Is it ok to still work with the ex om/ow..how would you feel?
I would love it if you guys can help me out with a debate my husband and I have been having.
First of all I was in a year long affair with my co worker it was emotional as well as physical I did consider leaving my husband for my co worker to make a long story short things changed and I decided to stay with my husband(by the way my co worker is also married)
It has been 8 months since the affair ended we still work at the same place it is a very small company so we see each other daily we have not talked,but I'm sure we will have too because of work related issue's.
My husband has been putting pressure on me to find another job,he says two people who were involved in a affair cannot work together and expect the marriage to survive.
He is always wondering if I am talking to ex om.
This is a job I planned on staying at for the rest of my life as well as om,so my husband says that means om has to be inhis life until I retire which is not anytime soon.
My husband thinks I will start another affair with om,he is giving me a year to quit.
I think A person can stay in the same work place as x om/ow without getting involved again what do you guys think? It's been 8 months and my husband still worries about this.
Can't say I blame your husband - it must really hurt him knowing you see the guy you had the A with every day...if you really want to make the M work, I'd move to a different company and make it a priority. I think you are putting your H through way too much, and remember that your H forgave you and committed to stayin in the M, which is great of him, and he probably needs to see the same type of commitment to you.
Just an observation: sounds like your H has been through a lot already and he's still in the position of having to give you ultimatums to get away from the OM-that can't be a nice feeling for him.
I'd feel exactly the same as your husband. And the fact he had the grace to forgive you means that you have to make a sacrifice. And leave that job.
Irrespective of whether or not the A could start up again, it is so disrespectful to your husband for you to be having any kind of contact with the OM.
I hope you're never in the position your husband is - because I don't see how you can honestly say you'd be happy with him having contact if it were the other way around.
OK, you thought it was a job for life - therefore you should have not started up the A - you shouldn't dump on your own doorstep.
Plenty of other cheaters have given up their jobs and found another job rather than share airspace with the OW/OM. Why should you be any different?
I stay at my job for financial reason,my husband know's,my husband does not work he is in school at night and takes care of our kids during the daytime,also a few classes online.
If I go else where I know I may not make as much money which is why I stay where I am at.
I wonder what would happen if he slept at someone at his job, ended the affair and then had the audacity to say, oh hey we still work together but nothing happens anymore!
WTF???????
WTFF??????
Hell no!!!! you need to leave immediately. I would not trust you for nothing if you do not show a willingless to help me heal. Your job is not worth loosing your family. You dont want to leave because you still want to be around the OM. Ask yourself could you trust your man if he still was around the OW away from you and everyone else? Why would he trust you????
I wouldnt! And you know what If I was your husband and I forgave you and I asked you to leave your job to not be around the OM so we can heal and rebuildand you told me, well I need the money. I would be at the divorce attourney the very. next. day!!!
We would be so done.
Without trust you have nothing. and why would he trust you?
I think the biggest problem here is that you don't seem to care very much. 'I might not earn as much somewhere else' is not good enough as an excuse. You need to start lookin hard for something else if you really care about your M.
If you dont you'll probably end up losing your H...
...also he is at home studying but not earning, and lookin after the kids (f/t job in itself), and there you are, at work with the guy you had an A with EVERY day...maybe he feels very emasculated and I am sure is pretty miserable for him.
I don't want to have a affair with om anymore that has been over we do not want each other anymore.
At first my husband never told me to leave my job,he would just say he does'nt know if he cn handle having him in our life,he says he can't forget about the affair or move on knowing I still see him at work now he's just pressuring me every other day to find another job he says he will give me a yeah to find another workplace.
I still think 2 people who had been involved in a affair can work together without starting it up again because I am living proof I do not have any interest in om anymore I want to stay in my marriage my husband should trust me.
I stay at my job for financial reason,my husband know's,my husband does not work he is in school at night and takes care of our kids during the daytime,also a few classes online.
