[creamlamps]

I have a long story but i'll try to make it quick. I married at 19, my hubby was about to be 20. I'm now 30. I've always had very strong opinions against infedility. I felt even a x rated conversation was cheating. I was raised SUPER strict, not ableto do ANYTHING!! Not only that, I was the fat girl growing up and didn't get to at all until I lost weight at 18 years old. So you see by 19 I was already hitched. We got married young cuz we were infatuated with each other and eager to have sex!!! Cuz we are raised in such a strict religion, fornication was a HUGE no no and living together was out of the question. When I married part of me wondered if getting married so young would come back to bite me in the ass but at the time it seemed right. We dated for 6 months before we got married, tons of guys flirted with me and wanted me but I remained faithful to him. We both were virgins, in college, same religion, and best friends. Through our marriage we've face few rocky times in regards to our commitment. The biggest thing was when he finally fessed up about looking at porn several years into the marriage. To some this ain't no biggie but to me at that time it BROKE me. I lost all trust in his faithfulness to me. He'd lied to me for so long about it. I was already insecure as I have never felt pretty enough for anyone cuz that's all I heard when I was young and overweight. His lie made it all worse. Since we'd married there had been moments I'd wonder, "what's it like to have sex with anohter man or kiss another man? I was curious deep inside.

Now skip to 11 years into the marriage (present). It started when this guy at work started flirting with me a lot. I get flirted with a bunch but this guy was relentless and close to my age and cute. I never really noticed him much but he began to pursue me heavily. I gave into his flirting and let him go with it. So one day, I gave in, we kissed, and touched...and a couple of other things, it was the greatest feeling. No I didn't love him! But the high from those encounters was intoxicating. The guilt pushed me to tell my hubby that a guy "kissed me on the cheek only" and I let him cuz I like his attention. See for a long time I have felt my huibby taking me for granted, he just didn't seem to notice me anymore. When he found out about the kiss, he lost it, beame very controlling (more than before), started going to church more and reading the bible, fasting, out of fear that i'll cheat. I left my job, but contacted aother guy I had found attractive for many years, he was an old patient of mine. Not to mention I loved his personality. I wanted to have sex with him. I went from loathing infedility to finding a comfort sone with the whole "whole what your spouse doesn't know won't hurt them" thing. I used to despise that!!! So the guy I contacted actually met with me for a make out but since has pushed me away. Unlike before though I've become too attached to this guy, see he starting saying words like "love" to me and I let him go with it, this caused me to believe this ******* "loved me" Anyway, point is, I want to feel that high again, but at the same time this guy I want doesn't want me sexually, so I'm feeling very hurt and used, all my fat-girl insecurities are rearing their ulgy heads. I keep emailing him begging for attention and I hate myself for falling too hard for this guy. I don't think its love but rather infatuation and bordering on obsession. In the meantime I find myself losing interest in my hubby, his controlling ways are pissing me off. I feel like I'm that little girl again who's not allowed to have any fun. I'm 30 dammit!!! My life has been consumed with nothing but church and college. I never been drunk, danced, partied, had a one-night-stand. I have all these dirty desires but I don't feel guilty about them. To be blunt, if an attractive man just wanted to have sex with me and walk away I'm up for it, especially if he were a "bad boy". So, what the hell's wrong with me!!! I have lost my moral views on infedelity and just wanna experience sex with other men...not necessarily love. Now this guy I want to know has pulled me into this emotional thing, and I want him so bad, but he won't give it to me. He says I'm marriage material and he don't wanna use me nor does he wanna be used. I just wanna have an affair with this guy and see where it goes. And yes, I HATE myself for the way I feel and the desires I have. But I just wanna LIVE before I DIE!! I'm in therapy but get little help there, my hubby refuses counseling. There are many times I don't wanna be married anymore, I wanna know what's it's like to be on my own. Ugh! What do I do with all this stuff inside and still feel fulfilled in this life. HELP!!! Divorce is very frowned upon in my family.

Linda

[michelangelo]

And go wallow in the dirt you so love now. But don't even go crying back to him once you've had your fill.

Seems you have rung a bell that can't be unrung.

You have rejected all that is good in your life, for what?

You owe your husband his freedom and the truth of what is going on.

He and you both will need STD testing.

Whatever you do, live the truth of your life and let your husband live the truth of his.

