I have been involved with a woman for almost a year now. Most of it has been long-distance. We've had some really good times together and some really bad times together. But we were in love and loved each other at one point. However, when things go bad, she would just shut off communication with me. She wouldn't reply to my emails and just keep hanging up on me if I call. I thought that people are supposed to work things out through communication. But she refused to do so, making things worse as the bad feelings are dragged out without any attempts at resolution. She also knows that she is hurting me by ignoring me, but she does it anyway. Is she some sort of sadist? Or is it a defense mechanism?

I was in a long-distance relationship for about 3 yrs. and do NOT recommend it. My opinion of your circumstances is that the distance is making her, well, distant... Hurting matters is the fact that she seems to be using it against you, knowing that you can't just drop by her place and work things out. Things may get worse if you can't work it out. In my experience with this type of relationship, problems that start small and could be easily solved get far worse because of long distance. And this is one of MANY disadvantages in a long-distance relationship. Keep that in mind and please re-think your priorities. Just my opinion.

I have been involved with a woman for almost a year now. Most of it has been long-distance. We've had some really good times together and some really bad times together. But we were in love and loved each other at one point. However, when things go bad, she would just shut off communication with me. She wouldn't reply to my emails and just keep hanging up on me if I call. I thought that people are supposed to work things out through communication. But she refused to do so, making things worse as the bad feelings are dragged out without any attempts at resolution. She also knows that she is hurting me by ignoring me, but she does it anyway. Is she some sort of sadist? Or is it a defense mechanism?

hi depressed,

a vital component of long distance relationships is effective communication. it is important for both parties to be able to feel that if they need to talk or write to the other person, communication will be welcomed and met with active communication from the other.

on the other hand, if she wants to make herself more distant emotionally than she is geographically, then the easiest thing for her to do would be to shut-down communication. she knows you can't confront her physically so she has taken the lazy (and somewhat logical considering the circumstances) alternative of just not communicating.

i think her lack of communication is a huge red flag. paradoxically, i also think her lack of communication is sending you a very loud and clear message...but only you can find out for sure.

while none of us here can say whether she's a sadist or if she's being defensive, i tend to lean towards the idea of her being just plain chicken and wanting out of the relationship without actually having to confront you...which of course would mean communicating.

i think it's up to you to grab the bull by the horns and just flat out tell her to come clean with her feelings. to not communicate will only delay the inevitable, if it is indeed the inevitable. if she refuses to communicate, then it probably is the inevitable. long distance relationships need honesty too.

best wishes