Alright, well for some background, I have been with my boyfriend for about 4 months. We get along really well, are very attracted to each other, have great chemistry (general and sexual) and genuinely enjoy being around each other. It's a really nice well-rounded relationship. I see him about twice a week and usually spend the night.
When I first met him, I had just broken up with a guy I had been dating. And I shared a lot of what was going on with him. Basically, I broke up with this guy (ex boyfriend) because 6 weeks into the relationship he had become extremely clingy and involved, and told me he "loved" me and it just totally freaked me out (at the time I had gotten out of a long term relationship/engagement and just wasn't ready). I really didn't have the same feelings for him and to be honest didn't see myself developing those feelings any time soon. We had fun together and had great sex but that was about all I saw coming from it because we were extremely different. So anyways, I broke it off and when I met my current boyfriend, I told him about it and the reason why I ended it. He understood, agreed that a few weeks was way too soon for the "L" word. Shortly after we started dating.
So, it's been a little over 4 months, and I really like him. I actually see things going somewhere with him. Thing is, the "L" word hasn't been mentioned yet, not even a casual, "Love you", or anything. And I am young (21) so I have only been in a few relationships, but in all of them the "love" factor had come into play by four months in, if not sooner. He tells me (and shows me) how much he cares about me and how important I am to him, and we are in a committed and exclusive relationship.
Now I'm just wondering if he's afraid to say it since he knows it was a big reason why I ended my last relationship (he doesn't want to freak me out). I haven't said it or even mentioned it, because the idea of me saying it and then him telling me he doesn't feel the same way, makes me feel embarrassed, sad, and foolish. I don't like being in such a vulnerable position so I had decided to just wait until he says it. However I am not so sure anymore.
And listen, I know 4 months isn't that long, so of course I'm not freaking out. I'm just starting to think about it, and feel like I really do love him, and have been close to telling him so. I just keep reminding myself that that is not a good idea. Am I right, or should I just say it?
Why worry about something you you both don't feel yet ?
Give it some time.. Love has to form and 3-4 months is a bit early to be saying those words.. but it is coming around though..
If you love him.. then tell him... but don't say it unless you mean it..
I do feel like I love him. In fact there have been countless times where it has almost accidentally "popped out" in conversation, or when I'm leaving his place or saying goodbye on the phone.
I guess why I said "really like" at that stage of the post was because I hadn't shared the whole story yet. Sorry for the confusion. ;]
Very good point. No, I haven't. But then again, I he rarely sees/talks to his family and a lot of guys just don't say that stuff to their friends.
I do, however, know that he said it to his ex girlfriend, who he was with for only 6 months. Just because of some stories he's told me, where he included dialogue, and they frequently exchanged "i love yous". Not sure when in the relationship it came into play, I just know that it did.
OP, I'm with A_C....if you're feeling it and noting it starting to "slip out", just let it. Telling someone you love them is a great gift. Think of it that way, as a gift you give to him without expectation
itgirlragdoll.. Are you wanting to tell him ? or are you just wanting him to tell you ?
I have always come form the camp that feels if you love someone you tell them.. why hide it ?
If you think he will run then maybe you should bring it up casually in a convo or in a card.. sign it Love,itgirlragdoll..
Sometimes it only takes one person to break the ice...
I want to tell him...really badly. Like I said, sometimes it almost just comes out because it feels right. I just DON'T want to be in a situation where I have made an otherwise good relationship awkward and uncomfortable.
OP, tell me about how your BF responds to your actions of love. Do they scare him? Does intimate sex cause him to be fearful? Does he enjoy the "afterglow"? If he is comfortable with and appreciative of the actions of love, does it not follow he will be the same with the words?
I want to tell him...really badly. Like I said, sometimes it almost just comes out because it feels right. I just DON'T want to be in a situation where I have made an otherwise good relationship awkward and uncomfortable.
Ease into then...
Give him a deep kiss and pull away and while looking in his eyes say something like ".. I'm falling for you ".. or ".. I'm falling in love with you "..
If you think the time isn't right then don't.. but like I said.. I feel when you love someone you tell them.. ( unless of course the love isn't returned )
How do you think he will react to you telling him you love him ?
OP, tell me about how your BF responds to your actions of love. Do they scare him? Does intimate sex cause him to be fearful? Does he enjoy the "afterglow"? If he is comfortable with and appreciative of the actions of love, does it not follow he will be the same with the words?