[DealingWDrama]

Oh dear one...I think you are going through the 'damn I'm 30 years old what now' phase in life. I think all women go through it. We begin to evaluate our lives and see what we could have done or should have done, ect. The best thing I can tell you to do is to get into counseling for yourself...do not get involved with another man while you are married - the regret of not doing it is far less than the regret of doing it. Remember, lean not unto your own understanding...if God is leading you to a cliff ... he will either catch you when you fall or give you wings.
The feelings you are having are normal. You are not crazy...get some professional counseling...not from a religious person, but from a counselor who is secular. You know your faith and have a handle on your faith....
You are noticing the little things that your H is doing that are ticking you off because you are involved in an emotional affair with the flirty hunky guy who is paying attention to you.
Get a handle on your self esteem through counseling and find your self worth...end the end, you will appreciate yourself more for doing so. Don't complicate your 30s crisis with an Affair...it only makes things worse...hugs

[Reggie]

I think any man considering having sex with you might fear prosecution for having relations with a mentally challenged, vulnerable adult. You see patients? How scary is that?

[jmargel]

You never got to sow your wild oats and doing it now. It happens to alot of women that never got a chance to experience independence at an earlier age.

[Owl]

This is SIMPLE...

Why haven't you already divorced your husband?

Just divorce him, then you're free to boink whomever you like.

I don't get it...what's holding you back?

[creamlamps]

Dear reggie- don't judge because I saw a former patient. I've known him for 4 years and we'd become good friends. I won't tell u what I do nor what his ailment is but just know I liked him despite his illness, which was nothing he should be ashamed of. When we got together he was no longer my patient, so keep your tunnel-visioned judgements to yourself. I would never get involved with a person who I'm currently caring for as a patient. Think about this....would you not date someone you like just because they had cancer and you were there physical therapist at some time? What kinda person does that make you? If you are so sane (since I'm mentally challenged) then what are you doing on this forum???

Thanks to the couple of you who are understanding. I came here for advice not more reasons to hate myself cuz God knows I've done that all my life. You are right I wanna sew my wild oats and that's the bottom line. I was raised in a cage and I feel now I remain in one. My whole life I've lived to please everyone else, my parents, husband. My husband is good but has lied to me before. One thing I've had to come to terms with is this...NO ONE, NOT ONE is perfect. We all have our hang ups, be it alcohol, drugs, or.....sex. It just so happens that SEX is one of the most taboo "hang ups" one can have cuz this world likes to rank addictions. Being a meth addict is actually less frowned upon than being a sex addict. WTF? But for those of you who are religous we know God doesn't rank things, it's all the same. Those of you who are so quick to judge, BE CAREFUL! That used to be me, I actually said, "I'll never cheat". Boy never say never.

I thought this forum would be a good place to vent and get good advice, but I see many of you are very judgemental and not understanding at all. So I think I won't stay on here. But to those of you who want to judge me, ask yourself, "did I ever get a chance to sew my wild oats and have my share of fun, parties, sex"? If you answer yes, then does that make me worse than you? I just didn't get to do that ever.....and now I feel empty.

L

[bish]

Originally Posted by creamlamps

Now skip to 11 years into the marriage (present). It started when this guy at work started flirting with me a lot. I get flirted with a bunch but this guy was relentless and close to my age and cute.

Well gee, then it wasn't your fault. he was cute. There was nothing you could have done.

I never really noticed him much but he began to pursue me heavily. I gave into his flirting and let him go with it. So one day, I gave in, we kissed, and touched...and a couple of other things, it was the greatest feeling. No I didn't love him! But the high from those encounters was intoxicating. The guilt pushed me to tell my hubby that a guy "kissed me on the cheek only" and I let him cuz I like his attention.

so you lied telling your husband that HE kissed YOU ONLY on the cheek.

See for a long time I have felt my huibby taking me for granted, he just didn't seem to notice me anymore.

It happens. I'd say that happens in alot of marriages. Comfort sets in and things get humdrum.

When he found out about the kiss, he lost it, beame very controlling (more than before), started going to church more and reading the bible, fasting, out of fear that i'll cheat. I left my job, but contacted aother guy I had found attractive for many years, he was an old patient of mine.

so you go from one guy, and go looking for another? Why don't you just get divorced?

Not to mention I loved his personality. I wanted to have sex with him. I went from loathing infedility to finding a comfort sone with the whole "whole what your spouse doesn't know won't hurt them" thing. I used to despise that!!!

And you no longer despise it I take it?

So the guy I contacted actually met with me for a make out but since has pushed me away. Unlike before though I've become too attached to this guy, see he starting saying words like "love" to me and I let him go with it, this caused me to believe this ******* "loved me" Anyway, point is, I want to feel that high again, but at the same time this guy I want doesn't want me sexually, so I'm feeling very hurt and used, all my fat-girl insecurities are rearing their ulgy heads. I keep emailing him begging for attention and I hate myself for falling too hard for this guy. I don't think its love but rather infatuation and bordering on obsession. In the meantime I find myself losing interest in my hubby, his controlling ways are pissing me off.

Well if you weren't cheating he wouldn't have a reason really now would he?

Honestly, he shouldn't be controlling you. He should be divorcing you.

I feel like I'm that little girl again who's not allowed to have any fun. I'm 30 dammit!!!

