I'm an idiot (distant) husband.

[highfive]

Long story short: Married 20 years, two kids. Good marriage, but wife does not show affection much which makes me insecure from time to time.

 

I have been working around the clock the last few weeks and I can tell that she has been feeling neglected. Today she was in a poor mood so I asked her what was wrong: "nothing" she said, so like a fool, I asked why she was so distant, and that she has been distant for some time. She then turned very cold, but later she told me that this insulted her greatly, that she has not been distant, and that I had no right to say it. She then suggested that perhaps I am the distant one because I am so consumed with myself and work.

 

I did not argue. I finally now know that she is right, I can be distant when I am preoccupied with work, which is often. Now I know that this is why she is distant. What a fool I have been.

 

Its a crazy circle that has been going on for years: I am "not there", she pulls away, I take notice and ask her why she is so distant. Usually she says nothing, but this time he words made sense to me.

 

I said I was sorry, but she is very angry with me, and she probably will be for some time. I am truly sorry, and want to fix this for good, but how? I know she will not go for MC, but I am the one that needs help. Any advice? What should I do, or say? How should I express that I sorry, and that I want to change?

[Daisyloo]

I think for a start you should show her your post. It will show her how serious you are and begin the discussion of how things can change. Good luck Xx

[quankanne]

something I tell my husband when he does some bone-headed thing and thinks saying "sorry" will heal things: Saying sorry means you're not going to do that again, that you're aware of why that hurt, and you change your ways. Not just spit out a heartfelt phrase because you think that's all there is.

 

when the opportunity presents itself, DO apologize, and then tell her why. Even if it's confessing that you suddenly realize that what you were doing was stupid because it hurt her/your relationship, and you don't want that to happen anymore.

 

as a wife, I'd find that much more credible as an apology because it tells me that you've actually thought about it, and that you *understood* the behavior is hurtful, and that you want to go about doing things differently. Oh, I might still be upset, but when my spouse shows that kind of insight into the problem, I realize that hope isn't lost.

 

and I'm guessing your wife isn't much different when it comes to these things.

 

as for counseling, YES! Go. It's not about pointing fingers but about getting the tools you need to strengthen your relationship, even when it's a good one. You can never have too tools of good communication.

[whichwayisup]

You two need to get away alone and bond. The love is there, there's just some hurt feelings and resentments that have built up over time, but with patience, understanding, talking, listening to one another, and most of all, dropping the ego (of who's right, who's wrong, your fault, her fault etc) and take responsibility for your own parts in the distance between you two, your marriage IS fixable, as long as you both want it to work.

 

Bring her home some flowers, start doing nice things for her. Communicate your thoughts, feelings with her. Make HER your number one, not number two. Work is work, but this is your wife! She has to feel loved, important and special, just like you need to hear that from her as well. Let her know this too.

[carhill]

OP, welcome

 

Work less. It won't matter when you're dead how much you worked

[Ronni_W]

, but wife does not show affection much ... I have been working around the clock the last few weeks and I can tell that she has been feeling neglected. ...so I asked her what was wrong ... , I can be distant when I am preoccupied with work, which is often.

I know she will not go for MC

I'm actually not clear why you asked her what was wrong when YOU ALREADY KNEW that the answer was that YOU have recently been acting distant and neglectful.

 

As your wife, I might find that rather frustrating -- it might generate a thought like, "What are you...an idiot? Have you not NOTICED that you've been wrapped up in your work and ignoring your marriage???" And, if that is an on-going pattern, I'd have been growing increasingly frustrated...and feeling quite resentful after 5, 10 or 20 years. I'd be shutting down, too, most likely.

 

You are suggesting that your wife is the distant one but it sounds as if that characteristic might start with you...hers might be in reaction to yours.

 

A life coach may be able to help you gain some work-life-self balance. If you are using work to hide from the emotional intimacy of marriage, likely an individual therapist would be a more beneficial option.

 

There is a chance that you do NOT "know" her feelings about marriage counseling. Even if she has rejected it in the past, it does not necessarily mean that she'll not agree to MC now. Until she confirms what you think you know, labeling your thought as just your opinion or 'educated guess' will leave the space for expanded possibilities.

 

The other poster is correct that you express a sincere desire to change by making the effort to bring about the changes that you want. Without any actions to support that you are "sorry", it is just a word.

