[evampr18]

ok we were together for 6 months. we recently broke up- break. whatever you call that. and a couple months back things started going bad. he is very very very easily offended and dramatic. i feel like i am walking on eggshells with him all the time. our relationship and everything in it is either super awesome or super crappy. there is no middle whatsoever. he is very protective and jealous and possessive and difficult. and i dont think before i speak. i am not easily offended. but i do know i can be extremely critical. the problem is this. i recently came clean to him about a stupid lie i made up to impress him. i know i know. ridiculous. but anyways, i lied to him about a previous guy i was with. my friends tell me i am way too honest and open about my past with other guys and thats why i am where i am today. they tell me i was way to honest about everything and that i should have kept the details vague. but i think differently i think i should tell him everything.so i told him i lied to him and he broke up with me. now he says he doesnt trust me. and that its very hard to get his trust back. that hes cursed and that this relationship will end like all his others. that i will end up hating him that he doesnt believe anything i say. so what in the hells name am i supposed to do. i told him id change and i have been changing . obviously its not a 48 hours thing and last time i checked theres no guideline for regaining your spouses trust. so how can i have him trust me again when he wont even try. i always tell him where i am. i call him when im there, when im leaving. i even avoid going out because i know hes gonna tell me im with some other guy or that im probably going clubbing. i live in miami and i think a six year old has gone clubbing more that i have. and he knows that. so what do i do? ahh i feel like im not being clear about this. i love him, if he asked me to id marry him tomorrow. he questions everything i say. everything i do. but hed even do that before all the problems. and when i say that we had little problems he says, we dont have problems. the issue is that you lied to me and how many lies does it take to make you a liar? how many times do you have to cheat to be considered a cheater? how many times do i have to hit you to be abusive? he turns things on me and he always ends up being right and i feel like the dumbass. help please... i just want him i want to be with him.

[evampr18]

s.o.s. s.o.s. s.o.s. s.o.s.

[Stockalone]

Originally Posted by evampr18

ok we were together for 6 months. we recently broke up- break. whatever you call that. and a couple months back things started going bad. he is very very very easily offended and dramatic. i feel like i am walking on eggshells with him all the time. our relationship and everything in it is either super awesome or super crappy. there is no middle whatsoever.

So you had problems very early on in the relationship. That doesn't sound good. And going from one extreme to the other is also not good.

If you feel the need to walk on eggshells and that you have to be careful about what you say, it makes it very hard for a relationship to grow.

It certainly isn't an ideal situation. Are you sure he is the right man for you if you can't be yourself around him?

Originally Posted by evampr18

he is very protective and jealous and possessive and difficult. and i dont think before i speak. i am not easily offended. but i do know i can be extremely critical. the problem is this. i recently came clean to him about a stupid lie i made up to impress him. i know i know. ridiculous. but anyways, i lied to him about a previous guy i was with. my friends tell me i am way too honest and open about my past with other guys and thats why i am where i am today. they tell me i was way to honest about everything and that i should have kept the details vague. but i think differently i think i should tell him everything.so i told him i lied to him and he broke up with me.

I am possessive, protective and also a bit jealous. I guess that also means I am difficult. There is a good chance that he will never change, if that is who he is.

I am a bit confused about him being offended though. Can you give an example what you said or did that caused this?

Personally, I hate being lied to and I once ended a relationship because I had been lied to during the early stages of dating and the truth came out months later. May I ask what exactly about your past you lied to him? That might shed some light on why he felt this lie was reason enough to break up with you.

Originally Posted by evampr18

now he says he doesnt trust me. and that its very hard to get his trust back. that hes cursed and that this relationship will end like all his others. that i will end up hating him that he doesnt believe anything i say. so what in the hells name am i supposed to do. i told him id change and i have been changing . obviously its not a 48 hours thing and last time i checked theres no guideline for regaining your spouses trust. so how can i have him trust me again when he wont even try.

If he won't even try to trust you again, it will never work. I am sorry if that sounds harsh, but that is what I believe. You need two people to rebuild trust in a relationhsip, if one isn't willing to do their part, I don't see how it can possibly work.

Originally Posted by evampr18

i always tell him where i am. i call him when im there, when im leaving. i even avoid going out because i know hes gonna tell me im with some other guy or that im probably going clubbing. i live in miami and i think a six year old has gone clubbing more that i have. and he knows that. so what do i do? ahh i feel like im not being clear about this. i love him, if he asked me to id marry him tomorrow.

Unless you cheated on him, I would say that he is paranoid for being that suspicious. And even if you had cheated on him, it would still be not healthy for him to be thinking you are out with other guys. This kind of thinking will eat you up from the inside.

