So now the legal separation started June 12 and STBXW bought her own house and moved out last weekend - about 5 miles away. She has her freedom and independence at last.
We have a 2.5yo daughter together and joint shared custody.
I've learned since this process started in January, my STBXW the reasons for her actions as she sees it.
1. I could never understand the kind of love she needed (I do now, though not sure if any one could ever satisfy her wants)
2. We were never even friends
3. I never understood her emotional, spiritual, and phsycal needs. (she never told be what they were - I had to figure it out for myself - Now I understand more after doing a lot of soul searching and spiritual reading)
Despite her current beliefs - I think there is a miracle of hope that we can start from scratch and re-build some sort of relationship - maybe not the same as a marriage...
Now that everything is settled and I have given her everything in the process (lump sum to buy a house, child support, freedom, etc). She now wants to be civil/friends for our daughters sake. After all of the aweful things she has siad and done to me over past 5 months I am in anguish angry and hurt - she never gave a glimmer of hope that divorce isn't emminent 365 days from then.
Yes we need to be friendly for our daughters sake. But
Part of me thinks being friendly would give my STBXW exactly the last things she wants - justification and verification that she did the right thing by getting separated because it will be best for our daughter. I disagree with the separation wholeheartedly - our relationship wasn't so bad that it would hurt our daughter and it would be best for our daughter to grow up in a home with both parents.
Yet maybe if we are friendly, it would give us something to build on over the next 12 months. Yes I know I need to build up myself, etc. Is it also possible that if we can cooperate and not argue over the next 12 months that our marriage can be repaired - or at least give it an attempt... I truly believe that the 12 month separation is specifically designed to provide breathing room, to be apart, see what its like, whether apart is better or worse - etc.
Of course, It could all be a lie - she could be in love with someone else... but of course she could learn this guy is a jerk...
Anyway, despite the odds, I do not want to give up hope that some miracle is possible... so my only course of action seems to be to continue to give her what she wants and be friendly and see if anything comes of it...
And yes I keep wavering between hope and reality...
Incidentally, my neighbor who has been going through a miserable divorce for over a year (a real horror story - H has GF but will not allow divorce - wants cake and eat it too - owns business and hiding assets and income and refused to pay bills - credit down tubes - tied into the legal community and somehow keeps divorce from getting into the courts)... anyway she has seen the kind of man I am through my own separation and all of the husbandly things I always do has grown a fondness for me - talked for 4 hours about our problems... well she asked me for a date and somewhere in the conversation also proposed to me... I thought is was a joke... Yet she repeated it several times and said she would wait for me... Wow !!! We have commisurated about own own divorces for months - she has three kindergarden kids and a total ass for a husband who refuses to pay anything... not something I looking to jump into - Yikes !
i am amazed that you would still be entertaining the thought of getting back with your STBXW... why?
why when she has been an emotional drain to you for years and not any sort of connection in any sense?
i guess i wouldn't wonder if there was some sort of intense connection between the two of you on some level - but it baffles me when it appears there is none.
why not just move on and enjoy the company of someone you are connected with?
I feel like she just finished ripping our my heart and eating it for dinner... and demands that I be friendly with her for our daughter's sake..while blood is dripping off her chin...
Says there is no chance in hell of her considering starting from scratch - if I dont start being friendly with her, listen to her intently everytime she calls and stop hanging up on her when I've had enough and can't stand her voice anymore. I have to make a full reversal and sacrifice a lamb first.
Are you not emotionally drained from interacting with her? I am dying inside every time I pretend to be nice and loving for the sake of saving my marriage. Every moment I go to her and give my all for our marriage, a piece of my own self dies.
The only difference between you and me at this point. I've went out and met some people as friends and realized, I'll be ok with or without my wife. Are you at that point?
The reason I ask. Are you attached to your STBXW by love? When someone loves you, do they treat you in the fashion that your wife is treating you? Or are you attached by co-dependence?
Break off from what you think you feel and re-evaluate whether you are holding onto something that is completely dead(thanks to your wife and her decisions). It's not your fault. You don't have to hold that torch for her. Drop it and then evaluate your situation. Evaluate whether or not it's going to work.
Also, being nice to your separated wife is a good card to play in this game of divorce. You are setting yourself up to win. Don't change that to get revenge. Just take actions to really think and have perspective on the marriage. How do you feel when you are around your wife? How do you feel when you are alone with your daughter? Can you be happy without your wife??! Of course you can!
