I find this forum really amusing...I read along and follow the responses of certain individuals and I can't help but notice that some of you are pretty critical. I find some of you to fairly judgemental and often pretty cruel. Are you people not able to provide constructive criticism or are you just so miserable that you feel the need to put people down based on their posts. Some of you think you're psychologists but you really need to re-evaluate the fact that you attack people while you "appear" to be trying to help them? Interesting.

[sparkle]

I'm in the US and the Constitution guarantees all people the right to trial by an impartial jury of their peers...

So I'm not a friend...nor a foe...just the impartial jury

Well that's my story!

Younger people often tend to be more judgemental because they haven't experienced or understood the ambiguities that life presents. I am not accusing anyone, but I understand where you're coming from because I feel the same way too when I read some of these responses. I don't usually follow the advice when I ask for it because 99% of the time the advice givers really have no idea of the "total picture" (how can you blame them?) and their perceptions are distorted by not being able to see the people asking for advice. I usually follow a tenth of their advice, then decide the rest on my own.

[Tony]

YOU ASK: "Are you people not able to provide constructive criticism or are you just so miserable that you feel the need to put people down based on their posts. Some of you think you're psychologists but you really need to re-evaluate the fact that you attack people while you "appear" to be trying to help them?"

When people post for advice here, they assume the risk of getting all kinds of replies from all kinds of people. More than 140 million people worldwide have access to this site via the World Wide Web.

The people who come here are free to post whatever response they feel is appropriate. Most have the very best intentions and truly want to help. Some who have been around here a long time are aware that many people in difficult situations are stuck or somehow wanting them to work out rather than face the fact they are in a dead end relationship.

When people are stuck, they won't pay attention unless you are extremely blunt and pound hard. Many times they are pissed at first...but come back weeks or months later to comment on how good the advice was.

Other times, people who have been in similar situations relate and empathize so well with the person who is going through something that they become very articulate and passionate in the advice they give.

I have never seen a post here that didn't contain at least some very excellent information.

If you are so brilliant, rather than try to change the world and try to control that which you will never control...why don't you share your wisdom with others and try to make a difference by balancing the troubling posts you read, in your opinion, with more balanced and rational versions that you can offer?

Couldn't agree more with what you wrote:

"If you are so brilliant, rather than try to change the world and try to control that which you will never control...why don't you share your wisdom with others and try to make a difference by balancing the troubling posts you read, in your opinion, with more balanced and rational versions that you can offer?"

Nuttin more annoying, I don't think, than some "anonymous" (or is perhaps a regular using a name to disguise themself with) critic who bitches and bellyaches but doesn't "appear" to devote any of THEIR time to offering much better advice. Aint that a hoot!

Tony--never said I thought I was brilliant...just couldn't help noticing the way people get put down for not being in control of their personal lives all the time and not automatically knowing right from wrong choices...

Laurynn--you happen to fall into the category of retarded posts...just like the one you just left for me. Alas, I rest my case...you've just helped me prove it.

Couldn't agree more with what you wrote:

"If you are so brilliant, rather than try to change the world and try to control that which you will never control...why don't you share your wisdom with others and try to make a difference by balancing the troubling posts you read, in your opinion, with more balanced and rational versions that you can offer?" Nuttin more annoying, I don't think, than some "anonymous" (or is perhaps a regular using a name to disguise themself with) critic who bitches and bellyaches but doesn't "appear" to devote any of THEIR time to offering much better advice. Aint that a hoot!

Ahhh..now I remember who you "really" are....the "I rest my case..you helped me prove it" was a whale-of-a-clue *wink*

Why "whatever name you go by", you sure sound soooo bitter and judgmental yourself, for a guy who *cough cough* won back his girl.

So where's all the GOOD and CARING and NON-JUDGMENTAL advice that you dole out to the good folks who come here? Come on, I'm lookin' around and don't see any. You sure you have any room to judge? Hmm, didn't think so :-)

constructive criticism does not mean sugar-coating ***** just because that's what people want to hear.

some of the posters on this board are so unbelievably stuck in a rut that the only thing that will really stick in their head is to hear something they don't want to hear. and whether or not an indiviual out there chooses to believe it or not, it is written with the best of intentions.

i'm getting really sick and tired of people bitching about advice because it didn't contain "oh my poor darling-diddy-widdums...that ache in your heart is really such a beautiful thing because it shows you know how to love....".

some of the best advice i have ever received from people is advice that hurt my feelings. it hurt my feelings because it hit the nail right on the head. if it wasn't applicable, i would have blown a big raspberry and walked away feeling nothing but ambivalence.

the more a problem is sugar-coated, the sweeter it is to become blase. i think it is almost mean to wave your hand in the air and tell them "nah....you've been an emotional wreck for over a year, but hey, it shows you have patience" (DUH!).

some people need a good kick in the pants for their own good.

there aint nothing wrong with being cruel to be KIND.

[Paul]

Hi!

While I certainly agree that certain people need that extra little motivation, I too have noted that a number of responses on here have been less than empathetic.

Friends or Foes does well to serve as a reminder that many of the people coming to LoveShack.org do so out of desperation to seek out some tidbit of information that will help them out of the predicament they find themselves stuck in. When we sit back and consider the likely route that would have brought them here, chances are they've probably heard the "advice" someone's dishing them out on this forum before.

There are many people, who in these sorts of situations, find a logical solution to fall into conflict with what they "feel" is right for them. Take for instance the classic stereotype of a battered victim of spousal abuse. While getting away from the abuser may be the most logical thing to do in these situations, we know from the accounts of victims here, in the media, and from other sources that getting out of that situation is one of the hardest things to do.

There comes into question a fine line between being cruel and being firm with a person seeking information here; a line that I think many regular posters cross without realizing. I know that it can be frustrating or even exasperating to have to dish out the same responses to one person over and over again as they seem to ignore the thoughts we put out there and that, removed from their situation, seem like the most logical thing to do. Learning to deal with those feelings is something that takes a lot of work and patience to develop. You have to remember that these people are perceiving reality from a different perspective then those of us who are looking from the outside in. Things aren't so clear when emotions and "feelings" are clouding rational thought.

I'm glad you raised this point, Friend or Foe. I'm only sorry I didn't get to respond to it sooner. Hopefully the thread won't get lost in the nether regions of the forum.

All the best,

Paul

Tony--never said I thought I was brilliant...just couldn't help noticing the way people get put down for not being in control of their personal lives all the time and not automatically knowing right from wrong choices... Laurynn--you happen to fall into the category of retarded posts...just like the one you just left for me. Alas, I rest my case...you've just helped me prove it.