[Ariadei]

I'm in a bit of a dilemma here. My boyfriend of roughly seven months is a very sweet and loving guy, who I'm head-over-heels about. And yet...

Alright, to set the story straight, I've known since pretty much the beginning that he had nude pictures of his ex (the girl he went out with before me, he broke up with her about half a year before we started dating). I found the pictures on his computer while trying to find the folder he has with pictures of he and I. He knows that I've seen them. And truth be told, I honestly didn't really care, because I figured they were, to say, meaningless to him and that he could care less whether they were there or not. So I didn't ask him to delete them or anything like that.

However, the other night I was on his laptop looking at some of his porn (we love to watch it together, and share videos with one another), and in his recent documents folder I ran into some of the naked pictures of his ex, along with a smattering of other random chicks posing nude. So I can only assume he was using the pictures of his ex to masturbate to.

Anonymous girls on the Internet, I could care less about, but his ex-girlfriend I take a tad bit more personally. It really shocked me, because I didn't even realize he still thought about her at all, much less wanted to get off to the image of her.

I haven't brought it up to him yet because I'm unsure how to do so. Any suggestions or tips for me? I don't really know how to handle this situation as I've never been in it before. Thank you for any help!

[Lovelybird]

there is a thread "let's turn porn around" in marriage section. and many other porn related thread in it, you will see how much harm porn can be. IMO you shouldn't even tolerate porn in your house, not even mention using it together with your bf.

so you will have serious confrontation about completely cutting off porn, or just let it go. Former is hard, but will have good result; the later will be easy and have fake peace, but you probably end up bitter and feel unfulfilled and learn to deny youself and your feelings

[Ronni_W]

Well...I could be wrong but "recent documents" is not a folder, per se. So, it's not necessarily that the ex's are in the same location as his "masturbation pics folder".

BUT he has looked at hers recently. And for whatever reason, that would also disturb me more than pics of some random, anonymous naked broads.

You may just want to handle it from what you absolutely know -- that he's looked at the pics recently. Unless that doesn't bother you (too much), and you'd only be really upset if he was also masturbating to them...?
Otherwise, you totally get to start a conversation based on just the fact that the pics have been accessed recently -- you don't need any more to support your feelings.

I would just tell the truth about how I came across them -- you didn't do anything underhanded, weren't trying to snoop, weren't feeling as if he's untrustworthy...nothing that you did is to feel guilty about.
Not really sure what I'd say, though: "I noticed you accessed the nude pics of Sue recently, so I'd really feel much more comfortable if you would delete them now"...??? (It sounds sane and reasonable to me, but you sort of have to go with your own gut, on that.)

[soda]

Originally Posted by Ariadei

I'm in a bit of a dilemma here. My boyfriend of roughly seven months is a very sweet and loving guy, who I'm head-over-heels about. And yet...

Alright, to set the story straight, I've known since pretty much the beginning that he had nude pictures of his ex (the girl he went out with before me, he broke up with her about half a year before we started dating). I found the pictures on his computer while trying to find the folder he has with pictures of he and I. He knows that I've seen them. And truth be told, I honestly didn't really care, because I figured they were, to say, meaningless to him and that he could care less whether they were there or not. So I didn't ask him to delete them or anything like that.

However, the other night I was on his laptop looking at some of his porn (we love to watch it together, and share videos with one another), and in his recent documents folder I ran into some of the naked pictures of his ex, along with a smattering of other random chicks posing nude. So I can only assume he was using the pictures of his ex to masturbate to.

Anonymous girls on the Internet, I could care less about, but his ex-girlfriend I take a tad bit more personally. It really shocked me, because I didn't even realize he still thought about her at all, much less wanted to get off to the image of her.

I haven't brought it up to him yet because I'm unsure how to do so. Any suggestions or tips for me? I don't really know how to handle this situation as I've never been in it before. Thank you for any help!

Have you talked to him about the issue? This might help. I don't recommend going into the discussion thowing out accusations or threats, but you might consider sitting down and telling him (calmly) the facts and letting him know that what you found makes you uncomfortable.

Your BF needs to respect your feelings, but it will much easier for him to do so if he is aware of your feelings on the issue.

I don't think he's probably "thinking of her." He gets to enjoy naked YOU, which honestly beats the crap out of a lifeless PICTURE of naked anyone on a computer.

He probably sees the issue this way. He probably thinks what he's doing isn't hurting anything, BUT he is hurting you, so you need to help him see reality, so he'll stop hurting you.

You will attract more flies with honey than vinegar. What you've presented as evidence does not suggest that he wants to crawl back to the beast that used to date. After all, why would he? He has someone better than her.

I think you will be okay, but I hope that you'll take my advice. Communication early makes communication later a whole lot easier. Don't let things fester and boil.

[lovelorcet]

Originally Posted by Ariadei

So I can only assume he was using the pictures of his ex to masturbate to.

That is a big assumption...

You knew they were there, you let it slide, don't get all insecure now that he actually looked at them.

[Alibi]

Originally Posted by lovelorcet

That is a big assumption...

You knew they were there, you let it slide, don't get all insecure now that he actually looked at them.

I agree, You had no problem with him having them. Why do you think he had them in the first place? It sure wasnt to remember the the great time he had with her at disney land. In my opinion by letting him keep them gave him free reign to do what he wanted with them. Porn is obviously ok with you two, and a picture is just a picture right??

[MinusTwo]

I don't think you need to worry about anything. He dumped her. Not the other way around. Every guy thinks about other girls while masturbating. I'm sure almost every guy has thought about one of their ex girlfriends while masturbating also. Is this a shared computer? If/not, it's his personal business, much like keeping old memories in a memory box.

[Ronni_W]

You knew they were there, you let it slide, don't get all insecure now that he actually looked at them.

I agree that it is too big a jump to go from "he has nude pics" to "he's masturbating all over them."

But, personally, I would allow such pics to exist if (a) I was secure enough within myself and about our relationship, and/or (b) if I didn't want to come on like an insecure freak.
As well to note, both OP and partner do share a sex life that includes mutual enjoyment of porn -- for them, nude pics/porn in general do not pose a threat at all.

To me, it's similar to my b/f having his wedding ring in his jewelry box versus him all-of-a-sudden starting to wear it. There is a difference in perception and reality between the two situations. But until he starts wearing it, why would I allow it to bother me? (It would only be my own beliefs about porn that would make it seem, to me, that the ring scenario is harmless but the nude pics scenario is harmful.)