 

It is terrific that you have finally decided to do something about patterns and habits that aren't serving you and your wife too well -- congrats for that, and best of luck.

[highfive]

Thanks Ronnie, and for all the others that replied. Very useful tips.

 

I know that I am not avoiding emotional intimacy, I crave it! My wife can often be distant, and I get paranoid when she is, but now I think I understand that she gets distant in reaction to me being distant first (consumed with work, and not listening enough). Sounds crazy hey?

 

I try my very best to work hard on our marriage, and to be a good provider and father to our kids. I am never disrespectful or insulting, just too consumed with work.

 

In a way I am glad this happened because I now understand, and will work hard to improve my behavior. I love my wife dearly, I am committed to my marriage and will do anything to keep it alive.

 

My plan is to leave her a note (and a small gift) explaining that I am very sorry, that I understand why and how I hurt her, that I have been the distant one and promise to work hard to separate work from home. I will mix my words up if I try to talk with her about this, and I don't think she wants to talk right now.

 

Sound good? Any more tips?

[Dark-N-Romantic]

20 years. I congradulate you on making it happen. I don't think either one of you are distant actually. I think there is a miss communication somewhere. I think you did not tell your wife in advance that you may be working late for a bit. If I may ask, is this like something that comes at regular intervals in your job? For example, I had to deal with Marines who had to be separated from their wives for six months or more when we went on deployment and that is probably one of the most stress full and damaging things to a marriage. If certain knowledge is known before hand, you need to let her know in advance and spend a lot more time with her before hand, as well as getting done any little things she has been on you about.

 

Following that, once the extra work has begun, you need to take every little moment you have inbetween to reconnect with your wife. This might mean lunch or dinner out somewhere or getting her away from the kids (if they are not grown yet) and spend some alone time with you and her, maybe even buy her a few special gifts she has wanted that you could not find a good time to get to her. For our Marines it was phone times and making sure they sent out letters often. Also, make sure this time is her time, not your time, she needs to feel like you are connectioning with her and so no long discussions about work or talks about how bad things are for you, she knows this, but she wants to know if you know she is suffering with and for you.

 

Lastly after the deed is done, make some down time! If you have sick days, take one or two and just be their with her. If you have vacation time, plan something for a day or two, but you need to reconnect with her. I would suggest look for a local retreat for couples where you could do a combination counseling session and reconnection activity. This could range from a couple's spa to a exploration of the tantric arts.

 

Now another thing I notice you talked about is a cycle... It is important right now to go back over these cycles. Find out the who, what, when, why, where, and how these cycles come and how they work. If you can't figure this out, then yes a counselor can help you find that rythem, that way you know how to deal with it.

 

You have done great for 20 years and I can only pray that I am as blessed as you are. Thank you for sharing with us.

 

 

DNR

[whichwayisup]

Thanks Ronnie, and for all the others that replied. Very useful tips.

 

I know that I am not avoiding emotional intimacy, I crave it! My wife can often be distant, and I get paranoid when she is, but now I think I understand that she gets distant in reaction to me being distant first (consumed with work, and not listening enough). Sounds crazy hey?

 

I try my very best to work hard on our marriage, and to be a good provider and father to our kids. I am never disrespectful or insulting, just too consumed with work.

 

In a way I am glad this happened because I now understand, and will work hard to improve my behavior. I love my wife dearly, I am committed to my marriage and will do anything to keep it alive.

 

My plan is to leave her a note (and a small gift) explaining that I am very sorry, that I understand why and how I hurt her, that I have been the distant one and promise to work hard to separate work from home. I will mix my words up if I try to talk with her about this, and I don't think she wants to talk right now.

 

Sound good? Any more tips?

 

Great idea!

 

Add in the note that you want to be closer to her and you hope that she welcomes it. Don't say I hope you can put the same effort in too. (that's a conversation to have eventually if you feel you're doing most of the work to make her feel special and loved).

 

Plan date nights, have fun! Be silly, hold hands and reconnect.

[SunnySideUp]

highfive KUDOS on being so pro-active about wanting to fix your marriage!

 

Do you two spend time alone together regularly? If not I'd say it's time to start that. Plan dates, even though it means getting a babysitter. It's so worth it.

[Ronni_W]

I know that I am not avoiding emotional intimacy, I crave it! My wife can often be distant, and I get paranoid when she is,

In the past, how have you facilitated your wife's participation in fulfilling your craving for emotional intimacy? That is, what have you consciously and actively done to meet your own need for emotional intimacy?

