[HidingMe]

What is my problem? I'm not being sarcastic.. I really just want to know what it is so I can continue to work on improving myself.

Things about me that I am struggling with the most (with regards to my current relationship):

1. I obsess easily and frequently about the unknown... When will I hear from him? What do I do if I don't? When will I see him next? etc...

2. I hate plans being up in the air. This makes me sooo anxious, but generally only where he is concerned. This weekend for example... we're supposed to go to the lake but the smoke may now be an issue. Supposed to have 2 or 3 days with him up there, no worries - would have been awesome. So now.. lake or not? If no lake then what? Will I see him or not? When will I know for sure? He is supposed to call soon but.. will he call or will he keep me waiting? I hate plans changing..

3. I feel like he is my life. Yes there are other things I can do and friends I can hang out with, but frankly I would rather be with him. I know it's not healthy to be willing to drop everything for him but that's how I feel. I don't want to make plans if I think it may interfere with time we can spend together, so logically I know I am limiting myself, but with him is where I want to be so how do I make myself want to do other things?

I hate the way I feel sometimes... I get all worked up and feel anxious and, well... out of control. Honestly sometimes I feel I have no life.. that I am reliant on time spend with my bf to make me feel alive and happy. Sometimes I wonder what my purpose is on this earth. I am always trying to pass the time until I can be with him again... always about trying to get to a place in the future but rarely happy with the present moment... always future oriented. I am reading books about 'living in the now' but sometimes it's so hard to achieve.

What's my problem? Is this just an anxiety issue that should pass (maybe when I am working and have less time on my hands). Am I co-dependent? Am I trying to control everything?

When I am with him I feel so normal... no obsessing, no stress, no anxiety. I just want to feel normal inside without him as well... how do I get there?

[cjanee]

I too struggle with this issue. Even when I took time out of sexual relationships,(a year of abstinence), and have been on my own for three years before meeting this new guy, I find myself still obsessing,anxious,etc.

Do you have any interests besides your work? Something that you can do that you feel passionate about.

I am in school so I just throw myself harder into school because in the end I know that I will have success to fall back on even if my personal life is not so great.

I also love the arts and if I had time would take a class or get involved with a show. There are so many things we can do outside of the guy. He will appreciate you more if he thinks your busy too.

[HidingMe]

Originally Posted by cjanee

I too struggle with this issue. Even when I took time out of sexual relationships,(a year of abstinence), and have been on my own for three years before meeting this new guy, I find myself still obsessing,anxious,etc.

Do you have any interests besides your work? Something that you can do that you feel passionate about.

I am in school so I just throw myself harder into school because in the end I know that I will have success to fall back on even if my personal life is not so great.

I also love the arts and if I had time would take a class or get involved with a show. There are so many things we can do outside of the guy. He will appreciate you more if he thinks your busy too.

He absolutely wants me to have a life outside of him. Those of you that know my story have heard me say that I have not told him what goes on in my head when I am apart from him. He may know I get a little stir crazy at times because I am not working at the moment, but he has no idea that I feel so reliant on him. He would want me to be healthily independent.

I really don't have anything that I feel passionate about. I feel rather lifeless where I'm at in my life right now. I'm struggling to find myself after ending a 10 year marriage.. I am appreciative that I was finally able to get away from him and into my own place, but am left feeling pretty empty. I am looking for work... currently have my foot in the door at 2 places and one should pan out here soon (keep your fingers crossed for me!) but the fact that I am unemployed makes me feel like sh*t. I am trying to enjoy all this free time while I have it but it's not the same as being on 'vacation'.

Anyway, I understand that hobbies and friends and passion for life is necessary... how do I motivate myself to take interest in these things so I have more of a life outside of my boyfriend and stop relying on him? If I have no interest in outside things on a consistent basis does that mean I am depressed?

[cjanee]

If you think you might be depressed then that might be your answer. A counselor or doctor would be able to answer that for sure. Wow ten year marriage. There is a saying that for every year of your relationship it takes about the same to get over it. Of course it won't take ten years atleast a year. You might be still grieving. It took me four years to get over an 18 month intense relationship I was in.

Have you thought about speaking with a counselor. It is really helpful to get stuff off your chest thats confidential. I do it and it does work. It helps me work through the feelings so I dont get stuck.

[undertaker79]

Honey,
Let me tell u as a former man (LOL)...dont EVER sit around and wait for him...Quite simply.....when someone wants to be with you, you wont EVER have 2 wonder about it.They would BE WITH YOU!

[Trialbyfire]

Originally Posted by undertaker79

Honey,
Let me tell u as a former man (LOL)...dont EVER sit around and wait for him...Quite simply.....when someone wants to be with you, you wont EVER have 2 wonder about it.They would BE WITH YOU!

While I'm not a former man, I 100% agree with this.

[HidingMe]

Originally Posted by cjanee

If you think you might be depressed then that might be your answer. A counselor or doctor would be able to answer that for sure. Wow ten year marriage. There is a saying that for every year of your relationship it takes about the same to get over it. Of course it won't take ten years atleast a year. You might be still grieving. It took me four years to get over an 18 month intense relationship I was in.

Have you thought about speaking with a counselor. It is really helpful to get stuff off your chest thats confidential. I do it and it does work. It helps me work through the feelings so I dont get stuck.

I was emotionally divorced from him for probably the last 5 years though... the change in life has been very difficult, but really the only emotions I have for him are those of anger when he makes my life h*ll (custody and money issues in our divorce)... he's still trying to maintain some sense of control and doesn't like the fact that I have a life without him.

I do see a counselor every two weeks. I should probably go more but very soon here I will no longer have insurance that covers visits. That's a scary thought for me. He says that I have some anxiety issues and suggested I take meds. I did for a very short period of time and I swear there were some sexual side effects so I stopped taking them... and besides that, there is the insurance issue again. I can't afford to pay for them out of pocket anyway.

I know I have anxiety.. that much is obvious, but I wonder if it is something more than that.. something besides non-specific anxiety. I want to get past this... some days all my reading and trying seems to pay off, and other days I just fall into a slump, and it's so hard to dig out (without the unsuspecting help of my bf that is.. a call or text from him can totally take the edge off)

[HidingMe]

Originally Posted by undertaker79

Honey,
Let me tell u as a former man (LOL)...dont EVER sit around and wait for him...Quite simply.....when someone wants to be with you, you wont EVER have 2 wonder about it.They would BE WITH YOU!

In his defense he IS with me, he just can't be with me all the time because we live an hour apart.. he has a job and I have a child. He used to be a little flaky about calling when he said he would, but he is much better about it now that I brought his flakiness to his attention. He actually texts more and stays in touch better because I told him that sometimes I lose my sense of connection when we hardly communicate on our days off.

I sit around and wait for him not because he is making me wait (he's not) but because I seem to have nothing else that compares to the interest I have in being with/hearing from him (yes I know it's pathetic). I know this issue is on my end, which is why this thread is about me and not 'our relationship'. I know he loves me.. this problem is with me, not him or us.

I just want to fix myself so I can be a happier person and feel an overall happiness with life.

[Tabatha]

You sound exactly like me.

I have a thread couple topics down. Kinda the same issue.

Everything truly does feel normal when I'm with him. I feel out of place when I'm not. I also feel i sit here with nothing to do (waiting for my "employer" to call me back when the bar needs me.) and nothing seems to interest me but him.

Youre not alone on this one.

[whichwayisup]

Yup, I was just going to stay that Tabatha.

Seek counselling - Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. This type of therapy is very helpful when you have anxiety.