Another very good point. He is comfortable with intimate, loving sex and also likes to cuddle up afterwards, with hugs and kisses on the forehead and whatnot. I would be lead to believe that this would mean he would be comfortable with the overall idea of love, as you mentioned.
I forgot to mention, there is a pretty large age gap, and that may have something to do with it. I am 21 and he is almost 32.
I'm in the same boat as you, girl...except I've been with my guy for 9 months (we're in our 30's, BTW), and we haven't exchanged the "L" word yet either...believe me, I'm a little worried! I feel the same way you do, about what if I say it first and he doesn't reciprocate the way I'm hoping...I'd feel $h!tty! And I sometimes feel I'll never hear it from him. I know he genuinely cares about me by some of the things he says/does, but hearing those 3 words (and him actually mean it) would make me melt! I've come really close to saying it to him, and I would so mean it if I did...I've never loved somebody so much like I do him!
I wrote him a letter a couple months ago confessing that I've fallen in love with him and how much he means to me, but nothing was really said about it. I did ask him about it just one time, about a week later, if he was okay with what was said in the letter, and his response was, "I'm fine...I wouldn't be here if I wasn't okay with it." So, I dunno...my insecurities tell me he didn't read it! I try to remind myself that he's had bad luck with relationships and maybe he's a little overprotected of his heart/feelings. I'm usually a patient person, but I'm starting to get impatient, and it might slip out soon!
Now I'm just wondering if he's afraid to say it since he knows it was a big reason why I ended my last relationship (he doesn't want to freak me out).
Likely his knowledge of your prior experience is part of it, yes. Plus that it has only been 4 months, as you say.
If you are feeling loving and loved (respected, appreciated, accepted, admired) then that is really what it's about, isn't it? The word itself does not create those feelings...whenever it comes, it'll kind of just confirm what you already know and feel. Icing on the cake, so to speak, and not the cake itself.
The thing that we (women) ought to keep in mind, is that men are in an equally vulnerable position when they go to say 'I love you', and they share the same fears of rejection and disappointment as we do.
Perhaps you can do your part to 'open a window' by simply expressing your gratitude about how he has helped you to become open to giving and receiving romantic love again, and how happy you are with him? -- No pressure just, "Thanks, this is so great!"-type of sentiments that will be self-nurturing and create the space for more and deeper.
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Give him a deep kiss and pull away and while looking in his eyes say something like ".. I'm falling for you ".. or ".. I'm falling in love with you "..
If you think the time isn't right then don't.. but like I said.. I feel when you love someone you tell them.. ( unless of course the love isn't returned )
How do you think he will react to you telling him you love him ?
That's the thing...I genuinely don't know. Part of me thinks he will reciprocate, and part of me thinks he will just kiss me on the head and say "that's nice baby." Then there's a little tiny piece of me that thinks he will get upset, however I don't think that's likely.
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I'm in the same boat as you, girl...except I've been with my guy for 9 months (we're in our 30's, BTW), and we haven't exchanged the "L" word yet either...believe me, I'm a little worried! I feel the same way you do, about what if I say it first and he doesn't reciprocate the way I'm hoping...I'd feel $h!tty!
Thanks, it's always comforting to hear when someone is in a similar situation.
OP, I'll give you my take....based on what you've said so far.
Your BF doesn't easily share words of love with people, though he does (if your impressions of his prior R are accurate) under certain circumstances. For him, both the time and feeling must be right. His actions indicate that he loves you, and you feel loved by him. You seem a bit fearful of taking the 'first step' of verbalizing that love and perhaps wish him to lead in that regard. It isn't a deal-breaker by any means, but it is on your mind.
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I feel the same way you do, about what if I say it first and he doesn't reciprocate the way I'm hoping...I'd feel $h!tty! 
And I sometimes feel I'll never hear it from him. I know he genuinely cares about me by some of the things he says/does, but hearing those 3 words (and him actually mean it) would make me melt! 
I've come really close to saying it to him, and I would so mean it if I did...I've never loved somebody so much like I do him! 
I try to remind myself that he's had bad luck with relationships and maybe he's a little overprotected of his heart/feelings. I'm usually a patient person, but I'm starting to get impatient, and it might slip out soon! 
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