 

Also, is it possible that what you sensed as feelings of "paranoia" and "insecurity" were actually your own 'inner voice' trying to tell you that you were acting neglectful and distant? -- kind of more like feelings of "guilt", which you tried to turn around and put on your wife (more or less blaming her for generating your "paranoid, insecure" feelings instead of taking ownership for being the source of the whole dynamic in the first place?)

 

 

Personally, I am not into being asked to accept flowers, promises and gifts as (sad) replacements for what is really lacking in my relationship...not even the Hope Diamond can help someone feel heard, appreciated, loved, safe, etc.

 

I'd suggest to also just start giving what you know is missing -- YOU -- your time, energy, mind and heart!

Learn how to better express yourself verbally, so that the most important communications in your marriage do not rely on 'notes'. (Use your business communication skills -- look for commonalities, create rapport, do not negate the other's position, know and communicate what YOU want and need, be open, honest and clear, seek win-win outcomes, compromise, etc. Follow similar guidelines with your wife -- with a bit of 'love language' thrown in, of course .)

[highfive]

I just came home from another business trip. My wife had a very hard time with our family while I was away and this morning she told me everything that has been hurting her. That I have been away too much, that I have been too distant, that I don't always listen to what she is saying. I did not deny it, I admitted to be being wrong again, and that I was very sorry.

 

She says that she needs some space and time away for her, which I understand. I will do anything to make this work, but its a pattern that keeps reoccurring, and I can't seem to stop it completely. I just get too caught up with work and I get distant. I do my very best to stop it but it keeps happening. I am worried sick that I am losing her, and I deeply regret the hurt I have caused.

 

Any advice?

[carhill]

Any advice?

 

Yes, see post #5. It's really simple. Work...make lots of money...pay child support and alimony and have no family. Work less.... own fewer toys, go fewer places, have less bling, but see smiling faces of children and wife more and be with them.

 

It's really simple and it's about priorities. What are your priorities...?

[Ronni_W]

, I admitted to be being wrong again, and that I was very sorry.

It is not that you are being "wrong" -- it is that you are acting in ways that are detrimental/destructive to what you say you want.

 

When we start thinking in terms of "she is right, I am wrong", it conjures up the image and dynamic of some helpless schoolboy being taken to task by his mean old, biatch of a teacher. You are not that, and she is not that.

 

Maybe just saying "very sorry" did work for you when you really were a schoolboy. But if you are expecting that to work in adulthood, then your own belief/hope about it will bite you in your butt. And bite you hard!

 

but its a pattern that keeps reoccurring, and I can't seem to stop it completely. I just get too caught up with work and I get distant.

Highfive, that is just so much crap. We are in charge of ALL our thoughts and actions. There is no mysterious or mystical power that is forcing you to maintain these patterns that are destroying your marriage. Those are conscious, willful acts that you are undertaking -- you KNOW when you are engaging, or beginning to get caught up, in them.

 

Call them 'unconscious coping strategies', if that will help you take ownership of them.

Then ask: how is the strategy intended to help you? -- what is it helping you avoid? -- what is it helping you achieve/maintain? What would happen if you STOPPED being 'SchoolBoy' and started acting like 'ResponsibleAdult'? Best and worst case scenarios?

 

Just worrying is useless and unhelpful. Just saying "very sorry", at this point, is ineffective and non-productive. Saying that you do not have the personal power to be a better partner is BS.

 

Raise your own bar about what you consider to be your "very best"...you do have a new level of "personal best" inside of you. If you really do want your marriage to become all that it can be, then you would be wise to start working towards achieving something much higher than you've been willing to settle for, to date. It's up to you...and you DO have the power!

 

Hugs, and best of luck.

[Lucky_One]

Yes, see post #5. It's really simple. Work...make lots of money...pay child support and alimony and have no family. Work less.... own fewer toys, go fewer places, have less bling, but see smiling faces of children and wife more and be with them.

 

It's really simple and it's about priorities. What are your priorities...?

 

Good advice. You aren't too scared, or you would have worked on this harder in the last two months.

 

She is going to be one of the married women who come to LS and say "I started talking to my widowed neighbor bc my H never pays attention to me and always is at work and his family is so mean to me, and I have fallen in love with another man. What do I do?"

