[Jolene]

Well.....

I hope someone can help me with this very difficult problem.

I have been married for almost three years and have a 10 year old son. My husband hasn't always shown his loyalty to me and my son when his sister asks for excessive favours, babysitting requests have come frequently and for extended hours sometimes her three kids have slept in our home so she could go out and have fun, and I end up doing most of the work. My husband and I both work, sometimes go through bouts of excessive overtime and we try to juggle both sides of our families and recently this year his mother was ill and actually died in January after he spent a lot of time and energy doing most of the work looking after her wellbeing. His sister did help, but ....

The final straw was two weeks ago, while we were on vacation his sister called us and said she wanted to know if we'd come over to her house when we got back to celebrate the family get together on the occasion of her four year old's birthday and did we want to combine my son's birthday since it was coming up. She suggested putting his name on the cake. So my husband called her back, confirmed and said we'd all be there for it.

So on the Sunday of returning from vacation, my son went to a birthday party with his old friends and I went shopping for the party favours to go to my sister-in-law's house later on. Then I pulled my son from the party early so we could get there to the family party. When we got home to freshen up before getting there, she had left a vm on our phone saying she did NOT put his name on the cake and decided (at the last minute) not to combine their birthdays.

Thing is, she's done things like this many times in the past. My husband and his entire family do not hold her accountable or think she does anything offensive and that I am too sensitive and easily offended.

All of his friends and family call him and email him at work and always have. This has left me out of some family plans that his sister has orchestrated in the past. Also, she has waffled on her commitments causing financial harm, physical inconsiderations and now emotional ramifications that involve my son.

So I sent her an email (because she does not call my home and talk to my husband since they all work for the same company, they just go over to his desk at work, call him there or email him there)

My email basically pointed out her current and past behaviours, how it affected me and my son, how it caused friction in my marriage and how I plan to just keep away from her indefinitely.

She responded with a character assassination of me as a person, that I am a bad mother and have always tried to keep my husband away from his family (even he says to me that these allegations are untrue)

But since doing this, I have disassociated with my husband's sister and his parents and other siblings will not invite me anywhere, but they will invite my son and my husband.

Can anyone suggest whether or not it would be okay to allow my son to engage these people who have all banded together because I had issues with my husband's sister as an invasion in our marriage?

should I keep my son back from the in-laws who alienate me? Should I let him go with my husband to visit them?

We are scheduled for marriage counselling in August. I hope it helps but I don't know how happy either of us can be with his family being the way they are, and him not taking a position on any of the issues that have been on the table for too many years with regard to his sister and her crazy-making ways.

[quankanne]

let your son be part of the family functions as much as possible. Sounds like SiL harbors some kind of grudge against you, but that shouldn't exclude your boy from enjoying his time with the family. Well ... as long as he feels comfortable going, there, you know?

as for SiL, argh! A drama queen, no doubt ...

[jon01]

The sister in law definitely sounds like a bit**. It's one thing she changed the name on the cake last minute, but for her to respond to your email to pour more gas on the fire just shows she has little respect for her own brother in attacking his wife. Family members need to be really careful, you can't just confront someones spouse like that. If she was more mature and had any sort of intelligence, she would have apologized and expressed her concerns in a civil way (or not respond at all). The fact she character assassinates you means she couldn't care less if it creates new friction between you and your husband. All in all, what she and her mommy are doing is driving the brother/son further away from his #1 priority - HIS WIFE.