[Blindsidedagainalive]

It has been 10 months since d-day.
I am not sure if we will reconcile as it has been so difficult since.

Anyway, we are still together technically.
We did discuss a lot about her affair which went on for 5 months.

Regarding the sex.
I only asked where and how often.
I did not ask for details whatsoever, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about it daily.
Should I ask anything? (did you both do oral?)
Does it end up satisfying if you can't stop wondering?
What are the pro's and cons.

Did any of you regret your decisions?

[Ronni_W]

From what I've seen in this and other forums, the details will only serve to feed your own obsessive and torturous mental images, and make you even angrier, sadder and more depressed than might otherwise be the case.

If you have an urge to satisfy, make up your own images -- they're not going to be any worse or better than whatever you may be told, anyway. And at least, when you're ready to stop wondering about it, you'll then also have the power/control to tell yourself it's just BS that you made up so you can let it go easier and quicker.

If you do choose to ask for details -- How do you envision that will HELP you achieve whatever goals you have about it? What are you hoping the details will do for your own peace of mind, ability to understand and/or forgive, and whatever else you want for yourself?

It really isn't whether anyone else is happy about or regrets their decision. It is, what are the chances that YOU will regret YOUR decision to press for details? That's really what you need to find out before you make your choice.

[username24]

If you need to know you should ask. However, think long and hard about whether you really want to know. Because once you know the truth you can never 'unknow' it. For me personally, I didn't ask the details of my WW's A. I only know general details like when, where, and frequency. I don't know if I could handle any more than that.

[norajane]

Assume the answer is yes, they did oral. Does knowing that help you, or make it worse?

If you must know, ask. But if it's only going to torture you with vivid mental images, then don't.

[Mr. Lucky]

I decided that my NEED not to know was greater than my WANT to know, if that makes sense. But then my marriage didn't survive the infidelity, so you'll have to make you own decision.

What is your current goal for your marriage? If you're trying to keep it together, why talk about something that certainly doesn't contribute to the process?

Mr. Lucky

[Dark-N-Romantic]

You don't need to know. This is the honest truth. It is bad enough that you have to deal with the fact an adultery has taken place. You don't need real images to hold on to. You don't need to know what they did together. If they did things you two do together, etc. Details will only add to the barrier the knowledge of infidelity has already put in place.


DNR