Three of us live in one of my parents houses; my girlfriend, my roommate and myself. I'm acting as property manager and maintainer for house that's currently undergoing a big renovation.
My roommate is an alcoholic and frequent scrip-addict, depressed musician. We've been friends for about 12yrs. I know how it is when you're crazy and I was married to crazy for four years. We've talked about his issues. I've told him to slow down on many occasions in a way that he respects. I'm not dumb when it comes to dealing with addicts.
So, on Friday night, we had a party (I'm not running a sober living home) my roommate is in his room all the time. I knock on the door to see if he's alright, I comment on how his guitar looks really nice alone against the wall "The lone guitar" I said, and he's like "Yeah... You want it?" I said "Wha... No man, uh you want to go have a smoke and talk about stuff?" and he came outside and I told him how his behavior was scaring me, and if there was anything I could do, asked him what his plans were for the evening and stuff...
An hour later, he proceeded to shave his head. He slept all of the following day. He came out of his room for a few minutes and then went back in.
Sunday: We finshed our backyard work on the house and enjoyed the pool and sun. My roommates dad came over and demanded to see his son. I was calm and invited him in, I proceeded to his room and he wasn't there. His car was in the driveway. I told him his son wasn't here, and he looked as if I was lying to him and he was really upset with me. Not yelling, just the look in his eye. Like I was irresponsible.
I've been really busy working full time and coming home and painting, cleaning, building etc... I had no idea he wasn't home. I do tend to wake him up if it's oddly late and invite him to hang out with us. I just don't know where he could have gone. By now, his phone is dead and nobody knows where he is.
I really don't know how to deal with this one. When somebody is doing radical things to get attention, I usually chalk it up to "You're doing crazy stuff, you're awesome". I don't buy into it anymore. My Xwife Xhausted me on that sh**. I try to talk and offer help and if they're not willing to talk with me then, well, eff-you. All you can do is be someones friend. If they decide to be self destructive, the best thing you can do is jump in and help and then quickly detache yourself from it.
In my dealings, if you show that you're concerned all the time and always answer when someone is being wierd, they'll consume you with it. I think maybe that's why he left... Maybe he felt as if no-one cared enough....
Now I have to file a missing persons report, they're going to raid my house and ask all kinds of questions, inform me of stuff about my friends addictive history and try to paint me out to be the negligent 25yr old who let is friend dissappear. So now what... He'll probably come back after all this has occured and everyone will be pissed off and that will make him even more unstable... UUhhggg.
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"Don't eff with me man! I am Ahab..."
Well it could all come out like you suspect, it could be a drama scene or the guy could have taken some drastic action and won't ever be back. Is shaving his head normal behavior or is that out of the box even for him? Generally there is a trend of people giving away possessions before committing suicide so this might be a possibility worth considering.
You don't say what the arrangement was with your roommate but in general, he is an adult and unless he is committed to an institution, he can't be watched 24/7. Also an adult does not have to check in or out with people that are essentially strangers that bunk together in a house though it is courteous to do so.
His father has no right to expect familial levels of responsibility from housemates and I'm curious as to why the father wouldn't file the missing persons report and take over the search after getting the information from you? That in itself seems odd to me.
Wow, this is a heavy situation. It sounds like you were trying to be a good friend, but he may need some professional help to work through his substance abuse and depression. If you see him again, tell him that you care about his well-being and that you support him getting help.
Three of us live in one of my parents houses; my girlfriend, my roommate and myself. I'm acting as property manager and maintainer for house that's currently undergoing a big renovation.
My roommate is an alcoholic and frequent scrip-addict, depressed musician. We've been friends for about 12yrs. I know how it is when you're crazy and I was married to crazy for four years. We've talked about his issues. I've told him to slow down on many occasions in a way that he respects. I'm not dumb when it comes to dealing with addicts.
So, on Friday night, we had a party (I'm not running a sober living home) my roommate is in his room all the time. I knock on the door to see if he's alright, I comment on how his guitar looks really nice alone against the wall "The lone guitar" I said, and he's like "Yeah... You want it?" I said "Wha... No man, uh you want to go have a smoke and talk about stuff?" and he came outside and I told him how his behavior was scaring me, and if there was anything I could do, asked him what his plans were for the evening and stuff...
An hour later, he proceeded to shave his head. He slept all of the following day. He came out of his room for a few minutes and then went back in.