TIY - Am I at that point - not yet - Monday was the first day I was alone in my own house - will take some time to adjust.
It was nice to get the house clean and back in order - bought a box window air conditioner so I can finally sleep comfortably at night - Ex would not allow that (She is always cold - Or should I say Frigid ?) Got my old refriderator back.. still lack washer and dryer. Went shopping to put some food in the house.
Next I plan to start running again and trying to get back to the Gym. Yes it will take time...
[quote=TrustInYourself;1728465]Oh brother, we are of the same frame of mind.
I am dying inside every time I pretend to be nice and loving for the sake of saving my marriage. Every moment I go to her and give my all for our marriage, a piece of my own self dies.
"I am dying inside every time I pretend to be nice and loving for the sake of saving my marriage. Every moment I go to her and give my all for our marriage, a piece of my own self dies."
I thought like you before... I hoped time would heal all... start from scratch.. let her see my changes... all that good stuff.
It did work.. we did get back together.... but... it seemed in the year and a bit we were separated... I did a lot of change... while she did not... except fall for another guy.... We separated... and the divorce proceedings... continued... now I am officially divorced.
From what I have read about your relationship... I to have to wonder why you would want to even bother.... ? (you are there... you are you... and only you know the ins and outs of what went on between you and your stbxw... ) On the other hand... you never know... and because of that... it can ...and will many times... drive you NUTS!
So... move on...! You will thank yourself in the end.
Excellent. Take control of your house. You own it, make it yours. That is the first taste of freedom.
Haha, you are going to the gym and starting to run? Oh boy, pretty soon those women (including the wife) are going to notice the outward physical changes of a man on a mission. I enjoy the confidence boost I get looking at my body transform. I was pudgy before my wife left, I'm now getting a six pack. I can bike, swim and run like a beast and let me tell you, it's nice to have women take a second look when you walk past.
I'm with you man, keep gaining ground. Stay in touch too.
I thought like you before... I hoped time would heal all... start from scratch.. let her see my changes... all that good stuff.
It did work.. we did get back together.... but... it seemed in the year and a bit we were separated... I did a lot of change... while she did not... except fall for another guy.... We separated... and the divorce proceedings... continued... now I am officially divorced.
From what I have read about your relationship... I to have to wonder why you would want to even bother.... ? (you are there... you are you... and only you know the ins and outs of what went on between you and your stbxw... ) On the other hand... you never know... and because of that... it can ...and will many times... drive you NUTS!
So... move on...! You will thank yourself in the end.
ilmw
Too soon huh? I'm noticing that as well. I've made so many changes in my life that are absolutely positive. I'm a better person from this separation and I'm proud of how I've handled everything.
My wife on the other hand still blames me for everything. She's made only negative changes, like work out less, started smoking cigarettes(which I hate), and go on buying sprees with what was once our shared savings(which she disagrees with totally).
What should I do to face the fact that I'm growing at a much faster rate than the wife? I want to mend things if they can be mended, but honestly, she's just a lousy person. She never communicated to me the way she should have and it's been bothering me.
I'm bothered by so many things about her lately. I want to vent on this board before we start talking again. I've had a 3 day break from her and I'm lonely but I'm happy at the same time. Pretty weird.
Being a single father is great but it is also very challenging and all incompassing and I get only part time with my daughter... Our marriage wasn't wonderful either.
This process has taught me a great deal about fatherhood, husbandhood, and what life after divorce compared to life during marriage... I am also not the type who likes being single - not the type who is successful meeting women.
I just all told - I'd prefer to me married to the mother of my daughter and try to work harder in the marrriage.
Being a single father is great but it is also very challenging and all incompassing and I get only part time with my daughter... Our marriage wasn't wonderful either.
This process has taught me a great deal about fatherhood, husbandhood, and what life after divorce compared to life during marriage... I am also not the type who likes being single - not the type who is successful meeting women.
I just all told - I'd prefer to me married to the mother of my daughter and try to work harder in the marrriage.
Again if that is even a possibility
Hey... I totally understand you wanting to save your marriage for the sake of your daughter... trust me... I know... been there... as have so many on here.
I am the last person to say... just quite... trust me on that one too... just read my original thread... geeezzz
Wont I don't understand is... and maybe I read it wrong... you don't sound like you even liked your wife?
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
Linear Mode