 

I would also get a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs" and work the book and the exercises together. This will show her that you are being pro-active and you will have excellent chances of listening to her and really hearing how she feels.

[highfive]

It is not that you are being "wrong" -- it is that you are acting in ways that are detrimental/destructive to what you say you want.

 

When we start thinking in terms of "she is right, I am wrong", it conjures up the image and dynamic of some helpless schoolboy being taken to task by his mean old, biatch of a teacher. You are not that, and she is not that.

 

Maybe just saying "very sorry" did work for you when you really were a schoolboy. But if you are expecting that to work in adulthood, then your own belief/hope about it will bite you in your butt. And bite you hard!

 

Highfive, that is just so much crap. We are in charge of ALL our thoughts and actions. There is no mysterious or mystical power that is forcing you to maintain these patterns that are destroying your marriage. Those are conscious, willful acts that you are undertaking -- you KNOW when you are engaging, or beginning to get caught up, in them.

 

Call them 'unconscious coping strategies', if that will help you take ownership of them.

Then ask: how is the strategy intended to help you? -- what is it helping you avoid? -- what is it helping you achieve/maintain? What would happen if you STOPPED being 'SchoolBoy' and started acting like 'ResponsibleAdult'? Best and worst case scenarios?

 

Just worrying is useless and unhelpful. Just saying "very sorry", at this point, is ineffective and non-productive. Saying that you do not have the personal power to be a better partner is BS.

 

Raise your own bar about what you consider to be your "very best"...you do have a new level of "personal best" inside of you. If you really do want your marriage to become all that it can be, then you would be wise to start working towards achieving something much higher than you've been willing to settle for, to date. It's up to you...and you DO have the power!

 

Hugs, and best of luck.

 

Ronni,

 

Thanks for very much for comments and advice. I do really want this marriage and family to last, and I understand your comments about raising the bar. I know that this will take time to heal, and action speaks louder than words, but how can I show her, right now, that I do understand and am going to change the way I am?

[Ronni_W]

but how can I show her, right now, that I do understand and am going to change the way I am?

Honestly?

1. Schedule a session of individual counseling for yourself.

2. In the meantime, head on over to marriagebuilders.com, and print two copies each of 'emotional needs' and 'lovebusters' questionnaires.

3. Tell her the day and time of your IC session.

4. Ask her if she wants to complete one or both of the questionnaires, and if she'd like the two of you to discuss it with each other, after having taking the time to honestly and properly complete it. If she is not interested at this time, that is perfectly fine and acceptable. Do not make a fuss or start thinking negatively about it.

5. Give your 100% truth and honesty and efforts in your counseling process. (Understand that it is a process...you likely will need a series of sessions.)

 

6. Remember that you are doing this for what YOU want...for your own happy and successful marriage. NOT for your wife, family or friends. You need to keep it firmly in mind that this is ALL FOR YOUR OWN DESIRES AND NEEDS. (In that sense, these are all SELF-serving actions. Use this type of thinking to stay inspired and motivated to do what you need to do, so that you can have what YOU want to have.)

 

Again. Best of luck. It is all in your hands, and within your own power.

 

EDIT: Another 'thing to do' -- learn, especially, about how to listen: http://www.coping.org/dialogue/content.htm

That will be key for you when you two get to discussing each others questionnaire answers. And also, learn how to better express your own wants and needs -- again, for when you are opening up about your own answers to said questionnaires.

[2sunny]

Ronni,

 

Thanks for very much for comments and advice. I do really want this marriage and family to last, and I understand your comments about raising the bar. I know that this will take time to heal, and action speaks louder than words, but how can I show her, right now, that I do understand and am going to change the way I am?

 

seems you are acknowledging that there is an issue with your marriage - then you just continue on the same path... while saying you're sorry and buying a token gift. you admit to working too much and then leave on business for her to handle all the crap and then still feel insignificant when you return.

 

that doesn't fly when you are a wife who essential feels ignored. she feels totally disregarded in your eyes. you must break the pattern and CHANGE things for her to see that things will be different/better.

 

call her and tell her you are leaving work early. plan an impromptu evening with her. listen to her while you're with her. participate in the conversation and the marriage. make her feel important in your life. if you don't, she will find someone who will.

 

do simple and kind gestures for her. while she's sitting for a moment - rub her feet. make her coffee in the morning and bring it to her. give her a sweet card for no reason. put gas in her car.

