[HilaryQ]

Some of you may know my story, for others it is here....

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t142937/


Since I wrote that post things have been better between us, no fights, and more importantly NC with OM, no emails, texts, calls, nothing.

Well, I thought things were getting better - slowly, I can't expect more, but we did seem to be getting closer. My partner even agreed to go to a work social event with me about a month ago. (he won't let me go alone, and usually refuses to socialise with people I work with). Anyway at the end of the evening he was chatting with one of my managers about holidays, and the conversation turned to overseas work visits. My manager said - I have to go abroad in a few weeks, and *** is suposed to be coming too. That was it, no other comments, and the conversation moved on. Well I knew nothing about this visit - it was vaguely suggested about 8 months ago, but no date was set, no firm plans made. I promptly forgot the conversation.

Suddenly, last week, my partner phones me at work and screams down the phone "if you go abroad with your manager you don't come home" . I didn't know what he was talking about so he reminded me of the conversation at the work dinner. He says I fancy my manager (I don't), he says I flirt with him constantly (I don't), he says I talk about him all the time (I don't believe I do). I have virtually no contact with my manager at work, he is layers and layers above me and our offices are in different buildings - I have little to do with him and nothing talk about.

Well the row lasted 2 hours. My partner says I have to accept he has every right to be suspicious after all that I have done. I can see that he would feel that way, and I can understand it. But I don't know how to deal with it. He is convinced I fancy this man - every man - and will not be told otherwise.

Now if I talk to anyone from work (sometime I work from home) he starts screaming at me to stop flirting with people. Afterwards he says really horrible things, in a squeaky sarcastic voice " Oh yes I can hear you talking, ....."yes sir, no sir, can I suck your **** sir...."". Stuff like that. He belittles my work (I am the same grade as him, with same qualifications), belittles what I do at home. HE has to work at home because HIS work is important. Only IMPORTANT people phone him at home..........


So now our relationship is affecting my ability to do my job. We have overnight training courses about 3 times a year, and I dread telling him about each one - it will be a row for a week or more. He phones me constantly while I am away to make sure I am not talking to the wrong people. They are supposed to be networking meetings but I have to be in my room to talk to him. He will check what time I go to bed, who I sat next to at the meal, who I spoke to in the bar, etc etc. What makes it worse is that I am in a male dominated business (probably about 20% females at most)

I know that I made this bed and I have to lie in it, but it doesn't help the healing process or help repair the relationship, which is what I really want to do. (I said that to him once - he went ape.)

I am not expecting sympathy, but maybe someone who has been on the recieving end could tell me how I rebuild the trust. Or maybe I never can and I either move out or accept the relationship as it is.

Thanks.

[Billie63]

I don't undererstand why you want to salvage this relationship.

The man has beaten you to the point you miscarried.

And your behaviour has been a disgrace. Would you not like to start all over again with a new man, a new slate, no more lies?

I am no pyschiatrist, but I suspect you are more comfortable with chaos than you are a quiet life, hence your behaviour that you describe as self destructive.

He has every right not to trust you - and I honestly don't see him trusting you again.

Why do you want to be with him? Ask yourself that.

[GreenX]

I read your first thread and when I was finished reading it I couldn't help but ask myself "Why is she still with him?".

Can you answer that for me? I am completely boggled.

He killed your unborn child because he beat you so bad. That there would be my one and only ticket needed to get out of that relationship. How can you stay with someone who did that to you? I am so lost..

All of his beatings aside, yes, I can understand why he doesn't trust you. As you have said you've done a lot of things in the past and have done an enormous amount of lying.

I can't offer any advice except getting out and getting IC. Did you look into that after your first thread? I know a few people mentioned it.

[GPFan]

I read your January post and find it troubling. Your relationship started out rocky as it was born of mutual affair. You insist on engaging in serial affairs behaviour whilst he responds abusively. In fact, both of you are abusing each other in different ways.

This isn't a relationship, it is a circus! A circus you apparently feel comfortable performing in. I suppose the two of you will continue until one or the other tires of the madness.

Counselling has already been suggested and rejected, there really isn't anything left to say.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Originally Posted by HilaryQ

I know that I made this bed and I have to lie in it, but it doesn't help the healing process or help repair the relationship, which is what I really want to do. (I said that to him once - he went ape.)

If it's worth it... you just shut your mouth and deal. Do what you have to do and focus on building trust with him.

If it's not worth it... do everyone a favor and walk.

For me... it wasn't worth it.

[HilaryQ]

Thanks for the replies.

I don't suppose I can ever repair this relationship and turn it into what it should have been. There is a limit to the number of times you can hit a glass vase and expect it to stay intact. I think I may have hit the vase too many times now. So........my decision - live with the pieces (for whatever reason) or walk away.


On a more general note -

Through LS I'm beginning to appreciate how much I have messed up, and realise how much pain I have caused. It doesn't excuse his abuse, but by reading here I can begin to understand the effects of an affair. Nothing has brought it home to me as much as reading these pages.

I'm so sorry, I must annoy many, many people, but you do all help me tear away that fog of lala land and see myself for what I really am. A rather nasty and uncaring partner, who refuses to commit, and thinks she can have what she wants without losing her singleton perks. I'm so sorry people like me exist.

Hilary