If I go else where I know I may not make as much money which is why I stay where I am at.
this is an easy way to justify staying. if you respect your husband and your marriage - you will find another job.
you know he is in pain everyday and you are ignoring the change that needs to be made for a healthy marriage. is your job the priority or your marriage?
staying at the job is somewhat passive aggressive. you can always find a million reasons to stay so you can continue to keep tabs on your XOM.
how hurtful to your H is this? you are disrespecting him and his feelings and your marriage.
justify staying all you want - but in your heart you know what needs to be done in order to show your H and the marriage the respect it deserves.
if you don't quit - then just leave him now so that he can have peace of mind in not wondering everyday what could happen with OM always hanging around the work place.
I don't want to have a affair with om anymore that has been over we do not want each other anymore.
At first my husband never told me to leave my job,he would just say he does'nt know if he cn handle having him in our life,he says he can't forget about the affair or move on knowing I still see him at work now he's just pressuring me every other day to find another job he says he will give me a yeah to find another workplace.
I still think 2 people who had been involved in a affair can work together without starting it up again because I am living proof I do not have any interest in om anymore I want to stay in my marriage my husband should trust me.
Again, your placing yourself above your husband and his wishes!!!!! your being selfish, very selfish!!!! Stop putting yourself first and help your husband heal! If that meant leaving for his heart to heal so he wont have nightmares, so he wont worry, he wont be anxious. Leave the damn job.
I dont think any man who's learned their wife had the affair with a co-worker and continued to still work with them, DOES NOT FOSTER THE TRUTH!
you lied about the affair and everything before why would he trust you!???
I wouldnt You got a year. and I was you I'd start looking for something else right now. It isnt proof it's straight disrespect. Again if your Husband had a OW and still worked with her, could you trust him after!??????
I still think 2 people who had been involved in a affair can work together without starting it up again because I am living proof I do not have any interest in om anymore I want to stay in my marriage my husband should trust me.
In a normal relationship jealousy or doubt can be worked around in this situation all bets are off.
Smooth you betrayed your H with a co-worker it is NOT fair to him to have to live for the rest of his days with that cloud of doubt hanging over his head, it is just NOT fair and quite frankly I think it is too much to ask of another human being.
Can you imagine how hard it must be for him to know you are faced with seeing this guy every single day? Have some empathy please.
You may very well have 0 intentions of starting up again but knowing that every single day, every single week, for a big chunk of the day you are practically feet away from the man that was once your lover is sheer torture for your H. If you can't see that yourself, then I am afraid you are acting rather selfishly.
Unless your H comes to HIS own terms with having you work there, then there is not much you can do to go against his wishes. If you want to mend your marriage you need to comply to HIS terms. You had a chance to be trusted and you blew it there is no reason why he should trust you in the very same situation again. That is the harsh reality of what you bargained for.
__________________ Stupidity follows me, but I run much faster...
I appreciate all the feedback please trust me when I say the affair is over I am not trying to keep tabs on him.
My question was is it possible for 2 people who have had a affair in the past continue to work together and just keep it at a work level,I think it is my husband does not has anyone been in a situation where it worked out fine?
My question was is it possible for 2 people who have had a affair in the past continue to work together and just keep it at a work level,I think it is my husband does not has anyone been in a situation where it worked out fine?
Ok fine to answer that aspect of the question and if we compartmentalize the ideas then.
YES two people can work together post affair, OF COURSE THEY CAN!!! If it is just the two of them and they do not need to take into account signficant other's feelings then yeah why not?
But that fact is it doesn't matter if it can work out or not if it means at the expense of your H's suffering. Understand?
Lets say my husband was fine with xom and I working together he trusted me and forgave me and knew in his heart I regreted the affair and I would not do it again so he was fine and was not feeling insecure or threaten by om it would work then right?
Just because I had a affair with him once does not mean it will happen again I see what I could have lost and I would not repeat that choice again.
I think my husband should trust me because I can be around xom every day and not get tempted.
When I say this to him he says well you can't predict the future.
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