[bamboo70]

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year. After a few months of dating, we purchased a home and were engaged. We have only known each other for two years and five months. He is a musician who has two boys with his ex-girlfriend. He and his ex were off and on for over 9 years. They had the children after breaking up. Yes, they were still sleeping together. The children are 4 years old now. He claims that the last time he was with his ex (sexually), was three years ago.



A few months after we started dating (by this time we were looking for homes), he had to go visit his boys for their birthday. This is something he has done prior to meeting me. The boys live with their mother in a different country, which meant that my husband (boyfriend at the time) would be staying at his ex girlfriends house. I was totally opposed by the idea, however it happened. He made two trips that summer, and stayed at her house on both occasions. He also informed me that they slept in the same bed, but nothing happened. Apparently, their was no where else to sleep.



Later (months later) he informed me that she made a move on him, but he did not give in. Nearly 4 months after his visit, I received an email from the ex. She wrote him a nasty email (which she normally does) about him being a horrible father. He sent me a copy of the email, prior to replying to her. However, he forgot to remove my name/email address, so she knew that he sent me the email. She was extremely pissed that he allowed me to read the email. So, she cc'd me on her response to him and within her two pages, she added "did you tell your girlfriend that you cheated on her when you visited me....". After discarding my engagement ring, I immediately called him to ask if it was true, but of course he denied it. he said she was jealous..blah, blah, blah. so, i decided to call her to get more information. she stated that they were "intimate", meaning that they had oral sex. She claims that he did not want to have sex with her because of me. So, they stuck to the oral sex (three times).

This totally threw our relationship out of whack. She started sending me very long emails regarding his poor relationship with their children, and how dysfunctional their relation ship was while they were together. I did not respond to any of her emails. She cc'd him on everything that was sent to me. He then sent it to all of his friends and family members. THIS WAS A JOKE TO HIM AND HIS FRIENDS. They think she is crazy and this is something that she would "normally" do. I still don't believe that.



In any case, we got married and i tried to move on. LET IT GO! I kept telling myself that if it were true, then it happened before we were married. However, my husband is very flirtatous and he still keeps in contact with all of his ex-girlfriends. I can't get into the other stuff. there's too much. My concern at the moment is his children mother. He often communicates with the kids via web cam, which she is normally on. They talk every day (him and the kids). A few weeks ago she was here visiting friends in LA (with the kids) and she went to see him perform at a few of the clubs that he works at. Of course, she chose to go there when I was at home with THEIR children. My husband said they hardly spoke.....whatever.



So, a few days ago, i happened to walk in on him while he was speaking to the kids on the webcam. I had a chance to say hello. We spoke for a few minutes. After I got off, my husband went back on to say goodbye to the kids. As he was on, the ex walks by in her underwear - THREE TIMES. I was in total shock. He didn't even say anything. He did not acknowledge it at all. When I finally said something, he stated that she probably didn't realize the camera was still on. So i asked him if this often happens. Of course he said no. He never really communicates with her via the webcam. However, my husband is so into sexy pictures/videos (of me) and I just got the feeling that this is something that they do when I'm at work. He chooses to go on the webcam around 12 noon - during a time when i would never come home.



Just to get a better sense of the ex - she often curses and yells at my husband on a monthly basis. She cries ALL THE TIME. She told him that she can't stand the idea of him being with someone else. she hates the idea of her kids being around me. Through all the cursing and the yelling, he still treats her like gold. she can say no wrong. i don't understand the dynamics with their relationship, however, i have a gut feeling that they still have something going on. I don't know what to do at this point.

[torranceshipman]

For some reason tht last paragraph jumps out at me more than the rest of what you wrote...it sounds like they are in an A, as his actions are driving her mad, in the way a lot of OW might feel if they are in an A with a guy they love, who is stringing them along (saying one thing, doing another).

Think about it...he treats her like gold even though she is always having a meltdown-that might be because she is the mother of his kids, but possibly also because she is in love with him, he encourages her and they are having an A, but of course he has to placate her because she will have a lot of jealousy (of you) and will be miserable as she sees him so little, hangs onto his every little promise (that I am sure he breaks), etc...

She is probably sitting there thinking, wow, I've told his W all this and she still sticks around knowing he cheated?!

[fubarred]

She sounds crazy to me. The way he dismisses it and displays her temper tantrums to old mutual friends kind of makes me think that is the case. Maybe what she says is true, but consider the source before you go crazy over stuff.

She knew you were reading the emails, so she put that little easter egg in there for you to find. She used you to get back at him, because she was upset that he showed you the email. Maybe she tried to perform oral on him and he stopped her, maybe that was the "move" he said she tried to put on him...

She then starts bad-mouthing his parenting abilities to you. Her only real power over him at this point is to use his children against him. This also casts a different negative light on him in your eyes, so she is killing two birds with one stone there. As for him being nice to her and putting up with her crap... I've seen men do MUCH worse just to keep the mother of their children happy. Maybe he treats her nicely so he can continue to have a free and easy relationship with his kids...

Then the whole deal about parading around in her underwear in front of the webcam to get him excited... would she really do that with the kids sitting right there? Maybe his explanation there is correct too...

Maybe?