To be honest, I am surprised that you would be willing to marry him. But I am sure he also has positive sides or you would not put up with him being that controlling.

Does he make you call him and tell you wherever you go or is that something you do on your own?

Originally Posted by evampr18

he questions everything i say. everything i do. but hed even do that before all the problems. and when i say that we had little problems he says, we dont have problems.

If you have been lied to, that is a natural response when trust is shattered. If you lied about one thing, what else might you have lied about?

However, if he was that way before you had problems, that is very different and that is not normal. There is a fine line between being possessive and a bit jealous and being controlling and unable to trust. And if he doesn't trust you when you give him no reason to believe otherwise, he is being controlling and has problems he should address before he can have a lasting relationship.

Another thing that bothers me is that he doesn't seem to care about the things that are important to you. When you feel there are problems, the very least thing he can do is listen to you and talk with you about why he feels differently.

Originally Posted by evampr18

the issue is that you lied to me and how many lies does it take to make you a liar? how many times do you have to cheat to be considered a cheater? how many times do i have to hit you to be abusive? he turns things on me and he always ends up being right and i feel like the dumbass. help please... i just want him i want to be with him.

Did you cheat on him? That would explain some of his behaviour.

Did he ever hit you? If that is the case, you need to get out of this relationship as long as you can.

And if he makes you intentionally feel like you are inferior, that is also abusive behaviour. You don't have to accept being treated this way.

From what you have written, your guy doesn't sound like someone who respects you for who you are. Maybe I am too hard on your bf, but without knowing what you did (or what he thinks you did), it is difficult to give more helpful advice.


PS:
You really should use paragraphs. It makes it a lot easier to read your posts and thus might get you more replies.

[evampr18]

yea i noticed that i didnt use paragraph format. sorry! =) he does not hit me. oh god no..and what i lied about is something i dont want to share. it was something stupid i made up to impress him. something extremely ridiculous. something sexual. and i dont even know why id make that up. its not who i am. and i noticed i started changing so much to try to impress him when i didnt have to because he was already whooped. he said it himself that i am not who i used to be. im not the girl he fell in love with.

ive never cheated on him. i barely know how to flirt. and im not flirtatious at all.

also, its not like he "makes" me call him but i do feel the need to because i know if i dont he starts getting all suspicious and throwing things in my face.

for example the other night was my friends birthday. i told him img onna go catch a movie and eat. he didnt believe me. the hwole night he was texting me that he knows i went clubbing that im probably lying to him that he doesnt believe me. mind you i sent him a picture of the movie theatre screen and what i was wearing so hed see i was telling the truth. but i honestly think that is all so uneccessary because i dont ask him for any proof when he goes out with his buddies every weekend to play pool and gets home at 5 am. why? because id rather he let me know what hes doing than call and text him every five minutes.

he has so many positives that outweigh his negatives. and its not like i want him to change. its just that i feel that he exaggerates sometimes, and ive let him know before. not in those words obviously. in a more subtle way and when hes in a relaxed mood.

i really do feel he is right for me and i am for him. were just having this rough patch. and were s young and inexperienced. especially myself. but i am a strong believer in meeting the right person at the right time versus meeting the wrong person at the right time.

i constantly find myself writing down what i like about him. what i dont like about him. what i like abouts us. what i want to change. and i always find that i love more things about him than i hate. but the things i hate sometimes overwhelm me because hes so aggressive with them.

i dont know if this is making any sense. i like to just write and not re read what i write because i find that ill erase alot of things and then i just feel like i am masking my feelings about things.

i love him. and he loves me, because he tells me. he shows me. but i just hope that what we need now is time for him to heal and trust me again. right now were trying the whole friend thing. but i know he somehow is still thinking of me as a gf. but who knows. he is one big mystery.

[justaman99]

Your boyfriend while being great in many aspects has to really work on his own jealousy and possessiveness. Either he has been cheated on before which is VERY likely or he's very insecure. Either way he has to fix this because in all honestly you may love him, you may do anything for him, but sooner or later you're going to resent him if he keeps this up. You need the freedom to be yourself and go clubbing if you want, go to the movies without him texting and doubting you. This is a critical part of a relationship that is lacking which is trust and you need to communicate back to him that he has to stop or this will ruin a perfectly good thing.

-Just

[evampr18]

yea he has been cheated on before. and other girlfriends have made mistakes thats why now hes not so patient and so critical of me. which i tell him he can take that experience but that i am a new gf so he cant automatically assume ill do things. i can respect him having his guard up but not treating me as if i already cheated or i already lied or i already hurt him. regardless no one has ever made me feel the way he does. and even if i ever move on and marry someone else its this craving for life that he gave to me once he popped into mine. i cannot satisfy it if hes not around. i can be happy without him, but i cant be ecstatic, and lets face it who wants to be just happy when you can over the moon sky high flying in the clouds joyous? damn it, im in this so so so deep. but i refuse to just give up. i refuse to let little things or big things get in the way of him and i.