 

in other words, what can YOU do to CONTRIBUTE to make your relationship with her better.

[Ronni_W]

call her and tell her you are leaving work early. plan an impromptu evening with her. listen to her while you're with her. participate in the conversation and the marriage. make her feel important in your life.

Yes, exactly.

At the same time, in order for these to become permanent new habits -- THE new way of being (not just 'acting') -- it would be important to get to the underlying causes and motivations of the old thoughts and behaviours. The genuine change needs to happen on the inside...so that future (new, positive) actions and interactions will be automatic and congruent with what is going on, internally.

Otherwise one just ends up with (inner) turmoil, conflict and chaos over differences between "true/real" thoughts & beliefs and "fake" actions -- and that's a whole 'nother mess that we just don't need. IMO.

[highfive]

seems you are acknowledging that there is an issue with your marriage - then you just continue on the same path... while saying you're sorry and buying a token gift. you admit to working too much and then leave on business for her to handle all the crap and then still feel insignificant when you return.

 

that doesn't fly when you are a wife who essential feels ignored. she feels totally disregarded in your eyes. you must break the pattern and CHANGE things for her to see that things will be different/better.

 

call her and tell her you are leaving work early. plan an impromptu evening with her. listen to her while you're with her. participate in the conversation and the marriage. make her feel important in your life. if you don't, she will find someone who will.

 

do simple and kind gestures for her. while she's sitting for a moment - rub her feet. make her coffee in the morning and bring it to her. give her a sweet card for no reason. put gas in her car.

 

in other words, what can YOU do to CONTRIBUTE to make your relationship with her better.

 

Thanks Sunny, most of the time I am very attentive, supportive and loving. The problem is that there are periods when there are big technical projects at work and I tend to get caught up with them to the point that I am preoccupied when not at work, and not really "there" when I'm at home or with her. I can even tell when it is happening but just can't seem to stop it completely. This is not all the time, but often enough that I know it upsets her, and with good reason. I must find a way to break the cycle or I fear that I will lose her. The comments are very useful, and I know I have to change, I just hope it is not too late.

[Ronni_W]

The problem is that

Hey, highfive.

If you won't mind me saying: The problem is that...you insist on BS'ing yourself with the same old, same old CRAP!!!

 

You will need to give that up, if you do not want to be too late. There is nothing to "hope" for, about this. But there is much to DO.

STOP allowing yourself to be lied to and misled by your own excuses, justifications and rationalizations. Seriously.

[DealingWDrama]

The Five love languages by Gary Smalley...check it out...google it...

[highfive]

Hey, highfive.

If you won't mind me saying: The problem is that...you insist on BS'ing yourself with the same old, same old CRAP!!!

 

You will need to give that up, if you do not want to be too late. There is nothing to "hope" for, about this. But there is much to DO.

STOP allowing yourself to be lied to and misled by your own excuses, justifications and rationalizations. Seriously.

 

Thanks again Ronni. I don't mind you saying that, I needed a kick to get on with the DOING. Worrying about the past, and hoping it will be OK, are a complete waste of time. I must now focus my energy on making the changes to make it right.

 

I hope other Distant Husbands read this post, and understand how destructive their habits can be to a marriage. Listen to me: Stop the distant behavior before it is too late.

 

Thanks Ronni,

[highfive]

My wife has now told me that she wants 3 to 4 days away for her to spend some time "on her", probably at a spa,

 

I understand this to a point but this is the first time in our marriage that she has ever wanted this.

 

Of course I am wondering if this is the first step in her leaving me.

 

How should I react?

[2sunny]

My wife has now told me that she wants 3 to 4 days away for her to spend some time "on her", probably at a spa,

 

I understand this to a point but this is the first time in our marriage that she has ever wanted this.

 

Of course I am wondering if this is the first step in her leaving me.

 

How should I react?

 

well she seems to be disconnecting... most likely because you describe your inactions with her.

 

you recognize the problem - but you aren't willing to act on it.

 

once a gal has a foot out the door - the less your chances of making things right.

 

what's so difficult with my suggestions from earlier? or did you make an effort for alone time with her tonight? do some simple kind gestures for her and her well being?

 

start thinking of ways to show her that you are making an effort for her and for both of you to reconnect on different levels. kiss her neck from behind, tell her something sweet about herself, buy her some perfume...

 

i don't know - but tell me what you are doing to try!