
Whether this all comes out to your husband, and what it does to your marriage in the long run, is down to you.
But you MUST stop it with these two other guys, here and now, right away. Just cut off, pronto.
otherwise it's just going to get badder and badder.... amen....
You're not insulting me at all. you're right I do need to discontinue my relationship with my lover. I would not have posted my dirty laundry here if I didn't want to seek the help and advice of others. Taking your opinion into consideration, I do see where I lack maturity. It's time to seek counseling for my issues. I thank you for taking the time to reply.
As far as everyones opinion on my kids and how I spend "MY" money, is just that.. Some i take with a grain of salt and others I take into heavy consideration on how I should handle my affairs but that doesn't mean that you're opinion of me is correct. All the nasty remarks I chop up as a direct reflection of who you really are.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
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