[borelandkaren]

Originally Posted by evampr18

s.o.s. s.o.s. s.o.s. s.o.s.

No SOS!!! This person is controlling, abusive, manipulative, jealous, nasty. You have to walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting him. Walk away very quickly. Don't look back, don't make further contact, close this chapter of your life. It's over. Breathe a sigh of relief. Or stay and be isolated, devalued and beaten up. Your choice.

[iwanttolive]

Hello.. I'm in a rather similar situation as you are.. My ex kept finding fault with me and like you I'm so easy going I don't think much before doing or saying anything. So I was so hard on myself when he broke it off with me, thinking it was my fault and I felt like punishing myself. Here's my post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t159089/

My thought.. Don't waste your time trying to gain his trust. He has trust issue. The harder you try, the more it justifies his behaviour and treatment towards you - controlling, dictating, pushing blame, easily offended, etc. Distance yourself from him. Hopefully, he'll realise what he's missing.. hopefully. And that he has a bloody issue. Hopefully, he realise that he has gone overboard.

I know how u feel. I was also walking on eggshell, constantly afraid of saying the wrong thing all the time. Because I usually don't think. So I blame myself when he got offended. Well, if the reason for getting offended is serious, then I have to do something about it. But his reason for getting offended is ridiculous. Read my post. He got angry when I waited for him at his apartment door instead of pushing the lift button. But when I walked in front of him after church to beat the crowd, he also got angry saying i was insensitive that he's tired. He asked me one day "Do you need to collect the CD today?" I said "I want to, but I don't need to!" Then he got upset again "Then just say yes! It's just a simple question, do you need to analyse the difference between 'need' and 'want'?" Truth is I don't usually think! But since he's so particular, I thought so hard before answering. Talk on walking on eggshell. I was so careful and I still broke it. Because I was walking on broken eggs that look like a normal egg

[Stockalone]

Originally Posted by evampr18

yea i noticed that i didnt use paragraph format. sorry! =) he does not hit me. oh god no..and what i lied about is something i dont want to share. it was something stupid i made up to impress him. something extremely ridiculous. something sexual. and i dont even know why id make that up. its not who i am. and i noticed i started changing so much to try to impress him when i didnt have to because he was already whooped. he said it himself that i am not who i used to be. im not the girl he fell in love with.

Fair enough, as long as you know what you did and why, you can work through the fallout that lie caused.

If you no longer are yourself, then stop being that other person. Being yourself is easy.

Originally Posted by evampr18

ive never cheated on him. i barely know how to flirt. and im not flirtatious at all.

Then you need to make him see that you only lied about that one stupid thing. If you haven't done so, talk to him about it and why you did it. Tell him that he can ask as many questons about it as he would like and you will answer them truthfully even if it takes the whole day. When he has no more questions, he needs to decide if he can deal with that or not and then drop the matter and not bring it up again every time he gets angry.

He broke up with you but is still monitoring your every move, that is not fair. He either needs to make the break permanent and let you go, or he needs to let you know that he wants to work things out.

This is not a contest where he gets as much time as he wants where you are in limbo about your relationship status, yet still have to jump through hoops to prove to him that you can be trusted.

Originally Posted by evampr18

also, its not like he "makes" me call him but i do feel the need to because i know if i dont he starts getting all suspicious and throwing things in my face.

Depending on what you lied about, I can understand if he gets suspicious. But if he wants to make things work, he can't always assume the worst when you are not with him.

That will accomplish nothing for him. In fact, I believe it will make things worse, he might come to believe that he can only trust you when you are monitored 24/7. And for you, that is no way to live. Being monitored so closely, calling him every hour and having to be accused of lying and cheating is not right, even if you think that you have to do that to regain your trust.

Originally Posted by evampr18

for example the other night was my friends birthday. i told him img onna go catch a movie and eat. he didnt believe me. the hwole night he was texting me that he knows i went clubbing that im probably lying to him that he doesnt believe me. mind you i sent him a picture of the movie theatre screen and what i was wearing so hed see i was telling the truth. but i honestly think that is all so uneccessary because i dont ask him for any proof when he goes out with his buddies every weekend to play pool and gets home at 5 am. why? because id rather he let me know what hes doing than call and text him every five minutes.

