[phil_confused]

For almost 2 years, my best friend has been pushing me away. Our families used to vacation together, go to dinner, attend birthday parties, etc., but not anymore. We work together every day and she pushes me away at work, too. She has been making nasty comments and has been manipulative. I have been trying to figure out what I did to make her behave this way. Finally, I discovered it wasn’t me after all because she is having an affair. She is married to a very successful, hardworking man and they have two children. The other man is not married but he works with us. She doesn’t know that I know about the affair.

Now that I know about her affair, I have become more withdrawn and quiet around her. All of a sudden, she wants to know what is wrong with me and wants to go to dinner together with our families. I don’t want to go and be put in the position of having to act like I don’t know what’s going on in front of her husband. For another wrinkle in the tale, she has asked me to go to lunch with her a couple of times on the weekends but has called and cancelled an hour before we’re to meet because something else has come up. I have discovered that she has gone to meet the other man and I’m afraid she’s using me as her alibi.

I don’t know how to handle this. I have to work with her each day so confronting her is not a viable option. I am having trouble living with the guilt of knowing, having her try to involve me into her lies to her husband by using me as an alibi, and how nastily she has been treating me. Does anyone have any advice for how to handle this? I've never been in this situation before.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Tell the husband and go NC with her. she isnt a friend to ask you to participate in the destruction of her marriage and giving an alibi for her BH.

An ex GF's cousin told me she was cheating, til this day I remain gratedul for her telling me the truth.

[In Like Flynn]

There's only one thing you really can do and thats the RIGHT THING!!!!! Depends on what type of person you are.

[smartgirl]

You have the right to adhere to your own sense of morality and you do not have to continue a relationship with someone you cannot respect.

I think you should tell this woman point blank that you are aware of her affair -- as are others. People in office affairs always believe they are being discrete but EVERYONE knows. In that way, you are doing her your last favor as a former friend.

Tell her you don't want to continue in this friendship as long as she is involved in this affair and you DO NOT want her using you as an alibi. Tell her you do not plan to tell her husband, but that if he ever asks you about anything you will not lie for her either.

Then avoid her and stop talking to her. It doesn't matter if you work together. She has forfeited the right to be comfortable at work. You are already uncomfortable, so it won't be much different for you.

Don't compromise your own sense of values for someone who views your friendship as a mere convenience.

[GPFan]

An anonymous note might work if you feel strongly that he should know. I would caution him, in the note, to get confirmed evidence before confronting her. It will be much easier with him knowing who it is she is having an affair with.

She may well suspect you as the anonymous note writer but it would remain a suspicion only a long as others know too.

If her Husband is a hothead or otherwise not to be trusted with advance warning, then I would go with smartgirl's suggestion.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

The least you can do is COMPLETELY separate yourself from this woman. And know if you feel that she is using you as an alibi, you can either A) Keep it to yourself and use it only if asked about your "lunch dates" with your friend by her husband. Or B) You can warn him so that he can make the choice on how to handle his relationship with his wife.

I had a friend who tried to do that with me. And I told both of the women when they asked me if he was cheating on them, I told them to search their hearts and look at the evidence. Look at his attitude about the evidence. And talk to his soon to be ex-wife. One believed and the other one married him. To each their own. But, of course that ended our friendship. Hey, not my loss.


DNR
I wish you the best in whatever choice you make.

[Owl]

I get that you work with her. But...that doesn't follow that you can't tell her that you know about her affair, and that you don't approve and no longer want to hang out with her.

Nor does it prevent you from telling her H. Sure, she might be angry, and become a real !@#!@# at work...but then its HER problem, not yours. Let HER get fired over her piss-poor behavior, not you.

Tell her that you know what's going on. Tell her H first tho, so she doesn't put a spin on it first, do damage control, and make you out to be a crazy woman.