You can have all the fun you like. Divorce your husband and you can contact as many different guys as you like to have sex with.

What are you waiting for?

My life has been consumed with nothing but church and college. I never been drunk, danced, partied, had a one-night-stand. I have all these dirty desires but I don't feel guilty about them. To be blunt, if an attractive man just wanted to have sex with me and walk away I'm up for it, especially if he were a "bad boy".

Aha, ladies that say the bad boys aren't what attracts women, take note!!!

So, what the hell's wrong with me!!! I have lost my moral views on infedelity and just wanna experience sex with other men...not necessarily love. Now this guy I want to know has pulled me into this emotional thing, and I want him so bad, but he won't give it to me. He says I'm marriage material and he don't wanna use me nor does he wanna be used.

Well the guy is dead wrong about you being marriage material. I think you would agree at this point wouldn't you?

I just wanna have an affair with this guy and see where it goes.

Why don't you just get a divorce?

And yes, I HATE myself for the way I feel and the desires I have

.

Uh, no, you don't. You already said you don't feel guilty about wanting to cheat on your husband. so which is it?

But I just wanna LIVE before I DIE!!

Thats all fine and dandy, but live your life without adversly affection someone elses. Get a divorce and you can live whatever life you want.

Divorce is very frowned upon in my family.

And cheating is not?

[creamlamps]

Thanks for the divorce suggestion, I hadn't thought of that one LOL. Seriously though, I dread hurting him. Also, my family and friends frown upon divorce. I'd be shunned. So looks like I'm in between a rock and a hard place. Sometimes I want to separate and have time alone but he'd never take me back. That's how he was when we were dating, the rule was this, "you date only me and no one else, or you don't date me at all". Thus the reason I never ventured out to see other people.

[Maladjusted]

If you feel that you are having these urges, do the honorable thing and divorce your husband. I won't condemn you for the way you think/feel, but if you know all of this about yourself then do what is right by your husband.

Then go out and do what you have to do. I think you'll find that what you want to experience is really an empty and meaningless existence. I know because I once lived a life like the one you want to live. However, some people need to go through hell before they can really appreciate what is to love.

Frankly, I don't think you need to party I think you need to work on your self esteem. You are looking to others to validate yourself and that isn't healthy.

[bish]

Originally Posted by creamlamps

But to those of you who want to judge me, ask yourself, "did I ever get a chance to sew my wild oats and have my share of fun, parties, sex"?

Nope, it wasn't my thing.

If you answer yes, then does that make me worse than you? I just didn't get to do that ever.....and now I feel empty.

L

I never felt empty about not partying. And never did I once think about cheating on my now xW. never entered my mind.

[bish]

Originally Posted by creamlamps

Thanks for the divorce suggestion, I hadn't thought of that one LOL. Seriously though, I dread hurting him.

You said you didn't feel guilty about cheating on him

Also, my family and friends frown upon divorce. I'd be shunned.

What do you think they would do if they found out you seek out men to have sex with? You better hope your husband doesn't have deep conversations with your family if he finds out you are soliciting men for sex.

But my guess is that he won't because you humiliated him.

So looks like I'm in between a rock and a hard place. Sometimes I want to separate and have time alone but he'd never take me back.

And nobody could blame him. So basically you are going to deny him a life and keep cheating on him. Nice.....real nice. Too bad he doesn't find out you are soliciting men for sex. Then maybe he'd grow a pair and file for divorce himself.

That's how he was when we were dating, the rule was this, "you date only me and no one else, or you don't date me at all". Thus the reason I never ventured out to see other people.

And the problem with that line of thinking is??? What do you think a committment is? Seeing other people?

[creamlamps]

BISH- wow you are so kind. Wonder if you've ever done anything wrong? Probably not.... not you. Wonder if you've ever lied? Nah, not you. BTW nice pic, practicing for Playboy?

So guess I'm outta here, you guys are indeed brutal to those who struggle with these desires, we are just supposed to turn them off I guess? Don't you think if I could I would reach inside and rip this thing outta me?

[creamlamps]

Dear BISH,
You seem very jaded, just so you know, I never had sex with anyone but my hubby. How many men have you slept with? And yes, when you are young and dating (that means seeing if you like someone before u get married), I think it's ok to date different people unless you "go steady" as they old schoolers say it. But he wouldn't allow it. And despite his control then I chose to stay because i liked him a lot. I'm glad you've "never had the desire" I guess that makes you Mary the Mother of God. SO fly up to heaven with all the other angels and look down on us lost sinful souls that can't be forgiven or redeemed. We can only hope to achieve your moral standing with God!

[creamlamps]

Dear Maladjusted,

Your advice is good and comes from years of maturity and experience. I will take it to heart, and try to follow it. Keep encouraging people like me to do the right thing without judgement. Even Jesus loved the harlett in the Bible.