He has been cheated on and you lied to him. That probably set the whole paranoia, crazy thought thing going again. But you need him to understand that you have lied and that you are very sorry about it.

However, you need to be very firm with him on the following. You did not cheat on him and this one lie doesn't mean you are going to cheat on him. He has to come to his senses on his own. I am afraid there is not much more you can do to convince him.

You are already doing all you can, and IMO doing a lot more to make amends than you need to do for having lied to him. Does he know your friends, the ones you go out with?

Originally Posted by evampr18

he has so many positives that outweigh his negatives. and its not like i want him to change. its just that i feel that he exaggerates sometimes, and ive let him know before. not in those words obviously. in a more subtle way and when hes in a relaxed mood.

You do realize that you put up with quite a lot with this guy, don't you? How long has this (accusing you, you calling him all the time to let him know where you are) been going on?

Originally Posted by evampr18

i really do feel he is right for me and i am for him. were just having this rough patch. and were s young and inexperienced. especially myself. but i am a strong believer in meeting the right person at the right time versus meeting the wrong person at the right time.

I don't see how you can take that for much longer. It has to stop some time in the not so distant future. He needs to understand that what he does is way over the top.

Originally Posted by evampr18

i constantly find myself writing down what i like about him. what i dont like about him. what i like abouts us. what i want to change. and i always find that i love more things about him than i hate. but the things i hate sometimes overwhelm me because hes so aggressive with them.

As I said, I too am possessive and a bit jealous. I don't think that is inherently bad, the problem is that he must learn not to succumb to those emotions.

Trust is very important. It serves as a counterweight to his jealousy and in a healthy relationship far outweighs it. It will show up from time to time but in a "good way", reminding you that he still loves you and doesn't want to lose you.

Trust will make him comfortable to let you go out alone and have fun without him, even though his possessiveness and jealousy will sometimes make him wish that other guys won't look at you.

Being with someone who is possessive and jealous requires to accommodate them in certain aspects of the relationship. In return, that should be reciprocated by a loyal and loving partner who appreciates the sacrifices you make to accommodate his possessiveness and jealousy.

You are doing so much more than meeting him half-way in all of this and he needs to do his part now.

Originally Posted by evampr18

i dont know if this is making any sense. i like to just write and not re read what i write because i find that ill erase alot of things and then i just feel like i am masking my feelings about things.

Writing about your feelings can be very helpful. I've come to realize this myself in the last couple of weeks.

Originally Posted by evampr18

i love him. and he loves me, because he tells me. he shows me. but i just hope that what we need now is time for him to heal and trust me again. right now were trying the whole friend thing. but i know he somehow is still thinking of me as a gf. but who knows. he is one big mystery.

The thing you need to do is figure out what you deserve in a relationship that you give your all. Does he make you feel loved the way you need to be?

I had one time in my first relationship where my insecurities got the best of me and my gf chose an unorthodox way to handle this. She did slap me in the face once and told me that she will not waste time with a guy who can't see a good thing for what it is even if it is sitting right in front of him and that she can't make a relationship work on her own. I admired her determination and how strongly she believed in us. I also thought it was very brave of her to slap a 6-2, 240 lbs guy.

Obviously, I don't recommend that you slap him, and while I think it's admirable that you are doing so much for this guy, you also should set yourself a time limit. How long you are willing to put up with his behaviour if he doesn't make the much needed changes?

Originally Posted by evampr18

yea he has been cheated on before. and other girlfriends have made mistakes thats why now hes not so patient and so critical of me. which i tell him he can take that experience but that i am a new gf so he cant automatically assume ill do things. i can respect him having his guard up but not treating me as if i already cheated or i already lied or i already hurt him. regardless no one has ever made me feel the way he does. and even if i ever move on and marry someone else its this craving for life that he gave to me once he popped into mine. i cannot satisfy it if hes not around. i can be happy without him, but i cant be ecstatic, and lets face it who wants to be just happy when you can over the moon sky high flying in the clouds joyous? damn it, im in this so so so deep. but i refuse to just give up. i refuse to let little things or big things get in the way of him and i.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Tell him to man up and and take a good look at himself. Is that who he wants to be? A man driven by jealousy and bitterness.

Tell him that you take responsibility for the lie but that you will not accept the blame for what the other girls did to him. That you will not tolerate that he directs the bitterness of being cheated on at you because you didn't do those things to him.

Tell him that you are prepared to give him some time to think about it and that you will be there for him during that time but you will not wait past a certain point. He can choose to give this relationship another shot and hopefully be as ecstatic as you are. I would tell him what you have written here (the bolded part).

Tell him it is his choice, if he can't get over your lie and can't keep his paranoia (that you will cheat or already have) under control, he will lose you.