Sunday: We finshed our backyard work on the house and enjoyed the pool and sun. My roommates dad came over and demanded to see his son. I was calm and invited him in, I proceeded to his room and he wasn't there. His car was in the driveway. I told him his son wasn't here, and he looked as if I was lying to him and he was really upset with me. Not yelling, just the look in his eye. Like I was irresponsible.
I've been really busy working full time and coming home and painting, cleaning, building etc... I had no idea he wasn't home. I do tend to wake him up if it's oddly late and invite him to hang out with us. I just don't know where he could have gone. By now, his phone is dead and nobody knows where he is.
I really don't know how to deal with this one. When somebody is doing radical things to get attention, I usually chalk it up to "You're doing crazy stuff, you're awesome". I don't buy into it anymore. My Xwife Xhausted me on that sh**. I try to talk and offer help and if they're not willing to talk with me then, well, eff-you. All you can do is be someones friend. If they decide to be self destructive, the best thing you can do is jump in and help and then quickly detache yourself from it.
In my dealings, if you show that you're concerned all the time and always answer when someone is being wierd, they'll consume you with it. I think maybe that's why he left... Maybe he felt as if no-one cared enough....
Now I have to file a missing persons report, they're going to raid my house and ask all kinds of questions, inform me of stuff about my friends addictive history and try to paint me out to be the negligent 25yr old who let is friend dissappear. So now what... He'll probably come back after all this has occured and everyone will be pissed off and that will make him even more unstable... UUhhggg.
This sounds like a tough situation to be in, I'm sorry you have to go through this. Try not to blame yourself in anyway here you have been a very good friend. It sounds like he is in need of help and the sooner he realizes that the better. I hope he turns up soon is ok. Hang in there.
AP
__________________ "If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. ~Mary Engelbreit
I asked my girlfriend yesterday, following this post if she could go grab his ID and give me all the info so that I could file a MP report. She found his ID and a suicide note.
The police came by and reviewed the estate. They decided to send an air unit to the hiking trail accross the street. After about four hours they found him next to a tree on his back. He's gone. He took my 357 magnum and killed himself.
I've lost my best friend. I'm kind of at a loss for words right now. Maybe in the following days I might have some introspective thoughts on this.
He died at 27, which is what he wanted I suppose. What I don't get is that we had so many good times where we are at the house. Great friendship, pool parties and the swearing of eternal alligience between all of us.
The last few months have been the greatest times of our lives. He even expressed this to me. I guess all of his internal strife had come to a peak within the last four days prior.
He had expressed in his detailed letter that he had fallen back into heroin and speed addiction. That he could never be clean and that we were all normal people. He apologized at great length and wrote his final wishes.
He was my best friend. He was the best guy I knew. So talented and so genuine. He's my only musician friend also. No more jam sessions. No more writing. It's all over. We were so close and have helped eachother through rough times. I don't know what to do or what to feel.
My girlfriend and I are on the other part of town with friends now. We'll be here for a few days. My house is like a memorial and it feels cold. I was actually fine with staying. I'm sad to leave the house. My girlfriend wanted some time over on this side of town to avoid being there alone while I'm at work, and I suppose that's just fine.
I'm all over the place really... I just start balling randomly which I guess is good. I just don't know what to think. I feel so bad.
I think you did the best thing a good best friend can do. Now you can hold him in your heart , forever loved
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"how do you gently break up with someone???..
Thats like saying how do I gently drive a monster truck through a china/glass/crystal shop.
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I'm very sorry that the worst of my suspicions turned out to be fact. Your friend/roommate must have been in a lot of pain to take the action that he did. Suicide is something that I will probably never understand because tomorrow is always another day and fresh starts are possible from the darkest places. Remember that this was his decision alone and was not your fault by even with the omission of things that you wish you would have said or done. My condolences and best wishes to you and his family.
On a side note, for future reference. It's important to secure firearms not carried on your person, in a locked container. You never know who may try to take it, or for what reasons.
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The beauty of the soul shines out when a man bears with composure one heavy mischance after another, not because he does not feel them, but because he is a man of high and heroic temper.
- Aristotle
On a side note, for future reference. It's important to secure firearms not carried on your person, in a locked container. You never know who may try to take it, or for what reasons.
Let's not assume he left the gun laying around. This guy was his bestfriend and chances are he knew where the key was to the cabinet.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. ~Mary Engelbreit
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